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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has the life he wants...

277 replies

SadAboutItToday · 14/05/2023 12:24

I've name changed for this as I love my DH and wouldn't want him to be upset!

But here's the thing...

My DH is exhausted. Our life is hectic and he is always tired and moany. I'm tired too (very) and have suggested many changes which he refuses to make. So I try and just be happy with what we have, given he won't let us change anything! :)

But today I'm a bit down that whenever I suggest something big, he always says no. The life I have is the life he wants (it's not the one I want). But he's the one that moans.

I wanted a third child. He said no. Fair enough - we both have to want it. But ... I kind of missed out. I'd always wanted 3 children :)

I wanted to change career. He said no (not directly, but let his wishes be known) because I have a good salary and he wants it to stay that way.

I wanted to move house. We can't afford where we live. I suggested other parts of the country (I can work anywhere) or abroad (I could work in most countries). He said no.

Yesterday I started dreaming of what life would be like if it was just me and the children and it was lovely! We'd move somewhere gorgeous! I'd get a job I enjoy not earning much! I'd be a chilled mummy and our children would love it (picture maybe living in the countryside, or by a beach, maybe abroad!) ... Back to reality and I have work to do tonight for a deadline tomorrow, a long working week with work into the night. Mounting bills, a moaning DH..

I love my DH and my children adore him, but sometimes it feels like I'd be so much freer and happier with out him as I could follow my own dreams.... (plus I wouldn't have a stressed out man about the house all the time!)

Anyone else ever feel this way?

OP posts:
Original poster
SadAboutItToday · 14/05/2023 12:28

Ps. He's my soul mate and I want to grow old with him. Divorce or separation definitely isn't on my radar! I love him! I just wish life was a bit more relaxed and sometimes my wishes could be considered :) and my children deserve a more present and relaxed mum and dad

OP posts:
towriteyoumustlive · 14/05/2023 12:30

Fair enough not having three kids, as you both need to want it (not to mention the expense and craziness of having three!!) but him saying no to you changing career?!?! WTF?!?!

I see why he doesn't want you to have a lower paid job if you currently can't afford where you are living, but why does he not want to move? Would it not be suitable for his job?

Sounds like you and your DH need to sit down and communicate more. Life is for living, not being too exhausted to do anything.

ToK1 · 14/05/2023 12:30

Why does he always get the final say?

Especially if he's constantly moaning? Especially about your career?

piedbeauty · 14/05/2023 12:31

Why do you love him? Why does your soul mate ignore your wishes, wants and desires? Thinking that your life would be better without him is not a great sign.

You should be able to discuss things as a couple and come to a compromise.

Grimchmas · 14/05/2023 12:33

  1. he doesn't get to tell you you can't change caree. Review your boundaries.

  2. talk to him.

Bloopsie · 14/05/2023 12:34

towriteyoumustlive · 14/05/2023 12:30

Fair enough not having three kids, as you both need to want it (not to mention the expense and craziness of having three!!) but him saying no to you changing career?!?! WTF?!?!

I see why he doesn't want you to have a lower paid job if you currently can't afford where you are living, but why does he not want to move? Would it not be suitable for his job?

Sounds like you and your DH need to sit down and communicate more. Life is for living, not being too exhausted to do anything.

Why is it in the UK 3 kids is a lot,1 or 2 is bare Minimum and a sure way to your culture dieing out. 3 is minimum one to replace each parent plus third in case of an accident,not having children etc. Where I come from it is encouraged to have 3+ children and the goverment supports financially families and pays mums salary they got at work until youngest child is 3, 7+ children are considered large families and are celebrated- the goverment sends them thank you letters etc

OP, stop giving in to your husband its your life as well :)

Astralitzia · 14/05/2023 12:34

I think this may be a case of heart vs head here and neither of you are unreasonable.

I am presuming there are valid practical reasons for not wanting a drop in household income or moving house.

You both need to sit down together and think about what you want from life and more importantly, how you can achieve that. Living a chilled life by the beach not earning much is all very well, but could you actually afford that?

JMSA · 14/05/2023 12:35

Unless you're clever and careful about it, marriage and kids really can fuck up a woman's life. I've read so many posts on here that all say the same thing!
Sorry OP, that is absolutely not a dig against you or your life. I can relate to everything you have said. It's just so incredibly frustrating when someone is moany yet doesn't want to change!
One thing though: the changes you suggest do seem fairly impractical and a bit extreme. Do you have date nights, weekends away, time to pursue your own hobbies, etc? I'd maybe start with that before the bigger stuff.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/05/2023 12:35

Why do you love someone who controls you and doesn't treat you as an equal?

Maray1967 · 14/05/2023 12:37

No, but I wouldn’t tolerate this in all honesty.

You need to sit him down and tell him what you’ve written here. You either change your lifestyle for a simpler, less pressured one or he has to shut up and stop moaning. He does not get to moan while doing nothing to improve the situation.

ToK1 · 14/05/2023 12:37

@Bloopsie

Sounds awful

Hotfootgoose · 14/05/2023 12:38

If you want a happier life you’ll have to stop being a door mat and start telling him what you want, and not backing down. He doesn’t get to steamroll over your views.

Manichean · 14/05/2023 12:38

Who made him King?

KateyCuckoo · 14/05/2023 12:39

Bloopsie · 14/05/2023 12:34

Why is it in the UK 3 kids is a lot,1 or 2 is bare Minimum and a sure way to your culture dieing out. 3 is minimum one to replace each parent plus third in case of an accident,not having children etc. Where I come from it is encouraged to have 3+ children and the goverment supports financially families and pays mums salary they got at work until youngest child is 3, 7+ children are considered large families and are celebrated- the goverment sends them thank you letters etc

OP, stop giving in to your husband its your life as well :)

Show quote history

What country is this?

I agree I have 3 and it feels normal, not a large family by any stretch.

Natty13 · 14/05/2023 12:39

SadAboutItToday · 14/05/2023 12:28

Ps. He's my soul mate and I want to grow old with him. Divorce or separation definitely isn't on my radar! I love him! I just wish life was a bit more relaxed and sometimes my wishes could be considered :) and my children deserve a more present and relaxed mum and dad

My first thought was that, in a sense, you DO have the life you want. I could never be married to someone who wouldn't compromise or put my preferences first from time to time. There's no way I'd not take a better job because my husband "made his thoughts known" but you would rather keep the peace or keep your husband happy. You put his happiness above your own because you love and adore him and want to grow old with him. That's a choice.

This isn't said to be mean, but sometimes framing things in your mind changes your perspective and feelings on a situation. So start telling yourself that you had a choice to have a 3rd child or keep your husband happy and you chose his happiness. You had a choice to take a better job but you chose to keep him happy instead. Etc. If you love and adore him and want to grow old with him, ultimately you have got what you wanted because if you'd made different choicesaybe your marriage would have ended (it would have if he was married to me!)

roarfeckingroarr · 14/05/2023 12:41

Talk to him. Exactly what you've said here.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/05/2023 12:41

A third kid in case of an accident?!? Thankfully, in 2023, we don't have one in 3 kids dying.
So if every family has at least 3 kids, population of your country will explode pretty damn quickly.

Bloopsie · 14/05/2023 12:41

ToK1 · 14/05/2023 12:37

@Bloopsie

Sounds awful

What sounds awful,mothers getting their salary that they had before birth or minimum salary if they were unemployed, for 3 years allowing them to spend time with their children? And oh high rate pension payments so they dont miss out later on in retirement.

Creamcrackersandricecakes · 14/05/2023 12:41

I too would like to know which country pays mum's former salary for years until her kids are 7+?! What if mum was previously earning £500k a year??

Original poster
SadAboutItToday · 14/05/2023 12:41

I love him because he's someone I can be myself around. He gives good hugs. We can sit in silence (not that there's time!) and I feel comfortable. We've been together nearly 20 years (I'm mid 40s) and have two children and have pretty much never had an argument. We just slot together well. He's a rock and a good dad.

I don't know, maybe I'm having a mid life crisis! But I am so bored with life. It's so hard. I work myself to the ground and am so tired. I really want to make some changes! But DH thinks the house is perfect (it's too big, too expensive, we can't afford it! It needs loads of work we can't afford), near good schools (this is true) and that if we moved things would be the same (but I disagree. We could get a house the same size for half the price in another part of the country (or world!!) and there are other good schools around! and if our mortgage was halved, I wouldn't have to work so hard, nor would he and we could have more family time! Plus we are a long way from my DCs extra curricular activities and I spend almost every day driving them all over the place to this activity or that. If we were sensible we could move somewhere with the relevant clubs within walking distance, or short drive, and that would make a massive difference!)

OP posts:
towriteyoumustlive · 14/05/2023 12:42

Bloopsie · 14/05/2023 12:34

Why is it in the UK 3 kids is a lot,1 or 2 is bare Minimum and a sure way to your culture dieing out. 3 is minimum one to replace each parent plus third in case of an accident,not having children etc. Where I come from it is encouraged to have 3+ children and the goverment supports financially families and pays mums salary they got at work until youngest child is 3, 7+ children are considered large families and are celebrated- the goverment sends them thank you letters etc

OP, stop giving in to your husband its your life as well :)

Show quote history

Because life is "busy" in the UK, and if you want nice things in life that cost money, then this usually involves two parents working.

Kids outnumbering parents can often mean logistic issues (when two have an activity at the same time), and spending quality one to one time with three children can be hard work when you also both work. Then there's the car issue, as only certain cars can fit 3 car seats... Not forgetting the small UK houses and high cost of living in many areas...

Therefore going from 2 to 3 kids in the UK is quite a big change. !

I have 3 kids (not by choice!) and we both work, and there are moments when life would have been less crazy with just two! But we manage and are happy!

arethereanyleftatall · 14/05/2023 12:43

The reason you don't have arguments @SadAboutItToday ,is because your husband says bark and you bark. That is not good nor healthy at all.

Original poster
SadAboutItToday · 14/05/2023 12:44

JMSA · 14/05/2023 12:35

Unless you're clever and careful about it, marriage and kids really can fuck up a woman's life. I've read so many posts on here that all say the same thing!
Sorry OP, that is absolutely not a dig against you or your life. I can relate to everything you have said. It's just so incredibly frustrating when someone is moany yet doesn't want to change!
One thing though: the changes you suggest do seem fairly impractical and a bit extreme. Do you have date nights, weekends away, time to pursue your own hobbies, etc? I'd maybe start with that before the bigger stuff.

DH and I haven't had a night together away from the children for 11 years. I have never been away from the kids for one night! I don't have any hobbies and no time to myself. To be fair, as another poster has pointed out, that's my choice. I'm not complaining. But.. I think now I'm tired and i would like things to change :)

OP posts:
Lindjam · 14/05/2023 12:46

Why does he get the final day in everything?

What would happen if you quit your job for a less stressful one?

You say you don’t want to split, but you are denying yourself and your children a happier life by allowing this situation to continue.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/05/2023 12:46

You might love him op, but do you think he loves you? For from what you've listed, he doesn't care at all about your happiness or what you want.