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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has the life he wants...

277 replies

SadAboutItToday · 14/05/2023 12:24

I've name changed for this as I love my DH and wouldn't want him to be upset!

But here's the thing...

My DH is exhausted. Our life is hectic and he is always tired and moany. I'm tired too (very) and have suggested many changes which he refuses to make. So I try and just be happy with what we have, given he won't let us change anything! :)

But today I'm a bit down that whenever I suggest something big, he always says no. The life I have is the life he wants (it's not the one I want). But he's the one that moans.

I wanted a third child. He said no. Fair enough - we both have to want it. But ... I kind of missed out. I'd always wanted 3 children :)

I wanted to change career. He said no (not directly, but let his wishes be known) because I have a good salary and he wants it to stay that way.

I wanted to move house. We can't afford where we live. I suggested other parts of the country (I can work anywhere) or abroad (I could work in most countries). He said no.

Yesterday I started dreaming of what life would be like if it was just me and the children and it was lovely! We'd move somewhere gorgeous! I'd get a job I enjoy not earning much! I'd be a chilled mummy and our children would love it (picture maybe living in the countryside, or by a beach, maybe abroad!) ... Back to reality and I have work to do tonight for a deadline tomorrow, a long working week with work into the night. Mounting bills, a moaning DH..

I love my DH and my children adore him, but sometimes it feels like I'd be so much freer and happier with out him as I could follow my own dreams.... (plus I wouldn't have a stressed out man about the house all the time!)

Anyone else ever feel this way?

OP posts:
Bloopsie · 14/05/2023 12:48

arethereanyleftatall · 14/05/2023 12:41

A third kid in case of an accident?!? Thankfully, in 2023, we don't have one in 3 kids dying.
So if every family has at least 3 kids, population of your country will explode pretty damn quickly.

People die, young people who havent started a family yet or to keep population growth up as not everyone will have children. We got taught this in 5th grade and when you google:

How many kids do you need to have to increase population?
PIP: Replacement level fertility is the level of fertility at which a population exactly replaces itself from one generation to the next. In developed countries, replacement level fertility can be taken as requiring an average of 2.1 children per woman.

How many kids do you need to have to increase population?
PIP: Replacement level fertility is the level of fertility at which a population exactly replaces itself from one generation to the next. In developed countries, replacement level fertility can be taken as requiring an average of 2.1 children per woman.

There are only 600 000 my native language speakers in the world, if we went down the 1-2 child route there would be no culture and language and therefore country left in 400 years.

Shoxfordian · 14/05/2023 12:48

It sounds like your dh doesn’t want to talk to you or communicate properly just say no to everything. Why do you love someone who doesn’t want to compromise at all?

SchoolShenanigans · 14/05/2023 12:49

There are two issues here.

  1. you seem to be doing an awful lot of compromising compared to him. It's important that you both get elements of what you want, not just him.

  2. you have rose tinted glasses about what life would look like if your salary drops. I suspect you'd soon be complaining that you have little money to do anything, that you were all stressed and lonely from living somewhere that you don't know anyone.

ToK1 · 14/05/2023 12:51

@Bloopsie

Yes.

Are dads given the same?

If not why not?

State sponsored sexism and forced breeding isn't my ideal.

Sissynova · 14/05/2023 12:52

You sound a bit day dreamy about the alternative though. Cheaper parts of the country are cheaper because there’s less work. Plus you’re already complaining about driving your kids to to activities, if you lived in the countryside you would probably be ferrying them about a lot more.
Your life would be busier, more expensive and more exhausting with another child so I think you need to drop that as a stick to beat your husband. Most people don’t want 3 kids.

Randomly switching jobs if it has a massive impact on the family finances is something that should be discussed by both people. Posters are calling him controlling and acting like the king but how would they like their husband to unilaterally take a job earning way less when their bills were already high?

You need to look at practical steps to enjoy your life more. You sound stuck in a rut, uprooting your family might not actually address the problem. Are you near family? Do you have friends? Do you do any hobbies?

Original poster
SadAboutItToday · 14/05/2023 12:53

Lindjam · 14/05/2023 12:46

Why does he get the final day in everything?

What would happen if you quit your job for a less stressful one?

You say you don’t want to split, but you are denying yourself and your children a happier life by allowing this situation to continue.

I think that's what bothers me a bit. I have told him I'd support him whatever job he did. I even offered to pay for him to do an MSc a while ago (with money I had then, but don't now). He is facing some difficulties and possible redundancy (he's been facing this for years so it'll probably never happen, but it might!). I told him we'd find a way, I'll do anything to support him if he's out of work.

I found a good opportunity 6 months ago for my dream job. It would have been a finanacial risk, but it was the first time in my life a realistic opportunity to pursue my dream came up. My brother was really behind me as he's known my dream since a kid, it almost happened. But then DH pursuaded me the risk was too great. It's not his fault. He's v risk averse. Very sensible. But I wish he'd supported me instead of stopping the idea. Obviously it's my life. I could have not listened to him. But sometimes I just wish he'd get behind my dreams. I feel like he's keeping me in this life that I don't like :(

OP posts:
ToK1 · 14/05/2023 12:53

@SadAboutItToday

You haven't answered why he's getting the final say?

There are other things you could change to improve your quality of life.

Get a hobby and start making time for yourself.

Stand up for yourself

Bloopsie · 14/05/2023 12:54

ToK1 · 14/05/2023 12:51

@Bloopsie

Yes.

Are dads given the same?

If not why not?

State sponsored sexism and forced breeding isn't my ideal.

Yeah after a month mum can change maternity leave to dad but tbh its very rare, breastfeeding is also encouraged and most mums opt to stay at home with their baby, no reason to go back to work as she has the same income she had at work for 3 years- unlike in the Uk where salary is the reason why some mums have to go back as they were high earner.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 14/05/2023 12:54

What’s lovable about him? He sounds an absolutely miserable git.

RJnomore1 · 14/05/2023 12:55

The minute anyone says they never argue in their relationship I immediately think “disfunctional”. There are bad WAYS to argue but to have disagreements and find resolution means you’re actually communicating and working together. If you agree on everything one person is hiding their own needs and in this case, it’s you op.

Why is he so he’ll set on this house? Is it a prestigious area and he’s trying to project a veneer of a life he can’t afford? Why are you running kids everywhere? Is he doing it too? Or is it all very convenient for him? Why have you not had a night without your kids for 11 years? Has he not?

I think you need to reframe yourself as a person. You’ve allowed yourself to become a nonperson, consumed by other peoples wants and needs. You matter as a person. Your wants and needs are as valid as your husbands and your children’s. No wonder you are done, you’re pouring out for others all the time and not getting anything back to too you up in return.

Bloopsie · 14/05/2023 12:55

Bloopsie · 14/05/2023 12:54

Yeah after a month mum can change maternity leave to dad but tbh its very rare, breastfeeding is also encouraged and most mums opt to stay at home with their baby, no reason to go back to work as she has the same income she had at work for 3 years- unlike in the Uk where salary is the reason why some mums have to go back as they were high earner.

Show quote history

Dont get the forced breeding part? No one is forcing anything, women can be relaxed about having more than 1-2 children that their income wont suffer and they can raise their family comfortably.

ToK1 · 14/05/2023 12:58

@Bloopsie

All the research shows that the less children women have, the better their outcomes are.

Women should not be bribed into having lots of children when it is detrimental to them, the environment and equality

WuTangGran · 14/05/2023 13:00

Why don’t you get a divorce? Then you could do all these things.

RJnomore1 · 14/05/2023 13:00

@Bloopsie which country is this? The best I can find is 410 days phased in Bulgaria… far from 3 years fully paid?

Natty13 · 14/05/2023 13:00

ToK1 · 14/05/2023 12:51

@Bloopsie

Yes.

Are dads given the same?

If not why not?

State sponsored sexism and forced breeding isn't my ideal.

My sister lives in a country where you get equivalent of about £500 per child every month until the child is 18, parental leave is up to 2 years and can be split however you like - they took a year off each for their DC. The government paid my BIL's salary to his company for the whole year he was off parenting and taking the kids to swimming lessons, parks, museums.

The norm in that country is still only 1 or 2 kids per family. Promoting family life and wanting your citizens to have a happy work life balance isn't "forced breeding" or "sexist".

Original poster
SadAboutItToday · 14/05/2023 13:01

Sissynova · 14/05/2023 12:52

You sound a bit day dreamy about the alternative though. Cheaper parts of the country are cheaper because there’s less work. Plus you’re already complaining about driving your kids to to activities, if you lived in the countryside you would probably be ferrying them about a lot more.
Your life would be busier, more expensive and more exhausting with another child so I think you need to drop that as a stick to beat your husband. Most people don’t want 3 kids.

Randomly switching jobs if it has a massive impact on the family finances is something that should be discussed by both people. Posters are calling him controlling and acting like the king but how would they like their husband to unilaterally take a job earning way less when their bills were already high?

You need to look at practical steps to enjoy your life more. You sound stuck in a rut, uprooting your family might not actually address the problem. Are you near family? Do you have friends? Do you do any hobbies?

I just want to point out, because I didn't say! That I have never raised the not having a third child thing with him since we made the decision. I never use it as a rod to beat him with as you say! In fact I never raise any of this after discussions are had and decisions made.

The one thing I do bring up quite a bit is moving. But not in a "we should have moved" way - more in a "we could still move, it might help us with the stress, finances, sports clubs etc.."

The change of career opportunity is done. It didn't happen because he pursuaded me out of it. And I've never mentioned it to him since.

I'm just raising all this now here because I guess my dream job, and a third child were important to me and I feel sad they didn't happen. I wouldn't mention them to him again though. I do occasionally say 'maybe when I retire I'll get to be a xxxx' and he does fully know my career dream as I've had it since we met. It's a part of me. But it's not something he thinks will bring in the money so there we are.

Moving is still something we could do so maybe is the one thing I do still raise.

OP posts:
EllandRd · 14/05/2023 13:05

He is not your soul mate, if he was he would build you up and work with you instead of controlling you. He sounds miserable. You have one life, do what makes you happy.

Gymnopedie · 14/05/2023 13:06

I love him because he's someone I can be myself around. He gives good hugs. We can sit in silence (not that there's time!) and I feel comfortable.

That's a pretty low bar for a 'soulmate'.

We've been together nearly 20 years (I'm mid 40s) and have two children and have pretty much never had an argument. We just slot together well.

I'm willing to bet my shirt that you do have arguments, but that they end almost immediately because you give in to him. If you pushed for what you want and didn't back down then you'd see just how argumentative he can be.

OP it sounds like you are much more invested in this relationship than he is. To you, he is your life. To him, you are a convenience. The fact that you are having your daydreams and finding them so lovely, even if IRL they wouldn't be quite so good but better than you have it now, says that you are reaching the end. He's draining the life out of you. And one day you will find that the love you feel has gone and is replaced with resentment. You're already on that path.

Stop daydreaming and think about the realities. You may find that you don't love him as much as you think you do, or as much as you would like to do.

AgentJohnson · 14/05/2023 13:06

Apparently soul mates, ignore their their partners wishes and prioritise a lifestyle that stresses them out. Ohh, where can I find one of those.

You are a prisoner of your own making and your relationship is based upon you acquiescing, when did you decide that this dynamic was ok?

Original poster
SadAboutItToday · 14/05/2023 13:08

RJnomore1 · 14/05/2023 12:55

The minute anyone says they never argue in their relationship I immediately think “disfunctional”. There are bad WAYS to argue but to have disagreements and find resolution means you’re actually communicating and working together. If you agree on everything one person is hiding their own needs and in this case, it’s you op.

Why is he so he’ll set on this house? Is it a prestigious area and he’s trying to project a veneer of a life he can’t afford? Why are you running kids everywhere? Is he doing it too? Or is it all very convenient for him? Why have you not had a night without your kids for 11 years? Has he not?

I think you need to reframe yourself as a person. You’ve allowed yourself to become a nonperson, consumed by other peoples wants and needs. You matter as a person. Your wants and needs are as valid as your husbands and your children’s. No wonder you are done, you’re pouring out for others all the time and not getting anything back to too you up in return.

I think this might be true :( But I don't know how to change :)

OP posts:
Goodread1 · 14/05/2023 13:09

Glad. I am single

MsRosley · 14/05/2023 13:09

We've been together nearly 20 years (I'm mid 40s) and have two children and have pretty much never had an argument.

Red flag right there. How the holy fuck can you live with someone for 20 years and not have a vehement disagreement? Sorry, OP, but that smacks to me of someone doing constant appeasement, and my money's on you.

CountlesScreamingArgonauts · 14/05/2023 13:09

This is a relationship without balance. You are earning the larger salary, making the sacrifices, and doing all the work with the kids too. Example; why can't he drive the kids to activities?

arethereanyleftatall · 14/05/2023 13:10

Yeah, op, you're not listening, or not wanting to listen. You have your hands over your ears and are are singing la la la.

The actual and only problem you have is your husband.

Until you can admit that, no one can help you.

Enjoy your life, you're stuck with what you've got whilst your mind set is that he's wonderful. (Clue, he isn't).

I'm out. Waste of time.

Boomboom22 · 14/05/2023 13:12

I don't know if I must be quite selfish but I do what I want tbh. If I said I am applying for this dream job it wouldn't really be a question. I pestered for a year until he agreed to a 3rd child, don't do it by the way! Love him but god 2 is easier. My husband has taken pay cuts as stressed, I would prefer him to earn more but he doesn't want to so that's that.