DH has the life he wants...

[SadAboutItToday]

I've name changed for this as I love my DH and wouldn't want him to be upset!

But here's the thing...

My DH is exhausted. Our life is hectic and he is always tired and moany. I'm tired too (very) and have suggested many changes which he refuses to make. So I try and just be happy with what we have, given he won't let us change anything! :)

But today I'm a bit down that whenever I suggest something big, he always says no. The life I have is the life he wants (it's not the one I want). But he's the one that moans.

I wanted a third child. He said no. Fair enough - we both have to want it. But ... I kind of missed out. I'd always wanted 3 children :)

I wanted to change career. He said no (not directly, but let his wishes be known) because I have a good salary and he wants it to stay that way.

I wanted to move house. We can't afford where we live. I suggested other parts of the country (I can work anywhere) or abroad (I could work in most countries). He said no.

Yesterday I started dreaming of what life would be like if it was just me and the children and it was lovely! We'd move somewhere gorgeous! I'd get a job I enjoy not earning much! I'd be a chilled mummy and our children would love it (picture maybe living in the countryside, or by a beach, maybe abroad!) ... Back to reality and I have work to do tonight for a deadline tomorrow, a long working week with work into the night. Mounting bills, a moaning DH..

I love my DH and my children adore him, but sometimes it feels like I'd be so much freer and happier with out him as I could follow my own dreams.... (plus I wouldn't have a stressed out man about the house all the time!)

Anyone else ever feel this way?

If you've told the truth in you OP and responses, you haven't made him out to be worse than he is, you're just looking for ways that it isn't as bad as people are telling you.

Your career is just that - no one has the right to make you stay in a job because it pays more than the one you want. I'd have been horrible if I'd pushed DH into staying in teaching because the salary was higher as head than the job he was offered that he wanted to take.

Then refusing to move when you can't afford to be there, even on your current salary by the sounds of it, is just another control mechanism to stop you moving jobs.

Wake up and see it for what it is. And think about what you'd tell your children in the same circumstances - I doubt you'd say to any child "just crack on with the status quo because it's keeping your partner happy, while your happiness doesn't matter".

OP,

He is absolutely not your soul mate.

You are so deluded.

He cares not a whit for your happiness and blocks everything you suggest.

You are going to have another conversatiom with him but expect to be told no to anything you suggest, yet AGAIN.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk and ring Women's aid for a chat.

This lovely, kind man is absolutely controlling you completely and you are walking around in denial.

You most likely are depressed from suppression of so much of your wants and needs being completely ignored.

Fear is what keeps you with him.

Get some counselling to figure out why you are so afraid.

To quote the Rolling Stones, you can't always get what you want but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.

My partner's the dreamer: Let's move to France/ Denmark/ Portugal! Look at this canal boat for sale! Look at this crumbling ruin in Cornwall, let's rebuild it!

I'm forced into the position of being the Voice of Reason and pointing out that we'd both have to retrain in a foreign language to continue working over there and that would cost us dearly. Or that, rather like our camper van, a canal boat wouldn't be much fun from October to April and would require maintenance. Or that we've already built our own nice home here and it nearly drove us to a nervous breakdown and divorce.

Moaning is something that holds people and society together. Very few people are lucky enough to love their jobs, their colleagues, their clients. Moaning makes it bearable. Your husband probably doesn't want any extra stress in his life if he's just about coping at the moment. It sounds as if he's really scared of having to hold the family together financially if you were to jack your job and things were to go wrong.

Instead of moaning about him, how about offering smaller, more clearly achievable changes to improve your lives? You can't always get what you want but it might be possible to get what you both need.

@SadAboutItToday

“And think about what you'd tell your children in the same circumstances - I doubt you'd say to any child "just crack on with the status quo because it's keeping your partner happy, while your happiness doesn't matter".

this op!
you wouldn’t, would you?

You say you’ve never had an argument, but is that because you capitulate to his needs and desires whilst suppressing your own?

I highly doubt that anyone on here would not support a woman who was angry and concerned that her husband, despite her protestations, had unilaterally decided to jack in his well paid job to start a new career earning significantly less.

That last decision is no different than the first two when you have decided to share a life and have children with someone I'm afraid.

Not that I am saying that OP's husband is being reasonable btw, just highlighting that actually people are not free to make big career decisions if they impact the family finances anymore than they are to move to another part of the country or have another baby.

There’s a lot of smily emoticons given your husband is controlling every element of your life, it sounds like you’re trying to put some kind of light hearted spin on it but really there’s nothing ‘:)’ about somebody dictating where you live, your job, your family size…

Time for you to take control of your own life and stop being ordered around. That doesn’t mean he has to agree to everything you suggest but he sounds like an ‘I know better and my word is final’ type who doesn’t even give your happiness any consideration.

Whose choice has it been not to have a night away from the kids in 11 years?

"So you have a happy, fulfilling life which is all about you and ends with you. In the meantime, your people are destined to die out in 100-200 years, and taxpayer funded NGOs will put out glossy adverts (only in rich countries) saying how this is actually a good thing, and so nice for the environment and equality and all the nice rainbow stuff."

Overpopulation is a much bigger issue than people dying out. Also, why is a childless life assumed to be "all about you"? Are childless people less likely to volunteer, give to charity, etc.? If anything, lots of parents seem to become very insular and make decisions based on "this is what's best for my family, my family is the only thing that matters, charity begins (and ends) at home" rather than giving to the wider community. Making your life all about your own DC is only one step removed from making it all about yourself.

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/the-legacy-of-a-wasted-life_uk_5acb4a9ae4b01e0b61b762e4

"Statistically the childfree are more likely to give time to their communities and leave more money to charity after they die. 48% of childless people over the age of 55 making provision in their wills for charitable donations in comparison to just 12% of parents of the same age. One German researcher found that a staggering 42% of charitable foundations were actually created by childless people."

Given how exhausted you both are… probably for the best the third child was swerved!

I think a bit of context is needed. He could be being unpleasant and controlling or he could be the voice of reason.
Ie the career change, was it something that would need a degree and therefore expense and no income for three years and you can’t afford it.
Moving, there are a lot of posts on here about people saying they are considering moving to really deprived corners of Lincolnshire or County Durham for cheap housing and clearly don’t realise quite how grim some of these places are.

started dreaming of what life would be like if it was just me and the children and it was lovely!

I am a single parent and yes, it is pretty great!

but then again I’m not exhausted by life as you seem to be

As in you can romance the other side but reality would be totally different. Everyone thinks the opposite of their life would be fantastic but if they had it, they would wish for the opposite.

Example: MIL wishes she never had children and travelled the world, if she had that life she would wish she settled down and had a family because she would be lonely.

and have two children and have pretty much never had an argument. We just slot together well. He's a rock and a good dad.

Is this because you always give in ?

My MIL always appears to defer to FIL but actually it's mostly she's not actually that bothered about most things and when she puts her foot down it always goes her way and her lifestyle is what she wants. I think DH and are more a partnership but we compromise and talk - it clear when things are important to each other. I think in both cases we want each other happy so listen and plan accordingly.

You make it sound like you can't talk things though and that you are always the one to compromise - and that is going to lead to massive resentment.

Yesterday I started dreaming of what life would be like if it was just me and the children and it was lovely! We'd move somewhere gorgeous! I'd get a job I enjoy not earning much! I'd be a chilled mummy and our children would love it (picture maybe living in the countryside, or by a beach, maybe abroad!) ... Back to reality and I have work to do tonight for a deadline tomorrow, a long working week with work into the night. Mounting bills, a moaning DH..

This is just a fantasy though.

The realities are that if you got a job paying less then you wouldn’t be the chilled mummy, you’d be the stressed mummy worrying about you’re going to pay your bills and arguing over money issues.

I am with your DH about not moving and not wanting a third child.

But he should have absolutely no say in your career choices unless it will severely impact him and the DCs (E.g. wouldn’t be able to afford the bills etc) but it still should be something that he’s happy for you to look into.

You say you are a dreamer which is fine as we all are.
But I wonder if you are a bit of an impulsive dreamer, where you think you want something and suddenly that’s all you can think about and if you had your way you would absolutely do it.
Whereas, I wonder if your DH is the sensible one who gives you a reality check and keeps you from making crazy decisions that you haven’t thought through.

If you seriously want to change careers then find a way to do this without it impacting everyone else too much.
But also be prepared for DH to want to do the same and therefore your lifestyle be affected even further.

I’ve worked hard at being more selfish as in a natural ‘giver’. When you’re a mum and work and have a home to run things for yourself can get shunted to the bottom. To the bottom of a to do list you never finish.

Recently I had an exercise class booked and my older children had a sports lesson. The younger sibling was tired and in a foul mood. There seemed to be an expectation that I’d miss my class to look after the youngest. Only I didn’t. I said they had a choice, take her and placate her or not go. They didn’t go. Their choice.
I would have packed her scooter, bubbles, picnic and found a work around. But I chose not to step in and fix everything.
I felt some mum guilt at my selfishness….but I’m not always going to be bottom of the list. They’ve been the last few weeks as normal so no harm done.

Not seeing what's loveable (only a snapshot I know)

Where does he think about you? (or anything that's not him?)

How can you describe someone as your soulmate if they don't consider what you want? Even decisions about your own job and career - bonkers!!!

you have no time to yourself, you're run into he ground and he just sits there doing sweet FA - not a soulmate in my book.

Not even a night away without kids in 11 yrs. You run the kids too and from activities that aren't even nearby. You have no time for hobbies.

But, "you love him and he gives good hugs".

I'd be thinking about that little place near a beach for the future (without him) - who needs a moany, controlling bundle of drudgery for the next 30 years?

You need to sit down and speak to your Dh give him a heads up and arrange a time so he knows it’s serious .
Tell him you will be looking to change jobs for sure and this also means you will have to put the house up for sale and downsize closer to town /clubs. Tell him the truth how you feel that your exhausted and unfulfilled in life that you also are the one in the relationship who is making all the sacrifices .If he loves you and especially if he respects you he will take you seriously .
Maybe you have never been firm enough.

let Him knows it’s time for change . Personally I’d say he’s with you or your happy to make these changes alone . You have a voice use it

I wanted to change career. He said no (not directly, but let his wishes be known) because I have a good salary and he wants it to stay that way.

So follow your own wishes with that one. The third DC and the moving I can see why he'd have the casting vote as it's status quo, but as long as you can still pay your share, his wishes don't trump yours on your career. If you let him have the final say, that's your look-out and within your power to change.

You're letting him...

Of course he doesn't want you to take a risk because then you'd HAVE to move, and he doesn't want that, does he?

You are being controlled. He's not abusive with it but he's definitely keeping you where he wants you

You never argue because you are so compliant. That isn’t testament to your compatibility.

Neither of you is wrong... but you don't share the same values where it matters. But that doesn't mean you should never get your way ever. obviously, you should not bring children into the world that both partners do not want but scaling down your lifestyle for a less stressful job is something you should go for with a lot of conversations with him about how to make it work.

I think this is key OP.

Another thing to think about is what happens when the kids leave home and it's just the two of you. How will retirement be for you? Are you likely to want to do the same things or are you going to go along with what he wants and become more and more resentful.

We only have one life. If he is your soulmate you should be able to sit down with him and explain exactly how you feel. If he refuses to listen then, sadly, he is not your soulmate.

Any chance he would consider counselling?

Does he know you're unhappy? (Do YOU know you're unhappy?)