DH has the life he wants...

[SadAboutItToday]

I've name changed for this as I love my DH and wouldn't want him to be upset!

But here's the thing...

My DH is exhausted. Our life is hectic and he is always tired and moany. I'm tired too (very) and have suggested many changes which he refuses to make. So I try and just be happy with what we have, given he won't let us change anything! :)

But today I'm a bit down that whenever I suggest something big, he always says no. The life I have is the life he wants (it's not the one I want). But he's the one that moans.

I wanted a third child. He said no. Fair enough - we both have to want it. But ... I kind of missed out. I'd always wanted 3 children :)

I wanted to change career. He said no (not directly, but let his wishes be known) because I have a good salary and he wants it to stay that way.

I wanted to move house. We can't afford where we live. I suggested other parts of the country (I can work anywhere) or abroad (I could work in most countries). He said no.

Yesterday I started dreaming of what life would be like if it was just me and the children and it was lovely! We'd move somewhere gorgeous! I'd get a job I enjoy not earning much! I'd be a chilled mummy and our children would love it (picture maybe living in the countryside, or by a beach, maybe abroad!) ... Back to reality and I have work to do tonight for a deadline tomorrow, a long working week with work into the night. Mounting bills, a moaning DH..

I love my DH and my children adore him, but sometimes it feels like I'd be so much freer and happier with out him as I could follow my own dreams.... (plus I wouldn't have a stressed out man about the house all the time!)

Anyone else ever feel this way?

What does your husband actually do? You appear to be in a high stress job, working late into the night, running the kids around and not getting any say in any big decisions.

You don’t have any arguments because you are so bloody passive and a door mat.

He is not the soulmate you think he is as he is totally disregarding your hopes, wishes and dreams. He sounds a sexist, selfish arse to me. You are teaching your children that women must obey the man and not realise their aspirations as they come second to men.

Most long term relationships survive because you both learn to compromise on decisions. But when one of you is the default compromiser, eventually bitterness and resentment starts to creep in.

I used to give in to DH for a quiet life. It meant no sulks, no strops, and kept the peace around the kids. And then one day, the rose tinted spectacles fell off and I realised that I wasn't his wife, I was his doormat. I was about your age too, if that makes any difference. He's very slowly learning that everything doesn't happen his way anymore. It's taken some nerve, and some inner strength as he will keep on and on and on thinking that I'll give in. I don't argue, I don't shout - but I do say No.

You're feeling like you do for a reason. Time to stop quietening that inner voice.

Some of the things you are saying really are just a fantasy though. Living in the country can be as bad as, or even worse, than living in a town believe me. I've done both and it's no fun if you have to get to work/school and the snow is on the ground and you're driving along a narrow country lane, or worse trying to get up a hill. Or you can't get deliveries, or your kids are bored because there is no where to go to. It's not relaxing when it takes ages to get to the supermarket, or you run out of milk on Sunday evening.
As for your DH not letting you career change, why did you just agree? Did you actually discuss it, or did it seem like wishful thinking on your part?
I don't know how old your kids are but is there no way you could go out together one evening? Start with that, time away from thinking about them and focus on being adults, not just a parent.
You need to learn how to stand up for yourself, but not live in a fantasy world. A proper plan of how to improve your life, and tell him 'happy wife, happy life'.

I hope the opportunity will come round again too, but the odds of that are pretty much zero. So I think it's unlikely. Retirement is maybe the next time I might get a chance but I think I'll be too old and tired then. I will regret that decision forever. Ultimately it was mine. I should have had the confidence to go for it despite DHs reservations. I wanted to do it but needed his support and encouragement.

To be fair to DH, I don't think he understands how much I wanted it. He knows I've wanted it since we met and that it's my dream. But he doesn't have any dreams. He plods along doing a job he doesn't like that much, but he doesn't have a dream of another job. He's just not like that. He doesn't have aspirations. He has everything he wants - wife, kids, house, a good school nearby for the kids. He doesn't seem to dream or want for other things (except time and rest, which I could also do with !) So I don't think he got just how much that opportunity meant to me and he didn't want me to take a risk. I think he was trying to protect me and the family financially. But ultimately I regret that I didn't do the career move inspite of his pursuasion otherwise. And ultimately that was my own choice and only me to blame really.

I just think (well ... 'know' actually), that the other way around I'd have said 'go for it! I know its what you've always wanted. I'll support you. If it doesn't work out, we'll find a way through'. If he'd said that I'd have done it and I would have been living that dream right now (I'm aware of the rose tints glasses! It would have been hard work, but hard work doing something I loved). My brother was 100% behind me, even helped me start with some of the practical side of getting the job move started. But DH definitely wasn't keen so I felt unable to make the move. It will be a regret forever

It’s interesting the prejudice that the man must be the sensible one.

I see the opposite: DH wants to live in a house they can’t afford, at some distance from clubs and activities, and they have a poor work-life balance, that he continually moans about.

She would like to downsize and achieve a better work-life balance where they’re both less worn down.

He’s the dreamer, she’s the realist.

Sure she has a fantasy of throwing him off so she could make the choices she wants but that’s because he’s very controlling and she has no agency over her own life at the moment.

Honestly this relationship sounds unhealthy. He’s the man and what he says goes it seems. He has complete control of you and the final say on everything. There seems to be a power imbalance? He might be logical in some respects but simultaneously dismissive of you. Eg my partner would help me find a way to make the dream job work. Also you do sound clueless to some extent…it’s all good saying let’s move “anywhere” but you should come up with some feasible areas and not leave it him to figure out.

happy wife, happy life⬅️ dreadful sexist outdated trope. Keep the wee lady happy in a superficial way and man gets to be the boss?
happy life is fluid and it’s about planned negotiations and compromises were required. A happy wife does not universally equate to a happy life.

Xpost - I don’t think it’s so much that he doesn’t have dreams but that they’re narrower and more than yours and he’s got what he wanted. He’s got his dream house. You haven’t. And you have work hard to support this house in spite of not quite being able to afford it, to keep his dream going.

*more mundane

@SadAboutItToday Perhaps you too are risk-averse.

"I love my DH and wouldn't want him to be upset!"
This is in the first line of your OP. It seems to me that you have capitulated on these potentially life-changing moves because you don't want to rock the boat. You don't want to upset him so you give in.

What do you think his reaction would be if you were to stand your ground?

Also why is the career opportunity once in a lifetime? That seems a bit dramatic considering you have the internet at your fingertips

no reason to go back to work as she has the same income she had at work for 3 years-

Lots of women work for more than just the money .....

Maybe not, but if the DH does believe that his wife should be happy and not just exist to be a doormat then that's an improvement. I've never seen it as an outdated, sexist trope, but as an acknowledgement that both parties should try to promote happiness for the other. Quite often it's the woman who is keeping the husband happy with no reciprocity.

But I wonder if you are a bit of an impulsive dreamer, where you think you want something and suddenly that’s all you can think about and if you had your way you would absolutely do it.
Whereas, I wonder if your DH is the sensible one who gives you a reality check and keeps you from making crazy decisions that you haven’t thought through.

Yes, that's what I'm wondering. I have an acquaintance who doesn't have much money but blows everything she has on dreams. Latest wheeze was an old Porsche for £4k, which she had to borrow. 'I've always wanted to own a Porsche!' She had three weeks of expensive fun in it (it hadn't occurred to her how many mpg it would do) before the gearbox went and she can't afford to fix it. It'll need to be sold for spare parts. She's devastated. I can only presume that if she'd had a partner who'd said no, no way, when she mentioned buying it there would be lots of MNetters who'd say he was controlling.

I’m trying to work out what career opportunity could only come around once or twice like Halley’s comet.

Even if that’s closed, there must be other possibilities?

You are giving him what he wants but getting nothing back. You care a lot more about him than the other way around.

You are fantasising about life without him because at some level, that's what you want. At some level, you are aware that you have settled for less than you are worth.

Take the kids away to a holiday apartment or caravan for a week without him. How you cope with them on your own and what state the house is in on your return will both be instructive.

So did you read the bit where it’s the husband who insisted on the house they can’t afford and OP wants to downsize to something more affordable?

This is so sad.

He isn't even that happy if he's stressed, tired etc but guess what he doesn't care about your happiness and fulfilment.

He doesn't care enough to know how long that's been your dream career, let alone support you. He didn't want the discomfort or potential cost to him of you changing career.

He doesn't want to make your life easier by moving.

Because living in the UK is so very expensive, especially for the young generation. I desperately wanted more than 2 but we want to ensure that we could afford to give them the best start in life and splitting our resources 3 ways rather than 2 would detrimentally affect how much we could provide for them. We didn’t base it on emotions but pure practicality of giving them the best life we could.

OP now you kids are older I think you need to force some of the issues. Not everything at once but put all the things you want to change in order of priority and work out to make them happen one by one. You don’t need to ask your DH permission but present him with your plan. Better to ask for forgiveness than permission!

I have suggested some places. The job I currently have I could do anywhere in the world (partly why he likes me having it I l think! It's an in demand job and I'll never be out of work). I asked where he can go to do his line if work. I looked into areas, houses etc.. in the UK. There is a country abroad which is English speaking, good schools, my particular job pays v v well there so our standard of living, even if he was out of work, would be better than it is now. Sports clubs (and better than our current ones) on the door step. Lifestyle.my children would enjoy (they r sporty, this is an area with lots of outdoor sports) I do understand not emigrating. It's a massive thing! but moving within the UK is not so scary - we could move nearer (not next to!!! Definitely not next to!!) his parents, siblings... we could definitely downsize and even get a house the same size but for half the price. I do think we could have a much better standard of living if we lived elsewhere. His opinion is we've worked hard to get where we are so shouldn't jack it in. My view is that yes we have worked hard. But I can't keep working a million hours a week any longer. I am knackered. :)

I take the point that moving is a big thing. I could make suggestions for smaller things we can change. Maybe I'm being unreasonable suggesting moving. But I guess the point of the thread was that I'd just been reflecting on the big things in my life over the years we've been together and thinking that on all the big things, his view has prevailed.

(Re children - I don't want another child now! That time has passed. I'm too old! And my youngest is yr5 now. It was a decision we (he) made several years ago after DH 2. I don't ever mention it now. I know this kind of decision always needs to be a joint one. It's just it's one of several big decisions that ended up in his favour not mine! Like moving, and changing career! I have never said no to him (and am leaning this may be part of my current problem and apparant mid life crisis!)

I can understand him saying no to a third child (you can’t compromise on this). However, why didn’t he like the idea of you changing jobs? Would it have been a huge drop in salary and put a strain on the family’s finances? Also, why won’t he discuss moving house?

I agree with #TheyAreMyBhunasPete. You seem like the dreamer and he the realist. This site is full of people struggling with the col crisis that are living in the cheap areas you describe. It sounds like things are really tight so I can see why he wouldn't go for a risky job or extra child.
You are approaching things from the wrong direction. First you need to ease the pressure off your lives and then he will be happier about taking risks. Why don't you present a costed out plan to him re where you would live, what work opportunities are in that area etc. You say he has it all his own way, but it sounds like he is as knackered as you are, so his life isn't perfect either. If you work together you might be able to make the required changes to make you both happier.

I'm intrigued as to what your dream job is?!

Yes, this is kind if how it is I think! Not that he doesn't work hard too. It's just that he's working for something he wants, which I guess maybe makes the working feel a bit easier.