DH has the life he wants...

[SadAboutItToday]

I've name changed for this as I love my DH and wouldn't want him to be upset!

But here's the thing...

My DH is exhausted. Our life is hectic and he is always tired and moany. I'm tired too (very) and have suggested many changes which he refuses to make. So I try and just be happy with what we have, given he won't let us change anything! :)

But today I'm a bit down that whenever I suggest something big, he always says no. The life I have is the life he wants (it's not the one I want). But he's the one that moans.

I wanted a third child. He said no. Fair enough - we both have to want it. But ... I kind of missed out. I'd always wanted 3 children :)

I wanted to change career. He said no (not directly, but let his wishes be known) because I have a good salary and he wants it to stay that way.

I wanted to move house. We can't afford where we live. I suggested other parts of the country (I can work anywhere) or abroad (I could work in most countries). He said no.

Yesterday I started dreaming of what life would be like if it was just me and the children and it was lovely! We'd move somewhere gorgeous! I'd get a job I enjoy not earning much! I'd be a chilled mummy and our children would love it (picture maybe living in the countryside, or by a beach, maybe abroad!) ... Back to reality and I have work to do tonight for a deadline tomorrow, a long working week with work into the night. Mounting bills, a moaning DH..

I love my DH and my children adore him, but sometimes it feels like I'd be so much freer and happier with out him as I could follow my own dreams.... (plus I wouldn't have a stressed out man about the house all the time!)

Anyone else ever feel this way?

So you have given in to everything your DH wants at a great cost to you. He won't talk about change or compromise at great cost to you. This/his life will continue for the remainder of your marriage at great cost to you. Do you want to bury yourself for another person who shows no care or regard for your physical, mental or emotional self?

What happens when you say no? Does he shout, throw a tantrum, sulk, makes it so scary so you don't bring it up again or does he try to reach a compromise calmly? Or have you never said no?

Just read that you haven't had a night away from the kids in 11 years. OP, this is not normal nor healthy. I think your discontent will only grow, not lessen, over time. You have a right to be happy - that means actually happy, not trying to convince yourself you're happy. I also think life is about change and risk, otherwise you're going to stagnate. There is no such thing as safety, and the sooner your DH embraces that, the sooner you'll all have a chance to grow and thrive.

Sometimes I read. some mumsnet Op threads about their relationships

I totally understand now , why gay 🏳️‍🌈 pride movement has really taken off in a big way,

Why it's so popular,

When you hear about what some men are really like on Planet 🌏 earth.to be in relationship with.

Have a virtual hug.

What’s one little thing you would like to do for you?

I hope this thread will help you to think about this problem as a whole.

My advice would be to have a proper think by yourself about what changes you would like and why.

Then talk to him about these changes in a non-confrontational but also non-wimpy (!) manner. Explain the seriousness of your feelings - do not let him poo poo you.

Go to counselling together to thrash out these issues if you can. He may need a kick to get some insight into his own issues ie being so risk averse etc.

Your idea of a soul mate is very very different to mine. Mine would be someone who wants me to be happy and will discuss things and help achieve what we BOTH want and actively works towards us both being happy by communicating openly and compromising if necessary.

I am listening :)

Actually this thread has been v helpful for me. I think I've had my head in the sand for a long time. I really thought people would say 'oh yes, I have those dreams, but this is what everyone experiences OP, just crack on'. That would have validated that I need to just get on with it and stop dreaming!!

He's really not all bad, I do love him and he is a kind man. I think I've made him sound worse than he is. But yes, I agree that he also is on to a good thing here and is able to have it all while I have little. I need to think. I don't want things to continue as they are, but equally I do not want our family unit to change. We r a close team and I will not split from him. I will however work on being more assertive. And I am going to try and have a sit down conversation with him where I say what I need. Which I hope goes ok. It probably will just end in me agreeing to continue as we are. But it's a start ..

@SadAboutItToday

why on earth haven’t you had a night away from the kids in 11 years?!

@Bloopsie

some women don’t want any kids at all you know
imagine that!

So. He's your soulmate. Are you absolutely sure that you're his? It doesn't sound to me like you are. Because honestly he sounds completely miserable and unhappy, and he seems to be dealing with that by making sure you can't be happy either.

Some of the reasons you've stated for loving your husband and thinking he's your soulmate apply to my dog. She also gives good cuddles, I can be myself around her, and she is more comfortable company than most humans. Good marriages have deeper foundations than "gives good hugs and parents his children". Never having had an argument in my experience is a sign of one member of a partnership being in total control of the relationship and the other being a doormat, it's not a good thing in 99% of cases. He's running your life like a puppet master and you're just dancing along because "he's my sooooulmate" without actually considering whether an actual soulmate would put so much energy into stifling your soul.

@SadAboutItToday

“And I am going to try and have a sit down conversation with him where I say what I need. Which I hope goes ok. It probably will just end in me agreeing to continue as we are. But it's a start ..”

how is that a start?!

you either want things to change or you don’t

get yourself a hobby, book a spa trip with your mates

make it happen!

The grass is always greener springs to mind.

@Alargeoneplease89

how do you mean?

Why won't PPs drop the names of these countries with amazing maternity/parental support?

This!

Sweden? Norway?

OP,

I would strongly advise you to get some solo counselling because you are desperately, quietly unhappy, and in extraordinary denial about it.

It will not go away.

Your husband is a very very selfish man and your marriage is really not happy.

You exist only to do as you are told.

You have absolutely no agency in your life and it's rare even on misery central which MN can be, to read a post where a woman does not exist within her own life.

This is not a marriage.

It is a really sad empty existence with a man who couldn't care less about you or your happiness.

You are a workhorse.

I would strongly suggest you start looking at areas to live that would make life easier for the children and you.

Force the sale of your house.

Split the children 50/50 with him and crack on with your life.

I can guarantee it will be better than remaining married to a man who has zero interest in you or your happiness.

Yours is not a normal nor happy marriage.

You are just a numb depressed woman trying to get through each day.

Change something before you crack.

So the number of kids and the house move you both have to agree.

But I'm wondering if there is more to the career problem. As you well know, you don't need your husband to agree to a job change. If he is a reasonable person, he may not like it but he'd ultimately be fine with it if it covered the bills. I know I've let opportunities pass by because I was (maybe subconsciously) scared of taking them, and my husbands (or a friend or whoever's) discouragement has been a bit of an excuse. Just something tot think about.

Excellent supports but not 3 years full pay and certainly not average of 7 children families.

OP the definition of a soulmate is someone who is on the same page as you, that you connect with on so many levels. Have a read of this and see how many of them you can honestly tick off.

Nonsense.

Research massively points towards larger families being happier families.

Honestly life is too short. He might be a decent father and a decent husband, but you fantasise about life without him and acknowledge he always has the final say in decisions. Whilst of course a relationship usually involves compromise so you cant always do what you want it shouldn't be one person making all of the decisions. It sounds like you don't have another relationship to compare it to? It doesn't sound amazing or loving to me really.

All the research shows that the less children women have, the better their outcomes are.

Women should not be bribed into having lots of children when it is detrimental to them, the environment and equality

So you have a happy, fulfilling life which is all about you and ends with you. In the meantime, your people are destined to die out in 100-200 years, and taxpayer funded NGOs will put out glossy adverts (only in rich countries) saying how this is actually a good thing, and so nice for the environment and equality and all the nice rainbow stuff.

Missing the point of the thread perhaps but I'm with @Bloopsie on this. Have fewer kids if you want, but en masse, in most of Europe, we're just workaholics toiling our way into extinction, and it's lunacy.

@SadAboutItToday well it’s obvious why you don’t argue, I mean you just do as you’re told really.
I love my dh dearly but we’re equals which means give and take. Your dh is all take and no give.

Whats that saying.
Everyone dies but not everybody lives.

I don't want things to continue as they are, but equally I do not want our family unit to change.

With the information you have given regarding your DH I think you don't have a choice. He's already vetoed three things that are close to your heart with zero discussion.

Take a moment first. If he refuses to discuss will you continue to swallow the inner you and give in to him over everything, or will you change your family unit even slightly? Think hard before you bring it up as I feel your discussion will end up as an ultimatum. You need to be clear in your own mind first whether you can continue your marriage with resentment and frustration for the next 40 years. I have been on a similar journey so i wish you good luck