DH has the life he wants...

[SadAboutItToday]

I've name changed for this as I love my DH and wouldn't want him to be upset!

But here's the thing...

My DH is exhausted. Our life is hectic and he is always tired and moany. I'm tired too (very) and have suggested many changes which he refuses to make. So I try and just be happy with what we have, given he won't let us change anything! :)

But today I'm a bit down that whenever I suggest something big, he always says no. The life I have is the life he wants (it's not the one I want). But he's the one that moans.

I wanted a third child. He said no. Fair enough - we both have to want it. But ... I kind of missed out. I'd always wanted 3 children :)

I wanted to change career. He said no (not directly, but let his wishes be known) because I have a good salary and he wants it to stay that way.

I wanted to move house. We can't afford where we live. I suggested other parts of the country (I can work anywhere) or abroad (I could work in most countries). He said no.

Yesterday I started dreaming of what life would be like if it was just me and the children and it was lovely! We'd move somewhere gorgeous! I'd get a job I enjoy not earning much! I'd be a chilled mummy and our children would love it (picture maybe living in the countryside, or by a beach, maybe abroad!) ... Back to reality and I have work to do tonight for a deadline tomorrow, a long working week with work into the night. Mounting bills, a moaning DH..

I love my DH and my children adore him, but sometimes it feels like I'd be so much freer and happier with out him as I could follow my own dreams.... (plus I wouldn't have a stressed out man about the house all the time!)

Anyone else ever feel this way?

Then you need to change it and give your DH a rocket. It sounds like you are the bread winner (??) so does DH have a cushy life without the stress of having to earn your equivalent?

I find this sad to read as it mirrors my life 15 years ago!
Then I had a serious car accident and my rosé tinted glasses fell off and I suddenly saw my ex how the rest of the world did and it was a huge shock!
It took me another five years to leave but I’m glad that I did. The life my children and I have now is so much better. My children are grown up - just finishing uni.
At first they were angry with me for leaving but now they see their father differently and have both said they are glad I left. He is still angry at me because he no longer has control over me or our children and as adults they see the reality better.
No one can tell you what to do - only you know how you feel and only you can decide BUT everything you have said is what I experienced and although it’s been hard I’m glad the glasses fell off.
Good luck

But why don't you and your needs and wants count. Are you bringing up your children to be like you, bottom of everyone's list? Or to be incredibly entitled at the expense of your life? Their life is not of more value than yours. Are they proud of you? Are they powerful young feminists? Are they going to aspire to change lives in a good way?

Yes. I had to beg to go on a not very expensive trip whilst we were on holiday in Turkey. I even paid!! It was somewhere I had always wanted to explore, but it was a 20 hour trip and he didn’t want to get up at 4am. It was a date as we had childcare. That was a year ago this month!

We have now separated. I am much happier. I feel free. I now get my needs met by myself. I can be as spontaneous as I want.

You are doing all the compromising. It doesn’t work OP. It will eat away at you bit by bit till you get poorly. Life is far too fucking short for that kind of shit.

Love shouldn’t be that hard.

^^ also going to point out before anyone starts that it was a 14 day holiday. We had already done all of the trips he wanted… and that’s just the tip of the iceberg! I didn’t end a marriage because of a holiday. It just opened my eyes finally.

Death by a thousand cuts OP! You DESERVE more!

This makes me feel so sad. You had a dream work opportunity come to you. Something you dreamed about since you were a child and your brother was behind you going for it. And because your husband has what sounds like low level anxiety, you let that untreated anxiety make the decision for you! And you let it go by. I imagine if you ever let yourself feel your own emotions and put your needs first, you'd feel sad, angry and devasted anout that decision. I bet your brother feels that on your behalf. A soul mate doesn't keep you small and live half a live. That's just a relationship of let's compromise ourselves together and I'll love you if you don't ask me to take on my anxiety Nd don't do anything that might panic me. Your kids would have cheered you on I bet.

A soul mate doesn't squash your dreams or your opinions. I think you're settling for less than you deserve.

A hint of coercive control going on here. He needs an ultimatum.

Yesterday I started dreaming of what life would be like if it was just me and the children and it was lovely! We'd move somewhere gorgeous! I'd get a job I enjoy not earning much! I'd be a chilled mummy and our children would love it (picture maybe living in the countryside, or by a beach, maybe abroad!) ...

I'm not convinced a single parent earning buttons would actually be a "chilled mummy" and her children would "love" their new lifestyle just because it's by the beach/countryside. Evidence on here from women in this situation seems to suggest the opposite.

What is this dream career you've given up in favour of the more lucrative one?

I think you've people pleased yourself into a corner OP.
Your current job- what is it and why are you working yourself into the floor? Do you do significantly more than your other colleagues?

You mention your brother, he sounds supportive but is yet another man you needed to help you.
What is your mum like? Would you say you grew up with your dad being head of the household in the same way?
You sound like a nice person but project very sort of feminin wistful needing to be rescued vibe.
What would happen if you went against your dh in a small way? For example sausages for tea instead of the roast dinner he wanted, or painting the hallway blue instead of green?

I think you need proper counselling and to talk this through with some one

You say your dc are your world, both of your worlds, yet your dh is willing to let his wife's life, the mother of this children go unfulfilled and be unhappy. That's not a great example to set your dc. They use your relationship for the blueprint of their future relationships. Would you be happy if they treated their partners like he treats you, or they give up their lives for their partners and don't follow any dreams?

Your husband feels he's at risk of redundancy and has been for years, which is why your career change was too risky. Why doesn't he look for another job that would reduce that looming cloud of redundancy, rather than you being the one to hold the fort 'just in case'?

I think you should settle on the one plan, that you think would be best for your family. Be specific about the country, your job, projected income. It's never a good idea to give a range of alternatives to someone who doesn't want change to happen in the first place. Make your decision. Then just set about making it happen. Take charge. Do the sums. Paint the picture. Say this is what you have decided is for the best. You need to change course before the children have put down teenage roots, while you still have time to build a life and make friends in a different place. Be prepared for a big fight with your husband, change is terrifying. Are you scared he will stop loving you if you put your foot down? He won't. He loves you. He's just scared and you need to take charge.

I strongly suspect his threat of redundancy helps the op's dh control the narrative

I want to change jobs / you can't, what happens if we get made redundant

I want to move - let's wait until we know what's happening with my job

Can we move location - if I move jobs I'll loose any redundancy pay outs

It was somewhere I had always wanted to explore, but it was a 20 hour trip and he didn’t want to get up at 4am.

To be fair, I wouldn't want to get up at 4am either. I'd feel like a zombie and wouldn't enjoy the trip at all.

There appears to be NO compromise on his part and toù apowarvto think you just have to concede to his wishes. Hes used to "pronouncing" now but you teo need to work on compromising as part of your partnership

In Egypt we got up at much the same time to go to the valley of the kings and that was okay because he wanted to go. It was only a different story when it was something I wanted to do. I’d have gone alone but that wasn’t okay either so I couldn’t win 🤷‍♀️

Also, if anything were to happen to one of the parents or there was a massive change of circumstances (unemployment, ill health etc), you wouldn't get any help from the government for a third child if they were born after April 2016. No Universal Credit, no Child Benefit etc.

@Ihatepickingausername3 Fair enough then!

I’m not saying it’s all one way or all the other, and perhaps I need more context, but you sound a little overly dreamy and whimsical, OP. Not wanting a 3rd child is completely valid, as isn’t moving to a much further afield area of the country or another country when you have a kid in yr 5 and the other presumably in secondary school - surely he’s allowed to think it’s not a good idea to uproot them at this age? So if moving to a much cheaper area isn’t a great idea, then surely also isn’t a career change that would land you in financial straits?

It sounds as though you’re very bored and dreaming of escapism. Aldo very valid, and maybe is due to the dynamics of your marriage - but his stance on the above alone I think is sound.

Exactly. He seems to be hiding behind this risk of redundancy. I couldn't stay in a job where I felt redundancy was looming over me for years. He should change jobs rather than expect OP to never change careers.

It's going to sound weird but you sound suicidal. "Ending your life" sometimes doesn't mean death but rather "death" of your current situation. You are also starting to have widow fantasies.

If I were a close friend, I'd be worried about your mental health. I think you definitely need to self-care and put yourself first. Who are YOU and what do YOU like/want to do? This is what The Dollshouse and Runaway Bride are all about. It's so easy to go along with the wishes of others without thinking about yourself and what you want. You seem to want a new job, that you'll actually enjoy, even if it means less money. Your fantasies about moving to the Country are very rose-tinted (I moved to the country and have rarely managed the picnics and long walks), and don't include your husband.

You need to go for a long walk with DH and talk about how you feel. Take time off work or beg childcare but go. A walk is great because no one is there if you shout or cry. Explain how you wish you'd had three kids, hate your job, would like to move somewhere else etc, and that you're feeling trapped and stifled. Explain how you've been feeling you want to end your life by running away from it all. I suspect he's also suffering from some form of depression too and is desperately trying to keep things the same from security. He needs to understand he risks losing you, even if you'd never physically do it. I suspect he's losing you emotionally and mentally already.

I agree with you.@pollymere

The OP is calling the man she fantasies leaving her soulmate.

He's a very controlling man who has used his potential redundancy to keep her in check for years.

He is happy for her to be virtually burnt out.

He couldn't care less about her mental state.

She is sounding like someone who is on the edge of the precipice of her endurance to keep all the balls in the air, as her husband looks on.

Only she can save herself.

He certainly won't.

Agree @pollymere

The single parents I know are the most chilled and relaxed people I know. Even the ones on small salaries topped up with UC