Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has the life he wants...

277 replies

SadAboutItToday · 14/05/2023 12:24

I've name changed for this as I love my DH and wouldn't want him to be upset!

But here's the thing...

My DH is exhausted. Our life is hectic and he is always tired and moany. I'm tired too (very) and have suggested many changes which he refuses to make. So I try and just be happy with what we have, given he won't let us change anything! :)

But today I'm a bit down that whenever I suggest something big, he always says no. The life I have is the life he wants (it's not the one I want). But he's the one that moans.

I wanted a third child. He said no. Fair enough - we both have to want it. But ... I kind of missed out. I'd always wanted 3 children :)

I wanted to change career. He said no (not directly, but let his wishes be known) because I have a good salary and he wants it to stay that way.

I wanted to move house. We can't afford where we live. I suggested other parts of the country (I can work anywhere) or abroad (I could work in most countries). He said no.

Yesterday I started dreaming of what life would be like if it was just me and the children and it was lovely! We'd move somewhere gorgeous! I'd get a job I enjoy not earning much! I'd be a chilled mummy and our children would love it (picture maybe living in the countryside, or by a beach, maybe abroad!) ... Back to reality and I have work to do tonight for a deadline tomorrow, a long working week with work into the night. Mounting bills, a moaning DH..

I love my DH and my children adore him, but sometimes it feels like I'd be so much freer and happier with out him as I could follow my own dreams.... (plus I wouldn't have a stressed out man about the house all the time!)

Anyone else ever feel this way?

OP posts:
diamondpony80 · 14/05/2023 13:48

How is he your soul mate when you clearly don't want the same things in life? A few more years of living like this with your wishes not being considered and him getting increasingly moany and stressed and the bitterness will start to set in. You may even end up hating him. Life is too short to live someone else's choice of life but not your own.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 14/05/2023 13:49

Don't let your life slip by without giving your dreams & hopes a chance.
Don't let your husband be the reason you never fulfil your potential.

Mirabai · 14/05/2023 13:49

It sounds to me like you’re someone who needs to believe they’re with their soul mate. It doesn’t sound like a terrible relationship but it’s quite a squashed one, and the squash is all on your side. You don’t argue because you never stand up to him.

It’s terribly sad that he persuaded you not to go for your dream job. I do hope that opportunity will come around again.

Some type counselling might help to learn to be more assertive.

You need to sit him down and tell him your lifestyle isn’t working for you and you want to move, but this time don’t take no for an answer.

Ladybug14 · 14/05/2023 13:50

Speechless 🤣

He's definitely NOT your soul mate

He is a controlling man who likes things his way and gets things his way

Thank god I'm single

Therealjudgejudy · 14/05/2023 13:51

He is NOT your soul mate.

He is the boss of you.

Your relationship sounds miserable

Topee · 14/05/2023 13:51

I think you see your marriage as a good one because you have been with him since you were young and have nothing to compare it to.

This is really not what a supportive and loving relationship looks like.

Mirabai · 14/05/2023 13:51

Your DH isn’t risk averse if he insists on living in a house you can’t really afford. It’s just that he wants to control what risks are taken. Not one that may benefit you.

YukoandHiro · 14/05/2023 13:55

" I come from it is encouraged to have 3+ children and the goverment supports financially families and pays mums salary they got at work until youngest child is 3"

I mean, yes, if we had this far more of us would be up for 3+. We simply cannot afford it and we start late due to extremely high housing costs etc, which means many of us simply age out of 3+ too.

Thesharkradar · 14/05/2023 13:55

He likes being in control of things, and you are complicit in all this by obeying him.

YukoandHiro · 14/05/2023 13:56

JMSA · 14/05/2023 12:35

Unless you're clever and careful about it, marriage and kids really can fuck up a woman's life. I've read so many posts on here that all say the same thing!
Sorry OP, that is absolutely not a dig against you or your life. I can relate to everything you have said. It's just so incredibly frustrating when someone is moany yet doesn't want to change!
One thing though: the changes you suggest do seem fairly impractical and a bit extreme. Do you have date nights, weekends away, time to pursue your own hobbies, etc? I'd maybe start with that before the bigger stuff.

You're not wrong.

Having said that, I have very successful single child free friends who feel a great sadness at never having had the chance to be a parent.

Whatever we do, we're basically fucked. Either financially or emotionally. It's our perverse misogynist culture that is responsible on both sides.

Zone2NorthLondon · 14/05/2023 13:56

Career Dreams are lovely,but need to be reality checked. Does it work financially,practically,location,schools,impact upon the kids,what’s the
upheaval etc?

By no means am I saying don’t I’m just saying sit down,work it out on paper pragmatically

Reading the thread It appears he gets the unitary decisive vote,do you consciously defer to him? Or are you avoiding potential conflict?

Regard the 3rd child, that has to be both parents agree or it doesn’t happen. An unplanned or unwanted child will strain the most robust relationship.

Going forward how do you find your voice and get to assert yourself.

Zone2NorthLondon · 14/05/2023 13:58

Topee · 14/05/2023 13:51

I think you see your marriage as a good one because you have been with him since you were young and have nothing to compare it to.

This is really not what a supportive and loving relationship looks like.

yes, agree that’s a well made and significant point

YukoandHiro · 14/05/2023 13:58

Also massively agree with @Natty13.

My mum has a narrative about her life which bears no relation to the reality which is that at every point she made choices to just follow my father and not rock the boat.

LuckySantangelo35 · 14/05/2023 14:01

Alargeoneplease89 · 14/05/2023 13:40

As in you can romance the other side but reality would be totally different. Everyone thinks the opposite of their life would be fantastic but if they had it, they would wish for the opposite.

Example: MIL wishes she never had children and travelled the world, if she had that life she would wish she settled down and had a family because she would be lonely.

Show quote history

@Alargeoneplease89

“Example: MIL wishes she never had children and travelled the world, if she had that life she would wish she settled down and had a family because she would be lonely.”

not necessarily…

BumpyaDaisyevna · 14/05/2023 14:02

I think you've never had an argument because you never assert your own needs. Once a decision is made (not the one you wanted) you don't raise it again and your DH never has to compromise. He is risk averse and so you as a family are risk averse - regardless of the fact that you might be more comfortable with risk.

I think it keeps things calm and "managed" but it comes at a cost - your selfhood. And you are getting older and it is more and more difficult to ignore the person you actually are.

Mirabai · 14/05/2023 14:05

BumpyaDaisyevna · 14/05/2023 14:02

I think you've never had an argument because you never assert your own needs. Once a decision is made (not the one you wanted) you don't raise it again and your DH never has to compromise. He is risk averse and so you as a family are risk averse - regardless of the fact that you might be more comfortable with risk.

I think it keeps things calm and "managed" but it comes at a cost - your selfhood. And you are getting older and it is more and more difficult to ignore the person you actually are.

He’s not risk averse as they’re living in a house they can’t afford, but the risks are the ones he wants to take.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/05/2023 14:07

SadAboutItToday · 14/05/2023 13:16

I am listening :)

Actually this thread has been v helpful for me. I think I've had my head in the sand for a long time. I really thought people would say 'oh yes, I have those dreams, but this is what everyone experiences OP, just crack on'. That would have validated that I need to just get on with it and stop dreaming!!

He's really not all bad, I do love him and he is a kind man. I think I've made him sound worse than he is. But yes, I agree that he also is on to a good thing here and is able to have it all while I have little. I need to think. I don't want things to continue as they are, but equally I do not want our family unit to change. We r a close team and I will not split from him. I will however work on being more assertive. And I am going to try and have a sit down conversation with him where I say what I need. Which I hope goes ok. It probably will just end in me agreeing to continue as we are. But it's a start ..

Show quote history

He's really not all bad, I do love him and he is a kind man.

Sure, he's 'kind'. If you define kindness as 'he doesn't hit me or swear at me'. But I don't consider it 'kind' to completely disregard my partner's wants and needs and to insist on always getting my way. I consider it selfish and unkind.

I don't want things to continue as they are, but equally I do not want our family unit to change....I do not want our family unit to change. We r a close team and I will not split from him

You can't have your cake and eat it too. Or rather, you can't NOT have your cake and NOT eat it too. Why do you think he's going to change when he hasn't so far. Why should he (in his mind) give up his 'perfect life' for a life where he doesn't get things his way all the time. Who would do that 'voluntarily'? Not many.

If you won't consider 'changing your family unit' then you may as well just give up right now. Because refusing to consider it means you have absolutely nothing to 'bargain' with. You: 'DH please change', DH: 'Why should I? What will you do if I don't?', You: 'Uh, well, um actually, nothing', DH: 'OK then, I'm not changing'.

I will however work on being more assertive.

Assertiveness by itself means nothing. You can 'say what you need', but if that's all you're doing, you'll get nowhere (see my imaginary convo above).

And I am going to try and have a sit down conversation with him where I say what I need. Which I hope goes ok. It probably will just end in me agreeing to continue as we are. But it's a start ..

You've already decided the outcome, haven't you? You knuckling under. So no, it's not 'a start'. It's an exercise in futility. He's not going to suddenly say "Oh my God, now I see the light!!! How wrong I have been" simply because you say "I want these things". Damascene conversions are rarer than hen's teeth'. You've been saying the things you want for years and he's always shot you down. Until and unless you make changes in your life regardless of what he says, nothing will change.

Original poster
SadAboutItToday · 14/05/2023 14:08

PinkyFlamingo · 14/05/2023 13:35

Whose choice has it been not to have a night away from the kids in 11 years?

Mine

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 14/05/2023 14:08

SadAboutItToday · 14/05/2023 14:08

Mine

Show quote history

@SadAboutItToday

why?!

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 14/05/2023 14:11

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 14/05/2023 13:38

I think a bit of context is needed. He could be being unpleasant and controlling or he could be the voice of reason.
Ie the career change, was it something that would need a degree and therefore expense and no income for three years and you can’t afford it.
Moving, there are a lot of posts on here about people saying they are considering moving to really deprived corners of Lincolnshire or County Durham for cheap housing and clearly don’t realise quite how grim some of these places are.

This. What would the career change have entailed? Would it have been a big drop in financies or would you have needed to study for it?
And with moving, would that have affected his job?

TheyAreMyBhunasPete · 14/05/2023 14:12

I don't know... I wonder whether your husband is the one making the sensible decisions and you are thinking with your heart.

You are both oh so tired... but you want more children. How will that help?

You have mounting bills.... but you want a job with less money. How will that help your financial situation? Ok maybe by moving but that's not exactly something to be taken lightly.

You dream of moving abroad on a less paid job without a care in the world living by the beach with the children... how many single mothers or even 2 parent households on low wages living a dream life by the beach do you know? Because the only ones I know are working their arses off to pay the bills.

I feel like everyone is calling your husband controlling when in reality it feels like you aren't thinking your desires through

YukoandHiro · 14/05/2023 14:13

SadAboutItToday · 14/05/2023 12:41

I love him because he's someone I can be myself around. He gives good hugs. We can sit in silence (not that there's time!) and I feel comfortable. We've been together nearly 20 years (I'm mid 40s) and have two children and have pretty much never had an argument. We just slot together well. He's a rock and a good dad.

I don't know, maybe I'm having a mid life crisis! But I am so bored with life. It's so hard. I work myself to the ground and am so tired. I really want to make some changes! But DH thinks the house is perfect (it's too big, too expensive, we can't afford it! It needs loads of work we can't afford), near good schools (this is true) and that if we moved things would be the same (but I disagree. We could get a house the same size for half the price in another part of the country (or world!!) and there are other good schools around! and if our mortgage was halved, I wouldn't have to work so hard, nor would he and we could have more family time! Plus we are a long way from my DCs extra curricular activities and I spend almost every day driving them all over the place to this activity or that. If we were sensible we could move somewhere with the relevant clubs within walking distance, or short drive, and that would make a massive difference!)

RE: the house. I'm guessing you live in London or SE and you can work anywhere. Where can your Dh work? Is your request to move locations a cap on his aspiration?

Why not move to a smaller and more modern house in your area to release equity?

Ellie56 · 14/05/2023 14:14

@SadAboutItToday

He's not your soulmate.

If he was your soulmate he would have supported you in your lifelong dream. It says something that your brother was really supportive and behind you, but your so called "D" H was not.

If he was your soulmate he would listen to you and value what you have to say.

If he was your soulmate he would realise you are stressed out and unhappy and want to do something about it.

Take the rose tinted glasses off and you will see him for what he really is - a selfish arsehole who only wants to do what he wants to do, and expects you to fall in with what he wants, with no consideration for you at all. And then has the cheek to moan!

It's not up to him to decide that you carry on working yourself into the ground, making all the sacrifices and doing all the work, while getting increasingly stressed out about all the jobs that need doing in the house.

Your views and feelings are just as valid and important as his are and even more so when they are impacting mostly on you! Quite frankly if you carry on as you are doing, you will end up making yourself ill.

I would start by making it very clear you cannot continue as you are, and that changes need to be made. From this week you will be looking for a job that is less stressful and allows you more time with the family, so you also need to be thinking about either downsizing or moving to a cheaper area.

If he tries to talk you out of it, just use the Broken Record Technique and keep reiterating what you have said.

"I can't carry on like this. I can't carry on like this. I can't carry on like this..." ad infinitum until he gets the message.

Squiblet · 14/05/2023 14:15

I don't understand all these posters astonished that OP and her DH have never had a night together away from their two kids.

If you don't have family in your country (as so many people don't), it's basically impossible while they're young - you could hardly pay a babysitter to stay all night, and it would be like winning the lottery if you managed to arrange two separate playdate sleepovers on the same night.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 14/05/2023 14:15

Bloopsie · 14/05/2023 12:34

Why is it in the UK 3 kids is a lot,1 or 2 is bare Minimum and a sure way to your culture dieing out. 3 is minimum one to replace each parent plus third in case of an accident,not having children etc. Where I come from it is encouraged to have 3+ children and the goverment supports financially families and pays mums salary they got at work until youngest child is 3, 7+ children are considered large families and are celebrated- the goverment sends them thank you letters etc

OP, stop giving in to your husband its your life as well :)

Show quote history

We only get child benefit payments from the state for the first two children. So our government has said that three kids is a lot.

Swipe left for the next trending thread