Huge argument with DH. AIBU?

[SquashAndSqueeeze]

DH and I have been married for over 10 years, together for around 15. We have two children.

Ons issue that we have had, over these years, is the way DH talks to me when he is upset. He goes into fight mode and will speak in a way that I find aggressive. And I absolutely won’t accept that, although maybe the fact we are still married says different.

DH is usually a really lovely guy. Life and soul of the party, charismatic, friendly, confident. However, if I ever take issue with anything he does or has done, he blows ups

DH also does loads of work around the house whilst also working full time. I work part time whilst studying. I also have a medical condition that is causing extreme fatigue and I am receiving treatment soon that should treat this issue, however I have been pretty useless these last months because I have 0 energy. The qualification I’m studying for is demanding and I’m trying to do this to better our future.

The reason DH and I have fallen out is once again, because of how he speaks to me. However, he has said that he is fed up of feeling like he isn’t valued in our family. He does work hard to provide for us, and he does lots of housework, more than me. What has annoyed him is that yesterday, he did a lot of work round the house and left a pile of things on our bed that he asked if I could sort. I was studying at the time, but said okay. However, my sister called who I have not spoken to in months and I answered the call. DH then got annoyed that I hadn’t cleared the bed. Okay, maybe I was in the wrong here, but he now says that the majority of the time he asks me to do something, I don’t do it. I can’t explain how hectic my life has been lately. The job I do, although part time, is really demanding. The qualification requires around 20 hours of study a week. The kids are still at an age where they need lots of support. I organise all of their clubs and activities and then write a schedule for DH and I for pick ups/drop offs. I buy their clothes and any other things they need. When they go to parties, I sort the presents, I organise their birthday parties. I organise our holidays, and book any weekend activities. I organise play dates etc. All of these things mount up and on top of everything else I have to do for work and Uni, I have very little time left. For example, I can’t remember the last time I watched TV.

DH is saying all of these things about me not pulling my weight, as if it excuses the way he speaks to me. A few weeks ago, he slept in the spare room. I can’t even remember what the disagreement was that caused this, but when our 8 year old daughter woke up, she was concerned by this and asked her dad why he was there. He told her “don’t worry about it, it’s not for you to worry about”. DD was clearly more worried after this reply. I took her to one side and said that mummy had been snoring and that’s why daddy went through there. I don’t feel it’s right to put adult issues onto the children.

I just don’t know what to do. I have suggested counselling and he says it’s not for him. I’ve suggested he tries mindfulness but he won’t. I know I’m not perfect but I do want to bring our children up in a happy home, and I don’t feel we are able to do that. Maybe it’s me that’s causing all this? I just can’t see the wood for the trees at the moment.

He was completely wrong for being aggressive. It creates an unpleasant atmosphere and is not needed.

But I do hate it when I ask my husband and teens to do things and they say yes, but then do not do it. I find it incredibly irritating, especially when it happens time and time again. Maybe just be more clear if you can’t do something or say that you will do it, but later.

However, his manner sounds downright unpleasant, and I’m not sure I could tolerate that.

Even if he was right, being rights isn’t a free pass to be a c*. Make him understand that.

Can you take some of the load off him by having a cleaner ?
I also find it irritating when I ask someone to do something, but I end up doing it myself, on top of everything else.
He needs to learn how to get his point across without becoming angry, but I understand that by the time he says what he’s thinking, he’s really pissed off.

Can you take some of the load off him by having a cleaner ?

Ive been suggesting a cleaner for ages but he doesn’t like the idea of a cleaner. He thinks it’s a waste of money when we can do it ourselves.

Mindfulness and counseling is 100% the wrong approach, he's burnt out and sounds like you are, too, that's the real issue. Is now really the best time to finish your qualification?

I have to finish my qualification now due to time restrictions on it. We have always had an issue with his anger and how he talks to me. This isn’t new. I’ve suggested couples counselling for years.

I don’t know - it’s hard to say. How is he aggressive? Is he shouting or swearing? Just trying to understand what the behaviour actually is.

There’s no excuse for the aggressiveness and the hostility.

It does however sound like he is doing more than his fair share and I can understand why he’d be very annoyed that you don’t do the little things he asks of you. I know for a fact that my DH would have answered the phone and said give me 10 minutes I’ll call you back, done the jobs and then called back.

We tend to prioritise what’s going on in our household over other things, obviously had it been an emergency that would have been different though.

Can you have a discussion with DH and see if he thinks you can share the load more fairly? Is there more than he wants/thinks you’re capable of doing?

He will grit his teeth and raise his voice, pointing at me as he speaks. It’s the fact that if he does something that upsets me, that’s the response I’d get if I raise it with him. He is so defensive and fundamentally believes he is never in the wrong.

Also, his idea that I don’t do the things he asks me to is not realistic. I normally do and yesterday I did clear the bed, just not at the time he wanted me to. I’m also physically exhausted. Putting one foot in front of the other is effort at the moment. Despite this, I’m still on the go non stop every day. I’m really struggling. Then being spoken to like dirt on top of that.

So you have a DH problem, he’s not going to change is he ?

There's no excuse for how he talks to you. However he sounds burnt out.

Do you need to finish your qualification now or can you take a break?

Surely there's not that much to do making a schedule of pick ups? Once a term and check on a Sunday for the incoming week? Same with presents - just Amazon them or pick a few up at a time and have a presents box, or stick a fiver or a tenner in a card?

Could you not have put your sister on speaker and talked to her while you cleared the bed?

He says that me not being the best at clearing up round the house is negatively impacting the kids just as much as how he talks to me. That’s delusional in my opinion. We don’t have a messy house, just the usual lived in family home. He thinks this because DD will leave her clothes wherever she takes them off. I’m sure she’s not the only child who does that. Yet last night, after DH being pretty unpleasant, DD asked me if we were going to split up, and seemed worried. The two are incomparable.

Sounds like you are taking on all the mental load as well as your allocated chores.

The real issue is how he speaks to you - no matter how tired he is this is not acceptable - especially since your DC will be modelling future relationships on yours.

Also if you're really tired I'd cut right back on the weekend activities.

I've had a busy weekend this weekend and I feel exhausted.

Maybe he feels like you're a bit like another child in how he's having to always asking you to do things.

OP it's not your fault if that's the case, you have a chronic illness that is wiping you out and makes it hard to get things done, but if it means he's having too big a load, he's going to wipe out and burn out, and sounds like that's the point your relationships at.

Is he supportive over your course? And treatment of your illness?

Surely there's not that much to do making a schedule of pick ups? Once a term and check on a Sunday for the incoming week? Same with presents - just Amazon them or pick a few up at a time and have a presents box, or stick a fiver or a tenner in a card?

The activity schedule changes weekly here and is a logistical nightmare, so a lot more involved in that than you would expect. These are just some of the things I do that he doesn’t consider. I also deal with all our finances etc. I could go on listing things but I don’t want to make this tit for tat, I just want to illustrate that I do a lot for the kids, on top of work and study commitments.

especially since your DC will be modelling future relationships on yours. This is my biggest worry.

I dunno, there’s times my husband will make a massive issue out of ‘my tone’ because I’m being short with him but the other side of that is that I’ve asked him to do a really basic task multiple times and he has had time to do other things (like chat on the phone) but hasn’t done it. If I hadn’t had to ask him like 6 times and then in the end probably do it myself so I actually think it’s controlling and gaslighting to complain about someone’s tone when you’re actually the one in the wrong.

It sounds like he is under a lot of pressure, he works full time and does most things around the home. He did all the laundry or tidied up your things from around the home and all you had to do was sort the pile of your own things out on the bed. It wasn’t either or, you could have done it while on the phone to your sister! That’s not really a reason and imo it shows a lack of respect.

Maybe DD the worry around DD asking if you are going to be split up is actually worry that she has for you or her when DH is being aggressive. I am sure she will want DH to stop it.

Incidentally, if DD is 8 then she is old enough to know to leave her clothes wherever she takes them off and it is worth kindly reminding her to put them away in future. The sooner she learns this habit, the better for every one, as the longer she leaves it, the harder she will find it to learn (and the bigger the items she leaves lying around)..

It doesn't matter whether the items on the bed get put away immediately or later that day.

No, of course I don't think he should speak to you this way.

after DH being pretty unpleasant, DD asked me if we were going to split up, and seemed worried.

It's clearly starting to affect your kids and cause them worry. Yanbu and your daughter will think this is normal if it carries on

Yesterday our youngest child was playing with a rock they found outside when she went mmmmmmwah and kissed the rock for a joke. DH hit the roof about how disgusting that was. It was a completely disproportionate reaction and our DC was upset by this. I’d have understood if he’d have explained it might be best not to do that, but honestly, the reaction was just so extreme. I did feel I needed to intervene because it wasn’t really fair to our child to let her think she’d done something awful. DH says he has no confidence as a parent because I step in at times. But to be honest, I only do this when he’s been completely irrational. I hate doing it and try to never get involved, but there’s a line!

Incidentally, if DD is 8 then she is old enough to know to leave her clothes wherever she takes them off and it is worth kindly reminding her to put them away in future. The sooner she learns this habit, the better for every one, as the longer she leaves it, the harder she will find it to learn (and the bigger the items she leaves lying around).. this is my approach, whereas DH gets absolutely exacerbated by it.

I meant old enough to know NOT to leave her clothes wherever she takes them off ...

The more you describe, the worse he sounds and if he's also being agressive with the kids that's even worse. His behaviour verges on abusive IMO