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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Huge argument with DH. AIBU?

189 replies

SquashAndSqueeeze · 14/05/2023 07:11

DH and I have been married for over 10 years, together for around 15. We have two children.

Ons issue that we have had, over these years, is the way DH talks to me when he is upset. He goes into fight mode and will speak in a way that I find aggressive. And I absolutely won’t accept that, although maybe the fact we are still married says different.

DH is usually a really lovely guy. Life and soul of the party, charismatic, friendly, confident. However, if I ever take issue with anything he does or has done, he blows ups

DH also does loads of work around the house whilst also working full time. I work part time whilst studying. I also have a medical condition that is causing extreme fatigue and I am receiving treatment soon that should treat this issue, however I have been pretty useless these last months because I have 0 energy. The qualification I’m studying for is demanding and I’m trying to do this to better our future.

The reason DH and I have fallen out is once again, because of how he speaks to me. However, he has said that he is fed up of feeling like he isn’t valued in our family. He does work hard to provide for us, and he does lots of housework, more than me. What has annoyed him is that yesterday, he did a lot of work round the house and left a pile of things on our bed that he asked if I could sort. I was studying at the time, but said okay. However, my sister called who I have not spoken to in months and I answered the call. DH then got annoyed that I hadn’t cleared the bed. Okay, maybe I was in the wrong here, but he now says that the majority of the time he asks me to do something, I don’t do it. I can’t explain how hectic my life has been lately. The job I do, although part time, is really demanding. The qualification requires around 20 hours of study a week. The kids are still at an age where they need lots of support. I organise all of their clubs and activities and then write a schedule for DH and I for pick ups/drop offs. I buy their clothes and any other things they need. When they go to parties, I sort the presents, I organise their birthday parties. I organise our holidays, and book any weekend activities. I organise play dates etc. All of these things mount up and on top of everything else I have to do for work and Uni, I have very little time left. For example, I can’t remember the last time I watched TV.

DH is saying all of these things about me not pulling my weight, as if it excuses the way he speaks to me. A few weeks ago, he slept in the spare room. I can’t even remember what the disagreement was that caused this, but when our 8 year old daughter woke up, she was concerned by this and asked her dad why he was there. He told her “don’t worry about it, it’s not for you to worry about”. DD was clearly more worried after this reply. I took her to one side and said that mummy had been snoring and that’s why daddy went through there. I don’t feel it’s right to put adult issues onto the children.

I just don’t know what to do. I have suggested counselling and he says it’s not for him. I’ve suggested he tries mindfulness but he won’t. I know I’m not perfect but I do want to bring our children up in a happy home, and I don’t feel we are able to do that. Maybe it’s me that’s causing all this? I just can’t see the wood for the trees at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
SquashAndSqueeeze · 14/05/2023 07:47

It wasn’t either or, you could have done it while on the phone to your sister! That’s not really a reason and imo it shows a lack of respect.

i was working on my laptop whilst on the phone. We then had to go out to take the kids to an activity. I cleared the pile from the bed (children’s things) once I got back home.

OP posts:
Bathroomlove · 14/05/2023 07:47

@SquashAndSqueeeze

in your situation I would say 'we need to talk' & arrange for DD to go out for the day/overnight.

tell him you appreciate all he does do, however, you are a) fed up of him not appreciating all that you do, do. & b) he's not your boss to allocate you jobs to do & dictate when they will be done.

and even more importantly you will not be spoken to like that. That stops now or you'll be looking at a divorce because YOU are worth more than that and so does DD.

I think it's difficult for other people to understand what it feels like to be SO exhausted, I know I didn't understand before I felt that way myself and just thought things like 'oh ok, come on, just get on with it' because until you feel the way you do, 'exhausted' is just really tired & you can push through, so why can't they.

I think he doesn't understand how you feel & he has no idea/appreciation for all that you do do! And mental load. Keeping the wheels spinning is under rated.

if you don't mind saying, I'd love to know what treatment you're waiting for.

ShimmeringShirts · 14/05/2023 07:47

I don’t think it’s ok to opt out of housework or helping with family life just because you’re studying. Maybe pull your finger out and start pitching in at home, organising activities requires no more than 5 mins on your phone so not sure why that’s an excuse.

Original poster
SquashAndSqueeeze · 14/05/2023 07:52

Just to clarify. I do do jobs at home. I clean, I cook, all the usual. I just don’t have time for the full house clean and have told DH we need a cleaner but he has said no and that he will take that on. I don’t want him to, but he is adamant.

organising activities requires no more than 5 mins on your phone so not sure why that’s an excuse. This is also not true. We are not UK based and are in a unique situation which makes these types of basic tasks more complex.

OP posts:
MiIIiex · 14/05/2023 07:56

You are both on different pages with your illness. You are not doing things around the house because of it, and he is using that against you. So the first thing is to be on the same page. You both have different views of it at the moment.

And secondly, yeah he could fuck off speaking to you like that. If he refuses to change I don't think I could stay with him.

Bluetrews25 · 14/05/2023 07:56

To summarise as I have read it, apologies if I've got bits wrong

DH - works, majority housework, always been angry and spoken to OP nastily, over-reacts to children and OP
OP - works, studying, health condition, some housework, all mental load and planning, ferrying DCs around

Why are poeple sympathising with DH and asking if he's burnt out? OP is probably doing more and not being unpleasant to everyone while she's doing it!

OP, how would you feel if DH just wasn't there any more?
Relieved?

loislovesstewie · 14/05/2023 08:00

Actually you both sound exhausted and burnt out. Your DH shouldn't be pointing at you and raising his voice, I wouldn't want that either. You seem to have different attitudes about how/when to do things around the home too. Is he a perfectionist? Does he get cross if things aren't just so? Why won't he have a cleaner? Do you have money worries?
Really you need to talk, he needs to understand that he can't talk to you aggressively and that speaking to anyone in a kind fashion tends to get better results. And for goodness sake, get a cleaner!

DustyLee123 · 14/05/2023 08:01

Is there any chance he has OCD ?

Original poster
SquashAndSqueeeze · 14/05/2023 08:10

So what do I do? How do I move forward? I feel so confused and alone. I just want a happy family, something I wasn’t fortunate enough to have myself growing up. Our kids deserve it.

OP posts:
Reasonableadjustments · 14/05/2023 08:13

I really think you need to go to couples counselling

diddl · 14/05/2023 08:14

I hate it when other people doing jobs also makes work for me.

If that happens-don't expect it to be sorted on your timetable!

loislovesstewie · 14/05/2023 08:15

If he won't go to couples counselling then go by yourself.

Wallywobbles · 14/05/2023 08:20

It sounds like you have both reached breaking point. What can be outsourced? Can you try a cleaner see if it helps. Can you find a DIY person? Can you get food from Cook or one that delivers ingredients?
Can you video the way he talks to you?
Can you have individual counseling?

Postmanpatscatisfab · 14/05/2023 08:22

DustyLee123 · 14/05/2023 07:29

So you have a DH problem, he’s not going to change is he ?

We have always had an issue with his anger and how he talks to me. This isn’t new. I’ve suggested couples counselling for years.

I don't know what the answer is.

He can't see a problem/won't change and you don't like it. It looks like you're at an impasse.

Outofthepark · 14/05/2023 08:24

Agree about the impasse, OP what about a bit of time apart for you both to get some space?

Cloud9Super · 14/05/2023 08:24

Your DH sounds annoyed that his ingrained idea of a wife has not been fulfilled, ie you do not cook/clean/do all the menial household work. Well. Tough shit to him. He sounds to do about the same as I do, work full time and do loads around the house, the same as many working parents. Can’t quite see his issue to be honest. Get rid, he’s a bully and an aggressive one at that.

SussexLass87 · 14/05/2023 08:24

Having read your OP and subsequent posts, it honestly sounds like you want to leave him.

You've suggested solutions, that he won't agree to and have described quite a lot of unhappiness (yourself and your children) What do you think is the best way forward?

Kiwimommyinlondon · 14/05/2023 08:27

He sounds awful. And actually pretty abusive. Walking on eggshells is no way to live OP. You can do better.

PrinceHaz · 14/05/2023 08:27

He will be a nightmare dad to a teen girl if he’s this disproportionate to her for something fairly innocuous at just 8.
it doesn’t sound sustainable long term to be with an aggressive man, Couples counselling won’t help as it’s an issue within him. You aren’t causing it. And he will never ever be made to understand all the minutiae of the wife work you do.

Original poster
SquashAndSqueeeze · 14/05/2023 08:27

Agree about the impasse, OP what about a bit of time apart for you both to get some space?

I worry about the impact this will have on the kids. 😢 they really love their dad! I know the current situation isn’t what’s best for them either. 😢

OP posts:
Mindyourfingers · 14/05/2023 08:28

It’s stuff on the bed. Why is it worth getting so het up about (him, not you!)

I actually hate it when people do that: a job is done that creates a shit tonne of work and then they decide you have to finish it? Fine, but at a time convenient to YOU, surely?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/05/2023 08:28

I think you both sound like you need a break - away from work, studying and children - to just relax and catch up on sleep and re-connect as a couple.

Is there any way you can make that happen?

PrinceHaz · 14/05/2023 08:28

They can still love their dad whether you’re together or apart. But together, they’re having to see their mum walk on eggshells.

Vikingthings · 14/05/2023 08:36

It’s stuff on the bed. Why is it worth getting so het up about (him, not you!)

I actually totally understand why he got annoyed about this. I do about 85% of the housework and after spending ages doing it all, might leave a small pile of clothes for DH on the bed to put away (his own things). Very frequently it just gets put on the floor, picked up by me, put on the floor...it's infuriating because it's not a big job.

Everyone is busy but it really doesn't take much to do small jobs around the house especially when one person is doing most of the housework.

OP, you and your DH both sound burnt out. What the children is over hearing isn't ok but I wouldn't blame DH entirely for this (although he DOES need to learn to regulate). If you can afford a cleaner, I think it would solve a few arguments. If not, I think you should put small piles of things away if he asks you.
I don't think studying is an ok reason to opt out of this stuff IMO.

Reality25 · 14/05/2023 08:36

It's temporary hopefully.

Once you start pulling your weight more financially things will be better. Can insist on a cleaner etc.

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