Huge argument with DH. AIBU?

[SquashAndSqueeeze]

DH and I have been married for over 10 years, together for around 15. We have two children.

Ons issue that we have had, over these years, is the way DH talks to me when he is upset. He goes into fight mode and will speak in a way that I find aggressive. And I absolutely won’t accept that, although maybe the fact we are still married says different.

DH is usually a really lovely guy. Life and soul of the party, charismatic, friendly, confident. However, if I ever take issue with anything he does or has done, he blows ups

DH also does loads of work around the house whilst also working full time. I work part time whilst studying. I also have a medical condition that is causing extreme fatigue and I am receiving treatment soon that should treat this issue, however I have been pretty useless these last months because I have 0 energy. The qualification I’m studying for is demanding and I’m trying to do this to better our future.

The reason DH and I have fallen out is once again, because of how he speaks to me. However, he has said that he is fed up of feeling like he isn’t valued in our family. He does work hard to provide for us, and he does lots of housework, more than me. What has annoyed him is that yesterday, he did a lot of work round the house and left a pile of things on our bed that he asked if I could sort. I was studying at the time, but said okay. However, my sister called who I have not spoken to in months and I answered the call. DH then got annoyed that I hadn’t cleared the bed. Okay, maybe I was in the wrong here, but he now says that the majority of the time he asks me to do something, I don’t do it. I can’t explain how hectic my life has been lately. The job I do, although part time, is really demanding. The qualification requires around 20 hours of study a week. The kids are still at an age where they need lots of support. I organise all of their clubs and activities and then write a schedule for DH and I for pick ups/drop offs. I buy their clothes and any other things they need. When they go to parties, I sort the presents, I organise their birthday parties. I organise our holidays, and book any weekend activities. I organise play dates etc. All of these things mount up and on top of everything else I have to do for work and Uni, I have very little time left. For example, I can’t remember the last time I watched TV.

DH is saying all of these things about me not pulling my weight, as if it excuses the way he speaks to me. A few weeks ago, he slept in the spare room. I can’t even remember what the disagreement was that caused this, but when our 8 year old daughter woke up, she was concerned by this and asked her dad why he was there. He told her “don’t worry about it, it’s not for you to worry about”. DD was clearly more worried after this reply. I took her to one side and said that mummy had been snoring and that’s why daddy went through there. I don’t feel it’s right to put adult issues onto the children.

I just don’t know what to do. I have suggested counselling and he says it’s not for him. I’ve suggested he tries mindfulness but he won’t. I know I’m not perfect but I do want to bring our children up in a happy home, and I don’t feel we are able to do that. Maybe it’s me that’s causing all this? I just can’t see the wood for the trees at the moment.

Tbh I think it's odd and paternalistic that your DH tells you or asks you to do things that sound household things he could have done himself. He's not your manager or parent, that must be really wearing and undermining. Aggression in the home is horrible and v v damaging for children, even if there is no actual physical harm it's a horrible atmosphere. I'm sure you'd be happier away from him.

Insist on a cleaner, if he refuses explain you'd like to discuss living in separate households as you are feeling upset and anxious about the effect your health condition is having on him and maybe he'd be better in his own, organised space.

I'm with you on this @SquashAndSqueeeze - DH will take the clean washing upstairs and leave on the bed for me to sort out. I'll do it, but when I'm free to do it. I'm not someone my DH needs to manage - he's not my boss and I'm not his employee.

Sounds like your DH needs anger management.

I also think he needs to see what you do too, the mental load isn’t often visible.

Your 8yoDD is old enough to do quite a bit around the house. Mine can strip her bed, put clothes away, hoover up, dust and at 9 is learning how to use the washing machine.
I think routines for everyone could be very useful.

I dunno. Why not grit your teeth and shout back, as long as the kids are out of earshot? Tell him you're getting a cleaner whether he likes it or not, because you can't cope. Stop letting him boss you around.

I think in this particular situation it was unreasonable to not do the fairly small but important to your husband job that he asked you to do, because you were on the phone. It's extremely easy for most people to just switch to hands-free to continue a call during an activity, or you could have said to him that you'd do it after your work and the planned activity, so that he knew you recognised the job mattered to him and would get done.

In the wider context though, YANBU! You're clearly doing a lot for your family and doing it despite your health challenges. Studying, working, parenting, maintaining a habitable home... How many of us can honestly claim that doesn't feel like we're juggling a lot of balls, at least some of the time? And you're doing that while also managing a chronic health problem.

I think it sounds like both you and your husband need to review how things are actually divided up between you. In your first post, for example, you didn't mention half the stuff you're actually doing, so if you aren't recognising it, is he? Things don't have to be entirely 50:50 in every area but there should be an overall equity. Sometimes one person needs to do more for a while, and that's just part of working as a team, but there should still be a sense of an equal partnership. It sounds like the two of you aren't really feeling that at the moment.

He does sound very controlling. He clearly can’t cope with anything “messy” and sees you as more mess. The rock thing is ridiculous for instance. Good for immunity to get dirty as a child.
Whatever the rights and wrongs of the incidents, you are unhappy and he is defensive and aggressive whenever you have your own opinion. That is the crux of it, and if he continues then you will stop having any love for him. He needs to think about how he speaks to you - what would he do if challenged or criticised by a senior or colleague at work for instance ? Would he shout and jab his finger then ?

He sounds intolerable! Things that bother HIM are somehow YOUR fault. Going off at the children for almost nothing … then having a pop at you for intervening. My DCs father was the same … aggressive and angry body language. Even if I did everything he felt I should be doing he would look for anything that I didn’t do. We tried couples therapy several times. And then we divorced. I know it’s not always easy to walk away but I’d be looking for behavioural changes or making alternate plans for the good of my DCs.

Whilst it's not nice to be snapped at I think considering the pressure you are both under it is understandable and acceptable. I often read stuff on here and wonder what sort of relationships couples have where no one ever raises their voice or points. It's not great, neither is say swearing but surely that's part of feeling secure enough to let your emotions out a bit. What about crying? Is that 'allowed'?
I think the issue is basically you have too much on. You're unwell and you're trying to juggle work family and studying. lm assuming your studies is something you took on when you were well. Did you have a discussion about how this would impact?
Just putting it out there but are you a bit less 'organised' than your OH? Are you now playing catch up with your studies because all the plans you had about doing Xhrs on Monday lunch, or writing out revision cards as you go along etc haven't materialised. Likewise when your husband is working away do you 'let things slide'? I'm not judging, I'm a bit that way myself but in day to day life I often feel as if I'm working hard but getting no where fast. When challenged about what I've been doing, I really can't answer. I've not been resting or lazing that's for sure!

Clearly you need to talk. I'd suggest waiting till kids are in bed and maybe you're studying. If you're 'overwhelmed' tell your husband. Ask him for ideas. Make him the project manager for the evening. Reiterrate that you do appreciate all he does for the family. Mention your daughter's concerns. I might even say that when she asked if you were going to split up and you said no, that part of you wasn't sure. Promise each other you'll hang on in there till your studying is completed. Remember your wedding vows. Ghis is your 'for worse'. Did you both really mean it?
Ultimately your conversation is about agreeing you're both on the same side and you love each other enough to get through this.
Best of luck.

OP look you really need to give him an ultimatum, say it's either counselling or you divorce. Then see if he is willing to fight for your marriage. You can't go on like this. Tell him it's counselling or it's over.

DH is often on work trips
Hmmm

DH will go on holidays with friends once or twice a year.
Hmmm

Often contempt for a spouse and talking to them like they're shit is a symptom of an affair. The more I read, the more I think you'd be better off apart. It doesn't sound like you have much of a marriage anyway and you're basically apart a lot, often a solo parent, and he speaks to you like you're a bit of shit.

So he talks to the kids like shit as well? Staying for the kids is not really going to help them. If he refuses counselling then I think you've got no other option but to finish your course then try to separate. You would be doing this for the kids as well as yourself. It's his choice not yours as you have offered him help and he refuses.

@SquashAndSqueeeze

DH is usually a really lovely guy. Life and soul of the party, charismatic, friendly, confident.

But he isn’t, is he? Behind closed doors he’s a horrible bully while pretending to be the nice guy in social situations.
The dc may well love him, but what a horrible example they are being set of a loving relationship. Their bar will be low when they grow up.
Pointing at you while shouting? Who the fuck does he think he is? Get out if you can. The children will ultimately be better off without this wanker showing them how men behave.

Ops DH won't have a cleaner