Huge argument with DH. AIBU?

[SquashAndSqueeeze]

DH and I have been married for over 10 years, together for around 15. We have two children.

Ons issue that we have had, over these years, is the way DH talks to me when he is upset. He goes into fight mode and will speak in a way that I find aggressive. And I absolutely won’t accept that, although maybe the fact we are still married says different.

DH is usually a really lovely guy. Life and soul of the party, charismatic, friendly, confident. However, if I ever take issue with anything he does or has done, he blows ups

DH also does loads of work around the house whilst also working full time. I work part time whilst studying. I also have a medical condition that is causing extreme fatigue and I am receiving treatment soon that should treat this issue, however I have been pretty useless these last months because I have 0 energy. The qualification I’m studying for is demanding and I’m trying to do this to better our future.

The reason DH and I have fallen out is once again, because of how he speaks to me. However, he has said that he is fed up of feeling like he isn’t valued in our family. He does work hard to provide for us, and he does lots of housework, more than me. What has annoyed him is that yesterday, he did a lot of work round the house and left a pile of things on our bed that he asked if I could sort. I was studying at the time, but said okay. However, my sister called who I have not spoken to in months and I answered the call. DH then got annoyed that I hadn’t cleared the bed. Okay, maybe I was in the wrong here, but he now says that the majority of the time he asks me to do something, I don’t do it. I can’t explain how hectic my life has been lately. The job I do, although part time, is really demanding. The qualification requires around 20 hours of study a week. The kids are still at an age where they need lots of support. I organise all of their clubs and activities and then write a schedule for DH and I for pick ups/drop offs. I buy their clothes and any other things they need. When they go to parties, I sort the presents, I organise their birthday parties. I organise our holidays, and book any weekend activities. I organise play dates etc. All of these things mount up and on top of everything else I have to do for work and Uni, I have very little time left. For example, I can’t remember the last time I watched TV.

DH is saying all of these things about me not pulling my weight, as if it excuses the way he speaks to me. A few weeks ago, he slept in the spare room. I can’t even remember what the disagreement was that caused this, but when our 8 year old daughter woke up, she was concerned by this and asked her dad why he was there. He told her “don’t worry about it, it’s not for you to worry about”. DD was clearly more worried after this reply. I took her to one side and said that mummy had been snoring and that’s why daddy went through there. I don’t feel it’s right to put adult issues onto the children.

I just don’t know what to do. I have suggested counselling and he says it’s not for him. I’ve suggested he tries mindfulness but he won’t. I know I’m not perfect but I do want to bring our children up in a happy home, and I don’t feel we are able to do that. Maybe it’s me that’s causing all this? I just can’t see the wood for the trees at the moment.

I also think if this was written from a man's perspective (woman doing the cleaning etc, man not putting things away) nobody would side with the OP...just saying.

Maybe, but

He will grit his teeth and raise his voice, pointing at me as he speaks

is pretty intimidating from a grown man, in a way it isn’t from a woman (unless it’s done to a child.)

Either way, personally I don’t think things on a bed is worth getting children upset about, I really don’t. It can be frustrating if someone doesn’t do what they’re asked sure, but it doesn’t have a time limit, it won’t burn or get overgrown or whatever!

Agree with the bit about you both sound exhausted and burnt out. When one of you has a health condition that impacts what you’re able to do it’s tough on both of you. You need to talk and be kind to each other.

I also think if this was written from a man's perspective (woman doing the cleaning etc, man not putting things away) nobody would side with the OP...just saying.

but I did put the stuff away?? Just after i took the kids to their activity.

So if I was a man and I was working, studying and suffering from chronic fatigue and awaiting medical treatment, taking on the mental load with the kids, doing all their homework with them, organising everything for them, you would think it’s reasonable of the wife to get annoyed that a pile of miscellaneous stuff that had been gathered wasn’t put away immediately?

You would also think it’s okay or the wife to be aggressive towards the husband?

Your situation doesn’t sound particularly tenable at the moment and something will have to give. If you’re struggling with chronic fatigue you need to be careful of your own levels of activity and sensible with pacing. A cleaner sounds like a very sensible solution and he is being unreasonable to resist it. Can you drop down some of the children’s activities easily? I know you won’t want to but you might have to if you’re not coping.

How much longer is the qualification going to be? If it’s not that long, I’d try and push the cleaner as a trial while you complete the qualification and then re-evaluate everything you are both doing. You all sound stressed out and unhappy which the kids are picking up on.

your DH clearly has problem with communications. Yes, it was not good that you haven’t done clothes straight away but you were on the phone and did it later. I as it a matter of life and death? No but he felt as he was not heard. Also you both have got a lot going on and burnt out. In these circumstances he probably see the idea of counselling as a waste of precious time and another thing that needs to be organised whereas he hasn’t got headspace and time for this. He also sounds a bit of perfectionist in his ideas of parenting and family life. I know from your description he sounds more like an arsehole and you rightly fed up with him but I’m sure it’s not like this.

You need to talk but when DC are not here or at least in bed. And it seems you need to cut the list of activities / goals you are doing as a family.

but I did put the stuff away?? Just after i took the kids to their activity.

In your OP you said you didn't put it away as you were on the phone to your sister. This would irritate me personally as I think it's possible to chat on the phone whilst doing other things at the same time. You admitted you were in the wrong on this.

So if I was a man and I was working, studying and suffering from chronic fatigue and awaiting medical treatment, taking on the mental load with the kids, doing all their homework with them, organising everything for them, you would think it’s reasonable of the wife to get annoyed that a pile of miscellaneous stuff that had been gathered wasn’t put away immediately?

^ This is basically a description of my life and yes, I get annoyed when my husband doesn't put things away when I ask, I would usually expect it to be done that day unless it's a big job that is going to take a long time. How long did it take you to actually do it? If you did it within the day then fine but if it took ages then not really.

Your husband's way of speaking to you isn't fine and needs sorting out. He sounds unable to regulate his own emotions and that is for him to work on. He does also sound burnt out (you both do) and I think you should explore ways to reduce pressure on you both. Household tasks aren't worth arguing over.

A really useful thing I learned is that a lot of couples arguments hinge on justice/ injustice themes. So you think its unjust because.., he counters and says its more unjust for him etc.
He sounds extremely frustrated and although you are sick and do other things he does the majority of it.
Therefore when he asks you to do something, you agree and then dont do it thats probably quite maddening because it probably feels like you do not appreciate his effort. There is no excuse for his communication style but you would be better discussing why he is so frustrated and adressing that. A cleaner will rebalance some of your contribution and help you both. Communication is your problem though not cleaning.

But Op did put the things away-just not the minute he demanded it!

you admitted you were in the wrong on this

Its stuff on the bed, not a disciplinary at work

How about you both compromise on the cleaner? Put it to him you hire one whilst you’re studying, work it out between you both the hours and what you’d like her/him to do. A once a week spruce up, windows, hoovering, etc. or a monthly deep clean. Whatever. Also it’s a home, not a show home, homes get messy sometimes, show homes only stay looking perfect because no one actually lives in them.
Remind him he’s not the boss of you and your input is as important as his is. You’re both working hard

You find him aggressive and unreasonable and he's always been like this. You don't like the way he talks to your children and you intervene and feel he causes them to worry. He isn't wishing to talk about what is happening and what will help. I think you need to decide if this is how you want to live for the next x number of years and if it is good enough for your children. Sounds to me like you want to make an exit plan.

You say the kids love their Dad.

Of course they will, but it’s possible for children to love and fear their parents simultaneously.

Given his behaviours to them that you’ve described, they may feel they have to show they love him, or he’ll come gunning for them even more than he does already.

It's hard to say without being there but hitting the roof about seemingly small things like DD kissing a stone can be a sign of someone who's just utterly burned out.

Why didn't you put your phone on speakerphone and put the washing away at the same time? I have to say I'd be pretty pissed off if I'd spent a day tidying the house and DH spent hours talking on the phone and didn't do the 1 thing I'd asked for

Organising activities and holidays for your family isn’t you pulling your weight
it sounds like you barely do anything around the house and because he works so hard in a full-time job and has almost everything in the house. He is starting to feel quite resentful which I don’t blame him. To be honest. He probably forgets that you have a medical condition, but we are all human and nobody can be perfect all the time and it can be hard living with someone who doesn’t lift their fingers much Yes he blew up at you but really you should understand that cleaning and sorting out a whole house after working all day can be really stressful and I guess he’s just tired. No he shouldn’t have shouted at you for not clearing the bed. You are not his child however maybe try to find ways where you can pull your way a bit more
agree with him that you should do some tasks around the house, which you find easier to do such as putting clothes away doing the laundry or the washing up et cetera. That way he doesn’t have to feel so pressured to do everything.
get the kids to help as well .

This

You both sound unhappy. If you left him, would you manage on your own with all the housework by yourself and the studying and work with your health issues? There doesn't seem to be an easy solution.

With the aggression? The pointing gritting of the teeth? Going off at the kids? Naa bullshit would they

I thought a cleaner would change my life, and it really hasn’t.

I do have a much younger child than the OP, but the cleaner comes Friday morning. By Saturday things are ‘busy’ again and by Monday it’s reverted back to norm.

What does make a difference is time, but if you don’t have it, you don’t. I ended up with an unexpected afternoon off this week due to a last minute cancelled medical appointment. I pulled out all the furniture downstairs, swept, mopped and hoovered, really cleaned thoroughly. Looked amazing. If I had that time every week all would be well.

It could be the OP is just fundamentally lazy, but I have to say I don’t like other people deciding what I do. Either the stuff being out away is of crucial, paramount importance, so the person it is important to can do it themselves, or it is not, in which case it can wait until a good moment. The only exception to this is when it’s something someone genuinely can’t do and it really is urgent (the memory of half begging DH to do a food shop days after my EMCS are still fresh in my mind!) but while I did find that really infuriating it isn’t a reason for aggression.

You can tell the women that don't have a good guy like yours lol. My hubby exactly same absaloutely wonderful around the house helping with our 4 kids etc etc etc it was hardly unreasonable to be asked to put a small pile of washing away considering your saying yourself how much he does. Cmon I also have a medical condition on treatment for life since I had thyroid removed and some days its like hitting a brick wall of tired that never goes and I cant praise hubby enough for what he does to help. Funnily enough when we first got together I used to say why did he raise his voice if we disagreed on something. Now I know he actually doesn't even know he is doing it and actually it doesn't matter at all because he isnt nasty or swearing or anything at me when we disagree his voice just changes and that's him. Be grateful for what you have seriously you also have a very good man there. I'm always doing little things to show how much I appreciate hubby working and still doing a ton at home especially the days I'm struggling badly. We make a very good team and rarely disagree anyhow so it's all good.

OP does cook and clean as per her posts.

Pointing a finger at the OP isn't what a good man should do.

Your OP is about putting clothes away. But I'm not sure this is the real problem.

Your subsequent posts refer to aggression, finger pointing, shouting. Never backing down. Him justifying his unpleasantness by comparing it to a messy house.

You also have loads going on, so everyone is struggling.

It's a confusing picture tbh. Sounds like you need to have a chat at a calm moment. Not dwell on specific events, but plan a way forward. Do you want to be with him?

@Gardendad He sounds extremely frustrated and although you are sick and do other things he does the majority of it.

It doesn’t sound to me like he does the majority of it. It sounds equal.

Indeed it sounds less like an inequality/injustice pattern problem and more like an aggressive bellowing man problem. He’s also very controlling.

Most men with a sick wife who is also working, studying and carrying much of the mental load of the kids, including some domestic work, would agree to a cleaner at least in the short term to lighten the load for both.