Huge argument with DH. AIBU?

[SquashAndSqueeeze]

DH and I have been married for over 10 years, together for around 15. We have two children.

Ons issue that we have had, over these years, is the way DH talks to me when he is upset. He goes into fight mode and will speak in a way that I find aggressive. And I absolutely won’t accept that, although maybe the fact we are still married says different.

DH is usually a really lovely guy. Life and soul of the party, charismatic, friendly, confident. However, if I ever take issue with anything he does or has done, he blows ups

DH also does loads of work around the house whilst also working full time. I work part time whilst studying. I also have a medical condition that is causing extreme fatigue and I am receiving treatment soon that should treat this issue, however I have been pretty useless these last months because I have 0 energy. The qualification I’m studying for is demanding and I’m trying to do this to better our future.

The reason DH and I have fallen out is once again, because of how he speaks to me. However, he has said that he is fed up of feeling like he isn’t valued in our family. He does work hard to provide for us, and he does lots of housework, more than me. What has annoyed him is that yesterday, he did a lot of work round the house and left a pile of things on our bed that he asked if I could sort. I was studying at the time, but said okay. However, my sister called who I have not spoken to in months and I answered the call. DH then got annoyed that I hadn’t cleared the bed. Okay, maybe I was in the wrong here, but he now says that the majority of the time he asks me to do something, I don’t do it. I can’t explain how hectic my life has been lately. The job I do, although part time, is really demanding. The qualification requires around 20 hours of study a week. The kids are still at an age where they need lots of support. I organise all of their clubs and activities and then write a schedule for DH and I for pick ups/drop offs. I buy their clothes and any other things they need. When they go to parties, I sort the presents, I organise their birthday parties. I organise our holidays, and book any weekend activities. I organise play dates etc. All of these things mount up and on top of everything else I have to do for work and Uni, I have very little time left. For example, I can’t remember the last time I watched TV.

DH is saying all of these things about me not pulling my weight, as if it excuses the way he speaks to me. A few weeks ago, he slept in the spare room. I can’t even remember what the disagreement was that caused this, but when our 8 year old daughter woke up, she was concerned by this and asked her dad why he was there. He told her “don’t worry about it, it’s not for you to worry about”. DD was clearly more worried after this reply. I took her to one side and said that mummy had been snoring and that’s why daddy went through there. I don’t feel it’s right to put adult issues onto the children.

I just don’t know what to do. I have suggested counselling and he says it’s not for him. I’ve suggested he tries mindfulness but he won’t. I know I’m not perfect but I do want to bring our children up in a happy home, and I don’t feel we are able to do that. Maybe it’s me that’s causing all this? I just can’t see the wood for the trees at the moment.

So he asked you to do one thing and you didn't do it whilst he is doing jobs around the house and you took a call Instead? If this is the kind of thing you do, it would be very annoying. But that also doesn't mean he can talk to you like shit.
Tbh you actually sound incompatible.

Sounds hectic.
Can you cut stuff until you've finished your course and are feeling better?

Why shouldn't Op take a call & sort the stuff out afterwards?

Exactly. The real problem is DH’s personality. While OP says she will not accept being spoken to aggressively - the reality is that she does and has done for 15 years.

Your description of the way he speaks to you sounds very much like my ex, OP.

That's why he's my ex, and why I ended the marriage.

With the aggression? The pointing gritting of the teeth? Going off at the kids? Naa bullshit would they

"I need some advice handling some things at home.
Backstory: my DH has a chronic illness and is also studying, amongst other things, so I generally do most of the housework whilst also working a full time job. DH does take the children to their weekly activities too.

I do find keeping on top of all of the housework whilst working challenging. I'm usually tired and a bit overwhelmed myself, so I might ask DH to do small jobs such as put a pile of clothes away that are on the bed.

Yesterday I asked him to do this but I later found that he had taken a call from his DB instead and when I looked, the clothes were still where I left them. I'll admit I might not have spoken to him nicely about this but I'm just exhausted from all of the juggling.

I'm finding that I'm becoming less tolerant of the behaviour of my family, even when they do minor things I'm getting angry straight away. I'm probably burning out.

How do I speak to DH about how all of this is affecting me? I have my own communicational issues to work on but I don't know if I can do that if I'm tired all of the time and I'm becoming resentful"

...so, how would that thread go as a woman? This won't have been the only time OP didn't put something away, no offence OP.

There's two sides to every story, the DH (real DH) shouldn't be speaking to OP or the kids like he is but something needs to give so that he can work on his communication. If he didn't sound on the verge of burning out and was feeling hunky dory but still spoke to everyone like that, then it's an issue.

Temporary help to reduce the load on both (cleaner), possibly reducing the activities the kids do, whilst things balance back out. Then when everyone's buckets are less full, they can discuss the way they communicate and potentially seek help with this.

Why shouldn't Op take a call & sort the stuff out afterwards?

I’m wondering this. Does no one ever take a phone call if they have any outstanding jobs in their house? Also, is it essential to go on hands free and complete the job? Would no one have their conversation and then do the job later? Like literally never?? I chatted for 20 mins whilst still working on my laptop. I then took the kids to an activity, then came back and sorted the stuff on the bed. Some people believe this makes me an awful wife!

The children will fear you splitting up, but they will get over that when they see two parents happily comparenting.
Constantly living in fear or you arguing/tense atmosphere is not good for them, it may well produce anxiety, along with seeing your relationship as normal

Temporary help to reduce the load on both (cleaner),

DH won’t agree to this. And also, in your post you imply that his agression is because he is burnt out. He has always spoken to me like that.

Whilst I’m sure the root of this argument may have ‘blame’ on both sides, a life lived on eggshells is no life at all. I remember an ex being so similar you your DH and I have never felt as lonely as I did in that relationship. How people manifest anger is so important, and gritted teeth and explosive anger are horrible.

I think you need to emotionally start leaving. Be honest with DH and say you cannot live this way, or allow your children to live this way, and if he decides to accept some responsibility to improve things: great. If not, I honestly think you and your children could be happier without him. Good luck.

Backstory: my DH has a chronic illness and is also studying, amongst other things, so I generally do most of the housework whilst also working a full time job. DH does take the children to their weekly activities too.

OP is working PT, studying 20 hours pw, carries the mental load of the kids and their activities. She and DH share housework, although she reckons he does slightly more housework. On top of that OP is currently unwell.

PT job + 20 hours of study = equivalent to working FT, depending on the hours of the job.

It’s all in your posts OP. He has always been rude and aggressive and unfortunately you have always accepted it.

I’m unsure why his word on the cleaner is final - other than he’s controlling and you both seem to agree he has the upper hand.

Is she not doing jobs around the house? Or equivalent anyway? She cleans, she cooks, she organises everything for the dc. All the finances. It’s not at all clear that she doesn’t do half. She would have put away the things.
What if you said next time you talk to me like that I am hiring a cleaner. If you really don’t want one you will just have to not be nasty to your wife, let’s see if that’s possible for you.

DH won’t agree to this. And also, in your post you imply that his agression is because he is burnt out. He has always spoken to me like that.

Has your situation changed with life pressures over the years? Has he, or you, had other stuff going on before that might have filled your cups up a bit too much? Or even when things were as relaxed as they can be, did he still speak like that?

Ultimately OP if he has always spoken to you like it and you/him don't want to unpick what is going on or why that might be, then maybe you need to think about separating. You can't live on egg shells forever.

How do his family, or did his family, speak to him? I find so much of this stuff comes from how adults were spoken to as children and maybe he has his own issues to work through there. You don't have to be there for that if you don't want to, it depends if you want to stay with him or not. I guess that is the question. Where do you want to be?

You both sound defensive in the way you communicate to be honest. You are snapping back at posters who are offering mitigation for why your DH might be reacting as he does, so it's easy to imagine that's how you are IRL too.

This is something I and my DP struggle with. When we're both exhausted and overwhelmed by all our responsibilities, it can quickly descend into a competition of who is most the most put upon and we do end up talking to each other unkindly.

When was the last time you went out as a couple and had some fun?

I really think you are making out you do a lot more than you really do. I deal with our finances, I wouldn’t even register it as a task, it is what fifteen minutes online once a week? I have also undertaken study recently, a masters and there is no way I would use that as an excuse to not do housework either.

It sounds like he is fed up of doing everything and asking you to do very simple tasks like moving stuff off the bed and you won’t even do that.

@SquashAndSqueeeze , I think that it is the insistence (that is shared by some posters) not so much that the jobs need to be done, or that you mind doing them, but that they are not done there and then it is worthy of aggression that worries me.

I get some things have to be done within a certain time frame but this isn’t one of them.

My DH wouldn’t dream of being aggressive but I’ve had to tell him to cut it out before, as I work term time only. He used to work predominantly from home and on school holidays - on the ONLY couple of days every couple of months I had peace and quiet - he’d be in and out with this needs doing and that needs doing. I know and I will do it but when it suits me!

I think your husband does not consider what you do as the equivalent to his input and effort, when really looking at your posts it seems roughly in line but your husband doesn't think this.

Therefore he thinks he is entitled to give you tasks and react aggressively when not completed within his timeframe.

OP it's way worse for your kids living with this stress and tension in the house now, than it would be if you both spent some time apart.

Time apart can give relief, clarify things, make you both appreciate what each other does more, etc, or make clear you're happier apart. Co parenting can definitely work if the parents are openly civil, or even on good terms, and that will make the kids feel secure. It's just not a tenable situation at the moment and it needs a meaningful change. Stuff like a cleaner is just a temporary plaster, and the argument over the clothes on the bed was clearly over more than the clothes on the bed.

PLus Op is studying to benefit the whole family-not just for shits & giggles!

Although of course that would be OK if it had been agreed!

I get it. Quite often people like this might have a point, but they’d be far more effective if they speak with a normal tone rather than over reacting in the first instance.

OP,

You and your children are being abused by an angry, aggressive man.

I think your children are hugely aware of the toxicity of his behaviour and there will be long term consequences.

His anger and aggression towards you is a long term issue.

This is so bad for your children to be around.

Please call Womens aid for a chat.

You need to simplify the childrens activities to lighten your load.

You need to talk to your husband about time apart.

He can accuse you of what he likes.

Tell him his anger and aggression is scary for you and the children and you intend to seek support outside the family.

Talk to your GP.

He sounds like he is working hard and very resentful.

It can be hard when life is as busy as you describe BUT his anger has ALWAYS been an issue.

Far better that you live apart than your children grow up witnessing this atmosphere.

Reach out to family and friends for support.

Unfortunately the environment you describe can cause stress, anxiety, self harm and depression, substance abuse in teens.

This invariably becomes a life long burden.

Take this very seriously.

I'm so sorry that life is so hard for you.

I think you have too much on your plate. You work in a demanding job, studying, have a health condition, mum to young kids and are in a relationship with someone who doesn't seem to appreciate that. To me your health condition alone should be enough for you H to be kind let alone the other stuff.

Options:

• get a cleaner anyway and ignore his objections
• reduce your working hours
• take career break from work until your health has stabilised or you finish your study or both
• reduce the activities your kids do

Overall I think you need a conversation with H and try and get him to understand that you really do have a lot on your plate and that you both need to think about solutions or accept that the house will be a bit messy.

Why on earth would the OP want to have a night out with this guy? It doesn’t sound like ‘fun’ in any shape or form. A dinner out isn’t going to resolve his aggressive manner and fundamental lack of respect.

It's clear from your posts that you are not being lazy or messy, or failing to do a reasonable amount of housework, in spite of your health issues. It's also clear that your husband has pretty rigid 'my way or the highway' attitude towards household tasks (and is maybe a bit obsessive about cleanliness and hygiene, judging by his reaction to your dd and the rock).

Not only doesn't he seem to be able to consider the concept that his way isn't necessarily automatically the 'right' way, he is also very angry about it and has a long history of talking angrily and aggressively to you. This isn't ok at all, and I doubt he will change. This isn't something you should live with, or that your r dc should grow up seeing.