Huge argument with DH. AIBU?

[SquashAndSqueeeze]

DH and I have been married for over 10 years, together for around 15. We have two children.

Ons issue that we have had, over these years, is the way DH talks to me when he is upset. He goes into fight mode and will speak in a way that I find aggressive. And I absolutely won’t accept that, although maybe the fact we are still married says different.

DH is usually a really lovely guy. Life and soul of the party, charismatic, friendly, confident. However, if I ever take issue with anything he does or has done, he blows ups

DH also does loads of work around the house whilst also working full time. I work part time whilst studying. I also have a medical condition that is causing extreme fatigue and I am receiving treatment soon that should treat this issue, however I have been pretty useless these last months because I have 0 energy. The qualification I’m studying for is demanding and I’m trying to do this to better our future.

The reason DH and I have fallen out is once again, because of how he speaks to me. However, he has said that he is fed up of feeling like he isn’t valued in our family. He does work hard to provide for us, and he does lots of housework, more than me. What has annoyed him is that yesterday, he did a lot of work round the house and left a pile of things on our bed that he asked if I could sort. I was studying at the time, but said okay. However, my sister called who I have not spoken to in months and I answered the call. DH then got annoyed that I hadn’t cleared the bed. Okay, maybe I was in the wrong here, but he now says that the majority of the time he asks me to do something, I don’t do it. I can’t explain how hectic my life has been lately. The job I do, although part time, is really demanding. The qualification requires around 20 hours of study a week. The kids are still at an age where they need lots of support. I organise all of their clubs and activities and then write a schedule for DH and I for pick ups/drop offs. I buy their clothes and any other things they need. When they go to parties, I sort the presents, I organise their birthday parties. I organise our holidays, and book any weekend activities. I organise play dates etc. All of these things mount up and on top of everything else I have to do for work and Uni, I have very little time left. For example, I can’t remember the last time I watched TV.

DH is saying all of these things about me not pulling my weight, as if it excuses the way he speaks to me. A few weeks ago, he slept in the spare room. I can’t even remember what the disagreement was that caused this, but when our 8 year old daughter woke up, she was concerned by this and asked her dad why he was there. He told her “don’t worry about it, it’s not for you to worry about”. DD was clearly more worried after this reply. I took her to one side and said that mummy had been snoring and that’s why daddy went through there. I don’t feel it’s right to put adult issues onto the children.

I just don’t know what to do. I have suggested counselling and he says it’s not for him. I’ve suggested he tries mindfulness but he won’t. I know I’m not perfect but I do want to bring our children up in a happy home, and I don’t feel we are able to do that. Maybe it’s me that’s causing all this? I just can’t see the wood for the trees at the moment.

Film him shouting at the kids and at you. Show him what a cunt he looks.

What country are you in and what nationality are you all in relation to that?
Eg if you're in DH's Country that he's a citizen of and that is a middle Eastern country, advise will need to be different than if you're all only UK citizens living in Australia or Singapore for example.

He won't change. Your DD is worried as she can see things aren't good and she's worried about the unknown if you split. If you do split, she will probably be fine after a bit as she won't have her abusive dad around daily and your home would be conflict free.

This.

Urgh OP, he sounds like my abusive exH. Anything I did went unnoticed and nothing I did was ever good enough. He used work and being burnt out as an excuse for being a massive bellend. It became intolerable and the best thing I ever did for me and our DC was to end the marriage. It was a tough time, but life is so much better now, we live it on our terms with no big fucking 'look at me' idiot shouting at us through gritted teeth and pointed fingers about how shit we are compared to him. PRICK.

(p.s going out to work is FAR easier than being at home dealing with DC all day). Good luck to you girl.

100%

Wow! Really?

Your husband won't go for counselling but I really think you should.

It will help immensely to have an outside perspective (better than an MN one!)

I agree with this.

I'm my husband's carer, I do far more than my share of things because he just can't. It isn't his fault but sometimes it is really hard to be the "well" one and sometimes I'm not well but hey that's only temporary so doesn't really count. Childish as it might be there are days when it would be nice if someone asked how I was, how I was coping because it is hard.

The OPs husband sound totally worn down and something has to give. It is a shame he won't do counselling which ultimately would be more use than a cleaner although a cleaner would be a help.

You 'sort', 'organise', and 'schedule' things for the children, family and home.

Maybe he's just a little bit resentful that not only is he doing the physical work but he's being told when and how he'll do it as well. And you're response is to tell him to 'try mindfulness'.

If this was the other way around the chorus of "LTB" would be deafening.

There is no happy ever after here, because you can't fix a relationship on your own. There is no magic wand to wave.

And as you point out, by staying in the relationship, you are accepting the way he treats you.

He's refusing to change, and so your options are carry on accepting it, or leave.

You both sound exhausted, but your DH is choosing to use this as a stick to beat you with. If he was a woman he would be told her was being a 'martyr'. But he has the added element of being abusive/controlling and acting like he's your boss! Except if he was boss he wouldn't get away with such bullying and harrassment.

Your Dh looks at physically what he can see like a tidy house and how to keep it that way as “work.” What you do which doesn’t show in something you can point to and is really the mental load of keeping things running smoothly. Eg the finances, children, your studies, illness etc

Only guessing but what is his relationship like with his parents, his upbringing because he appears to have never learned appropriate responses when someone criticises him or doesn’t agree with him or when you won’t conform to his badly worded question
His response to any question over his behaviour or challenging him to think that he might have done anything even slightly wrong = Shout, fight, attack. .

There doesn’t seem to be an acknowledgement that he is ever in the wrong about anything.

He also needs to work on his communication and what he expects.
If he wanted the bed clearing in a certain amount of time then he should have asked could you clear the bed in the next 20 minutes/before you go out and then you could answer yes or no. Asking can you clear the bed means Can you clear the bed before we go to bed tonight.

I might be wrong but the only people I know who complain of how messy/dirty their home is and won’t entertain a cleaner and say they will do it all are the people who don’t think a cleaner will clean to their standards and if someone came into clean their home it would mean a loss of control They also are the ones to complain that they would have to clean everything again because the cleaner had done such a bad job.
If he wants to take on the job of cleaning then I would say he needs to stop asking you to do anything and then complaining when it isn’t done to his standard and his timeline.

Also if he believes that kissing a rock is disgusting and upsets your dc over something that is probably boosting her immune system then something clearly is going wrong in his mental health.

Ultimately he has set ideas of what a family looks like and how members of the family should behave, talk etc and he takes on more and more of the work to control his environment but if family members don’t behave how he wants or don’t do as he says as he hasn’t made it clear what exactly he wants then there is anger. How dare anyone criticise/question him

Remember the more he physically does is about showing the world what a great husband he is compared to the lazy wife and children who don’t do anything
This is about control

Be very careful you aren’t being set up to fail as you are doing all the stuff that you can’t see. Keep hold of the finances as that is where your power is.
How long before you can get the treatment you need.

I don’t want to drip feed, I know how that goes down on mumsnet. But I parent solo fairly often. DH is often on work trips so it’s solely me and the kids. So any suggestion that I don’t pull my weight really doesn’t match with reality. As well as that, DH will go on holidays with friends once or twice a year. Something that I support but am not interested in doing personally, so I don’t want to use that against him. I just want to explain, he really isn’t hard done by, and often I am the one to hold the fort whilst he is travelling.

Do you challenge him at the time he does that sort of thing? How does he react?

My DH is rarely aggressive but there was a period when, if he got angry, he would take it out on anyone who was around, and initially I used to keep quiet to keep the peace. But eventually I decided enough was enough. I came in to find the children subdued and miserable because he'd accused them of doing something they definitely hadn't done, and when I went to talk to DH about it he was still in a strop and started shouting at me. Before he got into his stride I interrupted him and told him firmly he was NOT going to talk to me like that, neither I nor the children had done anything wrong and I was not going to put up with him taking his bad mood out on us. He was so surprised that it stopped him in his tracks. Subsequently I've found that a firm push back makes him think about what he is doing and he's much improved. I'm wondering whether anything similar would work with your husband?

I don't think anyone is suggesting you don't pull your weight, OP. Your division of chores is clear. What's less clear is what you want to do about it. Have you come on here just to vent or are you serious about ending the marriage? If you told your OH the latter, how do you think he would react?

I'm really surprised how the voting is going on this, I'm so sorry your getting such a hard time OP 💐I can't believe Mumsnet think you deserve to be told off for not doing what your told in a timely manner FFS.
NO ONE deserves to be constantly berated for not measuring up, I put up with it for years thinking it was best for the dc; after 30 Years I left, couldn't face another 20, my kids saw and heard it all and now have issues as adults, so staying for their sake doesn't always hold true. Don't sacrifice your self respect OP, you need to give him a stiff ultimatum and stick to your guns.

Realistically OP - do you think the 15 years of shouty aggression is going to change? Does he ever hear you when you tell him it’s unacceptable? Do you think that he will ever agree to counselling for his behavioural issues? Will he ever agree to a cleaner to ease the burden? How do you find your life with the kids when he’s away? Do you find it easier?

Agree - I think OP would have been better posting this in relationships - she's clearly being isolated and made to feel less-than by an entitled controlling arse. You can't reason with the unreasonable - this is not a relationship built on equality and respect - I can well imagine OPs H's reaction if she told him not to speak to her like that ever again in the middle of yet another berating rant. How dare she, she has no right to expect respect because she's clearly shit at everything she does and he has to do everything 🙄🤨

I put up with it for too long OP - it also still affects my DC, particularly the younger one now

It sounds like from your posts:

You take on a lot of the mental load that your DH has not taken on, along with cooking and other housework

You parent alone quite a lot

You work part time and are studying part time and the hours together sound like they equate to full time

Your DH works full time

You have a chronic fatigue type illness temporarily affecting you so your DH has taken over the house cleaning

He now uses that to boss everyone around if things arent perfectly tidy and how he wants them to be

It sounds like he doesn't value your part of the load, possibly because hes never done it and a lot of it is 'invisible', he possibly doesnt feel like everyone is grateful enough for him taking on what sounds like half the load, and therefore hes getting annoyed and lashing out?

If he did all of the things you normally do do you think you would have the energy for the cleaning? Because if so it might be worth doing some job swapping so he actually starts to value your contribution.

He is abusive OP, your original post minimised this. It doesn't matter what he's like with other people or even most of the time, or how hard he works - he is still emotionally abusive and he is now starting on your daughter. Her self esteem and future relationships will suffer as a result,if you let this continue. Of course parents splitting is upsetting for children, and can have a negative impact, to varying degrees, but it is usually in their overall best interests, in these situations.

You have a chronic fatigue type illness temporarily affecting you so your DH has taken over the house cleaning

She says they both do the housework, he does slightly more currently, but she does all the kids’ stuff.

Actually I missed something way more important off my last post

You do not have to stay with someone who yells and gets aggressive with you or the children. You never have to stay with someone like that. Hes had time to change, he knows it makes you unhappy, he choses not to chnage, thats his choice but you still have a choice too.

Yup.

People with anger problems don't usually get better. I have absolutely no tolerance of men using their size, voice, etc., to be aggressive or intimidating - because that's what it is at its heart, isn't it? If you're bigger than the other person in the disagreement, with a booming voice, then raising your voice and getting angry is an attempt to intimidate them into backing down. He's doing it to your daughter as well. He isn't interested in even trying to learn not to do it. There doesn't seem much chance of a future with him that doesn't involve being spoken to aggressively on a regular basis, for you or your DC.

Totally disagree. Counselling - (not mindfulness) - couples therapy will bring up all sorts of issues in a safe space and you’ll find it so so helpful.