DS 14 and violent porn

[Hairsterical]

Real or set up kidnaps of teen girls getting gang raped, "slave" auctions, close ups of butthole plugs in use - these are among the images my young teen accessed recently, now unfortunately burned into both of our brains.

I believe he only recently started to be interested in sex/masturbating, and I was not surprised when I saw some very slightly racy content a few weeks earlier in his YouTube history. Now, still at the start of his whole sexual journey, he is being stimulated by harmful images that could set his baseline.

DS has been under the spell of influencers and appears to have developed a misogynistic view of the world that involves women rightfully belonging to men and violence against women being normal and correct. Through YouTube videos, Twitter memes and the like, he seems to have followed this thinking straight down the path to violent porn.

We are on a course of action to counter these views and frankly step the f up on our parenting, which was a bit lackadaisical on this and some other areas, primarily making sure our family values are instilled into him - such as treating each and every human being on this earth with respect. I think we assumed DS shared our values but of course teens are testing boundaries and looking for their own identities, and I think DS is currently attracted to extreme views.

I'm looking for thoughts and advice on how to deal with this. Every podcast or report on this topic seems to find that a vast amount of porn is violent --- so why on earth is this normalised and seemingly accepted - boys will be boys.

DS's school supposedly has been tackling these very issues around influencers and misogyny and consent. Yet my impression is that some boys are just learning not to express their real opinions because they know what they are "supposed" to think. Should I notify the school of my concerns and my son's recent behaviour perhaps?

We had some controls on one of his devices but another was free and clear to bring anything into our home. We have clamped down on that, but before this DS claimed to be the only one of his friends with any time limits or controls. When I looked on threads here, it seemed indeed many parents had zero controls on their 14 and 15 year olds. So do you know what your teen is looking at?

IMO interest in sex and images is 100% normal but society seems to be moving toward sex and violence toward women being part and parcel. I despair.

You need to sit down and have a discussion with you son. It dosent matter what controls other parents have on their child. This is YOUR child and as his parent you need to talk with him and straighten him out. Watching videos of teen rape and gang auctions is NOT OK.
He's obviously thinking what he's doing is fine . What if one day he is responsible for committing one of these crimes ?
Sit him down, tell him you know what he's been watching . Ask him what is compelling him to watch these sort of videos, is it peer pressure or his is harbouring these thoughts on his own. If so I suggest some professional help

First up I would put the actual fear of god into him re the implications of looking at that sort of stuff.
Possibly under age children, possibly illegal stuff, if he gets caught having viewed any of that he will end up being charged & put on the sex offenders register.
The impact this could have on the rest of his life is massive.
What's he accessing it on?
He's 14 you are in control, remove his internet access, if he is viewing illegal stuff it will be linked to your IP address, this is massively problematic.
Shut him down.

It isn't "normalised and accepted" except by women hating misogynists and, sadly, their victims.

I agree with fear of God. He's 14. He's old enough to know better. Get controls put on devices and turn the WiFi off when he's in his bedroom. It sounds as if he is accessing stuff that the police would be interested in, so tell him that. Terrify the fucking lights out of him. And start by calling it viewing sexual abuse online rather than "slightly racy content".

Jesus Christ OP, I'm so sorry that you're going through this, I would be beside myself. I agree with other posters, I think I would be putting the fear of god into him about the potential illegal stuff he is watching and accessing. I would be cutting off the internet and only using for homework etc. Monitor his phone usage etc..

This is just awful and can happen to anyone of us, people think they have instilled values into children but technology and algorithms are testing our parenting.

Bloody hell! This is honestly my worse nightmare as a mum of two boys. Theses MRA/incel/PUA groups deliberately groom young boys and it's like a gateway drug to white supremacists and other terrorists. I would be coming down hard, though I'm no sure what to do. Can you self report to Prevent??? You need to get your boys back before these groomers warp him up completely and he is lost to you forever. I hope you can get your family the support you need.

yes if I were you scare the hell out of him tell him you've been approached by police for abusive content viewed from your IP address. and remove internet access from him

I think it’s a big problem in our society, the free and easy access to porn, often violent porn. It’s been kicked to the curb by governments, and left in the lap of school who have limited resources and expertise to magically sort out.

I agree with others here about putting fear into him. He needs to understand the consequences of what he is doing. This could be disastrous for his mental health and his view of the world. Curb it now before it's too late. Surely watching stuff of that nature is not legal? Tell him your ip address can get flagged for stuff like that, which will lead the police to your door.

It's all very well removing the access but what I would find concerning is how to reverse that link in his brain between violence against women and arousal. Maybe you could make him watch some online interviews with rape survivors or similar? Specialist therapists? Definitely need to nip this in the bud whilst he is still so young.

This.

And remove his internet access.

Sorry, he sounds bloody vile. Frightens the life out of me that my daughter could grow up and have someone like him as her boyfriend.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP and I would never ever normally condone it but you need to embarrass the shit out of him. Shame him. He is watching and getting pleasure out of young girls getting raped.

Go down the route of the above. Police have flagged IP address.

He's a child. Cut access off. What else? I don't know. I'm starting to believe more and more that children should be heavily socialised by adults and never peers. And they shouldn't have unfettered access to media. We have long had a very hands-off approach with kids in Britain, especially teens. It doesn't seem to work.

I would mention it to school personally, as we can and do our interventions in place this can include police or other agencies coming in to deliver workshops

So I talked to DS about the harm that porn does to men on all kinds of levels, as well as the not showing normal relationships etc etc. I found this useful: www.culturereframed.org/parents-program-on-porn-hypersexualized-media.

I talked to him about it in Y9 because that was when the school were teaching it as part of PSHE and I was extremely alarmed by the way school were approaching it (yes, we know it's normal and what people do etc etc). Yes, I raised it with the school BUT I also talked to my boy about it.

I don't know to be honest whether he accesses / watches porn now (he's older)

Gah link doesn't work. Sorry. Gotta run so can't check it but you might be able to Google.

Ffs he's not vile 🙄 he's a kid who is finding his way and ha been led down a rabbit hole. These young boys need educated. They're being brainwashed by awful influencers and extremists.

Unfortunately it's so widespread now.

im not sure how someone watching, not just once, violent porn showcasing abuse and rape of females could be labelled as 'not vile' @Lateliein

I doubt this would work, we read a really explicit poem from a rape survivor at college and all the boys made jokes that she was a slag and loved it or she deserved it. ALL OF THEM. The teacher was visibly angry.

Have a look here:

https://www.thinkuknow.co.uk/parents/

@chickenandchops had a similar experience at school. they seriously are vile creatures

Remove all internet access and show your disgust assuming you actually feel disgusted. Ask him how he would feel if his but was being filmed being plugged or yours. Revolting

It is tragic that young boys are exposed to this vile stuff, especially as it is at a time when hormones are running riot so that it has a strong impact. He cannot unsee this. You can do all you can, but they might still see this on other boys' devices. So even if parents think they are protecting their boys, they still need to have a discussion about it ... sadly.
I think you should talk about what has happened with school ... it will doing the rounds in his class for sure and they need to be ahead of the game.
God it is grim that parents have to deal with all this.

If he can't be trusted to not search and watch this stuff online, maybe he shouldn't have access to the Internet at home? Consider a phone for calling and text only?