DS 14 and violent porn

[Hairsterical]

Real or set up kidnaps of teen girls getting gang raped, "slave" auctions, close ups of butthole plugs in use - these are among the images my young teen accessed recently, now unfortunately burned into both of our brains.

I believe he only recently started to be interested in sex/masturbating, and I was not surprised when I saw some very slightly racy content a few weeks earlier in his YouTube history. Now, still at the start of his whole sexual journey, he is being stimulated by harmful images that could set his baseline.

DS has been under the spell of influencers and appears to have developed a misogynistic view of the world that involves women rightfully belonging to men and violence against women being normal and correct. Through YouTube videos, Twitter memes and the like, he seems to have followed this thinking straight down the path to violent porn.

We are on a course of action to counter these views and frankly step the f up on our parenting, which was a bit lackadaisical on this and some other areas, primarily making sure our family values are instilled into him - such as treating each and every human being on this earth with respect. I think we assumed DS shared our values but of course teens are testing boundaries and looking for their own identities, and I think DS is currently attracted to extreme views.

I'm looking for thoughts and advice on how to deal with this. Every podcast or report on this topic seems to find that a vast amount of porn is violent --- so why on earth is this normalised and seemingly accepted - boys will be boys.

DS's school supposedly has been tackling these very issues around influencers and misogyny and consent. Yet my impression is that some boys are just learning not to express their real opinions because they know what they are "supposed" to think. Should I notify the school of my concerns and my son's recent behaviour perhaps?

We had some controls on one of his devices but another was free and clear to bring anything into our home. We have clamped down on that, but before this DS claimed to be the only one of his friends with any time limits or controls. When I looked on threads here, it seemed indeed many parents had zero controls on their 14 and 15 year olds. So do you know what your teen is looking at?

IMO interest in sex and images is 100% normal but society seems to be moving toward sex and violence toward women being part and parcel. I despair.

The gang rape bits shows signs of misogyny that are really nasty. Watching a few porn videos is normal. This isn't. It's just not ok.

I do wonder if people are aware of how easy it is it access extreme porn now a days. The assumption here is that he's specifically sought out abusive videos but pornhub will take you to horribly violent and abusive videos very quickly, many are on the main page. I say this only because I think people should be aware that free easy access porn isn't what it used to be, the 'standard stuff' is horrific so this may well not that 'abnormal' is his peer groups.

This

you don’ t even have to look for it, it’s all over porhubs home page. Go check for yourself ms now.

for general adult sex education, I suggest Doing it by Hannah Whitton.

Same. I have a 17 year son who. Is very kind and respectful to everyone. He respects women and calls out misogyny. People brand all teenage boys the same and seem to think girls are perfect.

@glitterisntgendered

I absolutely agree with you about how easy it is to access.
But why would a 14 year be accessing pornhub in the first place?
I don't want to put the boot in to the op who is clearly horrified and taking action, but young people like this will be much harder to reach than if they had never had access to this stuff in the first place.

Parental controls on all devices in fact I'd take his smart phone off him and supervise his Internet access. They should start running prevent for sexism. Get your DH to talk to him and tell him it's not fucking real. Women don't like this stuff and save his future gf / wife from terrible degrading sex.

I wish they weren't @Ted27 but a third of all young people have accessed online porn by the age of 10 years old, it's becoming heartbreakingly normal.

www.childrenscommissioner.gov.uk/resource/a-lot-of-it-is-actually-just-abuse-young-people-and-pornography/

I just suggested this on another thread, but I showed my son this

Got the conversation off porn/sex and onto neuroscience and the effect on your brain. I think it helped?

@glitterisntgendered

I know it's horrendous.

I think at this point a campaign needs to be targeted at parents to make them aware and how they can protect their children.
And I believe the boys need protection as well

Thanks AdamRyan, I did watch some of that Ted talk on another recommendation. I'm trying to draw together materials to show him, so other tips welcome. It was unclear to me what he searched, and what he clicked - like as others say the words may already be there on the site and he clicked. (history was on an unfamiliar browser I don't use).

Part of the reason I wanted to post this is because I think a lot of parents are in denial about how easily accessible this all is, or think their boys are looking at "normal porn" whatever that is. (choking is supposedly "normal now", right?!)

Girls are also being groomed though aren't they.

To think anal and pain and being forcefully dominated is pleasurable and normal. We need to teach our girls it is all part of this vile misogyny.

Gail Dines has done a lot of work in this area. She is a Professor at Wheelock College in Boston who has researched and written books on the topic of porn. Many of her lectures can be viewed on YouTube. She has also developed a program for parents about how to talk to teenagers about porn. You might find this link useful:

https://parents.culturereframed.org/our-courses/

Oh come on.

Of course boys are going to act all feministic and respectful around their mums. All of the boys who sexually assaulted girls when I was at school would’ve been described as ‘lovely young men’ by their mothers. It’s ‘not my Nigel’. The best you can say is that you don’t think he would do something like that, but you can never be certain.

I have a baby DS and frankly I’m tempted to home school and cut off the Internet because of threads like this. They’re absolutely stomach turning. And my daughter will most definitely be going to an all girls school, because why the fuck should she have to sit in class with kids who watch the sort of terrifying and evil videos that OP’s son has? Girls aren’t there to socialise boys, they owe them nothing.

Most 14 year old boys and even girls are accessing pornhub and similar sites. It’s normal and there’s nothing wrong with having that curiosity. What is wrong with it is non consensual sex being filmed and the fact that porn is mostly unregulated but that’s another issue. My husband, a teen in the mid naughties, said he was shown porn by a friend for the first time at age 11, and some of his peers even younger and that’s when there were no smart phones or even Facebook, his house only had one computer, no laptop. Unfortunately, that’s where a lot of boys get their sex education because parents don’t want to discuss it early.

It’s maddening that this or any porn is freely available for any age to access. Even parental controls do not weed it all out. There are some very questionable photos on some instagram pages of women showing nipples and a-lot more

OP I think you are approaching this wonderfully and it's worrying just how accessible extreme content is.

As pp said, I just worry about how normalised violence in sex is nowadays, unless you are into choking you are 'vanilla'. I have no issues with people having kinks within the confines of their bedrooms with consenting adults but why is it now seen as mainstream.

I’m taking a different tack here

he is still very much a child and will follow his morbidity curiosity sometimes, the fact it is there for him to access isn’t his fault plz don’t criminalise a child.

however absolutely have those conversations about, do u know ur looking at someone old enough? The girls who’s ended up on PH after being trafficked, how it means a lot of men can’t perform properly, are women who do this financially desperate , why do more women do this than men in general? All those points , very important but in a way that understands his curiosity but why it is not acceptable

Nobody thinks all of them are (I have a boy), but enough of them are, in a group, that not many girls get through secondary school without some negative experiences. It’s not unreasonable to want your daughter to avoid that.

To all the posters saying that this is not normal - you clearly have no idea what porn is like these days. There was an article this week in The Times where the journalist watched the 10 most popular videos on pornhub - and they are all basically ‘teen’ rape and violence against women. The women in the videos are 18 + years old (supposedly) but dressed to look younger. It’s not illegal at all but freely available for anyone to watch.

This 14 year boy is not vile - he’s just watching what counts as regular porn these days. Please educate yourselves about what this actually consists of. I think it’s horrible too and can’t understand why more people aren’t campaigning against it. But then I read these posts and see so many people who just haven’t a clue

I am sorry, how is he not vile??? He is a sicko. Watching underage girls being raped? He is a pervert.

@Saniflo
they’re not actually underage - just pretending to be.
i don’t agree with it but it doesn’t seem to be illegal

You can't access porn in my house as our Virgin Media account has content controls on it, I thought everyone with children would do this? You need to contact your internet provider asap and get this set up!

You are right, so many parents are in denial or just totally unaware. I teach secondary age and I have a 13yo. I can't believe how many parents give their young teens unfilteredand unlimited, internet access.

It is impossible to shield teens from everything but a lot of parents I encounter through work seem to just stop parenting when their kids get to secondary age. They still need to talk about things all the time.

Op, I watch a few different box sets with my ds that have a 15 age rating, he isn't allowed to watchage 15 material unless it's with one of us so it's a bit of a treat but it also means we can talk about things which come up like drugs, relationships, friendships etc. It's a way of raising 'what would you do?' And 'how would people feel about that?' type questions but without it being too forced and let's sit down and have the chat.

Could that be an option for helping him develop more normal views? Maybe some kind of hard hitting drama?

He's not vile ffs. I feel sorry for him. Well done for raising this issue OP.

I think we have good controls at home but I dont know what my son accesses outside the home. In his friends houses and out and about.

It upsets me. I have had chats but I dont know how much of it he takes on.