DS 14 and violent porn

[Hairsterical]

Real or set up kidnaps of teen girls getting gang raped, "slave" auctions, close ups of butthole plugs in use - these are among the images my young teen accessed recently, now unfortunately burned into both of our brains.

I believe he only recently started to be interested in sex/masturbating, and I was not surprised when I saw some very slightly racy content a few weeks earlier in his YouTube history. Now, still at the start of his whole sexual journey, he is being stimulated by harmful images that could set his baseline.

DS has been under the spell of influencers and appears to have developed a misogynistic view of the world that involves women rightfully belonging to men and violence against women being normal and correct. Through YouTube videos, Twitter memes and the like, he seems to have followed this thinking straight down the path to violent porn.

We are on a course of action to counter these views and frankly step the f up on our parenting, which was a bit lackadaisical on this and some other areas, primarily making sure our family values are instilled into him - such as treating each and every human being on this earth with respect. I think we assumed DS shared our values but of course teens are testing boundaries and looking for their own identities, and I think DS is currently attracted to extreme views.

I'm looking for thoughts and advice on how to deal with this. Every podcast or report on this topic seems to find that a vast amount of porn is violent --- so why on earth is this normalised and seemingly accepted - boys will be boys.

DS's school supposedly has been tackling these very issues around influencers and misogyny and consent. Yet my impression is that some boys are just learning not to express their real opinions because they know what they are "supposed" to think. Should I notify the school of my concerns and my son's recent behaviour perhaps?

We had some controls on one of his devices but another was free and clear to bring anything into our home. We have clamped down on that, but before this DS claimed to be the only one of his friends with any time limits or controls. When I looked on threads here, it seemed indeed many parents had zero controls on their 14 and 15 year olds. So do you know what your teen is looking at?

IMO interest in sex and images is 100% normal but society seems to be moving toward sex and violence toward women being part and parcel. I despair.

Children being socialised with their peers is Beth important for their development. They should be mucking around in the park, hanging around malls and not accessing explicit violent content and being groomed on forums.

I think he needs urgent psychological help. This is highly worrying.

This is not normal porn and is extremely concerning, particularly at this young age. Not to mention the way he’s talking about women.

Please, get your son some help.

You need to remove his Internet access and sit him down for an open and frank conversation about sex, porn and consent etc. I have drummed it into my 7 year old about consent since she was about 5 and that when someone says no it means no! He's 14 so you have all the control right now.

Good luck with addressing this - tbh this is material that would have got him a prison sentence as an adult 30 years ago.

I would limit access. He is 14. This is literally shit he running through his own brain; and no, it is not a stage. It conditions a preference that will affect any girl that he may encounter.

And you know that how?

Children's curiosity about sex is usual. Of course it is. And especially in the digital age, it's easy for them to satisfy that curiosity with a quick Google. So far so normal. Tends to happen at around the age of 10.

A 14 year old spending his time doing what the OP's son is doing is a long way on from satisfying a blossoming curiosity about your own body, that of the opposite sex and what goes where.

He's also a damn site nearer the age where he'll get put on the sex register and locked up if his hobby continues than any 10 year old.

Nobody is saying ALL 14 year old boys are like this.

They really really aren't. And that's what's so very serious about what this one is involved in.

I'm DSL at school and if this was brought to us, I think we'd be referring to outside authorities.

I haven't looked into this too much but you may find some useful information here.
https://www.parentsprotect.co.uk/if-your-child-gets-into-trouble-online.htm

I’m sorry, but I find the phrasing here that it’s a ‘gateway to white supremacy and terrorism’ really disturbing in the context of the OP. It’s like women being sexually tortured and abused is not as bad as white supremacy: that it’s minimized as a ‘step’ to the bad stuff.

Women and girls being sexually abused IS the bad stuff.

The fact that it’s so normalized we accept it, is really, really disturbing.

@Irritateandunreasonable
That is normal porn nowadays unfortunately

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

The hatred of women is all over the internet- I am actively AVOIDING seeing any of it but videos still crop up in my recommended from Jordan Peterson/ pickup artists/ people who follow Andrew Tate because there is so much of this content online and the algorithm pushes it forward.

A big part of the problem no one is discussing is that men like Andrew Tate who promote violence against women are seen as aspirational by young boys. They seem rich, like they have flash clothes and cars, are tough and masculine, and I can see why they would be seen as cool by an impressionable young boy. They spout so much bullshit about how to become rich and successful like them, interwoven with the hatred of women and warped views about how an 'alpha male' treats 'his woman'.

For me that is the most worrying part that needs nipped in the bud immediately.

Maybe educate him about some of the scandals around this type of content- which includes human trafficking, abuse and violence.
Your son needs to be helped to understand the other side of what he is watching and why it is harmful to people in real life. It is easy to feel detached to something on a screen and your son is still at an age where his brain is developing and he has no idea how dark and scary some of this shit really is.

It's not getting to fuck endless numbers of hot women and drive a Mercedes. It's women getting beaten and abused and trafficked.

The OP refers to these gang rape vidoes as "real or setup" so it's fascinating that you're so certain that what her son has been accessing isn't real, despite the OP having viewed it and not being sure of that herself.

Sorry, but literally everyone is discussing this. All the media coverage has looked at it. It's entirely this reasons that schools have had to intervene.

It's not easy to tackle but it's hardly being ignored.

Give him a brick phone so no access to the internet and ensure he doesn’t have access to the internet via any other channel. I would also consult the school and a psychologist. Porn should be banned for this very reason.

It's such a shame that there is not a charity that gets female survivors of serious, heavy porn to make short videos explaining what they went through, how it affected them etc. Many are trafficking victims too. AA used to send recovering alcoholics into schools to talk to students about their journey into alcohol abuse to try to make the kids consider their relationship with booze.

I actually think getting some advice from a cult charity may help you navigate the mental aspect of this…these boys are following a guru who is perpetuating a world view and they are attracted to it. I don’t know much about this but you need to help him change his mind on this stuff.

Teenage boys won’t listen or give a shit. Awful but true.

Sorry, I didn't explain that well. It's not that I don't think they should socialise with peers, I was criticising the 'child-led' approach prevalent here, where we let them 'explore' and exploration is a virtue in of itself. I think balance is off in the UK relative to other countries, most parents here don't 'parent'. Lots of reacting to stuff as and when it happens with few consequences. So many parents act as if they are helpless, it's bizarre. How many threads where mums say they can't take away a device or ground a teen for a week or whatever? Not that they don't think it's the right approach to the problem, they DO but they "can't". It's pathetic.

There's so much pushback in the UK from trying to prevent a problem in the first place, because of their supposed child's need to 'explore'. Ok, up to a point maybe. But we have a big problem with anti-social, drug and binge drinking kids who are watching misogynistic porn aged 10 FFS. British teens are the unhappiest in Europe. Clearly something isn't working. I don't think the parents who want to homeschool or look into single-sex school or ban devices are weird, but they are spoken about as if they are.

For god sake, can people stop acting like this is a direct attack on their little Prince? It is perfectly RATIONAL to fear for teenage girls due to the extreme porn many boys are watching, due to pricks like Andrew Tate, due to the real life rape and abuse many women and girls face.
You’re basically Not All Men-ing

It would probably just turn them on, they don’t see women and girls as human when they’re watching that stuff. It’s well known that men will access women only online rape survivor groups, because they get off on it.

''Scaring the hell out of him'' and ''removing his access to the internet'' are going to achieve nothing and is actually lazy parenting.

You need to have an open conversation with your son to help him understand the fact that these images are extreme and unsavoury representation of sex and relationship and talk about the importance of respecting women and girls.

Basically you need to challenges the messages that he has been absorbing online.

Lots of people here are suggesting that he's seen by a psychologist/counsellor etc. Now who offers this service? CAMHS is so overstretched that even if they accepted the referral (and I don't think they would), he would probably be legally adult by the time he was seen.

So where do you go if you want a young man to see someone about this sort of thing?

And, just as importantly if not more so, how do you get them to engage?

As a side tack -- OP, is he at a mixed- or single sex school? If the latter, does he have much social access to real live girls? If not, I'm wondering if he should get involved in some sort of club/charity work etc (carefully screened by you of course!) so that he can meet some girls and perhaps start to realise that they are humans and not robotic rape-fantasy fodder?

I agree. My son is a baby but I said to DH, I will never assume he would ‘never do anything like this’ just because he is respectful and polite to me. The best I will be able to say is it don’t think he would. But nobody can be 100%. It’s very sad but men are in their nature much more predatory and selfish than women.

As someone who works with teenagers and has spotted many a teenage boy trying to Google Andrew Tate in my lessons, I am following this thread with interest. The exposure of teens to misogynistic and abusive imagery is rife amongst teenage boys and girls through phones and social media

I saw a really good informative video about the amount of non-consensual, abusive sex shown on TikTok so it doesn’t have to be PornHub. TikTok is definitely not all dancing videos!! It showed the prevalence of videos about choking and domination within the teen community so I am not surprised about the comments on this thread at all.

the other thing that’s frightening is nowadays a lot of filters/AI technology can be applied to videos now so the women in the video( who may be in 20s/30s) can be filtered to look like young teens.

scary times definitely and please do not assume your charming innocent child is not seeing this stuff as they almost certainly are

I'm not normally an advocate of it but in this case I'd take away all devices with Internet access.
Indefinitely. I think I'd remove him from school too if possible. Homeschooling.

And i'd be looking to send him to therapy ASAP.

Im nearly 40 and I daren't access anything so extreme. He's only 14!
As you've said yourself he's gone down a rabbit hole and the extreme nature will only go worse if allowed to continue.
Please don't brush this off as "a teenager finding his own way" or "testing his boundaries" etc.
You sound like a great mum for speaking up and wanting to do something. Please speak to a professional in this area. I am sure they deal with this kind of stuff daily!
All the best.

I mean. You don't know he was aroused by it, he could be viewing it for shock value, like a horror. I remember when inwas a kid there was a weird phase where people were recording and viewing suicides and executions and murders by isis. I think maybe if I thought he was aroused i would say if you want any Internet or phone you attend therapy. But of course that Internet is incredibly limited.