DS 14 and violent porn

[Hairsterical]

Real or set up kidnaps of teen girls getting gang raped, "slave" auctions, close ups of butthole plugs in use - these are among the images my young teen accessed recently, now unfortunately burned into both of our brains.

I believe he only recently started to be interested in sex/masturbating, and I was not surprised when I saw some very slightly racy content a few weeks earlier in his YouTube history. Now, still at the start of his whole sexual journey, he is being stimulated by harmful images that could set his baseline.

DS has been under the spell of influencers and appears to have developed a misogynistic view of the world that involves women rightfully belonging to men and violence against women being normal and correct. Through YouTube videos, Twitter memes and the like, he seems to have followed this thinking straight down the path to violent porn.

We are on a course of action to counter these views and frankly step the f up on our parenting, which was a bit lackadaisical on this and some other areas, primarily making sure our family values are instilled into him - such as treating each and every human being on this earth with respect. I think we assumed DS shared our values but of course teens are testing boundaries and looking for their own identities, and I think DS is currently attracted to extreme views.

I'm looking for thoughts and advice on how to deal with this. Every podcast or report on this topic seems to find that a vast amount of porn is violent --- so why on earth is this normalised and seemingly accepted - boys will be boys.

DS's school supposedly has been tackling these very issues around influencers and misogyny and consent. Yet my impression is that some boys are just learning not to express their real opinions because they know what they are "supposed" to think. Should I notify the school of my concerns and my son's recent behaviour perhaps?

We had some controls on one of his devices but another was free and clear to bring anything into our home. We have clamped down on that, but before this DS claimed to be the only one of his friends with any time limits or controls. When I looked on threads here, it seemed indeed many parents had zero controls on their 14 and 15 year olds. So do you know what your teen is looking at?

IMO interest in sex and images is 100% normal but society seems to be moving toward sex and violence toward women being part and parcel. I despair.

I have girls and teenage boys scare me to be honest. DSD starts secondary school in Septemeber and I wish she was going to an all girls school

Our home broadband and mobile internet providers have parental settings on. I couldn’t even get on a piercing jewellery website the other day!

As the parent of a lovely, respectful 15 year old boy this kind of comment upsets me!! Why do people think all teenage boys are predators?!

You need to talk to your child about this. Actual conversation. Face to face. Don’t just put extra controls on devices.

Of course you're right, not all teenage boys are predators and I'm sure your boy is lovely. DSD is in year 6 and already boys are making sexual comments and it just worries me.

You can out a filter on your router through your providers app, no chance of seeing anything like this plus for a good measure tick the boxes on gambling etc sites too.

My 14yo was heavily into Andrew Tate, much to my despair and embarrassment. The whole prison thing seems to have turned him around a bit, and the remaining good is that he got very into playing chess! But I know what you mean about it coming 'out if the blue into a family with very different views (my other son is fine).

We do not have any restrictions set up but we do not allow any devices in bedrooms. In an open plan house this means we can see anything at any time. Both Ds computers are in a communal area facing outwards into the room. I'm very afraid of the rabbit holes children can go down with content on the internet, whether it's suicidal topics or porn or whatever.

In view of your son's behavior I would suggest telling him that this will be very very damaging to his sex life/ relationships with women generally over the long term. In order to protect him you are either banning devices from the bedroom or setting up some tight restrictions. He must know from your reaction that it's really serious and damaging to himself. If he was running in front of cars for excitement you would be appalled and scared. I actually think what he's doing could be more emotionally damaging than we realise.

@Asparagus1

I have an 18 year old who I also think is lovely and respectful. I don't believe he has accessed porn but hand on heart I don't know for certain.
What I do know is he never accessed it our home. I have the strongest parental controls on the Internet, no devices of any description in his room until he was 16. He still doesn't have a TV in his room, the PS5 is still in the living room. Despite the constant pressure I never gave in to the demands for 18 rated games like Grand Theft Auto.
What I can't control is what he sees outside, although I don't see any worrying behaviours. He has had one girlfriend who he was very respectful of and is on the whole respectful towards me.

Nothing wrong with wanting your girls in girls schools so they have a chance of some normalcy. It's abnormal what we expect them to put up with.

You sound like a fantastic mum @Ted27 I wish more parents did what you are doing.

@Lateliein

Not vile? Sorry, but he has CHOSEN to watch videos of young women getting raped.
There's no stumbling about it.
There's no such thing as 'finding your feet' in the porn world. Who tf does that!? Teen boys watching the odd video on pornhub is drastically different to repeatedly watching young girls get GANG RAPED. Who brainwashed him to search on his own accord rape videos?

Eye roll all you want, you're being very naïve.

https://www.thinkuknow.co.uk/11_18/lets-talk-about/sex-and-sexual-content/

https://www.thinkuknow.co.uk/parents/ask-the-awkward/

This with bells on.

Finding your feet watching porn???!!!! What total nonsense.

OP it's great to hear as a parent of a teen boy you are actually monitoring this and doing something about it. Given how many misogynistic men there are in the world there will have been many many parents who haven't done this.

For those saying restrict completely, come down on him like a tonne of bricks or even sit him down and have a good talk - that won't work. He will either dismiss, find a work around or become stronger in his views.

If you really want to make a difference you need to seek a good therapist to help you understand why he is attracted to these beliefs, and what's going on in his head.

I do not have a teenage son so cannot relate but work with teenagers in CAMHS (psychology related) and if I had a client like your child I would need to do a safeguard referral and explore the reason behind this behaviour, possible refer to therapy, explore any underlying causes that lead to this, such as grooming, bullying/ rejection (by women), low self esteem etc. I am not suggesting you jump the gun and assume any of these possible causalities however, I am suggesting you approach with some love and connection with your son at this time. He is still a child and needs guidance, firm boundaries and sexual education.

Does he speak to you about sex in general? Is this a normal topic of discussion in your home? If not, you might need to start this kind of communication gradually in a way he feels safe. Would he open up to his dad? Or another relative, younger than his parents but older than him might have more of an impact on him?

If he does speak to you about this then I would thread carefully about shaming him. He needs to know this content is wrong and abusive and these are humans, not objects BUT he is also human and has made some bad choices so needs a chance to put things right. Shaming and restricting him too harshly may damage your relationship and make him feel
misunderstood which will likely make him rebel and make those extreme groups seem much more fascinating.

I think giving him a bit of a scare like mentioning police have been in touch would be a good idea but only do this if you feel he won’t listen to you otherwise. I would also suggest restricting access to certain sites on your wifi etc as mentioned by other posters.

could you explain to him that there is nothing wrong with viewing consensual sex? You could explain that when he’s old enough he can even pay for porn and that way he knows it’s the most ethical choice? Perhaps you could watch some documentaries on the porn industry or on abuse survivors but this would have to be all done gradually and not just out of the blue or he might think you’ve gone mad!

Thanks for the helpful advice, and I also totally understand why some here are hand wringing and blaming the parents. I can assure you I was completely floored by the extremity of what he had accessed. I felt physically sick and still do, and had a similar angry reaction of wanting to put the fear of god into him.

Putting the fear of god into him is still an option but we did not go with that as our initial response. I read threads here and found some resources on this site https://www.culturereframed.org/compose-yourself/ (as someone else helpfully posted above)

Their advice is that anger toward the child is ineffective. However I will definitely be bringing up the risk of police action however as part of our planned "reeducation" programme.

We sat him down, said we knew he accessed extremely inappropriate content, and that it raised many issues we needed to adress as a family in the coming days and weeks. The device he used was removed and his phone and computer now in use have family link controls.

We are basically resetting our whole parenting approach and making him and this situation our number one priority right now.

He is not a vile child and don't be fooled that only vile children will be drawn to these images. I think my son probably genuinely does not know what normal sex or porn is, and he is veering toward something that he has caught glimpses of through memes and misogynistic talk from the idiot influencers out there. I think he is being conditioned to believe this is what young guys watch -- and unfortunately I imagine the actual audience is enormous.

He has an extended loving family, a great friend group and goes to a school that presents itself as on the cutting edge of tackling these issues. (I think I will contact the school.)

Cutting off all internet sounds lovely but is impractical when all of his homework and school planning is online. Access shuts off at 8:30pm. He didn't have a smart phone until he was in year 8, which is much later than most, and we only caved because he wasn't able to access assignments when needed and couldn't be in study group or friend chats.

Had no cause for concern before influencers popped up in his life last year and he seemed to think they were impressive because of their supposed wealth. We have/had ongoing talks about their repugnant views and he has been saying more recently he's not into the influencers. But it seems like it has rubbed off, or he's just telling us what we wanted to hear. (this was before this shock discovery.)

He also experimented with religion this year. (we have zero religion.) He is clearly super confused and looking for his idenity. These toxic influencers present themselves as male role models and I think he is attracted to that macho male role model.

The earlier racy image was like a youtube of a clothed girl bending over to pick something up or something. AFAICT he went straight from that level to the most extreme stuff possible, skipping out on anything in between. We will probe more how things escalated so quickly.

As bondsy said - this is a huge fear now --- It's all very well removing the access but what I would find concerning is how to reverse that link in his brain between violence against women and arousal.

Massive generalisation 🙄
My 16 iyesr old s a kind ,mature young man he,very thoughtful
He has a severely disabled brother and has recently been diagnosed with diabetes,and has dealt with it admirab!y ,far better than most adults
I hate the generalisation on here about boys and men

I'm sorry but with the amount of 'normal' porn out there, I really don't think he's been conditioned to think this is what normal teens watch.

No, he isn't vile. He is a child, at a vulnerable age, and potentially could have been groomed or pressured into accessing/exploring these materials. Even if he accessed it on his own, that doesn't make him a predator - teenagers are naturally exploratory and make all kind of mistakes. He needs to be helped, not vilified.

In your shoes OP I would be urgently stopping access to the internet, exploring all avenues of support and also seeking expert therapy ASAP. He needs help understanding the potential impact of his actions on others, unpicking what led him to seek out these materials and also to process the effect this has had on his developing mind.

I'm sure your boy is lovely but @Comby put it best.

Nothing wrong with wanting your girls in girls schools so they have a chance of some normalcy. It's abnormal what we expect them to put up with.

Yes I have generalised but the behaviour towards girls from some of the boys in year 6 is already worrying. We just do our best to protect our own kids don't we. * *

I would be removing phone and internet access. Serious discussions, punishments. Report to HoY. Ds2 is this age and I'd be very sad and disappointed.

I'd explain to him the reasons this kind of material is completely unacceptable to you and therefore you are withdrawing his private/unsupervised access to any screens/phones owned or provided by you.

Absolutely no phone and no internet by any device and no access to anything. No visits out of the house and grounded. Fear of god - do you have a good local pcso? Or one linked to the school

he needs to understand rape, coercion and padeophilia.
internet off then
first call a decent police officer to speak to him

Have you ever thought about parental controls and limiting his access to age appropriate content?