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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not invite future SIL's boyfriend to wedding?

195 replies

ALegennnrgaOf · 11/05/2023 20:34

We're having a small wedding of 30 people (including us, B&G). Short ceremony going straight into a reception lunch. No evening do.
Future SIL is threatening to not turn up unless her boyfriend is invited too. Are we being U to say no anyway. If she doesn't turn up so be it.

Because of the size nobody's getting plus ones - the partners/spouses being invited are all people we know personally. Apart from our parents and one set of grandparents/aunts/uncles each no other spouses anyway.

Her reasoning is that she doesn't want to travel and stay in a room 'without her boyfriend' but she's not going to be alone - she'll be with her parents! They don't need to stay over anyway as their family home is less than an hour's drive from the venue but if they do sleeping in a single room next to her parents/sharing an AirBnb is hardly the challenge of the century.

Also... we've never met the boyfriend. They got together recently, live together (same room in a student house share). He'll be the only guest that we don't know - would be pretty boring for him as well!

Thoughts?

OP posts:
onlyconnect · 11/05/2023 20:35

You don't need to invite him. She's being ridiculous.

optimisticchanger · 11/05/2023 20:36

I think you should invite him.

Original poster
ALegennnrgaOf · 11/05/2023 20:37

optimisticchanger · 11/05/2023 20:36

I think you should invite him.

Why?

OP posts:
WeaselKingHenry · 11/05/2023 20:38

You are not being at all unreasonable, she is being an immature drama llama

user4750 · 11/05/2023 20:38

They live together. You should invite him.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 11/05/2023 20:38

We had this. We capitulated, mainly due to parental sulking. The Boyfriend got drunk, made a spectacle of himself, tripped over a flower pot and had to be taken home by the best man.

It was all over and he'd been dumped by SIL by the time we got back from honeymoon and i've never seen or heard of him since. Would be no skin off my nose except.....He's front and centre in all the wedding photos, and I don't have a single one of the family grouping without his face in it which makes me sad. If you have to give in, come up with a strategy so he isn't in the important photos!

Curseofthenation · 11/05/2023 20:38

If your fiance doesn't care about SIL not coming then crack on. She obviously isn't that fussed about coming to make this kind of ultimatum.

Gloriousgardener11 · 11/05/2023 20:39

No need to invite him.

strawberry2017 · 11/05/2023 20:39

Your wedding your choice!

DGay · 11/05/2023 20:39

I wouldn't invite either. She can just stay home with her bf.

HappiestSleeping · 11/05/2023 20:39

Your wedding, your invite list. Nobody can dictate who you invite.

mbosnz · 11/05/2023 20:40

I wouldn't invite him. You don't know him, have never met him, they've only recently got together (will they still be together?), she will know plenty at the wedding, including her family. They don't need to stay over, if they do, if she's big enough to be in a student flat share, she's big enough either to have a room on her own, or share with her parents.

Original poster
ALegennnrgaOf · 11/05/2023 20:43

RelentlessForwardProgress · 11/05/2023 20:38

We had this. We capitulated, mainly due to parental sulking. The Boyfriend got drunk, made a spectacle of himself, tripped over a flower pot and had to be taken home by the best man.

It was all over and he'd been dumped by SIL by the time we got back from honeymoon and i've never seen or heard of him since. Would be no skin off my nose except.....He's front and centre in all the wedding photos, and I don't have a single one of the family grouping without his face in it which makes me sad. If you have to give in, come up with a strategy so he isn't in the important photos!

Hahahah!
Yeah, this is also one of my concerns. Of course, I know even people who were together can be divorced, blah2 but he's a virtual stranger.
I don't think I can keep him from being in the wedding photos as she'll probably drag him in.

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 11/05/2023 20:44

"Her reasoning is that she doesn't want to travel and stay in a room 'without her boyfriend"

This is a bit of a crap reason isn't it? How far does she have to travel? Surely she's stayed in a room in her own at some point?

EasterBreak · 11/05/2023 20:44

God no why would you invite someone you've never met to your wedding. SIL is ridiculous.

Reugny · 11/05/2023 20:44

No don't invite him.

I've been invited to family events including weddings without a plus one. If I did have a plus one it would mean someone else in the family e.g. teenage nephew or niece couldn't go.

optimisticchanger · 11/05/2023 20:45

I invited my future BIL partner to our wedding. They had only been together a few months but it seemed horribly petty not to and just a way to upset my husbands side of the family for the sake of saving £90. I'm glad I did, they are still together many years later and have children together.

When my cousin got married she didn't invite my sisters boyfriend. My sister is now married to him and it just made him feel unwelcome.

Yes, it's your wedding and yes she's acting like a brat - but this is your husbands family - why rock the boat when in the scheme of things it really won't affect your day?

EasterBreak · 11/05/2023 20:47

optimisticchanger · 11/05/2023 20:45

I invited my future BIL partner to our wedding. They had only been together a few months but it seemed horribly petty not to and just a way to upset my husbands side of the family for the sake of saving £90. I'm glad I did, they are still together many years later and have children together.

When my cousin got married she didn't invite my sisters boyfriend. My sister is now married to him and it just made him feel unwelcome.

Yes, it's your wedding and yes she's acting like a brat - but this is your husbands family - why rock the boat when in the scheme of things it really won't affect your day?

It will if they split up in 3 months and he's in OPs wedding photos.

ThatFraggle · 11/05/2023 20:47

user4750 · 11/05/2023 20:38

They live together. You should invite him.

No.

This isn't a huge wedding with 300 people, and SIL's bf is the only SO not invited.

This is an intimate ceremony, with their closest loved ones. They don't want student bf in their private space and in their photos when they don't know him now and the likelihood is that he will not still be in the picture long term.

Even if it was a destination wedding, a grown adult with her actual parents doesn't need an emotional support person to their sibling's wedding.

Unless there's something majorly left out, like, a relative who abused her will be there, SIL is being massively unreasonable.

Starlitestarbright · 11/05/2023 20:48

Is that going for your friends partners aswell? Personally I wouldn't travel and pay for accommodation outfit gift etc if the invitation wasn't extended to my dh.

sewerrat · 11/05/2023 20:48

tell her dont come then. dont invite him stick to your word its not their wedding to choose

optimisticchanger · 11/05/2023 20:50

Meh to the wedding photos being an issue.
Having some random in the group shots doesn't matter.
The photos that everyone ends up caring about are just the couple or the immediate bridal party.
Just make sure you have strict lists of who is in each photo and make the photographer stick to it.
Equally nothing wrong with saying - no partners for xyz photo.

Reugny · 11/05/2023 20:50

Starlitestarbright · 11/05/2023 20:48

Is that going for your friends partners aswell? Personally I wouldn't travel and pay for accommodation outfit gift etc if the invitation wasn't extended to my dh.

It is your DH not a student boyfriend of less than 6 months.

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 11/05/2023 20:51

It's your DH's sister, not some distant cousin. Your wedding your choice and all that but you are setting the tone for shit family relations going forward iMO.

batsandeggs · 11/05/2023 20:53

How old are they / how long have they been together?

I likely wouldn’t. As someone else said, him going means someone else can’t. If it’s likely to cause a big family fall out and you can make the extra space work then make sure he’s not in any official photos! But if your partner is fine with it then crack on, it’s your wedding.