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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not invite future SIL's boyfriend to wedding?

195 replies

ALegennnrgaOf · 11/05/2023 20:34

We're having a small wedding of 30 people (including us, B&G). Short ceremony going straight into a reception lunch. No evening do.
Future SIL is threatening to not turn up unless her boyfriend is invited too. Are we being U to say no anyway. If she doesn't turn up so be it.

Because of the size nobody's getting plus ones - the partners/spouses being invited are all people we know personally. Apart from our parents and one set of grandparents/aunts/uncles each no other spouses anyway.

Her reasoning is that she doesn't want to travel and stay in a room 'without her boyfriend' but she's not going to be alone - she'll be with her parents! They don't need to stay over anyway as their family home is less than an hour's drive from the venue but if they do sleeping in a single room next to her parents/sharing an AirBnb is hardly the challenge of the century.

Also... we've never met the boyfriend. They got together recently, live together (same room in a student house share). He'll be the only guest that we don't know - would be pretty boring for him as well!

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Sugargliderwombat · 12/05/2023 04:31

My boyfriend didn't cometo my mums wedding, I didn't go to his dad's. We had been together around a year and it was totally fine. 100% spoilt brat.

madeleine85 · 12/05/2023 04:37

A very close friend had a “only plus ones we’ve met” policy for their wedding. They hadn’t met my boyfriend, he didn’t come and I went solo, met some lovely people and had a great time. 5 years later I’m now married to the guy, and I still couldn’t care less about that invite. It was their day, their choice, and honestly a great invite policy in my opinion. On the flip side I’m in a fair few of my ex’s sisters family only wedding photos despite having never met her before that day, and I feel a bit bad as the photographer kind of forced that in, and it was awkward for all of us. It’s your wedding, set the day you want. It really is the one day that’s all about just the two of you, and should be.

stayathomer · 12/05/2023 05:03

It's your DH's sister, not some distant cousin. Your wedding your choice and all that but you are setting the tone for shit family relations going forward iMO.
This is what I was going to say- you’ll get a lot of smirky ‘if she doesn’t want to go she doesn’t have to’ comments but like it or not when you get married you and your in laws are a family too and your dh deserves to have his sister there. He may say he doesn’t care, but it’s something that will come up in the future and he may regret that his whole family isn’t there

buckingmad · 12/05/2023 05:21

I had this OP but due to covid constraints. I was still made to feel unreasonable when I literally couldn’t add them 😂 I don’t know what it is about weddings that make people so entitled and selfish. The family member is still in a strop with me now a few years on. Stuck to your guns! It’s your wedding.

ThatFraggle · 12/05/2023 05:32

I can't understand people insisting OP invite a stranger to her intimate, 30 person wedding with no other plus-ones. Have you actually read the thread or you just saw the title and jumped in?

And how will others feel (who were not allowed a plus one and are actually surrounded by strangers) when they find out OPs sister in law got a plus one?

How far away is the wedding? Tbh, the problem will probably resolve itself and they would have broken up by then. But then she'll have a new two week boyfriend that she wants to come instead.

labamba007 · 12/05/2023 05:33

How long have they been together, OP? If my SIL didn't invite me to her wedding when she was getting married I'd certainly see it as her not wanting to welcome me to the family in case we break up. But I would never cause a fuss and neither would my husband. How about if he paid for himself? If I was your SIL and knew you were tight on budget and felt nervous about the travel (not sure why but never mind) I'd potentially offer to pay for my partner!

ThatFraggle · 12/05/2023 05:34

labamba007 · 12/05/2023 05:33

How long have they been together, OP? If my SIL didn't invite me to her wedding when she was getting married I'd certainly see it as her not wanting to welcome me to the family in case we break up. But I would never cause a fuss and neither would my husband. How about if he paid for himself? If I was your SIL and knew you were tight on budget and felt nervous about the travel (not sure why but never mind) I'd potentially offer to pay for my partner!

It's also about OP not wanting a stranger at an intimate ceremony.

LovedFedAndNoonesDead · 12/05/2023 05:49

labamba007 · 12/05/2023 05:33

How long have they been together, OP? If my SIL didn't invite me to her wedding when she was getting married I'd certainly see it as her not wanting to welcome me to the family in case we break up. But I would never cause a fuss and neither would my husband. How about if he paid for himself? If I was your SIL and knew you were tight on budget and felt nervous about the travel (not sure why but never mind) I'd potentially offer to pay for my partner!

It’s not a case of “how about he pays for himself” though; the venue is strictly limited to 30 guests, the next venue offered by the company (guessing function rooms in a hotel type scenario) is much larger, has much higher minimum guest numbers and, with that, much higher base cost which would take the OP’s entire wedding budget - a wedding where, to manage costs, she’s having a preloved dress; and has already explained that, other than their parents and 1 set of grandparents/aunt uncle combo each, no other guests are having plus ones unless the plus one is also someone who is a close friend and would be on the list if not married to another guest. People can’t always just add numbers to their guest list without it completely changing the whole day.

labamba007 · 12/05/2023 05:54

@LovedFedAndNoonesDead ahhh okay I didn't realise the venue had strict limits! Well then there's no way it can happen then!

LovedFedAndNoonesDead · 12/05/2023 06:01

Regarding the sister’s boyfriend and them ‘living together’, they are in a shared student house not renting a forever home together - it’s quite possible they’ll be together in 10 years time but it’s equally possible they will be shuffling round avoiding each other before the academic year is done!!

I’m glad your DF is in agreement with you about not inviting the boyfriend and not falling for his sister’s manipulations; I think the only way to deal with this is for him to stick to his guns and say no - if that means she won’t be there, you’ll both be disappointed but it simply doesn’t work and isn’t happening no matter how much she threatens not to come!!

I really feel for you, we were strictly limited to numbers at our civil ceremony due to the only room at the local registry office (which was also a beautiful, period property as opposed to others in the county that are 1970’s office block type buildings) having a maximum capacity of 50 guests; we left people we wanted to be there off the list to invite DH siblings because he said it was the “right thing to do” (he has 6 from 3 marriages between his parents) only for 5 of them (plus spouse and children where relevant) to drop out the week of the wedding - far too late to start sending out invites to the wedding itself. We were able to speak to a couple of local friends who were invited to the all day reception and had asked if they could come to watch us leave the ceremony before heading to the reception and invite them to join us; but we still had 10 empty seats - a lot when numbers were so tight - and it shows that his family side was his parents, adult children and 1 brother whereas my side was DM, 2 siblings with families, a couple of aunts and uncles - it all felt very lopsided

optimisticchanger · 12/05/2023 06:27

@FoundTheProblem lol I'm not the sil - but I was in the exact same position at my own wedding and I invited her (my brother in laws brand new girlfriend).

optimisticchanger · 12/05/2023 06:28

stayathomer · 12/05/2023 05:03

It's your DH's sister, not some distant cousin. Your wedding your choice and all that but you are setting the tone for shit family relations going forward iMO.
This is what I was going to say- you’ll get a lot of smirky ‘if she doesn’t want to go she doesn’t have to’ comments but like it or not when you get married you and your in laws are a family too and your dh deserves to have his sister there. He may say he doesn’t care, but it’s something that will come up in the future and he may regret that his whole family isn’t there

Exactly this.

Chickenwing2 · 12/05/2023 06:49

She gave an ultimatum m?! What a BRAT. No way would I invite him. If she says she won't go say "oh that's a shame." Do not pander to childish behaviour.

ZekeZeke · 12/05/2023 06:52

When is thr wedding? Apologies if I missed that in a previous post.

Notonthestairs · 12/05/2023 06:58

If, after a few months together, DH had refused to attend his sisters wedding without me I would have been a bit shocked.
Particularly if I hadn't met bride or groom.
And there were only 30 guests.
And many of the guests were family and didn't have their own plus one.
And it consisted of a simple ceremony and a nice lunch.
I certainly wouldn't have been impressed if DH had suggested he wasn't able to travel alone or stay in a hotel alone.

Weddings are about the bride & groom and your relationship with them. Attending somebody else's wedding doesn't add meaning to your own relationship.

As for inviting him to smooth things over for the future doesn't that cut both ways?

ImAvingOops · 12/05/2023 07:29

I wouldn't invite him - you will just piss off all the other guests who are not bringing a plus one.

Let her sulk and either come or not. A sister who would rather miss her brother's wedding than he without a new boyfriend for 5 minutes is not someone you should bend for!
And you will resent feeling forced into having a stranger at your wedding.

CrackerAndPudding · 12/05/2023 09:17

I'd love to hear from the posters saying to invite them on who they think should be uninvited to free up the space? As the OP has said, numbers for the venue and budget are strict so realistically who should be dropped?

If SIL would refuse to go because she didn't get a plus one at a wedding where no plus ones are offered, for a new boyfriend neither the bride or groom have met, in a venue where numbers are so limited the logistics mean someone who is close to the b&g would need to be dropped then shit family relations sounds like a better outcome than being blackmailed by a selfish brat.

Zonder · 12/05/2023 10:39

I don't think he should be invited but I do feel for the sil a bit that she might be the only one without a partner there.

This was interesting:
Because of the size nobody's getting plus ones - the partners/spouses being invited are all people we know personally. Apart from our parents and one set of grandparents/aunts/uncles each no other spouses anyway.
If there's only 30 going, parents and grandparents have partners there (obviously) and people whose partners you know. That can't be far off the max 15 couples.

MistyMountainTop · 12/05/2023 10:43

Zonder · 12/05/2023 10:39

I don't think he should be invited but I do feel for the sil a bit that she might be the only one without a partner there.

This was interesting:
Because of the size nobody's getting plus ones - the partners/spouses being invited are all people we know personally. Apart from our parents and one set of grandparents/aunts/uncles each no other spouses anyway.
If there's only 30 going, parents and grandparents have partners there (obviously) and people whose partners you know. That can't be far off the max 15 couples.

There could be several people without a partner 🤷‍♀️ One set each of the above makes 8 couples, which is 16 people.

MistyMountainTop · 12/05/2023 10:49

And surely the sister must know her parents, aunt, uncle and grandparents - so that makes 8 people plus the bride & groom that she knows. I went to many weddings in my youth without a partner and still had a good time rather than feeling the odd one out. Thinking about it, I must have gone to more weddings unpartnered than with someone. Are people so unresiliant that they can't cope with only their parents, grandparents, aunts & uncles around them?

Zonder · 12/05/2023 11:02

I'm thinking
B&G
B's m&d
G's m&d
B's GPs
G's GPs
B's aunt and uncle
G's aunt and uncle
That's already 14 plus any friends where they know both of the couples.

But no, I still don't think he should be invited. SIL is probably aware all these other family members have partners going - and needs to remember they are a bit more long-standing!

Original poster
ALegennnrgaOf · 12/05/2023 11:05

Zonder · 12/05/2023 11:02

I'm thinking
B&G
B's m&d
G's m&d
B's GPs
G's GPs
B's aunt and uncle
G's aunt and uncle
That's already 14 plus any friends where they know both of the couples.

But no, I still don't think he should be invited. SIL is probably aware all these other family members have partners going - and needs to remember they are a bit more long-standing!

Wrong. Not going to post a detailed guest list but one set of grandparents, the rest I just listed as an example of 'other relatives'. And they are not all in couples! One aunt for example is divorced. Own invite. No plus one.

OP posts:
Original poster
ALegennnrgaOf · 12/05/2023 11:11

Also @Zonder nobody is being invited 'as a couple'. For example we have some friends in a hobby group in which 2 people are dating. All are invited and I'd expect them all to socialise as a group, not be in little 'couple bubbles'. Just like how it is normally.

OP posts:
RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 12/05/2023 11:12

Had it been a big wedding i'd say just invite him, you won't even notice him.

Small wedding on 30 people including you both, no chance. Not when you've never met him.

Soontobe60 · 12/05/2023 11:14

ALegennnrgaOf · 11/05/2023 21:41

I've already stated in the OP - only those we know personally. A few people will have partners but only because we know them as a couple.

Also... she doesn't have to pay a penny! Her parents are footing the entire bill, transport, accommodation if needed, food.

Show quote history

So you're definitely being ridiculous!
If you're footing the whole bill then I can understand that you invite whom you want. But you're not. So send him an invite.