Page 8 | AIBU to not invite future SIL's boyfriend to wedding?

ALegennnrgaOf · 2023-05-11T19:34:02+00:00

We're having a small wedding of 30 people (including us, B&G). Short ceremony going straight into a reception lunch. No evening do. Future SIL is threatening to not turn up unless her boyfriend is invited too. Are we being U to say no anyway. If she doesn't turn up so be it. Because of the size nobody's getting plus ones - the partners/spouses being invited are all people we know personally. Apart from our parents and one set of grandparents/aunts/uncles each no other spouses anyway. Her reasoning is that she doesn't want to travel and stay in a room 'without her boyfriend' but she's not going to be alone - she'll be with her parents! They don't need to stay over anyway as their family home is less than an hour's drive from the venue but if they do sleeping in a single room next to her parents/sharing an AirBnb is hardly the challenge of the century. Also... we've never met the boyfriend. They got together recently, live together (same room in a student house share). He'll be the only guest that we don't know - would be pretty boring for him as well! Thoughts?

Gothambutnotahamster · 12/05/2023 18:26

ReliantRobyn · 12/05/2023 18:23

Invite just the boyfriend but not SIL

That would be funny - give her that option as you assume she'll give up her own seat or whose seat is she wanting to give him?!!

(Although I'd still invite him to save future family relations!)

SemperIdem · 12/05/2023 18:27

Soontobe60 · 12/05/2023 18:20

For those of you using the term ‘spoiled brat’ about a young woman who wants her partner whom she is living with to escort her to her own brother’s wedding - shame on you!
The OP clearly doesn’t like her soon-to-be sister-in-law. She’s using excuses to make sure the SIL doesn’t get to bring him, when in reality she just doesn’t seem to like him, even though she says shes not even met him.
That’s not a great start to building a new family.

A boyfriend of 3 months is not a partner. Don’t be so ridiculous.

Original poster

ALegennnrgaOf · 12/05/2023 18:29

Peach0123 · 12/05/2023 18:18

Omg some of the replies on this are unreal. I personally don't understand why people go Batshit and entitled over other peoples wedding day.

Stick to your guns op, like another poster mentioned, it's setting boundaries and going forward your not part of letting SIL dictate everything. It's not unreasonable to not invite someone you haven't even met to your intimate wedding. Would be a swift fuck off from me. Your DP isn't even close with the sister and a relationship of a few months. Nope. You can always meet him another time and get to know him if you wish.

Also, your wedding sounds like what we are going to have, small, intimate and not getting in debt for silly things. It's about you both and close family and friends. Have a lovely day 💐

Aww brilliant! Thank you, and I hope you enjoy your day too.
Smaller weddings are becoming more popular but a lot of people still don't seem to get it. Especially when life in general is just more expensive.

OP posts:

Notonthestairs · 12/05/2023 18:32

Soontobe60 · 12/05/2023 18:20

For those of you using the term ‘spoiled brat’ about a young woman who wants her partner whom she is living with to escort her to her own brother’s wedding - shame on you!
The OP clearly doesn’t like her soon-to-be sister-in-law. She’s using excuses to make sure the SIL doesn’t get to bring him, when in reality she just doesn’t seem to like him, even though she says shes not even met him.
That’s not a great start to building a new family.

OR just maybe SIL could cut her brother some slack knowing as she does that it's a very small guest list and will occupy perhaps 4 hours of a day (1 hour ceremony, 3 hour lunch).

Insisting somebody else is bumped off the list to accommodate man neither bride nor groom has met doesn't exactly suggest the SIL cares much for family unity.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 12/05/2023 18:34

Giving up by page six!

I do love Mumsnet,it’s like a portal to a distant universe. Someone posts to ask a fairly simple question ,,(hoping not to be patronising here) cogently and coherently expressed, with all the relevant information.

And within ten minutes we have people suggesting that the OP should double her wedding budget, threatening doom on her future relationship with her family, people slapping their adult children on the face, falling over plant pots while drunk and inviting people who go on to murder each other. Plus the usual hangers on who have their own axe to grind and certainly grind it sharp.

OP, you seem to me like a very sensible and rational person with a pretty straightforward attitude to life. I hope you have a lovely day, and I wish you every happiness in your marriage.

Original poster

ALegennnrgaOf · 12/05/2023 18:35

Gothambutnotahamster · 12/05/2023 18:26

That would be funny - give her that option as you assume she'll give up her own seat or whose seat is she wanting to give him?!!

(Although I'd still invite him to save future family relations!)

Show quote history

Hahaha well I don't think it would be much fun for him either, which is the odd part. Him being there would benefit nobody except for SIL.

OP posts:

TolkiensFallow · 12/05/2023 18:46

I stand with you OP.

IsItThough · 12/05/2023 18:53

Do you have to de-invite someone? In which case that's a no

BUT, and I actually have every sympathy for your position, I think it is more important for the groom's sister to be at the wedding than for the boyfriend not to be. I know she could come alone, and is welcome, but for whateverwhateverdaftreasons she won't, or is threatening not to. I also don't tend to want to give into blackmail - however - long view, it's the rest of all your lives that she wont have been there. MIL clearly bothered and upset. Bored boyfriend, may be a distant memory.

Original poster

ALegennnrgaOf · 12/05/2023 19:04

IsItThough · 12/05/2023 18:53

Do you have to de-invite someone? In which case that's a no

BUT, and I actually have every sympathy for your position, I think it is more important for the groom's sister to be at the wedding than for the boyfriend not to be. I know she could come alone, and is welcome, but for whateverwhateverdaftreasons she won't, or is threatening not to. I also don't tend to want to give into blackmail - however - long view, it's the rest of all your lives that she wont have been there. MIL clearly bothered and upset. Bored boyfriend, may be a distant memory.

The decision has been made. But if you're bored / have a little bit of time to kill tonight - have a scroll of my previous updates and see if you can spot why Fiancé doesn't particularly care about his sister's absence or his mother being upset.

Gosh, I've replied a lot haven't I? Wonder if there's an 'active OPs' award on this place.

OP posts:

Original poster

ALegennnrgaOf · 12/05/2023 19:05

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 12/05/2023 18:34

Giving up by page six!

I do love Mumsnet,it’s like a portal to a distant universe. Someone posts to ask a fairly simple question ,,(hoping not to be patronising here) cogently and coherently expressed, with all the relevant information.

And within ten minutes we have people suggesting that the OP should double her wedding budget, threatening doom on her future relationship with her family, people slapping their adult children on the face, falling over plant pots while drunk and inviting people who go on to murder each other. Plus the usual hangers on who have their own axe to grind and certainly grind it sharp.

OP, you seem to me like a very sensible and rational person with a pretty straightforward attitude to life. I hope you have a lovely day, and I wish you every happiness in your marriage.

You have a way with words ;)

And thank you. This thread has been very helpful and amusing at the same time...

OP posts:

SunnySaturdayMorning · 12/05/2023 19:07

YANBU. They’re not married so of course you shouldn’t have to have randoms at your wedding.

Nanny0gg · 12/05/2023 19:28

Pseudonamed · 11/05/2023 23:27

You really and truly could not add ONE more human to the booking? The venue are that tight with space?

Places have a capacity

I would have thought for insurance purposes as well as comfort, you can't exceed them

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 12/05/2023 19:32

For those of you using the term ‘spoiled brat’ about a young woman who wants her partner whom she is living with to escort her to her own brother’s wedding - shame on you!

”Shame on you” 😆😆😆 Fucking hysterical!

piedbeauty · 12/05/2023 19:34

Your wedding, your rules! If you have never met him, you don't need to invite him and SIL is being ridiculous. It's not like you're having 300 people at your wedding and you wouldn't notice one extra. But she is being very rude indeed.

Nanny0gg · 12/05/2023 19:37

@ALegennnrgaOf

Tell your fiancé to message 'No ring, no bring'

Works for the Upper Crust 😂

LovedFedAndNoonesDead · 13/05/2023 06:40

Soontobe60 · 12/05/2023 11:14

So you're definitely being ridiculous!
If you're footing the whole bill then I can understand that you invite whom you want. But you're not. So send him an invite.

Show quote history

I read the bit about the PIL paying transport, accommodation and food for their DD to mean they were paying the expenses for them as a family to attend the wedding - not that they were paying for the wedding!!

Gothambutnotahamster · 13/05/2023 07:47

The Op has said multiple times over that they're paying for the wedding themselves. Her in laws are only paying to attend as guests and are paying for their daughter also, so it's not costing the SIL money to attend.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/05/2023 07:55

I had a teeny wedding too, max capacity 28 (Inc me and dh). We kept it simple for attendees- immediate family, best friend each and their partners, and mutual friends of me and dh.

We specifically didn't invite - anyone we had never met, anyone whose surname we didn't know, anyone who we would only ever make small talk with.

We wanted (and got) a small room full of people we were very close with. That was our comfort level - financially and mentally.

Absoloutley no way would your SILs boyfriend have made the cut at our wedding and I'd remain entirely comfortable with that.

DGay · 13/05/2023 19:02

ReliantRobyn · 12/05/2023 18:23

Invite just the boyfriend but not SIL

😆 🤣 😂

BreadInCaptivity · 13/05/2023 19:36

Stick to your guns OP.

Also had a similar size wedding (40) and had the same policy.

Personally I wouldn't have even offered for him to be on the drop out list.

In my situation there would have been about 20 other people I actually liked/knew I would have given a space to before a boyfriend of a few months.

From your and DH's perspective he's just a random bloke your SIL has been dating for a few months.

In a reverse situation if I hadn't been invited to a wedding in the early stages of DH and our relationship I wouldn't have been even slightly bothered (probably actually relived) and there is a 50/50 chance as least the boyfriend feels the same way.

When this issue was raised with us, our response was that we wanted this special day to be a small intimate occasion, surrounded by the people we were closest to. In choosing whom to invite, we were consistent in prioritising people with whom we had longstanding, loving relationships.

Making exceptions, is not possible not just because we at the capacity of the venue and we would have to rudely uninvite a person special to us in favour of someone we don't know, but also because it raises the possibly of wider resentment among guests as to why one person was treated differently re: their plus one and frankly that's a level of negativity we are not prepared to risk tarnishing the occasion.