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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not invite future SIL's boyfriend to wedding?

195 replies

ALegennnrgaOf · 11/05/2023 20:34

We're having a small wedding of 30 people (including us, B&G). Short ceremony going straight into a reception lunch. No evening do.
Future SIL is threatening to not turn up unless her boyfriend is invited too. Are we being U to say no anyway. If she doesn't turn up so be it.

Because of the size nobody's getting plus ones - the partners/spouses being invited are all people we know personally. Apart from our parents and one set of grandparents/aunts/uncles each no other spouses anyway.

Her reasoning is that she doesn't want to travel and stay in a room 'without her boyfriend' but she's not going to be alone - she'll be with her parents! They don't need to stay over anyway as their family home is less than an hour's drive from the venue but if they do sleeping in a single room next to her parents/sharing an AirBnb is hardly the challenge of the century.

Also... we've never met the boyfriend. They got together recently, live together (same room in a student house share). He'll be the only guest that we don't know - would be pretty boring for him as well!

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
ALegennnrgaOf · 11/05/2023 23:20

SkaneTos · 11/05/2023 23:16

Invite him.
Once upon a time, you and your future husband were girlfriend and boyfriend.

Of course, and I wouldn't have expected an invite 😊

OP posts:
MistyMountainTop · 11/05/2023 23:21

SkaneTos · 11/05/2023 23:16

Invite him.
Once upon a time, you and your future husband were girlfriend and boyfriend.

I'm assuming that you've read the whole thread where the OP says that it's a small intimate do with only 30 guests, and to increase capacity, they'd have to pay more than they can afford. Who do you suggest gets uninvited? Auntie Doris? Uncle Harold? Or as I suggested, MIL?

englishsparklingwine · 11/05/2023 23:21

I'm in a similar situation. Capitulating as they feel strongly about it and honestly not worth the hassle. But also, I've been asked to weddings (admittedly big ones and far away) without fiancé and it is a bit rubbish... so I do get where they're coming from. Maybe make a point of saying you need to meet their partner soon and as long as you get on, then invite them?

Original poster
ALegennnrgaOf · 11/05/2023 23:27

DeoForty · 11/05/2023 23:18

I don't think YABU at all. She isn't going to be alone. You haven't met him. It's a very small wedding. But, I think for a quiet life, I'd just invite him. She's a close relative, she's presumably quite young and maybe fails to understand the nuance in the guest list. Unless you think your PiL could have a word and explain it, AND for her to understand, accept and embrace your decision, it might just be easier to invite him...

And to @bunchofforgetmenots

The decision has already been made. but just because it's interesting...

People are looking at it the wrong way. It's not so much a question of inviting him, but disinviting somebody else.

OP posts:
Pseudonamed · 11/05/2023 23:27

You really and truly could not add ONE more human to the booking? The venue are that tight with space?

Original poster
ALegennnrgaOf · 11/05/2023 23:28

MistyMountainTop · 11/05/2023 23:21

I'm assuming that you've read the whole thread where the OP says that it's a small intimate do with only 30 guests, and to increase capacity, they'd have to pay more than they can afford. Who do you suggest gets uninvited? Auntie Doris? Uncle Harold? Or as I suggested, MIL?

Show quote history

You're one of my favourite posters on this thread 😎
We hope she will behave herself at the wedding. Luckily it's only a few hours, that should be doable

OP posts:
Original poster
ALegennnrgaOf · 11/05/2023 23:34

Pseudonamed · 11/05/2023 23:27

You really and truly could not add ONE more human to the booking? The venue are that tight with space?

Most wedding venues are very strict with limits - it's to do with fire safety regulations and they could lose their license if emergency services were called and the limit was broken.
There are lots of threads on here, even things like 'babes in arms' count as a person although they don't physically need a seat.

It's not a restaurant where you can just 'pull up a chair'.... or a field, where you can just lay a picnic blanket!

it's actually very, very hard to organise a small wedding. You can't just hire a larger venue, because they have a minimum spend which is equivalent to my entire wedding budget. Even my dress is second hand and costs under a £100....

OP posts:
WomanStanleyWoman2 · 11/05/2023 23:35

SkaneTos · 11/05/2023 23:16

Invite him.
Once upon a time, you and your future husband were girlfriend and boyfriend.

So what? It wouldn’t make their upcoming marriage any less valid or special if, several years ago in the early days of their relationship, one of them went to a wedding alone.

DreamTheMoors · 11/05/2023 23:36

I was single until I was 30. My sister had 2 weddings, my brother 1.
I went alone to each one and here I am, alive to tell the tale, 25 years later.
Let your sister have her tizzy and stay behind or let behave like a grownup and attend by herself.
Worse things have happened in the history of weddings.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/05/2023 00:04

strawberry2017 · 11/05/2023 20:39

Your wedding your choice!

I think the point is, how much does fDH Want her there as its also his wedding, his sister, his family fall out.

Is she the only young one there?

SleepingStandingUp · 12/05/2023 00:11

CheersForThatEh · 11/05/2023 21:50

Voted YABU because shes family and he might be one day, just do the nice thing for her and avoid the drama.

Yanbu to want who you want there but you cant really tell immediate family they cant bring a plus 1. If numbers are so tight that you cant invite immediate family and their plus 1s then your wedding needs to be a bit bigger.

So OP and her DP should not get married if the 2month bf can't come? What if he's invited but can't make the date, should they reschedule?

Pseudonamed · 12/05/2023 00:25

@SleepingStandingUp where did you get 2 month from? She said they are living together. Granted she did say in students quarters but they are living together under the one roof in the one room so that to me seems to be a bit longer of a relationship than 2 months.

Pseudonamed · 12/05/2023 00:27

I should probably walk away from this thread as it brings up bad memories. My family was destroyed over it to be honest. People may joke and laugh and do the whole skit on it but we all started out as 'the girlfriend or the boyfriend' and many have ended up as the one organising the wedding and seeing these people and having them in our lives and kids lives for the rest of it. It can really pull families apart.

pinkyredrose · 12/05/2023 00:34

Pseudonamed · 11/05/2023 22:00

No I am a grown ass woman and we had been together almost 2 years at the time. The reason the bride used was the same though - did not know my dp but we were an item before they announced their wedding so plenty of time to get to know him they just were awkward and decided not to bother.

Show quote history

Hardly the same scenario is it.

yourenottheboss · 12/05/2023 00:34

user4750 · 11/05/2023 20:38

They live together. You should invite him.

It's not as if they have bought a house together. They share a student property.

Your SIL needs to grow up. Do NOT invite the boyfriend.

Pseudonamed · 12/05/2023 00:39

pinkyredrose · 12/05/2023 00:34

Hardly the same scenario is it.

Show quote history

True my brother and his wife were quite nasty towards me at the time as we were living in a partnered relationship BEFORE they announced their wedding. It is the excluding that I cannot understand and rocks me. They even lied about how many could be brought to the venue (they said 40, we ourselves now have the same place booked and it can be up to 100 depending on the room) just to exclude the person that made me happy. None of my family can get over it but of course theres a history of my brother putting me down so as the OP stated I am possibly projecting.

pinkyredrose · 12/05/2023 00:40

SkaneTos · 11/05/2023 23:16

Invite him.
Once upon a time, you and your future husband were girlfriend and boyfriend.

Once upon a time 😂

Weddings do tend to bring the worst out in those with lack of critical thinking skills.

OP of course you shouldn't give in to her whining.

myladybelle · 12/05/2023 00:52

I would invite him. How stingy can you be? Yes your SIL is unreasonable to throw an ultimatum. But this is going to be YOUR family. Take the high road. Life and marriage is about compromise.

Marzipananne · 12/05/2023 01:02

If no one else is getting plus ones it's fair enough. We did similar only long standing spouses of siblings were invited as plus ones because it was small. My bridesmaid insisted on having her new boyfriend even though she was travelling with my family and they were paying for hotel everything. He cheated on her a few months later and they broke up. My husband's brother's wife made the most almighty fuss because her mum wasn't invited to the intimate day do. She was invited to the night do. She threw a fit that dragged on then rang me screamed at me and told me she wasn't coming if her mum couldn't and as I was clearly too poor for a big wedding to give the seat to someone else. I clarified her wishes when she was calner and invited another dear friend (whose boyfriend totally understood he was only coming to the night do ... Involved more free food and drink . ) Anyway husband's brother's wife at the last minute decided she wanted to come and threw another wobbly. I found out she did the same thing with husband's sisters wedding only that time the mum was invited so she wanted her sister to come. Some people are never happy! They hate they aren't the centre of attention and make it about them. Enjoy your day your way

lemonchiffonpie · 12/05/2023 01:41

Because of the size nobody's getting plus ones - the partners/spouses being invited are all people we know personally.

That's pretty clear cut. If she can't understand that and wants to throw a tantrum then she can stay home with her boyfriend.

Guavafish1 · 12/05/2023 02:58

I think invite but don't have him in wedding photos

Reason to invite him, as SIL wants a plus onw. It will save on the agro I would allow it.

FoundTheProblem · 12/05/2023 03:07

optimisticchanger · 11/05/2023 20:36

I think you should invite him.

Found the SIL

Lovethatforyou · 12/05/2023 03:28

I would invite him. I think it’s unkind to your SIL not to… and a bit dismissive of her.

caringcarer · 12/05/2023 03:33

If you are having a very small intimate wedding then just invite the groom's sister and she either chooses to come or not. If inviting him would mean one of your own friends could not be invited, then I know who I'd choose to come.

PollyPeptide · 12/05/2023 03:35

I wouldn't be getting involved with this at all. I'd leave it to my husband to fight over it and I'd remain stress free and looking gorgeous for my wedding.

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