Page 7 | AIBU to not invite future SIL's boyfriend to wedding?

ALegennnrgaOf · 2023-05-11T19:34:02+00:00

We're having a small wedding of 30 people (including us, B&G). Short ceremony going straight into a reception lunch. No evening do. Future SIL is threatening to not turn up unless her boyfriend is invited too. Are we being U to say no anyway. If she doesn't turn up so be it. Because of the size nobody's getting plus ones - the partners/spouses being invited are all people we know personally. Apart from our parents and one set of grandparents/aunts/uncles each no other spouses anyway. Her reasoning is that she doesn't want to travel and stay in a room 'without her boyfriend' but she's not going to be alone - she'll be with her parents! They don't need to stay over anyway as their family home is less than an hour's drive from the venue but if they do sleeping in a single room next to her parents/sharing an AirBnb is hardly the challenge of the century. Also... we've never met the boyfriend. They got together recently, live together (same room in a student house share). He'll be the only guest that we don't know - would be pretty boring for him as well! Thoughts?

Pseudonamed · 12/05/2023 16:28

@Cantstandbullshitanymore as you quoted me I have come back to say I was only giving a different viewpoint and perception due to my own experience. No more no less. Anyway the OP has made her decision so as I said I hope it all goes well.

Sphagnummoss · 12/05/2023 16:32

RelentlessForwardProgress · 11/05/2023 20:38

We had this. We capitulated, mainly due to parental sulking. The Boyfriend got drunk, made a spectacle of himself, tripped over a flower pot and had to be taken home by the best man.

It was all over and he'd been dumped by SIL by the time we got back from honeymoon and i've never seen or heard of him since. Would be no skin off my nose except.....He's front and centre in all the wedding photos, and I don't have a single one of the family grouping without his face in it which makes me sad. If you have to give in, come up with a strategy so he isn't in the important photos!

You could get him edited out. I belong to a photo editing group and people often ask for people to be removed from group photos.

Good idea is to put people like that on the end of the line so they can be edited out very easily.

OP, stay resolved. Future SIL is being rather OTT

ThatFraggle · 12/05/2023 16:34

Pseudonamed · 12/05/2023 16:28

@Cantstandbullshitanymore as you quoted me I have come back to say I was only giving a different viewpoint and perception due to my own experience. No more no less. Anyway the OP has made her decision so as I said I hope it all goes well.

We've all told you that your viewpoint isn't relevant here because: (1)you were a long term partner and (2) you were deliberately excluded out of spite (3) from an event where there was plenty of space for you to have been invited.

None of those things apply here.

Sorry that you were hurt by your in laws. But this thread isn't the place for you to keep banging on about it.

Pseudonamed · 12/05/2023 16:37

@ThatFraggle I only came back on to respond to a poster who named me. I could not give a stuff about the thread. The op has made her decision, I do not see what anyone can add further to that as she just wanted to know whether we thought she was being unreasonable or not and she got an answer.

Effieswig · 12/05/2023 16:50

You are doing the right thing. It’s not kind to invite someone to meet their new girlfriends family at an event like a wedding. I doubt he is that fussed either.

I would tell her no and if she doesn’t come, she doesn’t come.

drpet49 · 12/05/2023 17:15

mbosnz · 11/05/2023 20:40

I wouldn't invite him. You don't know him, have never met him, they've only recently got together (will they still be together?), she will know plenty at the wedding, including her family. They don't need to stay over, if they do, if she's big enough to be in a student flat share, she's big enough either to have a room on her own, or share with her parents.

This. I would never invite someone I hadn’t met. Especially to a small wedding of 30

saraclara · 12/05/2023 17:15

He should keep it simple

'Sis, if I invite your boyfriend, who I've never met, I have to disinvite a close friend that I've known for years. That's simply not a fair thing for you to ask me to do'

Rainbowshine · 12/05/2023 17:47

I’m staggering at what you said that’s not been picked up by others about your MIL…

His mother once got pissed off when we were all on holiday and gave him a tight slap across the face, in front of me.

You also mentioned that the SIL is the golden child.

I think in that dynamic it is important to set the boundaries and remain united and consistent in what you say about the plus one.

This is just the start of navigating family events and if you’re clear that you’re not pushovers then hopefully you’ll not have too many challenges - they’ll maybe realise they can’t dictate things so much.

GeekyThings · 12/05/2023 17:57

As usual, going against the grain here, albeit slightly - YANBU about inviting whomever you want, because it's your wedding. But your future SIL is also NBU to not come to the wedding and to think you're unreasonable for not inviting her partner. Because that's what he is - if they live together, even if it's just in a shared student house, then they're partners. It isn't the same as a boyfriend and girlfriend who don't live together.

Comparing not inviting him to not inviting your divorced aunt's plus one is disingenuous because she's divorced, I'm presuming she doesn't currently have a partner. And if she did, and that person lived with her, then you'd presumably invite them.

And that's where I think YABU - if your argument was solely based around the practicalities, for example you've already booked everything, the wedding is this weekend, and there's literally no way you could accommodate anyone else, then that seems completely reasonable to me. But your argument hinges on the fact that you're treating her live in partner as a fair weather FWB. He might be, but that's unlikely as they they cohabit, meaning her relationship with him to all intents and purposes is equal to any other member of your family and family to be. And if you understand that they might be offended if you excluded their partners, then I don't know why you think she's being unreasonable for being offended because you've excluded hers.

ThatFraggle · 12/05/2023 18:05

GeekyThings · 12/05/2023 17:57

As usual, going against the grain here, albeit slightly - YANBU about inviting whomever you want, because it's your wedding. But your future SIL is also NBU to not come to the wedding and to think you're unreasonable for not inviting her partner. Because that's what he is - if they live together, even if it's just in a shared student house, then they're partners. It isn't the same as a boyfriend and girlfriend who don't live together.

Comparing not inviting him to not inviting your divorced aunt's plus one is disingenuous because she's divorced, I'm presuming she doesn't currently have a partner. And if she did, and that person lived with her, then you'd presumably invite them.

And that's where I think YABU - if your argument was solely based around the practicalities, for example you've already booked everything, the wedding is this weekend, and there's literally no way you could accommodate anyone else, then that seems completely reasonable to me. But your argument hinges on the fact that you're treating her live in partner as a fair weather FWB. He might be, but that's unlikely as they they cohabit, meaning her relationship with him to all intents and purposes is equal to any other member of your family and family to be. And if you understand that they might be offended if you excluded their partners, then I don't know why you think she's being unreasonable for being offended because you've excluded hers.

Have you read the thread? OP is at maximum capacity and would have to bump a loved one to accommodate a stranger.

Notonthestairs · 12/05/2023 18:08

So Geeky are you suggesting the Op forks out for a bigger wedding package or her husband disinvites a friend/family member. Because those seem to be the alternatives.

The SIL hasn't said she was offended. She told MIL she wasn't prepared to travel or stay in a hotel room alone and therefore wouldn't attend. Which is her choice of course.

Iwasafool · 12/05/2023 18:09

ALegennnrgaOf · 11/05/2023 20:43

Hahahah!
Yeah, this is also one of my concerns. Of course, I know even people who were together can be divorced, blah2 but he's a virtual stranger.
I don't think I can keep him from being in the wedding photos as she'll probably drag him in.

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At a wedding I went to they did two of the important photos, one with boyfriend in and one identical without him. Was useful when they split up and the photos with him just disappeared. I suppose it cost more.

Soontobe60 · 12/05/2023 18:10

CrackerAndPudding · 12/05/2023 09:17

I'd love to hear from the posters saying to invite them on who they think should be uninvited to free up the space? As the OP has said, numbers for the venue and budget are strict so realistically who should be dropped?

If SIL would refuse to go because she didn't get a plus one at a wedding where no plus ones are offered, for a new boyfriend neither the bride or groom have met, in a venue where numbers are so limited the logistics mean someone who is close to the b&g would need to be dropped then shit family relations sounds like a better outcome than being blackmailed by a selfish brat.

OP didnt say anything about the budget being strict- just that her in-laws were paying for it.

Notonthestairs · 12/05/2023 18:13

"OP didnt say anything about the budget being strict- just that her in-laws were paying for it."

Her inlaws are paying for hotel accommodation. Not the wedding.

Zonder · 12/05/2023 18:14

Soontobe60 · 12/05/2023 18:10

OP didnt say anything about the budget being strict- just that her in-laws were paying for it.

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She did however say that if they wanted to have more than 30 they would need a whole different venue!

Original poster

ALegennnrgaOf · 12/05/2023 18:14

Soontobe60 · 12/05/2023 18:10

OP didnt say anything about the budget being strict- just that her in-laws were paying for it.

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You again!

You got the costs of attending and the wedding mixed up. There have been multiple posts about budget. I already replied to you saying that they were not paying a penny for the wedding, just footing the costs of being guests (like anybody else).

At least bother to read what you're quoted in before posting more, eh?

OP posts:

Soontobe60 · 12/05/2023 18:16

ALegennnrgaOf · 11/05/2023 23:34

Most wedding venues are very strict with limits - it's to do with fire safety regulations and they could lose their license if emergency services were called and the limit was broken.
There are lots of threads on here, even things like 'babes in arms' count as a person although they don't physically need a seat.

It's not a restaurant where you can just 'pull up a chair'.... or a field, where you can just lay a picnic blanket!

it's actually very, very hard to organise a small wedding. You can't just hire a larger venue, because they have a minimum spend which is equivalent to my entire wedding budget. Even my dress is second hand and costs under a £100....

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What sort of ‘wedding venue’ is it where they can only fit in precisely 30 people that isn't also a restaurant?

Peach0123 · 12/05/2023 18:18

Omg some of the replies on this are unreal. I personally don't understand why people go Batshit and entitled over other peoples wedding day.

Stick to your guns op, like another poster mentioned, it's setting boundaries and going forward your not part of letting SIL dictate everything. It's not unreasonable to not invite someone you haven't even met to your intimate wedding. Would be a swift fuck off from me. Your DP isn't even close with the sister and a relationship of a few months. Nope. You can always meet him another time and get to know him if you wish.

Also, your wedding sounds like what we are going to have, small, intimate and not getting in debt for silly things. It's about you both and close family and friends. Have a lovely day 💐

Gothambutnotahamster · 12/05/2023 18:18

optimisticchanger · 11/05/2023 20:45

I invited my future BIL partner to our wedding. They had only been together a few months but it seemed horribly petty not to and just a way to upset my husbands side of the family for the sake of saving £90. I'm glad I did, they are still together many years later and have children together.

When my cousin got married she didn't invite my sisters boyfriend. My sister is now married to him and it just made him feel unwelcome.

Yes, it's your wedding and yes she's acting like a brat - but this is your husbands family - why rock the boat when in the scheme of things it really won't affect your day?

I agree with this!

Notonthestairs · 12/05/2023 18:18

"What sort of ‘wedding venue’ is it where they can only fit in precisely 30 people that isn't also a restaurant?"

How is this relevant? It's a small wedding paid for the the Op & Groom. Lots of people choose small weddings or those packages wouldn't exist!

Soontobe60 · 12/05/2023 18:20

For those of you using the term ‘spoiled brat’ about a young woman who wants her partner whom she is living with to escort her to her own brother’s wedding - shame on you!
The OP clearly doesn’t like her soon-to-be sister-in-law. She’s using excuses to make sure the SIL doesn’t get to bring him, when in reality she just doesn’t seem to like him, even though she says shes not even met him.
That’s not a great start to building a new family.

Original poster

ALegennnrgaOf · 12/05/2023 18:22

Soontobe60 · 12/05/2023 18:20

For those of you using the term ‘spoiled brat’ about a young woman who wants her partner whom she is living with to escort her to her own brother’s wedding - shame on you!
The OP clearly doesn’t like her soon-to-be sister-in-law. She’s using excuses to make sure the SIL doesn’t get to bring him, when in reality she just doesn’t seem to like him, even though she says shes not even met him.
That’s not a great start to building a new family.

Shame on you. Not only have you not bothered to RTFT, you also seem incapable of using a search engine.
One of the first few results if you Google 'small wedding venue':
https://www.hitched.co.uk/wedding-planning/ceremony-and-reception/small-intimate-wedding-venues/#verysmall

The 57 Best Small Wedding Venues in the UK

Whether you're after a very small wedding venue for under 30 guests or something that still has character with 60 of your loved ones, we've found 57 places you're bound to fall in love with

https://www.hitched.co.uk/wedding-planning/ceremony-and-reception/small-intimate-wedding-venues#verysmall

OP posts:

ThatFraggle · 12/05/2023 18:22

Soontobe60 · 12/05/2023 18:16

What sort of ‘wedding venue’ is it where they can only fit in precisely 30 people that isn't also a restaurant?

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Are you twelve? What adult hasn't heard of wedding packages?

"We have the Rose Garden Room, which seats 30 and costs £3000. The other room is the ballroom which is £8000 and seats 300." And so on.

For fire safety rules etc. There are maximum numbers.

Perhaps the venue can be persuaded to allow 31.

But OP has repeatedly said they want an intimate wedding with only people close to them. Immediate family and close friends.

Original poster

ALegennnrgaOf · 12/05/2023 18:22

Also @Soontobe60 .. escort? It's 2023, not 1903. Nobody needs to be escorted anywhere.

OP posts:

ReliantRobyn · 12/05/2023 18:23

Invite just the boyfriend but not SIL