AIBU to not invite future SIL's boyfriend to wedding?

[ALegennnrgaOf]

We're having a small wedding of 30 people (including us, B&G). Short ceremony going straight into a reception lunch. No evening do.
Future SIL is threatening to not turn up unless her boyfriend is invited too. Are we being U to say no anyway. If she doesn't turn up so be it.

Because of the size nobody's getting plus ones - the partners/spouses being invited are all people we know personally. Apart from our parents and one set of grandparents/aunts/uncles each no other spouses anyway.

Her reasoning is that she doesn't want to travel and stay in a room 'without her boyfriend' but she's not going to be alone - she'll be with her parents! They don't need to stay over anyway as their family home is less than an hour's drive from the venue but if they do sleeping in a single room next to her parents/sharing an AirBnb is hardly the challenge of the century.

Also... we've never met the boyfriend. They got together recently, live together (same room in a student house share). He'll be the only guest that we don't know - would be pretty boring for him as well!

Thoughts?

Are you smoking something?

Because of the size nobody's getting plus ones - the partners/spouses being invited are all people we know personally. Apart from our parents and one set of grandparents/aunts/uncles each no other spouses anyway

So, theres you and DP = 2
Both sets of parents = 4
Grandparents = 4
Aunts/uncles = 4
So already thats 7 pairs - 14 people.
Then theres the friends with partners that you know both personally = at least 4 people

So far, the total is 18 people in couples leaving 12 people not in couples. The majority of guests are with their partner.

Eh? The OP said her in-laws are paying for the wedding, but she’s staying their own daughter cant bring her partner. I can imagine how well that would go down in lots of families.

Does SIL get on with the rest of the family? If she does not then she really would feel like a spare on her own. I don't have contact with most of mine and especially since my brothers wedding and would have felt totally unsupported and alone had I gone alone even though my divorced parents were there giving each other daggers looks from across the room!

Soontobe60 who should be uninvited to make room? Brides mother / Her best pal? Who would you drop given the number limits?

I was agreeing he shouldn't be invited but trying to see why SIL would fell differently. It can help to do that so you know how to respond in a peaceful way while standing your ground. It doesn't seem like you're up for that.

No I wouldn’t invite him. I wouldn’t feel bad either. It’s SIL making the ultimatums here. I would ask is she sure as I intend to invite someone else In her place if she isn’t coming along😂
I do however remember not attending a cousins wedding my 16 year long partner wasn’t invited to(still together now). It wasn’t a spite thing I just genuinely didn’t want to go alone as I wasn’t close to that side of the family and so didn’t really know people at it. I’m sure they were relieved as it meant someone could go in my place 🤷🏼‍♀️ The solo invite was also due to a guest limit so I figured I was only invited in a sense of obligation anyway! I in no way hold a grudge about it today so she is being ridiculous as a sister refusing to attend without him !!!

Eh? They're not paying a penny for the wedding (if they had, maybe we'd have a bigger budget and none of these issues!).
That post was about the costs of attending as guest. Surely that's obvious?

Kindly, @Pseudonamed you are just embarrassing yourself at this rate. You stated several posts ago you'd bow out, admitted that you were projecting etc etc but you're still on here. Now you're still clutching at straws despite the majority voting YANBU and several others making very valid points.

I understand you were very hurt, and this is personal to you, but your snubbing siblings/divorced parents etc etc is irrelevant here. I don't think this thread is good for your mental health so maybe it's best if you just hide, and forget about it.

Just trying to give a different slant on things and seriously do NOT mention mine or anyone elses mental health. It is a vile thing to do. I can see you are convinced you are right not inviting him which I think is a spiteful thing to do but you have made your choice. Hope it all works out well in the end.

Pseudonamed your updates are increasingly ignoring the information shared by the OP and seem more like an online rant about your own family.

• Asking if she gets on with family vs op posting the SIL I'd already viewed as the golden child
• Sharing the story of you SIL deliberately giving only you no plus one vs the OP saying plus ones are not being given, the only couples there will be ones who both have a relationship with the b&g and that the reasons here are due to numbers and budget. Etc. Etc.

Feel free to continue to post, but your not giving any potential other angle or view here. You're describing (your own) utterly different story.

Ah I see the bandwagon has arrived, time for me to go then. Cheerio.

Yes, sorry - it does seem that I'm a bit combative. But the decision has already been made, so whatever reasons you give for SIL 'feeling differently' are probably what she will say (or, erm that her mother will come up with). So your responses to my response is quite useful. It's my fiancé who will have to sort it, and he is reading all of this, and is glad that he knows what 'reasons' to expect.

Ultimately if somebody has already made up their mind nothing is going to make them feel less 'hard done by'. Whether it's diplomacy, logic or emotion. She already knows all of the circumstances but is still insisting. Factually, financially, there is no room, so matter what someone 'feels' there's physically no space. The venue terms and conditions as well are all online, so there's nothing hidden.

I think DP is leaning towards just telling them the guest list is finalised, and grey rocking. It isn't a massive shock - this has already been going around in circles for a while. After a certain stage it just becomes a pointless back and forth.

Thank you!

Also thank you to everyone who has responded.
I'll probably post an update on here in a few days as to how it goes. But by then... I'm sure this won't be in trending anymore.

People who have written something will be notified.

When is the wedding? Is it in weeks, months, next year?

Even if you would have 2 people cancel at the latest moment...you'd still not want to invite future sil's boyfriend. Because you are being petty.

And so is your husband to be.

And the fact you made thread about it shows that even you had some doubts about if what you are doing is the right way to go about it.

Wonder how the rest of the family is going to look at this decision as well. You might be off to a wonderful start of this wedding into a new family 😆

Maybe you had people you didn't know at your wedding. Fine.

But OP wants only loved ones present. No strangers. That's not bizzare or unreasonable.

SparklyBlackKitten the op and her partner already offered to give SILs DP first refusal if someone can't make it. SIL wasn't happy with that.

I asked the same question.
When is the Wedding OP?

You missed the bit where OP’s fiancé is fully in favour of this decision.

It would be pretty pathetic for a group of adults to hold a grudge over someone the bride and groom don’t even know not being invited to their 30-guest wedding. As for the posters saying “But what if this sister and her boyfriend get married and are 2gether 4eva!!!” - so what? All it will mean was that hypothetical future BIL didn’t attend the wedding of someone he’d never met at the time. It’s hardly the stuff of PTSD.

Frankly it’s bizarre the number of people suggesting the sister’s boyfriend must be invited just in case he turns out to be the love of her life. If he does, he missed a small wedding in the early days - so what? If he doesn’t (which, let’s face it, is far more likely), OP and her fiancé will look back and feel disappointment that someone they actually wanted at their wedding had to miss out because of a selfish little girl’s long forgotten ex.

The most worrying thing about this scenario isn’t that your SIL is clearly a massive spoilt brat, it’s that other people agree with her that her boyfriend of 3 months should be invited to your small wedding.

Bonkers!

A few months away

Ask your DH who he wants to un-invite to accommodate his brat sister's demand.

If he shrugs then you get him to tell her NO. It is immediate family only and if she wants to put her own sulky wants over her brother's happiness then let her. She's a spoilt child and you do not have to entertain her.

YOUR day, YOUR rules.

Good response, @Pseudonamed needs to understand because she was excluded by people who wanted to hurt her doesn’t mean everyone else had to invite their BIL or SIL partners. Not inviting them doesn’t automatically mean OP is being mean or trying to humiliate them, it simply means she has a small wedding and has prioritized the people most important to her.