Page 2 | AIBU to not invite future SIL's boyfriend to wedding?

ALegennnrgaOf · 2023-05-11T19:34:02+00:00

We're having a small wedding of 30 people (including us, B&G). Short ceremony going straight into a reception lunch. No evening do. Future SIL is threatening to not turn up unless her boyfriend is invited too. Are we being U to say no anyway. If she doesn't turn up so be it. Because of the size nobody's getting plus ones - the partners/spouses being invited are all people we know personally. Apart from our parents and one set of grandparents/aunts/uncles each no other spouses anyway. Her reasoning is that she doesn't want to travel and stay in a room 'without her boyfriend' but she's not going to be alone - she'll be with her parents! They don't need to stay over anyway as their family home is less than an hour's drive from the venue but if they do sleeping in a single room next to her parents/sharing an AirBnb is hardly the challenge of the century. Also... we've never met the boyfriend. They got together recently, live together (same room in a student house share). He'll be the only guest that we don't know - would be pretty boring for him as well! Thoughts?

Dontbelieveaword · 11/05/2023 20:55

If she insists she needs someone to travel with and share accommodation with and plus the fact you're not having an evening reception, he can travel up with her and then they can meet up and do their own thing that night

MysteryBelle · 11/05/2023 21:10

I think given her reasons, I would invite him. Do you despise her? If so, fine. But if she’s a decent person, why not invite her partner? She is your husband-to-be’s sister. Why create hostility when there’s no good reason to?

Now, if she is a troublemaker or doesn’t support you, then I’m totally with you. But if that’s not the case, you’re being mean.

Pseudonamed · 11/05/2023 21:12

Depends on your relationship with her I guess. I would not invite a grown adult without a plus one especially someone so close to both of you familywise. If you do not have a great relationship then let her not come as you may not want her there anyway.

FirstFallopians · 11/05/2023 21:18

RelentlessForwardProgress · 11/05/2023 20:38

We had this. We capitulated, mainly due to parental sulking. The Boyfriend got drunk, made a spectacle of himself, tripped over a flower pot and had to be taken home by the best man.

It was all over and he'd been dumped by SIL by the time we got back from honeymoon and i've never seen or heard of him since. Would be no skin off my nose except.....He's front and centre in all the wedding photos, and I don't have a single one of the family grouping without his face in it which makes me sad. If you have to give in, come up with a strategy so he isn't in the important photos!

See this is what I don’t get!

I’ve been with DH 9 years, married for 7 and with two kids. I still wait until I’m asked to join the family photos at each wedding because I don’t want my face plastered over the all of the inlaws family group shots.

We weren’t tight on numbers at our own wedding- gave everyone a plus one. Going through our photos now is like playing Guess Who as so many of our friends then-relationships broke up and we never saw the ex again.

Original poster

ALegennnrgaOf · 11/05/2023 21:41

Starlitestarbright · 11/05/2023 20:48

Is that going for your friends partners aswell? Personally I wouldn't travel and pay for accommodation outfit gift etc if the invitation wasn't extended to my dh.

I've already stated in the OP - only those we know personally. A few people will have partners but only because we know them as a couple.

Also... she doesn't have to pay a penny! Her parents are footing the entire bill, transport, accommodation if needed, food.

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Original poster

ALegennnrgaOf · 11/05/2023 21:43

MysteryBelle · 11/05/2023 21:10

I think given her reasons, I would invite him. Do you despise her? If so, fine. But if she’s a decent person, why not invite her partner? She is your husband-to-be’s sister. Why create hostility when there’s no good reason to?

Now, if she is a troublemaker or doesn’t support you, then I’m totally with you. But if that’s not the case, you’re being mean.

How is it mean to invite a stranger instead of someone I actually care about on my wedding day? We've got space for less than 10 friends each.

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Original poster

ALegennnrgaOf · 11/05/2023 21:46

batsandeggs · 11/05/2023 20:53

How old are they / how long have they been together?

I likely wouldn’t. As someone else said, him going means someone else can’t. If it’s likely to cause a big family fall out and you can make the extra space work then make sure he’s not in any official photos! But if your partner is fine with it then crack on, it’s your wedding.

A few months at this point.
Again, it would be different if we had a bigger wedding we'd have given her a plus one anyway. As it stands resources, and hence space is limited.

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lightlypoached · 11/05/2023 21:47

RelentlessForwardProgress · 11/05/2023 20:38

We had this. We capitulated, mainly due to parental sulking. The Boyfriend got drunk, made a spectacle of himself, tripped over a flower pot and had to be taken home by the best man.

It was all over and he'd been dumped by SIL by the time we got back from honeymoon and i've never seen or heard of him since. Would be no skin off my nose except.....He's front and centre in all the wedding photos, and I don't have a single one of the family grouping without his face in it which makes me sad. If you have to give in, come up with a strategy so he isn't in the important photos!

My sis had a weird ex boyfriend front and centre of a lovely rare family picture. We photoshopped him out and only a toe remains 😂😂😂😂

Chickychoccyegg · 11/05/2023 21:49

What does your husband to be think? It's his sister, so I'd likely let him make the final decision, saves her blaming you too 😉

CheersForThatEh · 11/05/2023 21:50

Voted YABU because shes family and he might be one day, just do the nice thing for her and avoid the drama.

Yanbu to want who you want there but you cant really tell immediate family they cant bring a plus 1. If numbers are so tight that you cant invite immediate family and their plus 1s then your wedding needs to be a bit bigger.

Original poster

ALegennnrgaOf · 11/05/2023 21:52

Also 85% YANBU at current count. Nice to know that I'm actually making sense

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WhatWeDoInTheShadow · 11/05/2023 21:53

It's totally up to you who you invite to your wedding. You could by all rights just have two randoms off the street.

However, it depends what your OH thinks? How much do they want their dsis at their wedding?

Original poster

ALegennnrgaOf · 11/05/2023 21:55

Chickychoccyegg · 11/05/2023 21:49

What does your husband to be think? It's his sister, so I'd likely let him make the final decision, saves her blaming you too 😉

He doesn't want to cave in. Also, she didn't ask him directly. First we heard of it was his mother telling him, then at a family lunch with me there she came out with the nonsense about the room.

They don't even speak outside of family functions.

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Pseudonamed · 11/05/2023 21:56

I disagree that you are making sense to be honest. I had this a few years back with a sibling and it divided the family. His wife did not want to invite my partner for no other reason than she wanted me to humiliate me and make me look like the only saddo there with no partner. I would not allow them to degrade me or my partner like that. Me and partner are still together. My brother has no real family left talking to him unfortunately.

Pseudonamed · 11/05/2023 21:57

@ALegennnrgaOf if they do not speak outside of social functions then why invite her to begin with? Is it for the look to the outside world to show they are united? Is it for the aesthetics of the pictures?

Gymrabbit · 11/05/2023 21:58

Pseudonamed

Were you a student who had been with your ‘partner’ only a few months?

Original poster

ALegennnrgaOf · 11/05/2023 21:58

CheersForThatEh · 11/05/2023 21:50

Voted YABU because shes family and he might be one day, just do the nice thing for her and avoid the drama.

Yanbu to want who you want there but you cant really tell immediate family they cant bring a plus 1. If numbers are so tight that you cant invite immediate family and their plus 1s then your wedding needs to be a bit bigger.

See, this is what I don't understand.
The purpose of a 'plus one' is to make sure that nobody's left on their own like a lemon, in a roomful of strangers. Even with our friends - they're coming as a group. Nobody's going to be sat alone.

Why must 'family' get a plus one? It's the opposite, isn't it? They will know more people than anybody else in the wedding, precisely because they are family.

Also ... how exactly do you propose we make our wedding bigger? Where's the money going to come from? We can't just shove an extra person in, 30 is the limit and a bigger venue would have a bigger minimum spend, doubling the cost.

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Pseudonamed · 11/05/2023 22:00

Gymrabbit · 11/05/2023 21:58

Pseudonamed

Were you a student who had been with your ‘partner’ only a few months?

No I am a grown ass woman and we had been together almost 2 years at the time. The reason the bride used was the same though - did not know my dp but we were an item before they announced their wedding so plenty of time to get to know him they just were awkward and decided not to bother.

readbooksdrinktea · 11/05/2023 22:00

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 11/05/2023 20:51

It's your DH's sister, not some distant cousin. Your wedding your choice and all that but you are setting the tone for shit family relations going forward iMO.

Agree with this.

toomuchlaundry · 11/05/2023 22:01

I bet he doesn't want to come

wiffin · 11/05/2023 22:02

She's the one creating hostility. Not you.

So you have a capacity of 30? Ask her who you should uninvited to enable her boyfriend to come.

Or offer first refusal in case somebody declines?

Original poster

ALegennnrgaOf · 11/05/2023 22:03

Pseudonamed · 11/05/2023 21:56

I disagree that you are making sense to be honest. I had this a few years back with a sibling and it divided the family. His wife did not want to invite my partner for no other reason than she wanted me to humiliate me and make me look like the only saddo there with no partner. I would not allow them to degrade me or my partner like that. Me and partner are still together. My brother has no real family left talking to him unfortunately.

Sorry to hear that you were treated like that but this isn't a 'partner'. It's a boyfriend of a few months.
Also, we have the opposite situation - no partners are invited.
Even among the aunts and uncles, a couple are divorced/widowed. All the extended family will be sat together in a group. For a 'few' hours :)

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Original poster

ALegennnrgaOf · 11/05/2023 22:04

wiffin · 11/05/2023 22:02

She's the one creating hostility. Not you.

So you have a capacity of 30? Ask her who you should uninvited to enable her boyfriend to come.

Or offer first refusal in case somebody declines?

Yes, we've offered that but she doesn't want it.

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ThatFraggle · 11/05/2023 22:06

ALegennnrgaOf · 11/05/2023 21:43

How is it mean to invite a stranger instead of someone I actually care about on my wedding day? We've got space for less than 10 friends each.

Show quote history

Maybe if you put it to SIL like that she will understand.

It needs to come from her own brother, not from 'bridezilla'.

Her brother sends this text:

"Chloe, I just wanted to talk to you about the wedding again. You are my little sister and it would mean so much for you to be there when Gina and I get married. Mum and Dad have said that they would pay for your room if you want to stay in Dundee overnight, but as it is less than an hour from your house you could make the journey back home afterwards if you preferred. I know you were worried you wouldn't know anyone, but just to remind you, there will be people you know. Of course you know Mum and Dad, Uncle Charlie and Moira, Grandma, Sean, Jim, Cathy and Raj. (List them all, so she can see the 'I won't know anyone' is BS). And hopefully you will get a chance to get to know some of the other important people in our lives.

I just wanted to remind you that we are on a very limited budget, and we wanted an intimate ceremony with only those people we love there. That means we each have invited ten friends, and none of those friends got a plus one. Some of the friends are couples, but we only invited both people if we know and love them both. I know you wanted Steve there, but the total number of guests is 30, and this number includes both families. If Steve comes, it means someone we love will be unable to attend.

We understand Steve is important in your life and we would love to get to know him. We get back from honeymoon on X date, and are back at work that week, so the following weekend, Saturday the third, we would love to take you and Steve out for dinner and get to know him better. You will be our first meal out as a married couple!

Please give me a call when you're free."

Original poster

ALegennnrgaOf · 11/05/2023 22:06

toomuchlaundry · 11/05/2023 22:01

I bet he doesn't want to come

Honestly, I do think it will be pretty boring for him. Sat there knowing only one person. And being the ONLY person in the room who's never set eyes on the B&G before.

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