To refuse to cover when my ex's partner gives birth?

[dadworld345]

My ex and his girlfriend have both been abusive to me. I left my ex due to his abuse. We have a 5 year old son together.

His girlfriend will have a baby soon. The ex constantly badgers me about the baby and how I should be grateful that he is giving our son a sibling. I try to ignore it.

I am my son's primary carer and I schedule important things and social events when my son is scheduled to be with his dad.

My ex and his girlfriend both have family in the area.

Ex demanded that I be on call to go pick up my son, including turning my phone on at night, if the girlfriend goes into labour. I told him he needs to sort himself out, though I did agree to cover some of the times when I am not working or sleeping.

He is now rumourmongering about me at school.

AIBU to tell him that he needs to find childcare if his gf goes into labour during one of the (infrequent) times he is responsible for our son?

How can you even for a moment think that you are being unreasonable?

He sounds like a wanker, OP, but gently I think YABU. This is one of the times I think it's ok to ask you to pick your DS up. I know I'd want to in this situation. If things locked off in the middle of the night and your DS had to sit with a random neighbour, wouldn't you want to collect him?

@Escapefromhell my ex has told me that other parents are shocked by my refusal and think that I am unreasonable.

However annoying it is, the main thing to consider is - why is best for your son?

Does he know girlfriend’s family? Ex’s family? Would they be capable of looking after him?

your son will no doubt have all sorts of feelings surface when girlfriend does go into labour, and you may well be the best person to help him.

*Kicked off.

*what is best, not why is best

I think YABU. Surely it would be much better for your child for you to collect him?

I think in your position I’d bank on being the fallback option and make preparations for that. I strongly suspect that whatever you say they need to do, they’ll either break contact arrangements around the due date to ensure DS isn’t in their care when the baby arrives, or dump him on your doorstep whether you have plans or not. The person who’s going to suffer here is your DS.

considered saying YANBU but this is a massive life changing event for your son and he will need his mum

Yabu

I'd pick up my child rather than risk them being dumped on a random cousin or neighbour in the middle of the night. You might hate your ex but child comes first.

including turning my phone on at night

Misses the point entirely but who in 2023 switches their phone off at night??

If your son barely sees his father how often does he see your ex's relatives? Surely you would want your son to be with you than your ex's gf's parents/ sibling etc?

I would collect him just because it's my child and I'd rather he was home than anywhere else.

I would do it, for your son is better to be with you that with friends or relatives from your ex.

Sorry YABU. This is a unique situation

Other parents are probably just agreeing in the hope the conversation will be over quickly and they can leave!

It’s weird that he thinks random school parents can validate his lack of responsibility.

@ElfDragon yes, my son knows the girlfriend's family and the ex's family. The ex has many friends who live nearby as well.

The ex is absolutely horrible to me and treats me like his servant. During these times, I have things scheduled during these times, like theatre events, a (likely boozy) 50th to attend, etc. Should I put my life on hold because my horrible ex and his horrible girlfriend decided to have a baby?

Isn’t your phone already on at night? If your son had an emergency you wouldn’t find out till the morning 😕

I think it’s best to see it as doing what’s best for your son rather than helping out your ex. Of course both those motivations may have the same outcome but that’s just how it is.

I think he's an arse and I can see why you'd want to be holding tight boundaries where he's concerned but in this instance I would go pick up ds because I'd worry about where else he'd end up if things happened quickly or earlier than expected and other plans fell through. So in this particular instance I would go with it but yanbu to have your guard up with him in general given his history towards you.

I would see it more as your son needing somewhere to go if they have to go to the hospital.

not because they have a baby, because your son will need YOU when they have a baby. Baby is just going to be born once... it's just one day.

People leave their phones on at night?

Ex used to rage at me if my phone made a peep after 10pm.

It’s not about doing something to help out your ex, it’s about prioritising what would be best for your child. Coming home to mum and his home is the preferable option here.

I guess it depends who ex has that your DC can go to if you refuse, and how well DC knows that person.
If there's a relative on exes side that DC is close to and would be happy to be sent to at short notice then yes, ex should absolutely arrange that. But if being sent to Great Auntie Gwens in the middle of the night would upset your DC then he should come home to you.

My ex just refused to see our joint DC for a couple of weeks before his wife's due date "just in case"
His relationship with the DC never really recovered.