To refuse to cover when my ex's partner gives birth?

[dadworld345]

My ex and his girlfriend have both been abusive to me. I left my ex due to his abuse. We have a 5 year old son together.

His girlfriend will have a baby soon. The ex constantly badgers me about the baby and how I should be grateful that he is giving our son a sibling. I try to ignore it.

I am my son's primary carer and I schedule important things and social events when my son is scheduled to be with his dad.

My ex and his girlfriend both have family in the area.

Ex demanded that I be on call to go pick up my son, including turning my phone on at night, if the girlfriend goes into labour. I told him he needs to sort himself out, though I did agree to cover some of the times when I am not working or sleeping.

He is now rumourmongering about me at school.

AIBU to tell him that he needs to find childcare if his gf goes into labour during one of the (infrequent) times he is responsible for our son?

I think in this one situation I would think about what was best for my child.

If your ex's partner goes into labour during the night, would you rather your son was dropped off with a neighbour or friend of your ex's, or even a family member? Or would you rather have him with you?

I know it's not the same because my husband and I are still together, but when I was making plans for going into hospital to have my second baby, I wanted my son to be looked after by the people he would be most comfortable with if he woke up in the morning to find both of us gone (which is what did in fact happen).

Who would your son be most comfortable with in that situation? I assume the answer is you.

Why would looking after your son's step sister be strange?
I am not saying you should or could but to call it strange is strange in itself.

Not really, my DPs ex is the last person I would ask to look after my DC. She has no relationship with them and has been actively hostile to me. It would be very strange indeed.

Oh dear lord. This isnt about getting pissed. You have a child OP, grow the hell up. Its highly unlikely to be that exact night and you are more than capable of telling friend you are absolutely intending on going but that circumstances may have to change should the baby make an appearance. Its not hard. Complete nonsense excuses to justify your tantrum.

I mean… if you are happy for your son to go to whomever Ex chooses to look after him, fine.
I’d imagine that he’d prefer to come home.
tell ex he can come and pick son up to go to hospital

Why is everyone forgetting that the most likely people he will go to is his ex's family? I agree with the PP who said I would base my decision on who would end up caring for him if I didn't, but I'd have no issue with it being the child's grandparents.

My parents had DD1 when DD2 was born!

Yes it IS strange

I had the same ask from my ex when his wife was due to give birth. I said that from experience the baby could arrive any time over a 5 week period and I couldn’t possibly clear my whole diary for that period, however I would obviously help as long as I was available to do so. He would need to call me and I would get there as soon as I could. I also advised him to have a back-up plan that wasn’t me just in case, our DS know his wife’s parents etc.

As it happens the baby appeared at a time my son was with me anyway so all was fine and I did not put my life on hold.

I think you can find a middle ground that maintains good will without putting yourself into solitary confinement for 5 weeks!

No, you should go to the party, keep your phone on and call a cab if they call you. It’s not necessary to get shitfaced, is it?

Don't think the OP has said that has she? Only that there are family locally. These are people who thought it was appropriate to try and get OP to do childcare for XP DWs child, so I don't think we're in sensible assumption territory.

@aSofaNearYou the weirdest thing is that my ex has often suggested that I am a bad mother and the girlfriend definitely dislikes me. I'm mystified as to why they would try to stick this child with me.

Tbh, knowing he had bad enough judgement to ask me this (though I would of course take good care of the child if somehow she were put in my charge) might be the best argument for my agreeing to cancel all my plans.

Cross post!

But yeah, they just sound so completely batshit that I wouldn't want to place any trust at all in either of them.

I have not read the whole thread but I think OP is not being unreasonable.
My only concern here would be how your 5 year old son might take it if his Dad is suddenly up and off on short notice because his new partner is in labour - this can be unstable for children to have to go through.
I realise you have plans for your own time when your son is with his Dad but if you can possibly do it I would take control and say your son stays with you whatever the arrangement is you have with his Dad until you decide his Dad's homelife is settled enough for your son to go and visit again. At the very very least your ex should be being civil and considerate of you and not emotionally blackmailing you into this (OP should be grateful that the ex is "giving" their son a sibling... what???)
(but Mumsnet has plenty of people who are having babies with someone's recent ex partner/the Dad of someone elses kids - etc so don't expect to get much un bias support here OP)

If it was you and him having a second baby then ds would go to a friend or family member so it’s not at all unfair - in fact it’s normal!

just keep repeating - I’m available all times except…. Then if he goes on, “you have my availability”.

Another that thinks YABU
I'd rather get my child and make sure I looked after them than demand other childcare provided that DC may not know

You're a mother ffs. The boy has already got one unreliable parent, he doesn't need two! You honestly think that parties and theatres are more important than your little ds?

He sounds like a wanker but you are being completely unreasonable. This isn’t about them, it’s about your son not being dumped on someone random if she goes into labour. I’m sure they would prefer she didn’t go into labour when your son is there either but it’s something no one has control over. Nothing excuses their behaviour but your attitude sounds quite spiteful also, poor child stuck in the middle of his parents playing games tit for tat. Also, why is your phone off at night? What if there is an emergency overnight, surely you’d want to know.

I can’t understand why you’ve refused. Surely it’s for your child and your dickhead ex and his gf.

No, you forewarn your friend that you may need to dash off to collect your son if your ex's gf goes into labour and you attend the party.

Don't drink too much and be prepared to drive or catch a taxi to pick up your son if necessary.

If the party is hours away and you physically wouldn't be able to get from London to Aberdeen (or whatever), that's a slightly different matter.

Er loads of people! Otherwise your phone is pinging with messages from people with different sleep schedules or in different time zones.

mine is set to override if it’s one of my kids and they ring twice.

I would take control and say your son stays with you whatever the arrangement is you have with his Dad until you decide his Dad's homelife is settled enough for your son to go and visit again.

That’s called using a child as a pawn. Disgraceful, manipulative behaviour. I really hope nobody actually behaves like this.

This right here is perfectly reasonable. No one would expect you to be on perma hold, but being kind goes a long way. Of course I will help if I can and will do my best to get to you but dependant on time/commitments, that may not be the quickest solution, so if you could keep a back up to take child in the interim while I get there, that would be the best solution.

Sadly, yes, I do think you need to put your life on hold somewhat when you have a young child. All of us do. This is an unusual situation, which is temporary, and your child won't always be so dependent, but we all have to turn down invitations to lovely things when our kids need us. Par for the course, unfortch.

But that is pretty much what OP has offered

my ex refused to have the kids the weekend that his partner was due- then wanted me to make the 2 hour round trip to take my DDs to visit their new sibling in the hospital. I did- because I wanted my kids to feel included and not pushed out by their new sibling. 10 years on and they love their little sister, and just about tolerate their dad.

Why couldn't your partner handle things for one night on your birthday?