To refuse to cover when my ex's partner gives birth?

[dadworld345]

My ex and his girlfriend have both been abusive to me. I left my ex due to his abuse. We have a 5 year old son together.

His girlfriend will have a baby soon. The ex constantly badgers me about the baby and how I should be grateful that he is giving our son a sibling. I try to ignore it.

I am my son's primary carer and I schedule important things and social events when my son is scheduled to be with his dad.

My ex and his girlfriend both have family in the area.

Ex demanded that I be on call to go pick up my son, including turning my phone on at night, if the girlfriend goes into labour. I told him he needs to sort himself out, though I did agree to cover some of the times when I am not working or sleeping.

He is now rumourmongering about me at school.

AIBU to tell him that he needs to find childcare if his gf goes into labour during one of the (infrequent) times he is responsible for our son?

Careful, I had a comment removed for this.

Not at all. Only quoting because it's the reasonable answer to the situation and would get lost otherwise.

The whole aim here is to enjoy the idea that he might miss the birth. Im sure she'd not have wanted that when her own son was born, but now its not her problem, right?

Does no one have a landline. Before I used my phone as an extra alarm. My phone was on on silent downstairs.
I also switch it off when in the theatre or cinema. Also when I’m driving my phone is on do not disturb and in my bag.
Also already existing children shouldn’t be banished to other care givers when new baby.

I do, and my DH does too after I nearly killed him the first time I spent the night with him because his phone kept pinging all night.

You should think of your son in this situation. He is your priority, not your boozy party!!

No halfway decent parent would actually say that to their child though would they? It would just prove the point he likes to play games and is willing to use his child as a pawn.

Unless there’s something the OP hasn’t said I’m sure her DS will be quite safe with his family at the times she isn’t available.

I wouldn’t have felt comfortable that my DH insisting his ex “arrange her own childcare” meant she was on her own during the birth of her children. It’s cruel. Women are vulnerable giving birth and it’s one of the few times they should have an advocate - of their choice! Most often that’s Dad!

My phone is on silent from 10pm to 7am. It will allow 3 callers through during those hours.

OP, I would pay not attention to what this ghastly man says other parents at the school say. Why is he even telling them?

I'd be thinking about your child. Where will he go if gf goes into labour in a time when he's with his father? If grandad/grandma come then fine, let them. If your child would left with someone they hardly know (possibly for a long time), I'd jump in and have him. Your child is the important one here.

My ex would tell tales to the parents at school they said a lot of mmm and wow at the appropriate times doesn't mean they agree with anything he said one rang me laughing because he was telling anyone who listened that I was forcing him to collect his own children on his day because I was "choosing" to work and I was a money grabber 😂

I think yabu

he is an arse but at times you have to look at the bigger picture and this is one of those times

and so what if he is an arse you don’t have to be i have always dropped everything i can to be there for my ds his dad being an arse isn’t his fault be that changing plans or moving far away

If the gf is likely having a planned section anyway is there any point at all in engaging with them on this until you know for sure / when it is?

Fwiw, I don't think you are unreasonable, but personally if my ex was that awful I'd find my own friends or family to cover the days I couldn't because I'd want ds to be with my ex as little as possible.

He is asking you in advance to have your own child when his partner is in labour. He can't exactly cancel this happening or move it to a date that suits you.

Honestly, it sounds like you are deliberately trying to make things difficult. I understand that they have been abusive to you....but this isnt about them, it's about your child.

If they go into labour when your son is with them, what is it that you want them to do rather than your son come home to you?
Go to the hospital with them and be in the labour room? Stay with people you don't know/like? Or are you hoping your ex will choose to stay home with your son and leave his new partner to go to hospital on her own? If that is the case, no matter what they have done to you, that is petty and cruel.

Would you rather your son, get dumped on a member of your ex’s new partner’s family than him give you a call? Or a random mate of the abusive ex? I wouldn’t. Especially if this man is abusive. Out of principle I would say ‘day or night ring me and I’ll always pick him up’.

FWIW I’ve never ever turned my phone off at night, not once in the 25 years of owning a mobile phone.

Your ex sounds a total twat but why would you potentially want your son woken in the night and taken to the house of a stranger. Go and pick him up. Maybe suggest to your ex that he doesn't have your son around the due date until the baby is born.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable. He sounds like a tosser and you are well rid.

But - in this case I probably would be ready to take my son home. It’ll be stressful enough for your DS having a half-sibling in the toxic atmosphere your ex has created.

However, I guess the challenge is how do you do this without it becoming an opportunity for your ex to try to control you and extend his abuse by trying to control your behaviour re phone and availability.

Maybe some other posters could help you with some ideas about this. I think you need to have truthful information about due dates etc.

The simplest thing to do would’ve not to send your DS to his father over the due dates of the girlfriend’s baby.

I'm gobsmacked you allow him to be a part of your child's life if he's inconsistent and sodding abusive!! And before I get lambasted about OP having 'no right to refuse' - NOBODY's legal rights come before the child's well-being and that's something all Judges would agree with.

How strange, i don't see what's wrong with it.

I get some people are forced to allow their abusive ex access to their child, which must be horrendous. So if that is the case then surely you would jump at the opportunity to pick your child up.

I wouldn't be able to enjoy a party anyway knowing my child could be upset and left with someone he/I didn't even know.

Sorry haven't rtft but personally i would want to be their for my child. Can you make it clear that they would have to bring child to you and you are not to be expected to drive anywhere?
Also over leaving your phone on at night, do you not use the "do not disturb" feature. It is highly customisable so you can set that only set people can get through, and even only if they phone and not text. You can even set it so that calls are muted unless you receive 2 calls from the same number in 15 minutes, so the first call would be silent and only the second one is loud.

For anything else I’d agree that you should inconvenience yourself.

But births, deaths and illness are things you can always forward plan and as a mother yourself you must know that!

If this was a regular thing (like he was getting half the village knocked up) I might lose my patience too, but I still wouldn’t want my passed kids anywhere else in the middle of the night!

I can see where you’re coming from OP. But when I was in hospital pre-birth and when I’m labour, my ex had our DC and I’m extremely grateful to him for that as it was a big stage in the DCs lives, having a new baby arrive. I’d do the same for him if the situation arose

Do what is best for your son. That is all you need to do.

@SchoolTripDrama

NOBODY's legal rights come before the child's well-being and that's something all Judges would agree with.

You think that no judges award unsupervised contact with fathers who have a history of abusive behaviour?

The threshold for stopping contact is unbelievably high. There are many, many abusive parents who have court ordered unsupervised contact with their children.

The system isn't as bizarrely utopian as you seem to think.

As annoying as this is, I think this falls into a "what is best for your child?" category.

I'm ALL for making life a bit difficult for dickheads, but when, ultimately, it's your young child who will suffer... that's where you need to draw the line.

I actually think that a mother has the greater responsibility to a child.