To refuse to cover when my ex's partner gives birth?

[dadworld345]

My ex and his girlfriend have both been abusive to me. I left my ex due to his abuse. We have a 5 year old son together.

His girlfriend will have a baby soon. The ex constantly badgers me about the baby and how I should be grateful that he is giving our son a sibling. I try to ignore it.

I am my son's primary carer and I schedule important things and social events when my son is scheduled to be with his dad.

My ex and his girlfriend both have family in the area.

Ex demanded that I be on call to go pick up my son, including turning my phone on at night, if the girlfriend goes into labour. I told him he needs to sort himself out, though I did agree to cover some of the times when I am not working or sleeping.

He is now rumourmongering about me at school.

AIBU to tell him that he needs to find childcare if his gf goes into labour during one of the (infrequent) times he is responsible for our son?

YABU. This is hardly taking the piss on their part - they are having a baby. It's not unreasonable of them to ask you to look after your own kid when they are in hospital.

@BanditsOnTheHorizon I am definitely not having another baby, but I have no doubt that he would find a way to make it difficult if I did.

Tbf, to an outsider it does seem unreasonable, although given the abuse its understandable why.

The ex sounds awful.

But in your situation, I would pick up my child and bring him home to be with me, because that is what is best for your son.

This. Surely you put your child first? I can’t imagine saying no.

I understand that your ex and his GF have been abusive but put your son and his feelings first on this rare occasion.
Keep your phone ringtone on during the time she is likely due and ask ex to text you when she goes into labour so you have time to get DS first.
He might be frightened and they might need to dash to Hospital
Nobody has a predictable labour

YABU

It is about your son not the fights you and your ex are having.

To put it another way would you prefer your son to be with a random person e.g. neighbour, girlfriend's cousin or friend - rather than you? If the baby and mother weren't well then then your son would be with that random person until you picked him up.

I think the way you phrased it on your OP made you sound way worse than reality. So you haven't said you won't have DS. You've told him you will pick up DS if gf goes into labour, except should it happen on two or three specific days? And DS would normally be with you anyway? That seems fine to me. He needs to just deal with it, loads of parents have this type of arrangement with family members: DS with grandma if baby comes on Wednesday, with uncle if baby comes on Thursday, etc. It's a luxury for him that there is another parent who probably can help out with his DS.

What will you do if she goes into labour the day before DS is due to go round? You couldn't drop him off to an empty house or hospital, so might be worth having your own back ups in mind if these events are important to you.

I always kept my phone on at night if my children were away from me. I couldn't sleep not knowing that I was uncontactable in case my child needed me.

I would put your son first. It's not an easy pill to swallow, but you are are unwilling to do them any favours because of your feelings towards them. Your son shouldn't be weaponised in this way.
If, for example, another family member had agreed to be responsible for your child and then they needed medical treatment suddenly, you would be then responsible to cancel your boozy 50th party as the child's parent. It's not the exact same thing I know, but you need to put your child first at all times regardless of who it benefits.
I would then be seriously be revaluating the whole dynamic between you and your ex because this is all ultimately terrible for your son.

So you’ve given him black out times/dates and don’t want to be worried about being called in the middle of the night for a month when she’s due?
You could offer to cancel overnight contact for that month so that either your son is at yours or you can arrange a babysitter for the times when you have plans. His dad can see him during the day when you’re available to pick if his gf goes into labour.

So you are refusing to look after your own child as your ex boyfriend wants to be at the birth of his child with his new gf? You sound petty, I could maybe understand refusing to help out the new gf with childcare for her children, but they are asking you to have your own son. What a sad toxic co-pareenting situation you have here. I'd look after a neighbours child whilst they went to have a baby, even if it was in the night, nevermind my own child.

Right. This is part of why slagging me off to people is perplexing. It's basically three nights over the course of two weeks when I have said I won't be available. And I think the gf is going to have a scheduled c section anyway. This is just a backup.

I don't think you're unreasonable to say you can't do certain days and he needs to find someone else for those days, assuming he has family who can help as ultimately you don't want to put your son in a position where his dad doesn't really have many options and is having to ask somebody he isn't comfortable with or close to.

If you've offered that compromise then your ex is being a dick.

If the dad was rushed to hospital, would you expect to have your child? Or would you be saying "no sorry, leave him with strangers, im too busy socialising so its his dads problem" This is no different, at least you have warning. Why should his girlfriends family take your son so that you dont have to be put out by childcare for your own child?! They could live next door, your son still isnt their problem. Cant believe you'd even suggest that.

YABVU.

Stop being spiteful. And remember, what goes around, comes around. If you expect your Ex to take your son if you find yourself in the same condition, his girlfriend might have a very long memory on the topic.

She can have a scheduled C-section but she could still end up in hospital for a few days.

Just keep your son with you around that time.

Yes, this is right.

Good point about backups!

Your ex sounds absolutely horrible and I can understand why you are resisting.
I do however think the request in itself for you to pick up your son on this occasion is not unreasonable and that I would echo previous posters about turning your phone on at night. I'm so sorry it sounds like you were in a very abusive, controlling relationship and your ex is still unpleasant to deal with now. But how would you feel if you didn't find out something had happened to your son until hours later? I would consider some flex on this one. It's about what is best for your son ultimately as he didn't ask for any of this.

It really isn’t.

you are insisting your ds has to be with his dad for regular contact at the time his dad’s girlfriend is due, just as my H’s ex insisted. The only people who were discomforted by this were my step children. I had no problem with them staying, although pointed out that I might be a little preoccupied! H’s ex seems intent on making our preparations for dd1’s birth as complicated as possible, just as you seem to be trying to do for your ex.

it is your ds who will potentially suffer, ultimately. Whether that is from his father being annoyed at having to arrange childcare, or from the childcare (extended family) being more interested in the impending birth than in looking after your ds, or just from your ds having a whole mix of feelings over the birth am not being able to be with a parent, and so on. Many different reasons why he may be a lot better off with you. Rearrange your social life, so that your ds can be safe and comfortable at a tricky time in his life.

Would you rather your 5 year old was with a near stranger while you're at the theatre or a party?

YABU. This is your child, not a hill to die on.

Surely you have your phone on at night when your son isn’t with you in case there’s an emergency?
I think YABU he is your son and what is best for him is to be with you and reassured by you if his Dad has to dash off to the hospital. In a confusing life changing time who could be better for him to be with. I’m a bit baffled you don’t want to be with him.

I understand not wanting to bend over backwards for your abusive ex. It feels like you will be doing them a favour. Try and reframe it as getting to spend more time with your son, instead of him being semi-neglected whilst everyone fawns over new baby. It feels shit now, but your son will notice who the better parent is when he grows. The one who went out of their way to make his life easier.

Sure the best thing for your DS is to come to you if his Dad (and GF) have to go to hospital for labour. I think YABU and you should take your son - rather than getting your ex to give him to someone else. I can't think of any reason why I wouldn't take my son in such circumstances. Ok the ex and the gf might be not be nice to you, but no reason to not consider your son as the number 1 priority.

I don't see how it is only 3 times out of 2 weeks you won't be available? You also said you wouldn't be available when you're asleep, at work, at a party or at the theatre.