To refuse to cover when my ex's partner gives birth?

[dadworld345]

My ex and his girlfriend have both been abusive to me. I left my ex due to his abuse. We have a 5 year old son together.

His girlfriend will have a baby soon. The ex constantly badgers me about the baby and how I should be grateful that he is giving our son a sibling. I try to ignore it.

I am my son's primary carer and I schedule important things and social events when my son is scheduled to be with his dad.

My ex and his girlfriend both have family in the area.

Ex demanded that I be on call to go pick up my son, including turning my phone on at night, if the girlfriend goes into labour. I told him he needs to sort himself out, though I did agree to cover some of the times when I am not working or sleeping.

He is now rumourmongering about me at school.

AIBU to tell him that he needs to find childcare if his gf goes into labour during one of the (infrequent) times he is responsible for our son?

Yes they do. Mine is my alarm. My kids don’t stay anywhere else but if they did I would want to know if there was an emergency in the night.

Also, if the times he sees his dad are infrequent and I'm guessing not that often as he lives with you, surely the chances of her going into labour while he's there is pretty slim?

YABU. Why would you not want to spend a bit more time with your son? It sounds like you are using your son to get one over on your ex and his partner?

Cancel your ex having DS at the time his girlfriend is due.

You are being unreasonable. They are having a baby not going out partying. Keeping to your son's normal contact schedule on the proviso that you will collect him if she goes into labour seems fair to me. You sound jealous and childish

If I'm honest at fave value I'd be shocked a parent refused to do this for their child, so if I heard this at the school gate I'd probably shocked. But then I'm not privy to all the particulars that go into relationships so I'd probably also be skeptical that this was the whole story.

There's no way i would turn my phone off if my kids weren't home. They could need me in an emergency and I wouldn't know about it until the next day otherwise.

Misses the point entirely but who in 2023 switches their phone off at night?? absolutely everyone who has a business. You would be amazed at how many cf customers phone during published closing times for general enquiries - even at midnight on Christmas Day.
I think this is about your ds op, not about them. Sod your ex, but you need to make sure your ds is safe and with people who care about him. In your position I would get him and not trust people who have abused me arrange child care.

I don't understand why you wouldn't just make yourself contactable when your ds is at his dad's? Any time.

Fair enough if you are at dinner or a show or something so the phone goes on silent, but if your ds had a medical emergency after 10pm are you saying your ex wouldn't be able to let you know he is taking your son to hospital?

@gogohmm I'm definitely not jealous. Just not interested in being steamrolled by my ex and his cruel girlfriend, having to be on call when I am in a theatre and at a friend's party.

So give the blocked dates to your ex and say "if she goes into labour on these days I'm at a pre booked event. You'll need a backup sitter or to stay with ds til my event finishes"

By the way, who turns off their phone?, even at church I just put it on silent. Haven't turned mine off since the 1990's. My kids (adults) might need me and I don't have a landline

Jeez what happens if mum and baby are in hospital for 2 weeks?
Are you going to be expecting your ex to be home for your son as it's not your sons fault he has a sibling. No flexibility at all?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz this is basically what I did. I provided blackout times. Ex is still shouting about this and gossiping to people.

@gogohmm if I am sleeping, having my phone on silent is the same thing. I'm not going to wake up if he calls. So basically you are saying you do the same thing that I do.

Of course there's no flexibility, she has a show to go and watch! 😅

First of all stop thinking about yourself. This is about your child who deserves to have a parent put them first over anything - including being furious at their dad or a boozy party.

Just think about your son’s well-being first and go from there.

I don't think OP's son has to put up with listening to someone being in pain/being left with a neighbour/stranger.
It baffles me why OP would even want to leave him there.

Yes, I think you should be prepared to set aside events if your ds needs you.

I can’t believe you turn your phone off overnight when your ds is with your ex, given how little you seem to trust your ex.

when I was pregnant and due with dd1, my then H’s ex insisted that his dc could only have their summer contact - 2 weeks - over those very weeks. She did it to be annoying to H. The people that it inconvenienced most were her own dc, who felt very out of place, had to be sent to neighbours (who they didn’t know very well) when I was in labour, and who then had the worry of a very complicated birth/long recovery - not exactly the contact they wanted with their dad! Don’t do that to your ds. Be there for him at a very difficult time.

No, you should put your life on hold for your little boy.

@bunnyrabbitsandbutterflies I have already agreed to have my son after the baby is born. I anticipate that my ex will expect me to ferry my son back and forth to the hospital (though I haven't decided how I will respond to this demand).

I have only said I won't be on call at a moment's notice while working, at an event, or sleeping in this period.

@ElfDragon with respect, this is a very different situation from what you have described.

What happens if your son is there while she goes into labour and he asks for you and says he wants to come home? Are you still expecting him to be trotted off to whoever else because you wanted the night off?

Sounds like out of sight out of mind.

This is about your son take everything else out of the equation

Well he's hardly going to tell you that they agree with you is heZ

Ignore what he's said about other parents and if they are stupid enough to believe him then they don't matter anyway.

Do what feels right for you. I think you're right to offer daytime back up if needed when it's convenient for you, but sod keeping my phone on overnight.

I presume he's not offer you the same courtesy