To refuse to cover when my ex's partner gives birth?

[dadworld345]

My ex and his girlfriend have both been abusive to me. I left my ex due to his abuse. We have a 5 year old son together.

His girlfriend will have a baby soon. The ex constantly badgers me about the baby and how I should be grateful that he is giving our son a sibling. I try to ignore it.

I am my son's primary carer and I schedule important things and social events when my son is scheduled to be with his dad.

My ex and his girlfriend both have family in the area.

Ex demanded that I be on call to go pick up my son, including turning my phone on at night, if the girlfriend goes into labour. I told him he needs to sort himself out, though I did agree to cover some of the times when I am not working or sleeping.

He is now rumourmongering about me at school.

AIBU to tell him that he needs to find childcare if his gf goes into labour during one of the (infrequent) times he is responsible for our son?

Does he now? Have you thought perhaps he's not being entirely honest?

Aside from which, does he have other childcare options you are happy with (friends family)?

@milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard

We don't have a co-parenting relationship. Ex and his girlfriend are totally mental and I just have to grey rock to protect myself.

They actually did try to make me look after her little girl recently. It was strange.

Also, you are never not 'on call' when you have a child. I went for one solitary night out last year for my birthday and came back after 3 hours because my child became unwell, even though my partner (his dad) was at home with him.

@dadworld345 I'm just jealous you have an ex that has the capability of having his own child overnight and maintaining a new relationship on top of that.

You may feel differently if you knew more about the things that they have done. I had to block the girlfriend on my phone because she kept sending me abusive messages.

He’s completely unreasonable, but I would worry about the ‘childcare’ alternative he’ll be arranging. As a mum I’d want to know who was with my child at all times and wouldn’t feel comfortable with him arranging for someone else to take care of my child without knowing who that person was or where he was staying. For that reason I’d probably be ‘on call’. Not for the ex’s sake at all of course.

Yes this. You’re doing it for your son, not his dad. I understand why you’re angry with him, but I think yabu not to prioritise him if they need to go to the hospital.

YANBU

Usually I'm the first to call out an ex being deliberately difficult when a new baby is born, trying to create a situation where the dad cannot be there at the birth as he has to be at home with his older kids. But I just really don't think that's what's going on here. It feels like people are seeing the theme of the thread, getting their back up, and not paying attention to the actual details.

She's not trying to make him miss the birth, and she's not being deliberately difficult, she just has plans on certain days and would like him to find other plans for those days. She is aware he has family he could ask.

I think people are jumping to conclusions here.

I find it odd when women choose to live like martyrs and hold others to the same standard. I think this is a deeply misogynistic attitude. I hope that you can have some relaxing time alone sometime without self flagellating.

I had a family member in this situation and I had to be available to pick their child up as the mum refused contact on days that weren’t hers.
I absolutely didn’t mind doing it, but we had the child for 3 days where she was staying somewhere she hadn’t been and it must have been such an unsettling experience.
As a parent, I would prefer to have my child and know where they are, that they are safe and are comfortable and supported than be concerned on whose day it is for contact.
i know everyone situation is different but the important person here is your child and whatever their needs are.

Your ex sounds awful but for something like a birth I'd rather have my DC at home with me than going around various friends and family of the ex, who may or may not be free for certain periods of time.

I don't think yabu however I'd rather a child of mine was with me than with a possible random. You absolutely don't have to like him or his gf but a little empathy for a labouring woman wouldn't be misplaced. Yes your ex needs to be responsible but doesn't sound like he is so unfortunately it's down to you. Whatever is best for your child, do that.

The way you are treated may be poor but that is a separate issue
Could you make yourself available to collect your son if my wife goes into labour is not an unreasonable request.

Sorry that your ex is useless. Mine is largely useless, but I think that between them he and his girlfriend probably keep my child out of danger.

His attitude is all wrong.
But your son comes first and I would rather have him with me if not working than have him farmed out to people he is no happy with .no social engagement is more important than your son.sorry ,because it seems like they are treating you badly but Yabu not to want your son with you.

I think YABU, your ex is most likely an arse but it's not really about him. My ex is an arse but ultimately I'd always collect my daughter in a situation like this, they will grow up and remember who was always there for them when they needed it. I know it's frustrating though! It's almost about the way they ask/instruct you that's what happening that is most annoying

They just don't sound like the sort of people I'd trust to make arrangements that affected my child's welfare. So for that reason I'd be more comfortable having DS myself in your situation.

No ferrying though, fuck that.

I personally would for those 3 events make alternative childcare arrangements and just keep the bairn. You know he's going to stop you going just because he likes yanking your chain OP.

YABU

Personally I would pick up my son , simply because I think your son will benefit from his mum with so many idiots on his father side

You'd rather have your son potentially go to your ex's friend than bring him home to be safe with you? Out of spite for not liking your ex? Seems like you're putting your own petty bitterness ahead of what's best and least disruptive for your child. And turning your phone off? What happens if there's an emergency with your son while he's at his dads? I'm sorry, but YABU to not see what is best for your son in this scenario. He'll be going through the upheaval of knowing there's a new baby on the way, and possibly being woken in the middle of the night. Who do you think he'd want comforted by? His mum or some random mate of his dads.

Ok, they are twats. But your son should be with you in this situation, so yabu. No ferrying, the proud new dad can do that.

It’s not about them, it’s about your child. He already has 1 horrible parent, you need to be his safe space