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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to cover when my ex's partner gives birth?

318 replies

dadworld345 · 11/05/2023 12:09

My ex and his girlfriend have both been abusive to me. I left my ex due to his abuse. We have a 5 year old son together.

His girlfriend will have a baby soon. The ex constantly badgers me about the baby and how I should be grateful that he is giving our son a sibling. I try to ignore it.

I am my son's primary carer and I schedule important things and social events when my son is scheduled to be with his dad.

My ex and his girlfriend both have family in the area.

Ex demanded that I be on call to go pick up my son, including turning my phone on at night, if the girlfriend goes into labour. I told him he needs to sort himself out, though I did agree to cover some of the times when I am not working or sleeping.

He is now rumourmongering about me at school.

AIBU to tell him that he needs to find childcare if his gf goes into labour during one of the (infrequent) times he is responsible for our son?

OP posts:
CheersForThatEh · 11/05/2023 12:49

I can see both sides.

My guide would he, what do I want my son to remember?

BodyKeepingScore · 11/05/2023 12:50

dadworld345 · 11/05/2023 12:22

@gogohmm I'm definitely not jealous. Just not interested in being steamrolled by my ex and his cruel girlfriend, having to be on call when I am in a theatre and at a friend's party.

What would happen if your son became unwell during these events and required hospitalisation? How exactly would anyone be able to inform you if you aren't "on call"?

Reugny · 11/05/2023 12:50

I suppose you are going to get this thread deleted now because the consensus is for you to have your child, for your child's safety and well-being.

(And yes keep your phone on overnight.)

Twinsmummy1812 · 11/05/2023 12:50

My phone is on silent at all times but I have the emergency override on for my children’s numbers.

I don’t like it when lots of posters pile on to an OP but the majority are right. It’s not about you or your ex, it’s about being a mum and I’m sorry but you made the decision to have him and he comes first

Coconut90 · 11/05/2023 12:50

dadworld345 · 11/05/2023 12:16

@ElfDragon yes, my son knows the girlfriend's family and the ex's family. The ex has many friends who live nearby as well.

The ex is absolutely horrible to me and treats me like his servant. During these times, I have things scheduled during these times, like theatre events, a (likely boozy) 50th to attend, etc. Should I put my life on hold because my horrible ex and his horrible girlfriend decided to have a baby?

The last paragraph makes you sound bitter.

It's ok to be unhappy he's having a baby with someone else. You should be prioritising your own child over a night out drinking though.

SpringleDingle · 11/05/2023 12:50

My phone is muted at night, I couldn't sleep through all the pinging and ponging otherwise. Totally normal in the people I've discussed this with. When DD is with her dad he is responsible for resolving middle of the night issues. I wouldn't ring him at 2am if there was a problem with DD I'd sort it myself, he's an adult!

I don't think you are being unreasonable to refuse. My agreement would depend on where my kid would end up if it wasn't with me. If it was with kids granny (what often happens when mum and dad have a new baby) then I'd think that was fine. If it was likely to be dodgy uncle trevor then I'd suck up my irritation and be the on call person.

cpphelp · 11/05/2023 12:50

ComtesseDeSpair · 11/05/2023 12:14

I think in your position I’d bank on being the fallback option and make preparations for that. I strongly suspect that whatever you say they need to do, they’ll either break contact arrangements around the due date to ensure DS isn’t in their care when the baby arrives, or dump him on your doorstep whether you have plans or not. The person who’s going to suffer here is your DS.

I agree with this. My concern would be them turning up at the hospital with DS and the hospital calling SS for him to go into foster care for the night.

If I were you, I wouldn't pick this hill to die on x

Fandabedodgy · 11/05/2023 12:51

What's the best thing for your child?

Whatever that answer is - is what you should do.

Original poster
dadworld345 · 11/05/2023 12:51

@Reugny Most posters in voting say IANBU, though it is about 50/50

OP posts:
cpphelp · 11/05/2023 12:51

Sissynova · 11/05/2023 12:15

including turning my phone on at night

Misses the point entirely but who in 2023 switches their phone off at night??

If your son barely sees his father how often does he see your ex's relatives? Surely you would want your son to be with you than your ex's gf's parents/ sibling etc?

Mines always on silent and face down at night. Same thing surely?

flutterbyebaby · 11/05/2023 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Blossomtoes · 11/05/2023 12:52

dadworld345 · 11/05/2023 12:51

@Reugny Most posters in voting say IANBU, though it is about 50/50

The number thinking you’re unreasonable is rising. And the comments reflect that.

kitsuneghost · 11/05/2023 12:52

dadworld345 · 11/05/2023 12:40

@milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard

We don't have a co-parenting relationship. Ex and his girlfriend are totally mental and I just have to grey rock to protect myself.

They actually did try to make me look after her little girl recently. It was strange.

Show quote history

Why would looking after your son's step sister be strange?
I am not saying you should or could but to call it strange is strange in itself.

NoraBattysCurlers · 11/05/2023 12:53

This is about your son.

Don't make your son a pawn in the bad relationship you have with your ex and his girlfriend.

4plusthehound · 11/05/2023 12:53

Rest easy op.

Ex needs to sort his own stuff out.

DC will be fine.

Enjoy your theatre and party.

The gossipmongering is a pain but there is not much you can do there. People eventually cotton on but it is really horrible to know that is going on in the background.

Guiltridden12345 · 11/05/2023 12:54

Sissynova · 11/05/2023 12:15

including turning my phone on at night

Misses the point entirely but who in 2023 switches their phone off at night??

If your son barely sees his father how often does he see your ex's relatives? Surely you would want your son to be with you than your ex's gf's parents/ sibling etc?

Anyone who values sleep and models good sleep hygiene for their kids?

Original poster
dadworld345 · 11/05/2023 12:55

NoraBattysCurlers · 11/05/2023 12:53

This is about your son.

Don't make your son a pawn in the bad relationship you have with your ex and his girlfriend.

I'm not making my son a pawn. This situation has come to me.

My ex and his gf happen to make my son a pawn quite often, which I dislike.

OP posts:
SilentNightDancer · 11/05/2023 12:55

YABU.

Put your son first.

Go for a piss up another time.

It's highly unlikely that your ex's gf will go into labour during the times you've got plans anyway.

Blondewithredlips · 11/05/2023 12:56

Oysterbabe · 11/05/2023 12:15

I'd pick up my child rather than risk them being dumped on a random cousin or neighbour in the middle of the night. You might hate your ex but child comes first.

This. It is about your son.

Naunet · 11/05/2023 12:57

I suspect if this was the other way around and you were having a baby and insist your ex was ready to drop everything at a moments notice and pick up your son, you would be called unreasonable.

Mamai90 · 11/05/2023 12:57

Your ex sounds horrible but I think in this situation YABU. It's not about your ex it's about your son. He'll need you. Forget about the ex.

Enko · 11/05/2023 12:57

ModestMoon · 11/05/2023 12:34

I think the way you phrased it on your OP made you sound way worse than reality. So you haven't said you won't have DS. You've told him you will pick up DS if gf goes into labour, except should it happen on two or three specific days? And DS would normally be with you anyway? That seems fine to me. He needs to just deal with it, loads of parents have this type of arrangement with family members: DS with grandma if baby comes on Wednesday, with uncle if baby comes on Thursday, etc. It's a luxury for him that there is another parent who probably can help out with his DS.

What will you do if she goes into labour the day before DS is due to go round? You couldn't drop him off to an empty house or hospital, so might be worth having your own back ups in mind if these events are important to you.

I agree with this.

Ignore the school situation as others have said they may simply be trying to shut a conversation down. If x brings it up again grey rock him and go something like " oh right" then change the subject.

PinkyFlamingo · 11/05/2023 12:58

virginpinkmartini · 11/05/2023 12:40

Also, you are never not 'on call' when you have a child. I went for one solitary night out last year for my birthday and came back after 3 hours because my child became unwell, even though my partner (his dad) was at home with him.

Don't you trust your partner? Odd

Original poster
dadworld345 · 11/05/2023 12:58

SilentNightDancer · 11/05/2023 12:55

YABU.

Put your son first.

Go for a piss up another time.

It's highly unlikely that your ex's gf will go into labour during the times you've got plans anyway.

So I should tell my friend I will be there for her 60th and sit at home sober just in case?

OP posts:
milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard · 11/05/2023 12:59

dadworld345 · 11/05/2023 12:55

I'm not making my son a pawn. This situation has come to me.

My ex and his gf happen to make my son a pawn quite often, which I dislike.

Show quote history

Easy to chuck statements like that around to justify a cause isnt it.

Accept that you are bitter about it, stop trying to justify being spiteful by pointing the finger in the other direction and just do the right thing by your child.

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