Absolute stupid question about asexuality and sexuality.

[AceNotInSpace]

Hi, I totally understand that this isin’t exactly the place to come and talk about asexuality, but I swear every single online space I have found and been part of, have kind of gone crazy.

Things seem to have gone strange in the past couple of years where a lot of people are now using the label asexuality.
I’m in online places to find people like me and talk about obstacles in our lives, but these days
they are pretty much filled with people who do have sex (mostly seem to be young girls/women having sex with boys/men) who say that they are ”aesthetically and emotionally attracted to” their partner / people and like the physical feeling of sex.
Isin’t this just the very average, very basic, very ’normal’ sexuality?
They want and have sex, they have libidos and they put them to use.

What makes this asexuality / part of asexual spectrum?

And now they are in asexual spaces telling pwoplw who are actually asexual, that they belong there, and if you question them, you are aphobic and excluding people.
In our own space.

What is this? Do they not realize they’re taking place from people who it actually belongs to?

Again, I can’t talk about this in these communities, because I get an angry mob after me, so I brought my beef here, I’m sorry 😅!

Nobody is taking anything away from anyone.

Someone declaring themselves asexual when they’re not doesn’t stop you being asexual.

At the end of the day, it’s just a label. Just live your life and be happy about it, it doesn’t matter how others want to label themselves.

I don't mean this to sound disrespectful but if the spaces are online, are they actually taking spaces away from those who need one? Can you just say "ok, that's nice," and carry on as you were?

I will admit I don't want to know the exact ins and outs of why anyone is attracted to their partner, whether it's sexual, emotional, "aesthetic" etc so I don't really know why people need to engage in that conversation, but I realise that's probably just me being dim. 😆

What exactly are the obstacles in your life?

I don’t know whether this applies to OP, but as an example that I’ve seen:

someone who is asexual wanting to find a life partner but finding it difficult as most adults want to have sex

someone identifying as asexual but who enjoys sex: well, just have sex - it’s fun!

People do seem quick to label themselves and others

A member of my family announced that they are demisexual ie only sexually attracted to someone when they have an emotional bond with them. I thought most people were like that, and it doesn't require a label

I don't mean this to sound disrespectful but if the spaces are online, are they actually taking spaces away from those who need one? Can you just say "ok, that's nice," and carry on as you were?

I think I have just more growingly gotten frustrated being pushed out in my community.
I get that most of them are very young, many of them likely are just kids and I have spend much less time there.

But it is sad, because just few years ago it was full of a support and they helped me a lot and it was relief to know I’m not the only one.
And now just met with you average sexual people there, is just sad.

Yeah, I'd just ignore them.

I'd assume they were actually referring to possibly demisexuality i.e. not generally sexually attracted or having the urge to have sex (i.e. don't look at a stranger in a bar and want to fuck them), but do so in a relationship where they have emotional closeness, and enjoy it.

I wouldn't personally call that asexuality, I'd say it was just on the spectrum of sexual attraction. But it's not worth your time to argue with them!

Yes this!

Biggest problem is finding a prtner when you don’t or can’t have sex.

All these asexuality is a spectum, there are asexuals who do have sex, just causes damage to those of us who actually are asexual.

And I don’t understand why they need the label, since as long as you have sex, people will date you.

Dating for example.
It’s pretty impossible when you donmt have sex to find someone who is okey with that.

Ah ok so if you're online dating on an asexuals-only site then you should be able to just swipe on whoever and date them, but now that there are people who have sex on there, you have to have the sex conversation pretty much as soon as you match to avoid confusion down the line? And presumably you might be pressured into doing it as a result?

Sorry if this is all obvious!

That, (I actually got into a talking with an ’asexual’ man, who started to insist there must be sex), but online places are also good to have conversations how isolating life as an ace is.
It’s pretty useless if most people aren’t like you at all and start arguing what it even means.

I can’t see how asexuality can be a spectrum - you either have interest in sex and want to do it or you don’t and won’t do it. If you like having sex once a year, you aren’t asexual - you just have an exceptionally low sex drive!

I can see why you’re frustrated OP. The rise in everyone needing to acquire an identity or label (instead of a personality and so they can be special imo) is leading to a lot of disruption communities where people who actually are that thing. Rather than using a word to describe something, they now describe peoples identities.

Its similar to people with autism finding that there are now a lot of people identifying as autistic taking up space, possibly resources, and changing the narrative around what it is to be autistic.

Or, dare I say it, Lesbian communities being full of men.

I'm not asexual. But I really don't understand how someone can say they are and yet be sexually active. Makes no sense to me!
Also means their experience as an asexual/sexual person is just not the same surely?

I don't know OP but this isn't the only thread I've seen on this topic, and I find it quite confusing.

AVEN used to be a really supportive space, I definitely found it accepting there when I was younger. People who liked some sex but had a very low drive or in specific circumstances only tended to call themselves grey-a or demisexual or use it as a discussion on the nature of sexuality / asexuality itself, not say "THIS is how it is and if you disagree, you're being phobic!" That is just shutting down discussion and doesn't seem helpful.

The only thing I can think is that it sort of reminds me of a really interesting (long) podcast interview with trans man Beau Brink, really opened my eyes to some of the appalling discrimination against LGBT+ people in some parts of the US, but it also addressed the conflict between some aspects of women's rights and some aspects of trans rights. They were talking about for example women feeling that they are no longer allowed to use the word "mother" or that the word "woman" is being erased. He was kind of sceptical about it, claiming nobody is banning any words, but the interesting point that he said was that under traditional gender roles, someone's sex or gender is basically defined as whether a person is in a "sexual target" class or "sexual competitor" class (this is a very male centric way to view it, but run with the theory for a moment) - and it's basically all about other people defining who is "man" vs who is "woman", especially "you're not a real man if you cry" / "you're not a real woman if you can't have children" kind of invalidation, but the trans movement is about people defining their own identity for themselves, and he reckons that benefits everybody, because it carries over to cis people too, being able to define themselves without being subject to invalidation by others.

That was the point where I disagreed, because I don't feel that being a woman is a case of identification. I agree about the fact that sex roles are placed on us based on whether we are "fuckable" vs "competition" and this is a problem that all sexism has roots in. But I think this is important because patterns of male violence and exploitation follow these lines. Your sex also has medical relevance, and therefore "woman" (or "female", I don't really mind) must necessarily be a protected characteristic, and therefore there needs to be some universal definition as to what that means, not just something that people can decide for themselves. I get the idea of defining yourself rather than being defined by others, I just think there are areas where it's important that there is a measurable definition. Like doctor. You wouldn't want any old random person to be able to identify as a doctor, you need to know that a medical doctor has the right qualifications and experience to be treating you. Or nationalities. I know there are arguments that nationalities should be abolished, but at least for the moment there are reasons that nationality needs to be proven and obtained through official means.

So anyway - I know that "asexual" has never been something that's legally defined, only self-defined, but it seems almost like the same conflict here? Your need/expectation that a category has a set meaning, and somebody else saying but that isn't inclusive, I want to be in this category but I also want X (or, sex!)

As far as I know, asexuality is just the inability to feel sexual attraction for others. Plenty of people can and do have sex without being sexually attracted to their partners.

How can someone be asexual if they enjoy sex?
How is this a spectrum? Surely it is the least spectrumy thing there is?

Yes.
This is the crux of it.

You put it into words better than I could in my angry haze😃, I appreciate it, thank you!

I always thought being asexual meant you didn't want sex with anyone but apparently there are grades of them, those who only want sex occasionally - greys, those who want a romantic relationship but little or no sex.
I put myself at the most extreme end aromantic asexual which is a person who doesn't want a romantic relationship and doesn't want sex either.
But that's only because I have been through the menopause and I've been married three times.
So I wasn't born asexual. I became asexual due to the menopause and not wanting any more relationships.

I’m absolutely certain this fake adopting of a marginalised identity is all social media driven. In fact I’ve seen it myself on Tiktok.

You can identify asexual and still have sex with people every night - that’s valid!

You can be transgender but make no effort to change your appearance whatsoever - that’s valid!

Being or feeling marginalised is so highly prized amongst young people they’ll fake it if they have to.

This seems to a thing that is going around these days.

Reading your comment brought into mind how many are now ’fluid’ or ’non binary’, while nothing have seemed to change, but at the same time everyone has to carefully tip-toe around so they don’t cause offence.

That’s what it used to mean.

(I hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way, but I literally laughed out loud to the ”because I’ve been married three times” part😀)

mostly seem to be young girls/women having sex with boys/men

Wtf? I'm assuming this was a mis-type?

A friend of mine is asexual because she doesn’t have any desire or need to have sex, but she does so for her partner’s benefit. She’s not disgusted by sex, she’s happy enough to do it but if he didn’t want to she would happily never have it again. She’s still asexual. She compares it to a woman going to a football match with her partner - she goes because it’s important to him and she doesn’t mind going, but that doesn’t make her a football fan.

Oh, yes teenagers.
Sorry, my bad.
I meant as in young people - not small children.