Absolute stupid question about asexuality and sexuality.

[AceNotInSpace]

Hi, I totally understand that this isin’t exactly the place to come and talk about asexuality, but I swear every single online space I have found and been part of, have kind of gone crazy.

Things seem to have gone strange in the past couple of years where a lot of people are now using the label asexuality.
I’m in online places to find people like me and talk about obstacles in our lives, but these days
they are pretty much filled with people who do have sex (mostly seem to be young girls/women having sex with boys/men) who say that they are ”aesthetically and emotionally attracted to” their partner / people and like the physical feeling of sex.
Isin’t this just the very average, very basic, very ’normal’ sexuality?
They want and have sex, they have libidos and they put them to use.

What makes this asexuality / part of asexual spectrum?

And now they are in asexual spaces telling pwoplw who are actually asexual, that they belong there, and if you question them, you are aphobic and excluding people.
In our own space.

What is this? Do they not realize they’re taking place from people who it actually belongs to?

Again, I can’t talk about this in these communities, because I get an angry mob after me, so I brought my beef here, I’m sorry 😅!

It's interesting to note how similar bellini's views on asexual people are to popular views 30-40 years ago about gay and lesbian people. "I don't mind what people do in private, I just don't need to hear about it."

The OP has been very clear that she is not looking to set up Asexual Day of Remembrance or a big Asexual Pride parade, she just wants to chat online with other people like her. As (for instance) I occasionally chat online with fellow cat owners and eczema sufferers. What on earth is wrong with that?

Erasure? LOL. Aren't we all sick to death of people talking about their various sexualities? There's not erasure, there is the very opposite of erasure. There is endless navel gazing about myriad sexualites, half of them at least invented last tuesday and often logically unlikely or linguistically nonsensical.

It's interesting to note how similar bellini's views on asexual people are to popular views 30-40 years ago about gay and lesbian people. "I don't mind what people do in private, I just don't need to hear about it

I think you'll find that's how most people feel about ALL people. Gay, straight, bi, asexual, whatever you want for yourself. Most of us can't imagine why it's anyones business what anyones sexuality is.

Erasure in the sense that it’s not something seen in media, there’s no representation in the ways there are for other sexualities. Now in reality I don’t care about this, it’s always nice to be represented but I’m not fighting for it. You don’t need to know or care a crumb about my sexuality. Again this is about people who are ace finding out about themselves. I really don’t think people understand how isolating it feels to not understand why you aren’t like other people. I am staggered at the lack of any level of empathy here. Being ace isn’t just some silly quirk that I force everyone around me to know about, there is a whole subset of the human experience that I will never know. I will never know romantic love, never have children, never grow old with anyone, none of that is my choice, that’s how I am. I’m glad that all these ‘made up’ sexualities are so amusing to you, but this is my life.

Exactly this. I don't mind if you want to sleep with men, women, both or no one. But there's no need to go on and on about it no matter which you are. I really don't care what people do sexually in private or who they do it with. But no I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to hear the details of a straight couples sex lives or gay couples. Or the ins and outs or someone who's asexual either. I don't mind a straight woman talking about her husband in conversation. I don't mind a gay man talking about his husband in conversation. I don't mind an asexual person saying they don't have a partner as they are asexual. But none of them need to go on about the details of their relationships or lack of.
I do think being asexual is a real thing though and if someone who is asexual wants to talk about it with other asexuals (or whoever wants to listen) then that's fine. I'm autistic and could happily ramble on about certain topics to people for hours but I don't as I know people aren't interested. But if I find a like minded person who wants to discuss my interest then great we can ramble on for hours together!

Of course asexual is a real thing, but its not like no-ones ever heard of it. They are characters in books and tv shows and films. I mean, do you need them to hold up a banner?

Yeah because me saying repeatedly that I'm very pro LGB rights is exactly the same as talking about asexuality - something that has never resulted in a person being subjected to legal sanction.

I need nothing. I’m so tired. You chose to come on a thread about asexuality, it’s not been forced on you.

"Do you berate gay people or bi people in the same way as you have gone in on these Ace people? They are also part of the same "alphabet woo" after all!"
I have repeatedly stated that I am against forced teaming of LGB with TQ+. I have repeatedly called out the homophobia and misogyny inherent in gender ideology. But you all love the idea that I'm a homophobe because you can't imagine anyone daring to say LGB is NOT anything like TQ+ stuff

I certainly don't think you are a homophobe, to be honest I made the assumption that you are a lesbian and that's why the topic is something you are so passionate about.

I think the point that is trying to be made (which is a complete derailment to the thread anyway) is the the A belongs with the LGB and not with the TQ+

That Asexual is a sexuality, not a gender ideology, not a kink, not anything else that has been tacked on in recent years - but a valid sexuality.

As long as people don't try and bore me with details of how they feel about their sexuality.

If A wants to be considered with LGB, I expect people to divorce themselves from the bullshit.

You keep saying that but what exactly does it mean?

How did they marry themselves to "the bullshit" in the first place?

You seem to have an issue with TWAW accessing female spaces and all of those legitimate concerns but none of the asexual people on this thread have said anything regarding trans ideology, neither in support of or against.

Asexuality has nothing to do with trans or gender ideology. An asexual person doesn't have to align or seperate themselves from the TQ+ group to exist any more than a straight person has to do the same.

They're totally different things; besides the TQ+ community exist within the LGBStraightAce communities too, so I'm not sure why there's an order for only Ace people to denounce TQ+ as if they naturally co-exist.

Make yourself part of the TQ+ and you are not prepared to call out rapists in women's prisons, not prepared to insist on same sex intimate care for severely disabled women, not prepared to keep men out of women's sports, not prepared to insist on single sex spaces, not prepared to keep teenage boys out of girls' toilets at school.
And I'm not interested in anything else you have to say.

I think we see it surging amoung young people as a pushback against hookup culture and the social idea that everybody wants casual sex and should be open to such encounters.

Some of it I think is geniune identification, people feel more able to relate to asexual than the hypersexuality of mainstream culture, even if they do have some interest in sex and experience attraction. And some I think is defensive, by identifing as asexual they put themselves under the umbrella of an orientation and the LGBTQ community and therefore they can claim it's bigoted to be negative about that.

Whereas if they say they are straight/gay/bi then there is a cultural expectation of embracing casual sex and if you enforce your boundaries about sexuality or prefer to wait until a certain point in a relationship you are uptight/prudish/old-fashioned.

I think that’s a really valid angle to put forward.

Younger generations are increasingly exposed to over sexualised material- Online porn, hook up sites, Love Island etc and the over sexualised “look” : inflated lips, exaggerated curves which is popular.

A teen who doesn’t think they fit into the sexualised, sex obsessed media image assume they’re “different” and search for a label to make them feel normal or acceptable.

Of course young adults have always been drawn to “tribes” or being part of a clan (see Goths, Emos ,Teddy boys, Hells Angels and so on)
The current trend is to join an online tribe based on a marginalised sexuality or identification.

I feel great sympathy for teens trying to navigate their way into adulthood these days. For all the furore over Inclusivity there are many lonely youngsters glued to their phones in their bedrooms wanting to be part of something.

Ah so glad to see this thread being taken over by people who don’t even believe asexuality exist. Brilliant

That’s really what op’s complaining about isn’t it?

Online support groups or dating sites set up for Asexual people are being taken over by adults wanting to deny the textbook definition of asexuality?
..demanding that asexuality be redefined to include anyone with a sex drive.

This.

These people consider themselves as ’demisexual’, and that’s fine, but not same as asexuality.

’Demisexuals’ want ’deep connection’ before sex. So they want to know the name of the person before fucking begins, basically.
But back to your point: that’s where they hide if they donmt want casual sex, but not to be called prude/boring/frigid.

There must be a reason these people are drawn to an asexual forum?

Perhaps some, if they’re honest are. asexual (dictionary definition: no sexual desire or attraction) but are desperately trying to convince themselves (and others) that they’re having sex with a partner because they like the closeness/find their partner aesthetically pleasing or whatever.

In fact the real reason they’re an asexual engaging in sex is because they want a boyfriend/girlfriend and are trying to fit themselves into a societal norm despite not feeling aroused or ever reaching an orgasm. And despite recognising they are asexual.

Im old and not up with all these sexual prefixes. In my day that would be called “lying back and thinking of England” to keep your husband.

I understand it must be frustrating when you’re looking for like minded asexual people but you must be able to seek out the ones who are similar to you and avoid engaging in pointless debates about the true definition of asexuality?

There must be a lot of people that don’t fit neatly into a category.
Those who are unable to have sex due to trauma or psychological reasons, hormone deficiencies, menopause or certain medications can eradicate sexual desire. Those people are essentially asexual but might not fit into a box with a label on it.

it's because a marginalised identity is social currency now. So middle-aged white men identify as women, people who have sex identify as asexual etc.

Basically, identity politics was invented so that those who felt power slipping from their hands could take it back.

I'm not sure asexual people have ever had any power, and they certainly don't now! (Maybe in mediaeval times when celibacy was seen as holy and women could gain some power via joining a convent.)

I think the main problem is that online spaces are disproportionately inhabited by people who have issues of some sort, compared to the population as a whole. And this may be particularly the case in online spaces related to sexuality. Also, online it's much easier for a small number of posters to disrupt an entire community than it is in person.

Are there any in-person asexual meet-up groups? That might be better, though I imagine they'd be confined to large cities.

I would say sexual identity politics is more than “social currency” although you have a point.

I’ve worked with teens and it’s not only positively trendy to give yourself a precise sexual label and make this your identity but it’s almost expected by your peer group.
A lot of this stems from wanting to fit in or finding a “tribe” with young adults and enjoying warring with other tribes by weaponising mental health labels and throwing around accusations of non inclusivity.

In part, it’s the arrogance of youth- every generation thinks they’ve reinvented the wheel and are superior to their older generations.
In general teens are more likely to indulge in navel gazing and self absorption (and make mistakes along the way) they’re trying to find out how to fit into the adult world.

The truth is most teens haven’t worked out who they are yet, haven’t quite matured emotionally and have very little sexual experience on which to base their “coming out” with an unnecessarily prescriptive sexual identity.

"Demisexuals’ want ’deep connection’ before sex."

Isn't that like ... most people.?