Absolute stupid question about asexuality and sexuality.

[AceNotInSpace]

Hi, I totally understand that this isin’t exactly the place to come and talk about asexuality, but I swear every single online space I have found and been part of, have kind of gone crazy.

Things seem to have gone strange in the past couple of years where a lot of people are now using the label asexuality.
I’m in online places to find people like me and talk about obstacles in our lives, but these days
they are pretty much filled with people who do have sex (mostly seem to be young girls/women having sex with boys/men) who say that they are ”aesthetically and emotionally attracted to” their partner / people and like the physical feeling of sex.
Isin’t this just the very average, very basic, very ’normal’ sexuality?
They want and have sex, they have libidos and they put them to use.

What makes this asexuality / part of asexual spectrum?

And now they are in asexual spaces telling pwoplw who are actually asexual, that they belong there, and if you question them, you are aphobic and excluding people.
In our own space.

What is this? Do they not realize they’re taking place from people who it actually belongs to?

Again, I can’t talk about this in these communities, because I get an angry mob after me, so I brought my beef here, I’m sorry 😅!

It's almost like people who don't have kids or even like kids coming onto a parenting site to waffle away about their sexual or non sexual boxes. Bizarre. Baffling even.

If you are not sexually attracted to anyone then you are asexual. It does not matter if you masturbate or enjoy the act of sex

If a heterosexual woman does not masturbate or enjoy sex than that does not make her any less heterosexual.

If you feel horny or have sexual feelings but don't feel attracted to someone, you're not asexual. You're sex-averse or any other word for not wanting to have sex wirh someone. You are still a sexual person, just towards yourself or vibrator. 😉

Totally!

"So your benchmark for oppression is death? You can't be a minority sexuality unless you've been murdered and opressed?"

It's a good start for judging whether a group is oppressed. Then if they lose legal rights that everyone has for being who they are.

What rights are asexual people being denied?

Sexuality and sex are different things. One is about attraction, the other is about physical pleasure. Anyone can have sex if they choose to. But you don't have a choice over who you are attracted to.
Gay men have been able to have sex with women for years. Lesbians marry men and have sexual relationships. Because you don't actually have to be sexually attracted to someone to be able to have sex with them. You just need to be horny.
Sex is about libido (or a physical act done to maintain a relationship). It really is simple. Asexual people do not feel sexual attraction to anyone. Their libido is a different thing altogether. Everyone's sex drive is different. Hetero people can have zero sex drive. It doesn't suddenly make them asexual.

This thread is so harsh, and not aligned with vote, seems those who want to kick kick.

It is frustrating when a community which worked for you as a place for meeting and sharing with people like you gets taken over by people who don't share the basic trait. Doesn't matter what is the topic.

Yes, I kind of get the irony of MN starting as a parenting site and growing into life, universe and everything, but I'd doesn't make your situation less frustrating.
And, at least, non-parents here don't claim being parents, just without the children, so it isn't the same thing.

This is pretty much what I though too.

Now, I’m a grown ass woman, and can tell them to buzz off.
But then being told by other ’aces’ that it’s me being the problem.
It’s annoying, but I can move on.

I’m more worried about younger people and how much their boundaries are pushed.

There also seems to be, usually, guys who claim to be ’demisexuals’ and they use it as a line to reel in women.
Kind of like love bombing. I.e : ”usually it takes me time to build a connection, but you are so special, I’m already attracted to you” kind of bs lines.

Sorry OP don't mean to be rude, I can imagine your position is frustrating but why not ditch the online stuff, get out there, meet humans in the flesh and be upfront with any prospective partner about what you want out of life and just hope for the best.

This is not a bad advice in and off itself.
But in reality, it just doesn’t work.
Everytime it has been a deal breaker, even if the person already knew me/ claimed to like me.
My changes if finding a partner out in the real world are slim to none.
Also, I don’t want to risk men who get angry, I’ve shouted some serious abuse once I’ve told them.

That’s why I need these online places, so I could find, in theory at least, someone like me.

Unless you are LGB, you're just a straight person trying to cosplay oppression

How am I straight, when I’m not attracted to the opposite sex?

I’m not L, as I’m not attracted to the same sex either.

Not saying I’m oppressed, so not trying to cosplay anything.

Not that long ago on here, someone who claimed to be an asexual women said that asexuals can have sex but won't enjoy it. Well kinda,.the gist was they'd enjoy the intimacy but not the act.
They also said children identifying as asexual was aok.
They didn't seem to join the dots.
I can join the dots. Unfortunately your identity has been coopted by the +p of LGBTQ+.

I'd distance myself from the label for that reason and just put a sentence or so explaining you just want companionship without intimacy or some such like they did in 90s personal ads.

Hi, I want to come at this from a position of respect. I have found some of your comments a bit short sighted but I hope you are open to having an open discussion.

I am asexual and I don’t consider myself to be oppressed. Not in the way that other minorities are. I do not however, speak for all asexuals and there are issues that will affect people such as forced marriage, virgin shaming, feeling a general sense of otherness. (I relate to those last two things).

I have always fought against the idea that having this ‘label’ was a way for me to feel ‘special’ or ‘unique’ it was quite the opposite, it helped me understand who I was and why I was the way I am. It can feel very lonely to be surrounded by people in normal loving relationships and wondering why I’m so different, was I broken or defective? Nope, I’m ace. I can share my experiences with similar people and see how gosh darn normal I am.

I think another issue is the idea that it’s related to sex. It’s about attraction sure, but when I say I’m ace I’m not declaring to the world whether I have sex or not. Of course no one cares about that. But ‘coming out’ as asexual allowed my family and friends to understand me better, to know that I’m not pining away for a relationship, or having numerous secret affairs. I’m happy being me and I’m happy being alone. Other asexuals may still want the relationship side, and may well compromise on still having sex. I am not a gatekeeper of what makes someone asexual.

I really hope you will consider some of these points and see it with the intention it is meant with.

@AsexualNotNonsexual and @slashlover
Thank you both for replying. I do appreciate it. You both seem to be saying the opposite so I'm guessing people within the asexual community take different positions on this.

@badnomad that makes sense to me.

@AlizeeEasy , thank you for taking the time to respond. What you have described is a personality trait and the reaction of bad friends who try to pigeon hole people not in a relationship. I've met people with those ridiculous attitudes towards those who don't follow their path. I have family members, friends and colleagues who haven't married, paired up, been in many relationships. Clearly out of choice. I'm in my late 50s. I've seen and experienced a lot of humanity.
What adults decide about their life is none of my business.
However, I am bored of being told this is part of the alphabet community and that if you don't support the aims of all the alphabet community you are a traitor. Some people are LGB. Get over it. The rest is just straight or gay people describing themselves in a way to make life feel more comfortable.

People who feel comfortable not being in relationships are part of the general community, they don't need treating with kid gloves. They are not oppressed and marginalised. Maybe they just need better friends.

Just to clear things.
Is gay/straight/bi , also ’just a personality trait’?

No. 3 sexual orientations, 2 sexes. 7.8 billion personalities.

No. 3 sexual orientations, 2 sexes. 7.8 billion personalities.

Ok, so which sex/gender are asexual people sexually attracted to?

Maybe those people you feel don't belong are trying to work out where they fit with their sexuality? Does someone questioning if they are gay belong in a place where they can hear other experiences and process their own thoughts and experiences? Maybe it will help them sort it?

I've never felt like everyone else in that I don't get people who 'check out' others and find them 'hot'. When I was younger men married women, then some people were gay and that became more acceptable. There wasn't really any idea that some people didn't fit the norms or weren't sexually driven. I argued with my parents that sex was a want, not a need. They felt it was a need. I just couldn't see it. They thought I was just a late developer in that way.

A few years ago I heard the term 'asexual'. I read a bit about it and wondered if I leaned that way. Not completely though. I don't worry about labels but I'd probably fit with demi-sexual more. If the emotional connection isn't there, I don't feel it. Why wouldn't there be room in that community for someone like me who is learning and questioning new ideas to explore that? Otherwise it's a bit alienating to feel you think you're different than most people and not understand it.

I do disagree with your assertion that it is just a personality trait. Sexuality has a spectrum and asexuality fits within that spectrum. I see it as the flip side of being pansexual.

I guess I don’t view the alphabet community as being solely about groups who are oppressed. I think it’s about celebrating diversity and spreading awareness. I only found out about asexuality because I stumbled across a YouTube video about it, and suddenly my whole life made sense. If this was something that was taught alongside discussions in school about being gay (even just a tiny footnote in the lesson would be an improvement) I would have been spared years of questioning and doubt. There really isn’t an issue with my friends or family, I have always been loved and supported, but I know people worry and this alleviated their concerns about me.

I have spoken to older people who now identify as ace who didn’t know about it when they were young, so they did what they thought they should, they got married and struggled their whole lives with their feelings knowing it wasn’t right. I don’t see this situation as being any different to a gay person forcing themselves to be in a straight marriage. They are lying to themselves and living a life they aren’t comfortable with. This is why I think awareness is important. We should all be free to be ourselves, that’s what I love about the lgbt+ community.

It's funny how people accept that you can be attracted to men, or you can be attracted to women, or you can be attracted to both. But if you're attracted to neither, that's "just a personality trait", not a sexuality.

A community that supports rapists in women's prisons or who doesn't speak out about it, is not a community I can support. LGB is slowly divorcing the rest of the alphabet. As it should.
Call out the rapists and the AGPs and I'll take you seriously.

I…what? Why are you bringing up your (I’m assuming) anti trans rhetoric into a discussion about asexuality?

None.

If someone's sexually attracted to any sex but non-sexual, then they're either straight or gay/lesbian who just doesn't like to have sex.