Absolute stupid question about asexuality and sexuality.

[AceNotInSpace]

Hi, I totally understand that this isin’t exactly the place to come and talk about asexuality, but I swear every single online space I have found and been part of, have kind of gone crazy.

Things seem to have gone strange in the past couple of years where a lot of people are now using the label asexuality.
I’m in online places to find people like me and talk about obstacles in our lives, but these days
they are pretty much filled with people who do have sex (mostly seem to be young girls/women having sex with boys/men) who say that they are ”aesthetically and emotionally attracted to” their partner / people and like the physical feeling of sex.
Isin’t this just the very average, very basic, very ’normal’ sexuality?
They want and have sex, they have libidos and they put them to use.

What makes this asexuality / part of asexual spectrum?

And now they are in asexual spaces telling pwoplw who are actually asexual, that they belong there, and if you question them, you are aphobic and excluding people.
In our own space.

What is this? Do they not realize they’re taking place from people who it actually belongs to?

Again, I can’t talk about this in these communities, because I get an angry mob after me, so I brought my beef here, I’m sorry 😅!

Not according to demisexuals.

And again, scamming people into joining the TQ+ cult. "We are the only people who understand you. So you'll obviously want to agree to everything we want. Because, if you don't, no one else will care about you"
Tragic stuff

I don’t see why people labelling themselves as “Demi sexual” need to join a support group or label themselves on dating sites.

Its not that problematic or frowned upon to not like casual meaningless sex is it?

I suppose they’re trying to join asexual forums because they want to feel part of an online community, and enjoy talking about themselves and feeling a bit special

Im not going to sneer about people declaring themselves Demi sexual. I expect most are confused youngsters desperate to work out their identity and feel accepted.
I suspect they’ll cringe about it all when they’re older and wiser.

IDK. I used to post on AVEN back when I was about probably 17/18, because I was extremely confused about my sexuality, wasn't sure if I was gay or straight, relationship attempts up to that point had been totally disastrous and I could not understand all the stuff that was happening around me, friends swapping stories about crushes, first boyfriends. I was desparate for somebody to like me and felt like the oldest virgin in the world and just could not make sense of the messages I was receiving vs my own experience and, basically, thought I was broken.

I thought maybe I was asexual and that's why it didn't make sense. Then later I realised I did actually like (some) men and so I thought oh, OK, perhaps I'm demisexual then. And maybe I am or I'm not or who even cares anyway, because it doesn't matter (and I don't "need" those sites any more, but maybe I would if I was long term single or dating) - I think that actually, I was probably just a late bloomer, but even so, it was helpful to have access to a space that said no, you're not broken, no, those messages are confusing because they don't match up with your experience for a reason (even if the reason might have been the wrong one), and basically, it's OK! I got the message from the Ace community: It's OK not to want sex. It's OK not to have sex. You do not have to have sex with people to feel worthy of their love or affection. And perhaps, I could have also got this message from feminism, but for whatever reason, I did not at that time. Maybe it's because the discussion at AVEN did not shy away from the fact that most adults looking for relationships with other adults expect and want sex, and if you don't, then it is likely to cause a problem and conflict, and how to deal with that / the rejection that comes with that, the pressure, resentment etc. Feminism (is great but) I didn't really get a sense of how to navigate relationships with men who probably wanted to have sex without ending up feeling exploited, it was just kind of well, if a man is pressuring you for sex then he's being abusive, which is true, but also, most adults do want to have some sex in a relationship even if they would not pressure somebody into it.

Since I'm not asexual I won't comment on whether it should be part of LBGTQ+ but that was not particularly something I was looking for at the time I was there.

That’s such a touching honest account @BertieBotts
Bless your 17 year old self- I think your feelings about sex then are so common. I know I had disastrous relationship attempts and just felt generally confused too.
Im not sure if internet spaces for sexual preferences would have helped or hindered me as a teen the internet wasn’t around then.
It sounds like you found some comfort and gained self confidence from them.

There seems so much pressure on teens now to declare their sexual identity and wear that label with pride- with a million different prefixes to choose from.

I suppose who is to judge if people are posting conflicting views on asexual sites. Perhaps people shouldn’t be policed by “true” asexuals but left to find their own way?

Id certainly avoid getting into heated debates on your forums op on what asexuality means?
Some maybe confused, some may be (trolls) deliberately goading and controversial to provoke a reaction.

This

This is easy to say when you’re not one.
I would love to just ’live my life’ but since I would like to find a partner, have a romantic relationship and love in this life of mine.
I need to have these places, so I can find one, I can’t really go on the average dating sites, did that - and just got abuse from people.
But what is the point of having asexual sites, if they are also demanding sex?
And they can have sex, why not just go to regular site, you know, where everyone is willing to fuck? Why would these people need these sites, since they are like the vast majority of population?
So they do kind of take away from people who actually are asexuals.

Asexuality must be very difficult I imagine. A bit like not being able to taste delicious food (sorry if that’s a terrible analogy)

If it’s any consolation I think OLD is a minefield for many (of any sexual orientation) lots of people looking for relationships but getting hassled or duped by posters just looking for no strings sex.

Asexuality must be very difficult I imagine. A bit like not being able to taste delicious food (sorry if that’s a terrible analogy)

More accurate would be: ”why is everyone so obsessed with this absolutely bland faff and on top of it makes it into, make it or break kind of a deal, when it doesn’t even hold any meaning to it?”

😅 It is a puzzle I will never understand!

Posted too soon.

The point is that it’s not ’delicious’ nor missing out.
Because it holds no meaning or value.
Can’t miss something you don’t care about.

Right, thanks op, that makes sense!

@AceNotInSpace I don't think the problem is with sexual people hijacking the space, but rather with the definition being far too wide. It's all a lot of nonsense, really. Nothing fits. One percent suggests a tiny minority. Yet I remember some years ago talking about attitudes to sex with 5 friends at varying times. Of the 6 of us, only 2 met the criteria to be classed as sexual by the current definition. That would suggest two thirds are asexual? Highly unlikely. Ridiculous definition. Are we really supposed to believe that 99 percent of people see people they don't know and think 'I want to jump them'? I fit the definition for demi sexual, and really don't see how it can be considered part of asexuality. Then the definition groups as asexual those who want to have sex simply for physical sensation. There must be sexual attraction there. Otherwise it would be repulsive. We're also told that asexuals like kissing. Well, sorry, but kissing is sexual, unless you're talking about a peck on the lips. The terms are dreadful - asexual heteroromantic, for example. Romance is sexual, no matter how you might feel about penis being inserted into vagina. Loads of women can't climax through p in v. Many think sex as such is over rated. Many prefer other women. Yet none are asexual. The official definition distinguishes between romantic and sexual relationships, but to my mind the only true asexual people are those who are completely uninterested in romantic relationships - the definition calls them aromantic. I once watched a you tube video showing an interview with a girl who clearly just didn't 'get it' with romance/sex, and couldn't understand the concept of exclusivity, or of cheating. Couldn't distinguish between friend and romantic partner. There was a true asexual. The quizzes designed to spot asexuality are useless and assume everyone sees sex in the same very narrow way.

@AceNotInSpace I feel for you, OP, but try not to let this get in the way of finding 'the one'. Focus first of all on just getting to know a potential partner. Worrying about sex or no sex will just make things tense. Remember there's a whole spectrum of sexual appetites. Sex is thrown in our faces so much that it's easy to start thinking everyone sees it as the utmost priority, but it isn't true. Anyone who pressurises you into having sex before you're ready isn't worth bothering about. A tiny minority of people still want to wait until marriage. Why should it be different wanting to delay sex for other reasons? Once you feel comfortable with the right person you should be able to reach a compromise. Many couples have to compromise, not just sexual/asexual partnerships. Many people who consider themselves asexual enjoy having sex because it pleases their partners. Some people who would rather have sex are happy to abstain because they love their asexual partners. It really doesn't help to label yourself, and if you restrict yourself to finding someone exactly like you it won't work because everyone is unique. Good luck.