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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sending 7 year old to boarding school

528 replies

Bringonsummer19 · 11/05/2023 00:14

So my daughter is currently away (8) on her first residential trip. She is away from Wednesday through to Friday. I already miss her so much and it got me thinking of my sister who is sending her 7 year old away to boarding school in September. Her husband is in the army so will subsidise the fees and it’s aimed at continuity of education. Nonetheless my sister does not work and therefore could settle with DS (albeit husband would have to commute to army base) and they couldn’t afford private school fees.

im i unreasonable to think that 7 is just too young to be away from home unless there is a really valid reason (eg husband posted to Iran)

OP posts:
Simonjt · 11/05/2023 00:18

Unless a child has additional needs that cannot be met in the family home they should not be sent to a boarding/residential school.

My husband was sent to boarding school when he was eight, he didn’t have a name, he had a number. Its a fairly well known school in the UK, and despite having a huge problem with bullying, racism and sexual assault it is still sadly a popular school.

NandorsFamilar · 11/05/2023 00:18

I'm with you- I could not do it.
There was a TV programme about kids off to boarding school at a young age and most hated it. (as did my husband, although he was an ancient 11 and there were very sound and complex reasons for it)

I have realised some parents hate being parents, so maybe your sister is not loving her parent status and this is a good solution?

YeahOkWhatever · 11/05/2023 00:22

I just find this incredibly upsetting for the child. Often in some of the most neglectful etc situation children still want their parents. Unless this was absolutely necessary I.e. complex support needs requiring residential school , no way would I send them away. Poor kid.

UndercoverCop · 11/05/2023 00:26

Why is your sister sending her child away when she doesn't even work? Even if her husband was posted to the middle East, she wouldn't go, she'd stay here and look after her child?!

Jackiedoespolo · 11/05/2023 00:27

Can’t get my head around people wanting to have kids and then choosing to send them to boarding school, I can’t see how this wouldn’t be heartbreaking for everyone involved. On the other hand, I mean if you really didn’t want kids or find them impossible after having them - then maybe 🤷‍♀️

Aquamarine1029 · 11/05/2023 00:28

I would lose all respect for my sister in this situation, and I doubt I would keep my opinion to myself. That poor little girl. Someone needs to speak up for her.

Original poster
Bringonsummer19 · 11/05/2023 00:31

I think it’s the prestige of the boarding school. The name of it. Without the army subsidising it they couldn’t afford it. Equally they learn so much from being at home that I don’t believe school is everything

OP posts:
Smallyellowbird · 11/05/2023 00:34

Your poor nephew - have you talked to her about why she's doing this? And why her husband is supporting her?

If your sister and BIL don't like parenting could she not get a job and a nanny? Or send nephew5 to an international school where ever it is her husband is posted, and sign him up to lots of aftershool activities?

Aquamarine1029 · 11/05/2023 00:36

I'm sorry, I thought the child was a girl, but my opinion still stands. It's a horrible decision.

Okthenhun · 11/05/2023 00:37

It's cruel and can cause lifelong trauma. End of discussion.

MintJulia · 11/05/2023 00:42

For some army parents, boarding schools can be useful although I agree that seven or eight seems too young to me. I don't understand why your dsis would settle on this solution if she doesn't work, To me it would be a last resort.

Maybe she isn't keen on being a mum.

squidgybits · 11/05/2023 00:52

No chance!

clpsmum · 11/05/2023 00:57

Omg that's actually heartbreaking tbh. What a rejection for your poor DN

custardbear · 11/05/2023 01:00

I always hated boarding schools, I told my mum when I was about 8-9 I wasn't going to go and never did. I've had friends who have terrible times, more rate to have had a good time IME.
Now my own child is 14 and MH ASD issues have arisen as a young teen, I like them even less, I literally couldn't consider someone else who doesn't have any vested interest in my child's welfare raising them for me. It's lazy parenting for a 'better education'

caringcarer · 11/05/2023 01:40

My DD went to an independent school as a day girl but many of her friends boarded full time. One friend, a Chinese girl often stayed at our house over the half term because it was too far for her to go back home to China for 7 days. I must say none of my dad's friends seemed to mind boarding. I think it depends on the personality of the child. All DD's friends seemed outgoing and confident but I can see how a shy or awkward child might not like it.

DiscoBeat · 11/05/2023 01:52

im i unreasonable to think that 7 is just too young to be away from home
No you're not. It's far too young in my opinion.

chloe11b · 11/05/2023 02:08

I feel sorry for this child

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 11/05/2023 02:33

Depends on the child.
I know 3 who went at that age, 2 loved it and still do, 1 liked it at first but doesn't anymore so has gone to half board instead.

MysteryBelle · 11/05/2023 02:47

Never ever, could never send a little child off to boarding school. It is cruel.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 11/05/2023 03:15

I can get head around day and occasional boarding at this age, it's very fluid and you can take your cue from your child. But full time boarding? Nope, no way, no how.

Angelil · 11/05/2023 03:29

I couldn’t do it. I would miss the day to day stuff too much: bedtime cuddles in the morning, having breakfast with them, baking, taking them to clubs (some of the clubs we go to you stay and participate with your kid), having them jump off your sofa pretending to be a ninja, them having the freedom to go to the fridge and get out a snack, then helping you set the table, the whole bustle of getting ready for school, bedtime stories, then telling you about their day on the way home…why would anyone want to miss those things?

Startwithamimosa · 11/05/2023 03:33

It sounds horrible, although it's her business so I don't think you saying anything will make any difference. I personally dont understand it, I've been looking at nurseries and some babies are there from 7.30am to 5.30pm as young as 6 months old, it's heartbreaking. It just doesn't make sense to me at all.

Babyimyours · 11/05/2023 04:11

It’s barbaric. It should be illegal, unless it’s for serious additional needs.
My grandfather and his brother were sent at 5 and 3 respectively. To hear him talk about it, it was like he was still that baby left on a train station. He had to look after his brother who cried for months.
I know someone who was sent at eight, from an army family. He cried when he talked about it. I believe it creates a wound in a person that lasts for life. Many men who were sent away struggle to forgive their parents and struggle with relationships. Some are abused. Look up boarding school syndrome.
Consider saying something to your sister. At least then you have done all you can to protect your nephew from future damage. My heart breaks for him.

Florenz · 11/05/2023 04:19

It works for some kids, not for others. There's no right or wrong way to raise children. I always wanted to go to boarding school but my parents couldn't afford it.

I think people romanticise family life at home, mother and father idyllically playing with their children far too much. For most families it isn't like that at all.

Sending kids at 5 (and especially) 3 does seem a bit young though. Junior school age is fine.

awakeeveeynight · 11/05/2023 04:20

I agree it's really cruel. I know 2 people who went to boarding school from 7 and they're both poorly developed people in terms of their emotions and happiness. They're both successful in their careers but have crap personal lives. I know what I'd prefer for my own children.