Sending 7 year old to boarding school

[Bringonsummer19]

So my daughter is currently away (8) on her first residential trip. She is away from Wednesday through to Friday. I already miss her so much and it got me thinking of my sister who is sending her 7 year old away to boarding school in September. Her husband is in the army so will subsidise the fees and it’s aimed at continuity of education. Nonetheless my sister does not work and therefore could settle with DS (albeit husband would have to commute to army base) and they couldn’t afford private school fees.

im i unreasonable to think that 7 is just too young to be away from home unless there is a really valid reason (eg husband posted to Iran)

Was it really necessary to drop that in there? Sending your child to nursery so you can work is essential for many people to provide for their child. Boarding school is not. Children who go to nursery spend every morning, evening, bedtime and weekend with their parents. It's not remotely comparable. And as I'm sure you know most of the countries that have high workforce participation from women with children going to nursery from when they are babies have better mental health scores for children and adults than we do, as well as less inequality and childhood poverty. No such outcomes from boarding schools.

It’s horrible. My DH boarded from 7 (same set up, SAHM but the children were sent away at 7) and is not an emotionally healthy adult - I’m still finding more and more damage after 17 years of us being together. It’s very challenging to be married to someone with this upbringing, that’s for sure.

All of the people I know who went to boarding schools from primary age are seriously messed up in one way or another. Either traumatised, lacking empathy, or overcompensating for everything, or just a total mess in their private lives and unable to form or sustain meaningful bonds or express affection in the normal way. Not seeing your parents for weeks or months at a time is not natural so it's not surprising.

Those who were day boarders seem to be mostly fine, unless they were at one of the particularly bad schools with terrible bullying.

But no, not in a million years would I do that to a small child, not even if they paid me. They might have a path to become financially successful, but that can be done without boarding or indeed without private school at all. But you're almost guaranteeing them a life of sadness in terms of mental health and relationships if you send them off to board at 7.

I think 7 is very young but then I know many people who boarded at seven who are absolutely fine; I was desperate to board from eight, but wasn't allowed - possibly because my school was a five minute walk from home! Boarding is definitely not for everyone but for the 'right' child at - and this is the most important bit! - the 'right school for them' it can offer the most complete education and create very happy, resilient and confident adults. I think a big problem is parents not being careful enough, or realistic enough, about whether the school is a good fit for their child and for example sending their nervous wallflower to a large, sporty school because "prestige". But done right, it's certainly not always the wrong choice. Most people saying it's evil etc have no experience of it, or they maybe met someone once who said they or someone they knew had a horrid time - or maybe they watched a telly show saying how evil it is (any chance interviewees might've been picked to fit the narrative?!); many, many others had a wonderful time and send their own children as they understand the benefits. Having said all that, seven is very young and it I would be very cautious if it were my children; I'd personally not allow full boarding that young, or probably any boarding at all to be honest other than maybe very special occasions if they really begged! I'd start allowing flexi at maybe nine, probably ten and weekly from eleven or twelve - but that's more about my feelings than the child's. Like I say, many go from seven and grow up to be happy, well-adjusted adults, it really depends on the child and the school. It does sound like maybe your sister is having her head turned because the school is prestigious and that could be a worry; it doesn't matter how famous the name, if it's not a good fit it will very likely make the child very unhappy and probably result in a poor long-term outlook, both educationally and psychologically.

@LostRahRah was going to say the exact same thing. I'm a midwife, my soon to be one year old will be going to the on site nursery from 8-6pm at least twice a week. My husband works shifts so hopefully we can reduce the amount of childcare necessary for our family. He has only just left the military, guaranteed if he'd still been in, I would've had to go back to work earlier and DS would be in nursery full time so we can make ends meet. You can't compare the two, but to the pp, what a stealthy way to make parents feel shit 🙄

I'd love to meet one of these well adjusted adults who went to boarding school aged 7. Out of my sample of a few hundred I don't know a single one. Some of them may be so messed up that they think they are a well-adjusted, normal adult, and socialise mainly with others who are messed up in the same way so reinforce this view, but they absolutely are not well-adjusted when assessed against any of the criteria that those who grew up in a family environment would use to make such a judgement.

It's possible that my sample is scewed by the school and University I went to, the career I have, and just random chance, but it seems unlikely to me given I've met so many from this background and got to know a large proportion of them fairly well and that they are all, without exception, screwed up by it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I do agree that - depending on the child and school fit - weekly boarding from maybe 10 or 11 onwards may not be damaging in the same way if the child wants to do it. But please, let's not pretend that sending a 7 year old off to live away from their family and see them only every few months doesn't have lifelong consequences. It does.

I think boarding from 7 is likely to cause life long serious consequences, many of which won’t be fully known until adulthood.
Unless your child has very significant SEN that can’t be met safely in the home then most parents would be wise to wait until AT LEAST 11. Personally I wouldn’t allow my child to board until 16.
I went to boarding school for a year at 14 in a well respected school. I was exposed to a level of bulling, drugs, sex and other stuff that I had never experienced in my bog standard comprehensive. There is not really much care at that age, it’s more checking you are in the right places at the right time.

It was a horrendous comment, a false equivalence, and completely unsupported by data. Copious data shows the opposite in fact. These are probably the same type of posters who'd be complaining how feckless people are if they didn't work and provide for their children. Ignore. It's rubbish.

I don't know any families that have sent them off at age 7, vast majority start at 11. I'd be internally questioning/judging my sister tbh. There's very few postings overseas that don't have international schooling at primary level.

And even if they do, the partner and child is not forced to go!

Also true, and they usually stipulate whether the family is expected to go... Usually for diplomatic purposes, if not its an unaccompanied posting.

I can’t fathom a child that she being sent to boarding school.

I understand for high school if there is a need (parents travelling for work, continuity of education etc), but no way for primary school unless it’s a complex special needs case and is part of the endorsed intervention/assistance process.

Terrible idea.
Your nephew could still attend the school but as a day student, with your sister living nearby, until he was at least 13 years old.
She could have the prestige and get to know whether that school was suiting her DS.
Is your BIL applying for an over seas posting?
Do both parents agree with th boarding school idea?

It could really back fire and cause many anxieties and great stress for the child making it difficult for him to attend boarding school happily when he is a teenager - when it would be the most useful time for him and his parents.

I would not send a child that young to a boarding school. I think that a child needs to be at secondary school age for boarding school. I know here in Ireland that most people start secondary school at 12 or 13. In Dublin their are a number of private fee paying day schools and their are a number of boarding schools in the whole country.

I went to a boarding school. I was glad to get away from some of the people in my primary school. Even to this day they think where we grow up is the only place on earth. Yes some of them are big fish in their minds but only in a very small pond.
I got chances, did extra circular activities ect and did far better in the leaving cert (Irish A levels) than would have done going to the local poor secondary school.

I also think that boarding schools suit some children better than others. A child has to want to go their as well. Children then can blossom with smaller classes. Also I found that parents who send their kids to boarding schools are generally educated, professionals who wanted their kids to do well. Also if a child was causing a lot of problems in a boarding school they will be given chances but then expelled if they continue to misbehave or brake the rules.

I know kids who recently left boarding school and they are good kids, did well in exams and are doing well in university. They are good mixers with good social skills. Also their parents know people in companies act where the kids can get work experience to help them career wise.

Oh dear. 🫣 Anybody who needs a parent to tap up contacts for them to be able to sort out their career is a very sad case indeed and living proof that money spent on their education was wasted, if they lack the skills and initiative to be able to make their own way on their own merit.

7 is far too young for boarding school imo, unless you have absolutely no choice (both parents in the forces for instance). If I was in the same position as your sister, I would settle in an area with a good state school at least until secondary age.

7 is far too young. On paper I have the sort of 7 year old child it would suit- v independent, confident loves being around peers but she opens up at night, needs cuddles at bed time, needs to talk about her day. There is no way I’d send her away- it would be devastating for her and us. And if she wouldn’t manage at 7, I’d suggest it is a very rare child indeed that could without some damage at that age.

This is the thing. They have no way to contact you and say "I'm sad, I need to talk", or "I want to come home". Forced to bury emotions and cope alone to try to fit in with peers and no matter how kind the staff are, no affection or love. To do this to a child in early childhood is so obviously damaging - and child no matter how independent and robust and resilient - that it's surprising it apparently merits a discussion. There are many sad specimens of living proof wandering around attempting to overcompensate through their careers if anybody needs to check what is blatantly obvious: that a child raised without love will be permanently damaged, even if they are lucky enough that the environment they are in is stimulating and generally kind.

*any child

I went to boarding school for continuity of education (in hindsight: correct decision by my parents) because of the military.

I went for secondary though. Most of my friends went at the same age. Officers kids (sons mostly) went at 7. They grew up damaged.

Things have changed but. Meh. I wouldn't. But i can see why some would (although IME and that of my friends, and later army colleagues the forces schools are fine at primary)

Im not pro boarding school, but I do think Army families are in a difficult situation. Many are trying to provide some stability and boarding does give that as an option. Boarding school has changed hugely in recent years. Many are flexi-boarding and parents often see children during the week and have them home for weekends. The majority are not a whole term away from home and no contact in the first few months. Equally, I think parents of children who have a certain gift are in a tricky spot. If that’s what the child desperately wants and it’s the only way to pursue that as a career, then it’s something they would consider. The other situation I know of where I think it makes sense is removing children from gang situations or when they have emotional or SEN issues that the school is specifically equipped to work on. I think lots of people see it as black and white and it isn’t always, there are situations where families are in difficult situations and that seems to be the best of tricky options.

If the sister’s husband is in the army, it’s not a cut and dry issue. The dad could be posted anywhere and some children don’t benefit from the moving schools etc. every year or so and having to make new friends. Some parents have mental health issues from time serving in the army. (Not saying her husband does, but PTSD is not unheard of in serving officers.) Perhaps they feel this is the best option they can find for their child. Some families find travelling together works really well and children end up better off because of it, others find their children never make friends and suffer hugely because of it. Some families are in a position to buy a house and have one parent remain while the other travels, but others are not. Some families worry about the emotional pressure of constantly knowing that parent is away in a dangerous place and how they will be when they come home. I would try and support your sister. I’m sure she’s made a very tough decision and will struggle a lot after her child goes away. Is it a flexible boarding school where weekends are at home and there are often week events that parents travel down to?

I’m actually personally anti private and boarding schools (in terms of equal opportunity), but my cousin went because she was approaching exam years and the only place her parents could get jobs were the Middle East. She visited regularly and went from a day to a boarding pupil and enjoyed it. She was much older though, which makes a big difference. I also think it’s very personality dependent. A sensitive child may not be suited at all and it can be incredibly traumatising. However I don’t see it as something I don’t have empathy for in certain situations and an army family never has an easy choice.

Why does the army subsidise boarding school? Is this only at certain ranks? I am astonished that a 7 year old would need to be shipped off to boarding school just because his DF goes away for work.

I know two people who were sent way to boarding school at that age when one of the parents died and the remaining parent couldn’t cope. They are both in their 70s now and have always hated their remaining parent.

One has always struggled to form relationships, 2 divorces and estrangement from their own child.
The other is a counsellor and constantly tries to analyse everyone she meets.

I cannot get my head around this.

‘People like us’ seem to. I think they just want to somehow justify their own traumatic experience by foisting it on their children, so they can say ‘see it wasn’t that bad’ and ‘my parents did it for my best’.

Or maybe more cynically they want the children but they don’t want the grind?