Sending 7 year old to boarding school

[Bringonsummer19]

So my daughter is currently away (8) on her first residential trip. She is away from Wednesday through to Friday. I already miss her so much and it got me thinking of my sister who is sending her 7 year old away to boarding school in September. Her husband is in the army so will subsidise the fees and it’s aimed at continuity of education. Nonetheless my sister does not work and therefore could settle with DS (albeit husband would have to commute to army base) and they couldn’t afford private school fees.

im i unreasonable to think that 7 is just too young to be away from home unless there is a really valid reason (eg husband posted to Iran)

"Boarding school syndrome" is a known psychological condition caused by the trauma of being sent to boarding school. Primary age boarding shouldn't be allowed.

I think personally boarding school at any age is a horrible idea. All the people I met at uni who'd gone to one had terrible abandonment issues and awful relationships with their families.

7???
That is inhumane. I didn't even realise boarding schools these days took them so young.

I personally wouldn’t do it, but i know a few people who boarded from that age and they loved it. We don’t need to be so judgemental.

So now that your child has been on a residential rather than speak to your sister about how difficult it has been you have posted on here. Talk to your sister rather than getting the anonymous posters from MN to slag off her decision.

My dad was in the army and I went to boarding school at 8. Dad got posted everywhere and I did six different schools by the time I was 8 and I had no friends. I went to boarding school and I loved it, the continuity, the familiarity and the friends. Yes there were bits that were hard but all in it was great - not so for my mum who missed us terribly.
If I could I’d send my children for part boarding though I’d wait till seniors and we have lived in the same place years. I think if you’ve not been in it you’d find it difficult to comprehend but if you’ve experienced it and the opportunities it presents then you see the positives

I work at a boarding school. It's a lovely school, incredibly caring and nurturing, the kids have a whale of a time. But 7 is much too young. We don't take boarders at all in the prep school- most of our boarders don't start until year 9 or year 10.

There's no right or wrong way to raise children

There is, actually. Or social services wouldn’t exist. Question is which side of the line sending your child away to be raised by an institution falls.

In your position I would offer to have your nephew live with you and attend your kids school until secondary, with a view that he’ll board from then.

Not an ideal situation, but much better than boarding school at that age imo.

Personally, I think boarding is appropriate from age 16 in most circumstances, and around 13 in some cases e.g. to avoid an unstable home life, where it may be the lesser of two evils.

I think your sister and her DH are trying to do the right thing for their family, it's not really your business and you don't sound like you understand their situation at all. It's really difficult for army kids to constantly change schools. It disrupts their entire life, can make it hard for them to maintain relationships and will often have gaps in education. There's good reason a lot of army personnel use boarding schools.

It’s abuse. Many survivors of boarding school openly call it abuse. I don’t care that’s it’s been done in some families for generations, and that social services would not intervene, that level of emotional neglect is abusive. If normal working class parents were ignoring the emotional needs of a child living at home in the way that parents who send their children off to boarding school are doing, social services likely would get involved. Imo it’s only because it’s the upper classes doing that they don’t. I’d try and intervene in whatever way you can. Your sister is being incredibly selfish, my parents lived apart for most of my childhood as my dad worked abroad, my mum stayed with us in the family home so we could have a normal childhood. That’s what a good parent would do. Can you have a very frank discussion with your sister, possibly even offering to take in your nephew yourself if your sister won’t see reason? You of course shouldn’t have to, it would be an awful lot to take on, but it would be such an important thing to do for your nephew.

Personally I wouldn’t. But as a military family I get why some would do it, it provides the opportunity for private school most wouldn’t normally be able to afford, and avoids having the kid move with every posting (which could be every two years) and have their schooling disrupted. I’m sure they love their child very much and would miss him whilst he’s gone, but clearly made the decision that it’s good for him/ their family. I would keep your opinions to yourself to be honest

I went to a university which had a large proportion of students from independent schools, many of them boarding, and have stayed friends with a lot of them into adult life. All of them have talked very negatively about their experiences and I would say have quite complex issues relating to mental health, self esteem (despite appearing confident) and relationship forming, especially with their parents.

I got out of teaching recently, but taught at a school which was predominantly day but had some boarding provision where students came from across the country and abroad. There were so many issues - eating disorders, undiagnosed learning needs, and other mental health issues. The house did a very good job of creating an inclusive atmosphere where students were supported and nurtured to the best of their ability, but this cannot compensate for the attachment issues faced by an 11 year old who has been sent, sometimes thousands of miles away, from their family.

The ones who riled me the most were parents who sent their kids 20 miles down the road because their jobs were too demanding to look after them.

Honestly why are some posters defending the sister, like she has no choice but to follow her husband all over the world? She has a choice, why do her wants, as a fully grown woman, trump the needs of a 7 year old?

Way too young and he's statistically unlikely to leave without some form of attachment issues, relationship problems or trauma. Even those who look to be outwardly unaffected are carrying a lot of psychologic baggage from the experience

I always find it very telling that even those who supposedly enjoyed being sent to boarding schools and apparently have such great memories normally say they wouldn't consider it until the child was later.

A friend of mine was sent to boarding school at 7yo and it really affected her and her relationship with her family. Surely your sister realises she will not be likely to have a close relationship with her daughter.

another friend of mine her dh is military and they used the funding to send the kids to a private school with a boarding option but didn’t board them. The military still paid. So not sure it’s boarding or nothing?

I have quite a few male friends who went to boarding school when they were very young.
Not convinced it sets you up for relationships later in life.
How much choice does your sister have?

I went to boarding school from the age of 13. Had a fabulous home life, and had a fabulous school life. My schools were very sporty, outdoorsy, schools. I seriously loved school, especially my 6th form years.

But it's not for every child.

And 7 is way way too young. That's cruel.

I didn’t even realise primary age boarding was a thing until recently. I live in a garrison town and overheard 2 army wives talking about their 7 year olds getting ready to go off to boarding school. Honestly my jaw dropped. I can’t believe people are sending their 7 year olds away. Those poor children. I think I’d have to tell my sister how cruel it was if I were you.

I don’t really understand why the army seems to be a special case here. Loads of people have jobs that are pretty incompatible with parenting. Oil rig worker, high level politician, in fact high-power high-responsibility jobs in many fields. Surely a job like this comes with the understanding that one half of the couple will need to take on the lion’s share of the childrearing.

I suppose the difference is the army’s willingness to fund the school placement. Wonder if that’s to do with historic and cultural links and networks as both are destinations for the upper classes.

I think 7 is too young.

I do think military families sending their DC to boarding school at some stage has merit. I know quite a few military DC who hated the upheaval of moving often and having to make a new friendship group every year or so.

My DF went to school at 8 and loved it in the main, very different circumstances though.

My friend has 3 DC who will go to boarding school at 11, it's what her DH's family have done for generations. They all seem to enjoy it.

I think there is a place and purpose for boarding school but no, not at seven years old, and absolutely not if the mother doesn’t even work!!

I understand during exam years in high school if the dc, who is at an age to make informed decisions, wants it but at 7. Not a chance! I know countless dc who have thrived despite moving schools a few times due to having an army parent. You could even argue it's beneficial at Primary age experiencing this, especially if you get some posting aboard and in very different parts of the country. Often the partner and dc will stay in their army home while the other parent does shorter postings anyway. YANBU

At that age there really isn't a need for it for continuity of education purposes, I can't believe it's even still an option. Secondary yes but not at primary age. It's the British tax payer who picks up the bill for this. I'm sure less and less forces families opt for boarding at such a young age now, just as many families where DC have traditionally boarded no longer go quite so young.