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Original poster

Sending 7 year old to boarding school

528 replies

Bringonsummer19 · 11/05/2023 00:14

So my daughter is currently away (8) on her first residential trip. She is away from Wednesday through to Friday. I already miss her so much and it got me thinking of my sister who is sending her 7 year old away to boarding school in September. Her husband is in the army so will subsidise the fees and it’s aimed at continuity of education. Nonetheless my sister does not work and therefore could settle with DS (albeit husband would have to commute to army base) and they couldn’t afford private school fees.

im i unreasonable to think that 7 is just too young to be away from home unless there is a really valid reason (eg husband posted to Iran)

OP posts:
SweetiePi3 · 11/05/2023 08:30

It was never discussed with me, I was just told youre going, put in the car and taken there. I felt my parents didn't want me, and had serious issues as a teenager.

nettie434 · 11/05/2023 08:30

Seven is really young to go away to boarding school but it's hard to decide whether it's the right decision if we don't know where the parent is being posted or whether the OP's niece has any additional needs that would be better met in a specialist school.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 11/05/2023 08:33

That's very young. And the literature I've read about this does seem to suggest that it probably isn't particularly advisable from a psychological and developmental point of view.

(Unless there are very unusual circumstances or special needs that make boarding/a residential setting the only option.)

I have a lot of fairly close friends that boarded and liked it. But all of them went as teenagers / 12+/14+.

And some that went as teenagers still don't speak fondly of it...

Which does demonstrate that it will always depends on the child, the school, the situation etc.

Anyhow. There's nothing you can do, OP. If that is what the parents truly want, then that it is what they will do.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 11/05/2023 08:34

Piglet89 · 11/05/2023 08:20

As an aside - I love that the ad the algorithm has chosen for this thread is for Repton.

Anyway, whether a child thrives at boarding school depends on that child’s personality, I think. However, after some of the safeguarding issues which have arisen at some of this country’s most prestigious public schools, I would be reluctant to send my child away - particularly so young.

I didn't get that advert, thought it depends on each handset' s browsing history or such. Although some never make sense.
Don't think everyone gets the same ads.

Iwasafool · 11/05/2023 08:34

I know someone who went as a teenager, they seemed to like it but one of the things they talk about is having a little gang of crying 7 and 8 year olds in their room every evening (friend is very caring with little brothers and sisters so was very supportive of them.)

KittyAlfred · 11/05/2023 08:34

Boarding school at 7 is basically child abuse.

It's essentially like putting your child in foster care, so unless their life at home is even more abusive, there’s no justification for it.

PiriPiriChicken · 11/05/2023 08:36

I went to boarding school from age 8. I absolutely hated my awful parents and begged to be allowed to go “early” (it was always decided I would go from 11). I’d read all of Malory Towers, cover to cover, every book. I was convinced it would be the solution to everything.

I adored my school, but many of the girls around me cried themselves to sleep at night because they missed their mummies and daddies so much. So, let’s not pretend it’s a nice thing for most kids.

FWIW, I still hate my awful parents.

KittyAlfred · 11/05/2023 08:37

Iwasafool · 11/05/2023 08:34

I know someone who went as a teenager, they seemed to like it but one of the things they talk about is having a little gang of crying 7 and 8 year olds in their room every evening (friend is very caring with little brothers and sisters so was very supportive of them.)

I was a day pupil at a predominantly boarding school, and when I was in the 6th form the year 7 and 8s would hang around a lot. They wanted us to be their mums. It was so sad. They laughed and smiled and their parents would have said they were happy, but they clearly had an aching unmet need inside them. Horrible way to treat kids.

PurpleSunshineRain · 11/05/2023 08:38

I couldn't do it. I have two people in my life who are boarding school lifers - been there as far back as they can remember and both have issues. Can't do long term relationships. Go off friends and completely cut them from their lives. Major trust issues. You can see the difference between being brought up in a family home versus boarding school.

BreatheAndFocus · 11/05/2023 08:39

7 is too young. I can’t believe that it doesn’t cause psychological or emotional issues. I actually asked to board but I was in my mid-teens by then and that would have been a completely different matter.

Presumably your sister is following her DH abroad, hence the idea? Lots of service families do that, but the ones I know only did that at 11 or 12 (which is still young but better). I wouldn’t care how prestigious the school was. 7 is too young and IMO it’s a cruel thing to do.

thebabessavedme · 11/05/2023 08:39

I picked my dgs 7, up from after school club yesterday, he had had a lovely time there, had a good day in school etc, by the time we got home he was nearly beside himself, tired, hungry and needed downtime, that included asking me to sit on the sofa and snuggle - I could not bear to think of a child that age away from home, poor little loves.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 11/05/2023 08:40

SleepingStandingUp · 11/05/2023 08:01

The problem is you'll never know if they'd have been happier at home, but the statistics are not in their favour

Show quote history

Same as you'll never know if some would have been happier in boarding school.

You could say that about anything in life, but hopefully the mother knows her child best.

People thrive in different settings and
there are a lot of people with issues who didn't board as there are with a lot who did.

Furbfurbfurb · 11/05/2023 08:42

I could not do it. Especially after hearing how sad these kids felt.

PromisingMiddleagedWoman · 11/05/2023 08:43

Completely agree OP. There’s a very rich ‘lifestyle blogger’ (sorry horrible phrase I know) on Instagram I follow who has sent her 7 or 8 year old son to boarding school. For no apparent reason, both her and her husband live in the UK.

She posts photos of her son on Sunday nights with comments like ‘really going to miss him next week’. And I just think how bizarre and cruel it is. Just don’t send him to boarding school in the first place

SweetiePi3 · 11/05/2023 08:43

PiriPiriChicken · 11/05/2023 08:36

I went to boarding school from age 8. I absolutely hated my awful parents and begged to be allowed to go “early” (it was always decided I would go from 11). I’d read all of Malory Towers, cover to cover, every book. I was convinced it would be the solution to everything.

I adored my school, but many of the girls around me cried themselves to sleep at night because they missed their mummies and daddies so much. So, let’s not pretend it’s a nice thing for most kids.

FWIW, I still hate my awful parents.

I'm absolutely with you there, it was awful and I never was fetched every weekend like most kids were.
I only was fetched for the holidays. Birthdays were missed, it was dreadful and I thought I was being punished for something.

Teeingup · 11/05/2023 08:44

Maybe see if you can speak to your sister about at least delaying this radical step!

I know a handful of ppl who went to boarding school at 7-11, in different countries and with different experiences but none of them actually positive. Trauma, eating disorders, poor relationship with parents, dangerous initiation ceremonies, shite relationships with their own children and partners all feature (though not all with one person!)

The most unimpacted bloke I can think of has chosen to send his own DC to local schools.

However, for certain children and as a teenager say 14 or 16+ potentially yes - though I still think the obvious safeguarding concerns would put me off.

drumandthebass · 11/05/2023 08:44

I know somebody that was sent to boarding school at about this age. They are now 57 and harbour so much resentment and anger towards their parents, it's sad to see

Teeingup · 11/05/2023 08:47

Just remembered someone else. They have zero empathy and are massively annoying. Could be a coincidence though!

dottiedodah · 11/05/2023 08:49

I too think 7 is far too young. Also 11 or 14 as well ! Your Sister may be upset at him going .I would look at having a more supportive role with her .Not many Mums would be happy about it.OTOH of course ,she would be living as a SP ,while her DH is away for long periods of time .She had a difficult decision to make for sure .

Heronwatcher · 11/05/2023 08:51

I think boarding school can work OK for some kids of secondary age, but I don’t think it’s ever going to be better for a 7 year old, unless the alternative is a seriously damaging home life. Sounds like a recipe for mental health issues in later life.

Can you speak to her and see if she could at least wait until he’s 11?

bridgetreilly · 11/05/2023 08:53

She’s obviously managed to have him at home until now, so she can manage for at least another 4 years. I firmly believe that no child should board until or unless they are old enough to be fully consulted and really understand what it would mean. I went at 10 and was very happy, because I knew it was my choice and if I’d said no, my parents would have made a different plan. The unhappiest people there were those who knew they had been sent for their parents’ convenience.

luckylavender · 11/05/2023 08:53

Bringonsummer19 · 11/05/2023 00:14

So my daughter is currently away (8) on her first residential trip. She is away from Wednesday through to Friday. I already miss her so much and it got me thinking of my sister who is sending her 7 year old away to boarding school in September. Her husband is in the army so will subsidise the fees and it’s aimed at continuity of education. Nonetheless my sister does not work and therefore could settle with DS (albeit husband would have to commute to army base) and they couldn’t afford private school fees.

im i unreasonable to think that 7 is just too young to be away from home unless there is a really valid reason (eg husband posted to Iran)

Absolutely none of your business.

Mariposista · 11/05/2023 08:54

That poor poor child. No way, this is what you have to plan when you decide to have a family. If your job (and of course being in the military is noble) will mean huge and distressing disruption for your children, perhaps having children isn’t a good idea.

amazingsunrays · 11/05/2023 08:55

My dc 9yo flexi boards and has done since age 7. They will full board at 14 if she wants to which she currently does.
They love it so much and is always begging me to send them for more days. So I suppose some dc really like it. Most dc are Monday to Friday only but some are there for a whole term.

I think it's one of those things that unless it's an option presented in front of you it's easy to judge, I never thought my dc would board ever, I sent them in as a day pupil. I probably felt the same as you.

My dc has so much sports on that they are regularly into school at 6:30am and finishing sports at 6pm so they'll do their homework and have dinner at school, by the time they finish dinner they can either sleep at school and be in early for the next morning or in our case do a 40min journey home wait for their dinner and be in bed by 8pm anyway.

Youdoyoubabe · 11/05/2023 08:56

It is very young. If it is going to work out though ironically younger kids can settle into that lifestyle more easily than older ones. It is a tough gig though. It ties the husband to the army arguable for another 8 years.