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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be angry my daughter was made to kiss a family friend?

202 replies

Garethkeenansstapler · 10/05/2023 21:44

Something that’s been playing on my mind for a few weeks.

DH took our daughter, 3, to visit his mum and dad who live locally. Their friends happened to be there (same couple their age, DH has known them since he was little) and DH mentioned when he got back ‘DD even gave Pete a kiss when she left’.

Now DD is confident but would never kiss a man she doesn’t know willingly. It turns out they had ‘encouraged’ her to give him a kiss and she had ‘eventually’ done it.

I don’t know why but it’s made me really angry. I asked if he would make our baby DS kiss him in future and DH said ‘of course not’ but couldn’t really justify why not. We all know of course 🙄

I would of course expect DD to say goodbye or wave to people as they were leaving, as I think manners matter. But the thought of her being made to kiss old men she doesn’t know to make them happy makes my blood boil.

It’s clear DH thinks I’m overreacting, so I’m going to show him this thread if the response shows I’m not BU. So please lay out why this was so inappropriate of him and that I’m not some neurotic madwoman for being angry about it.

Thanks x

OP posts:
Oversharingnamechanged · 10/05/2023 23:05

There's always one person on these threads who turns it wholly uncomfortable and tonight that will be me.

My father used to bring home a pub friend who I would cry when he came into the house, I hated him, his smell, his clothes, his dirty hands.
I was told off for not sitting on his knee etc and to get me used to him he'd be allowed to settle me into bed to read bedtime stories. It goes deeper than that but long story short he was abusing me sexually for a very long time and because I was told off for not being accommodating enough I didn't tell anyone of the abuse until over 30 years later.

Not saying Pete is a child abuser, absolutely not, but tell DH that he's making her far more vulnerable than he realises.

Sure he's not likely to send her to bed with creepy arse randoms from the pub like my dim-witted parents did, but frankly when it comes your kids, don't do anything that can make them vulnerable to saying no or feeling scared to be honest.

And every other point is also completely accurate, especially about her being older and thinking she has to appease men.

Now is the age she learns her body is her own and no fucker has a right to be kissed or hugged or touched or do that to her.

Just because Pete isn't having yewtree searching his laptop, doesn't mean that it wasn't a ridiculous thing to have done to DD.

Rookie error and grow from it, but make DH take it seriously.

CrackerAndPudding · 10/05/2023 23:07

Oh fuck no. I'd be furious, with DH failing to assert boundaries for his little girl, and with the clear sexism in pushing his girl to kiss someone when he wouldn't do this with his son.

What on gods earth does he think he's modelling for her? Why was this friends kiss more important than her reluctance? Who else does she have to kiss and at what age is she allowed to say no thanks?

If he can't see why this is wrong he's a useless prick.

OrlandointheWilderness · 10/05/2023 23:09

What sort of person even does this?! As kids we were never made to kiss anyone, we said goodbye how we wanted too! I've never made my dd kiss anyone! My parents would never have done this.
A kiss should be freely given.

FictionalCharacter · 10/05/2023 23:11

Raquelos · 10/05/2023 21:52

YANBU This is exactly how we socialise girls to acquiesce to behaviour they would prefer not to engage in because they are made to feel they should. The lesson here was that it is more important to keep an unfamiliar man happy than to be comfortable or to please themselves. I'd be cross too.

100%.

I was made to hug and kiss my parents' family friends as well as elderly relatives. I absolutely hated kissing whiskery old strangers. I also hated the way everyone stared at me and laughed when I was made to do it. But if I was reluctant I was very sternly scolded and told not to be silly. Thinking about it still turns my stomach.

Without going into detail here, my parents didn't allow me to have any personal boundaries. I believe the way I was trained to be obedient contributed to me being seriously sexually abused when I was very little. I hate my parents for allowing it to happen. Personal autonomy and boundaries are so important. A child should never, ever be coerced into physical contact they don't want.

Your dh may not have thought about how unpleasant this can be for a child. But would he have kissed this man himself? If not, why should his child have been persuaded to?

Agapornis · 10/05/2023 23:11

Why didn't DH kiss Pete then? After all, it's not a big deal, right?

I'm glad my parents only asked us to do firm handshakes. When we were a bit older, our mum instructed us to do a firm handshake with an outstretched arm to creepy men who may go in for a European cheek peck.

Dibbydoos · 10/05/2023 23:13

I hate it.

I've hated doing this all my life. I now work in a new sector and my boss expects me to hug and kiss him. Fuck that.

Why are females expected to do this. It's sick. ill kiss whi i choose to kiss everyone rlse can go do one.

Your DH needs to wake up and stop being misogynistic.

CKL987 · 10/05/2023 23:14

Consent and being in control of your own body should start at a very young, especially for girls. Your DH might think it means nothing at your DD's age but things get drilled into us subconsciously. I imagine if you google this there will be plenty of articles you can show your DH>

caringcarer · 10/05/2023 23:14

A kiss should always be given willingly and freely not forced.

Bodenesque · 10/05/2023 23:17

Raquelos · 10/05/2023 21:52

YANBU This is exactly how we socialise girls to acquiesce to behaviour they would prefer not to engage in because they are made to feel they should. The lesson here was that it is more important to keep an unfamiliar man happy than to be comfortable or to please themselves. I'd be cross too.

So true.

randomuser2019 · 10/05/2023 23:18

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

lennylion · 10/05/2023 23:18

40 years on from being made to kiss one of my brother's friends I still remember it as upsetting, to say the least. Girls and women are not here to make men happy. It pisses me off that people like your husband still think that men's wants come first. You can tell him from me he's a misogynist POS. Ask him what he would feel if she was 16 and someone else pulled this shit with her.

Original poster
Garethkeenansstapler · 10/05/2023 23:19

Thanks everyone. We’ve just had it out, and I’ve sent him the link to this thread. His main defence is ‘But Pete isn’t a nonce, I wouldn’t make her kiss a creep or a stranger’. I’ve said that’s irrelevant in this case, it’s the message he’s giving to DD that she has to kiss men she doesn’t know if she’s told to, to ‘make them happy’. He seems to understand and has said he won’t do it again, but I can tell he doesn’t feel it 100% if that makes sense? Like he won’t do it just because I’ve made such a fuss, rather than because he truly understand the issue.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 10/05/2023 23:24

completely wrong-i wa smade to do this as a child 40 years ago was acceptable for some reason

we shouldnt have to kiss touch or sit with anyone we dont choose to

Bonjovispyjamas · 10/05/2023 23:26

lennylion · 10/05/2023 23:18

40 years on from being made to kiss one of my brother's friends I still remember it as upsetting, to say the least. Girls and women are not here to make men happy. It pisses me off that people like your husband still think that men's wants come first. You can tell him from me he's a misogynist POS. Ask him what he would feel if she was 16 and someone else pulled this shit with her.

Absolutely this with bells on. Your husband is an idiot and that's me being polite.

jamimmi · 10/05/2023 23:30

You are definitely not unreasonable. Neither sex of young children should be forced to kiss, hug or touch another person/ adult. Bodily autonomy os so important for both sexes. My daughter refused to kiss or hug my dad or brother for years , neither forced it just laughed and said hi five instead. She now as a young woman happily hugs both. The other "uncle"dh side who grandma.made her kiss she now actively avoids and won't go near. She remembers being kissed and hated it. Before you ask she's never been alone with him .

Snugglemonkey · 10/05/2023 23:30

Not at all. This kind of thing really makes me angry when it is not my child, but if it was, I would be furious.

mainsfed · 10/05/2023 23:30

Would he make your son kiss his parents’ female friends?

I doubt it.

L1ttledrummergirl · 10/05/2023 23:31

Garethkeenansstapler · 10/05/2023 23:19

Thanks everyone. We’ve just had it out, and I’ve sent him the link to this thread. His main defence is ‘But Pete isn’t a nonce, I wouldn’t make her kiss a creep or a stranger’. I’ve said that’s irrelevant in this case, it’s the message he’s giving to DD that she has to kiss men she doesn’t know if she’s told to, to ‘make them happy’. He seems to understand and has said he won’t do it again, but I can tell he doesn’t feel it 100% if that makes sense? Like he won’t do it just because I’ve made such a fuss, rather than because he truly understand the issue.

Next time, he might not be there, it might not be Pete, and she might be 12 or 13 yrs old feeling that she is not allowed to say no.
Next time it might not be just a kiss.

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 10/05/2023 23:33

I grew up in a culture where kissing every “auntie and uncle” was the norm and my parents would always tell us to say hello and bye and wave, they would then tell their friends that my sibling and I “didn’t do kisses”. They knew then that it was weird and that was in the 80’s. One of my children has ASD and I’ve lost count of the people we have apparently offended because they don’t like cuddling people they barely and have no real relationship with. I couldn’t care less. I don’t kiss and cuddle anyone I don’t want to so my children definitely aren’t.

WallaceinAnderland · 10/05/2023 23:33

Not saying that Pete is a nonce, but they don't go round with signs on their foreheads do they. Don't be stupid Mr Garethkeenansstapler. You are supposed to try and keep your kids safe. Wake up!

SundaeLove · 10/05/2023 23:35

InsertSomethingMotivationalHere · 10/05/2023 21:49

Completely agree with you OP. How many among of us remember being made to kiss old "uncles" Goodbye and dreading it? 😡

I do, just horrible 😐

Bedofroses2 · 10/05/2023 23:35

YADNBU it is fucking gross. Why would you expect anyone to kiss a stranger goodbye, never mind a 3 year old girl? What does anyone, at all, get out of that?
What sort of lesson does it teach her about her bodily autonomy? She can't refuse to kiss someone, especially not an old man? She can refuse to kiss anyone, at any age, and shouldn't be encouraged into overly familiar physical interactions with strangers, particularly not by her dad.
I feel sorry for your daughter, being pressured into that situation by adults who should have her best interests at heart. There is absolutely no reason to persuade a child to kiss any adult, or any person for that matter. I'm not surprised you're pissed off - I'd be livid.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 10/05/2023 23:36

Ugh it makes my blood boil children being made to kiss people they don't want to!!!!!! He needs to apologise to her and promise to her that he won't ever make her kiss anyone again that she doesn't want to.

SparklyBlackKitten · 10/05/2023 23:37

I never make my kids kiss anyone
Not even their grandparents . My mil hates it. But i told her my kids can choose if they want to. And if they say no : the answer is no.

I even ask at night time if they want a kiss from me or not.

Consent is important at any age.

But I do haaaate it when people try to high five my kids. Or a fistt pump. Wtf. They can shake hands.

Hurryupandleave · 10/05/2023 23:39

I hope he reads the thread, if some of the more horrifying replies don't make him understand then nothing will.