I’m not being ‘unsociable’ or ‘difficult’

Itsjustnotmything · 2023-05-10T20:21:12+00:00

DP has much older siblings. Their dc are now all teens or in their twenties. Our dc are very young. I’m also terrified of dogs When his siblings dc were small, MIL used to have them round a lot , it was all very child centred. As they grew up they started socialising differently and all got dogs….. lots of meet ups for dog walks etc, country pubs that kind of thing. MIL is always inviting us round or to join them but I can’t !!!! It’s very much ‘adult’ socialising as in the evenings or dog centred as if they’re something at one house then everyone takes their dog. Im being called unsociable and difficult!!!! Ive suggested meeting up places but whatever we suggest doesn’t suit or they can’t bring their dogs. I’ve invited them to ours but they won’t come !! I don’t think I’m the one being difficult !

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/05/2023 21:25

I’ve invited them to ours but they won’t come

Well they’ve got no legs to stand on.

I don’t think I’m the one being difficult

You're not.

What does DH think?

ZenNudist · 10/05/2023 21:25

Surely you can meet in the park. If you're so scared of dogs you can't go to a park I suggest therapy. Surely you see dogs in the street etc. I don't like dogs but I can't avoid them all the time.

Are they really vicious kinds that look like they would bite you and not let go?

Bunce1 · 10/05/2023 21:27

How many dogs?

Original poster

Itsjustnotmything · 10/05/2023 21:27

ZenNudist · 10/05/2023 21:25

Surely you can meet in the park. If you're so scared of dogs you can't go to a park I suggest therapy. Surely you see dogs in the street etc. I don't like dogs but I can't avoid them all the time.

Are they really vicious kinds that look like they would bite you and not let go?

Dogs on leads in a park etc it’s fine. I can’t sit in someone’s house with multiple dogs though and I can’t drag dc on miles and miles of country walks with off lead dogs and to go and sit in a pub with more dogs !!!!

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Jazzyjezzabelle · 10/05/2023 21:28

Your husband and his family will just need to understand you’ve a significant phobia of dogs and can’t be round his families. As such he needs to go on his own, shame for you though.

TheSnowyOwl · 10/05/2023 21:29

I don’t think you are being unsociable or difficult. Do they actually understand how great your fear of dogs is?

Original poster

Itsjustnotmything · 10/05/2023 21:30

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/05/2023 21:25

I’ve invited them to ours but they won’t come

Well they’ve got no legs to stand on.

I don’t think I’m the one being difficult

You're not.

What does DH think?

He’s had enough of it. He told MIL last weekend that she’s the one causing a problem and the one who is constantly organising things that she knows wont include us but then criticising us for not coming. He told her he’s invited everyone over enough times to know that he is making an effort and he’s not going to carry on if they won’t meet us halfway.
He said yet again the invitation is there this weekend to come round , to everyone , to see the dc etc but without the dogs and if it’s a no again then he won’t be offering anymore

OP posts:

KarmaStar · 10/05/2023 21:31

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Original poster

Itsjustnotmything · 10/05/2023 21:32

TheSnowyOwl · 10/05/2023 21:29

I don’t think you are being unsociable or difficult. Do they actually understand how great your fear of dogs is?

Apparently I’m just not trying and I should because I’m ‘part of a dog family’ (this actually made me laugh as it sounded like I’m now in a wolf pack or something!
It’s also apparently an issue because it means we can’t ever dog sit !!!!!!!

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hesaidshesaidtheysaid · 10/05/2023 21:33

Pleased to hear your DH is onboard and dealing with this, just as he should be.
Sod the lot of them if they can't be arsed.

Weallgottachangesometime · 10/05/2023 21:36

It’s difficult because I suppose they are choosing to do the activities that they most enjoy and most suit their current lifestyle. It would be nice if they adapted to make some outings more child friendly and/or dog free.

Do you generally get on with them?

I think just take a step back. Attend the things you want to attend and do t go to the things that won’t work for you. Maybe put some extra effort into other relationships with people that might better suit what you want to do?

Original poster

Itsjustnotmything · 10/05/2023 21:36

Even if I wasn’t afraid of dogs I feel like they suggest such non child friendly social activities. Long country walks , pubs, dog shows , evenings drinking at each others houses . We have a 6 month old and a 3 year old and it just doesn’t work for us. If DP just goes alone they then apparently start saying how unsociable Iam and how I’m keeping the dc from them all , then how I don’t want to improve the dc immune systems by being round pets as apparently it’s proven to be beneficial. Now DP has stopped going and for 3 weeks we’ve invited them here and this week is the fourth week and DP has said after that he’s not inviting them again

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Original poster

Itsjustnotmything · 10/05/2023 21:38

Weallgottachangesometime · 10/05/2023 21:36

It’s difficult because I suppose they are choosing to do the activities that they most enjoy and most suit their current lifestyle. It would be nice if they adapted to make some outings more child friendly and/or dog free.

Do you generally get on with them?

I think just take a step back. Attend the things you want to attend and do t go to the things that won’t work for you. Maybe put some extra effort into other relationships with people that might better suit what you want to do?

I think it’s hard for DP as before we were together he remembers when his siblings all had young families pre everyone getting dogs and he says MIL made so much effort to do nice things with all the grandchildren etc but they’ve all moved on now to the next stage of teenagers / dogs etc etc he feels left behind as he’s the much younger one

OP posts:

Original poster

Itsjustnotmything · 10/05/2023 21:40

Bunce1 · 10/05/2023 21:27

How many dogs?

Four !!!
MIL has a dog and each of DP brothers has a dog

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Weallgottachangesometime · 10/05/2023 21:42

Itsjustnotmything · 10/05/2023 21:38

I think it’s hard for DP as before we were together he remembers when his siblings all had young families pre everyone getting dogs and he says MIL made so much effort to do nice things with all the grandchildren etc but they’ve all moved on now to the next stage of teenagers / dogs etc etc he feels left behind as he’s the much younger one

Show quote history

Has he explicitly said that to his parents and siblings? If not then maybe he could try so they understand his perspective. If he has and they aren’t doing anything to help his family feel more included I think you need to find special moments with other Friends and family.

Is it that he is still seen as the youngest who should fall in line with what everyone else wants maybe?

PollyPut · 10/05/2023 21:43

An idea - Find a pub with a great dog-free playground. Stand in playground with DC and get the relatives to be the other side of the fence with the dogs and a chat.

Treesoutsidemywindow · 10/05/2023 21:45

I am SO pleased for you that your DP is backing you up OP, so many men wouldn't so that's a very positive thing for you as a couple. I think in your shoes, I would look to building a circle of friends who also have kids, that you can treat as a different type of family. Maybe your DP should point out to his Mother (if he hasn't already) how she used to do things for her other grandchildren, and that he feels that his children are missing out, just because he is younger than his siblings, which ultimately is down to his parents leaving a larger gap between children. As for the dog situation, I think they're all just being extremely selfish, and you're better off without them, and that from a dog lover. While we did used to take our dog out with us, we would never had dreamed of imposing her on someone who doesn't like/is scared of dogs, that is really selfish behaviour.

Bs0u416d · 10/05/2023 21:45

My BIL is terrified of dogs. My great dane absolutely hates him and always grumbles and barks at the poor man. Whilst he will brave christmas with is all (including my parents and brother dogs), I know he finds it hard. We make arrangements to visit and stay with him without the dog and he has so far delcined to come and stay with us, though my sister and neice come up on their own. It's a compromise.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 10/05/2023 21:47

So what kind of child friendly things have you suggested? Is sitting at yours that much different than sitting at theirs? The things you mentioned here seem pretty standard for families to do…

Even if I wasn’t afraid of dogs I feel like they suggest such non child friendly social activities. Long country walks , pubs, dog shows , evenings drinking at each others houses .

Lacoeur · 10/05/2023 21:51

Nothing worse than when someone gets a dog and suddenly it’s going absolutely everywhere with them and being imposed on everyone whether you like it or not. I wouldn’t want my 3yo and 6mo around four strange dogs and in pubs/ at dog shows either OP. Take a step back and great that your dp is supporting you on this.

Original poster

Itsjustnotmything · 10/05/2023 21:56

saltinesandcoffeecups · 10/05/2023 21:47

So what kind of child friendly things have you suggested? Is sitting at yours that much different than sitting at theirs? The things you mentioned here seem pretty standard for families to do…

Even if I wasn’t afraid of dogs I feel like they suggest such non child friendly social activities. Long country walks , pubs, dog shows , evenings drinking at each others houses .

We’ve suggested

-coming here for Sunday lunch (nobody wanted to as we don’t want the dogs here too and they don’t want to leave them)

-going out for a meal (same reason as above)

-going to a cafe (same reason again)

-going for a shorter walk with the dogs on leads (not fair on the dogs apparently)

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saltinesandcoffeecups · 10/05/2023 21:59

To add to my question… more of a comment. It’s always going to hard for the one not in sync with the rest as far as life stage. I think kids are a great divider in that sense. If I’m truthful I wouldn’t be super excited as a parent of older teens suddenly catering to little ones. Not that I’m saying they shouldn’t make any effort but it’s going to come down to the majority I’m afraid.

Your MIL did a lot of little kid centric things when there were a lot of little kids in the family presumably. That’s not the case now.

I think maybe to ponder that before giving up. I’m glad your DH is supporting you, but I’m not sure about the ultimatum issued… are you all really going to have fun if it’s forced attendance? Has he left any room for compromise?

Original poster

Itsjustnotmything · 10/05/2023 22:00

DP has tried inviting everyone together and each person separately too but they all seem to want to meet up with everyone and all the dogs every time. He said years ago it was the same situation but it was always everyone plus their dc now the focus has shifted from his nieces and nephews to the dogs. I think he feels left behind in a way (he was a shock last child MIL thought she was in the menopause!)

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saltinesandcoffeecups · 10/05/2023 22:04

I think this is the real problem. I think he feels left behind in a way

Sunday lunches (with or without dogs) is not likely to fix this. It will be the same problem. You and he are focused on the kid phase and everyone else is focused on other things. It will be the same issue but instead of location it will be topics of conversation… plans for holidays… etc.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 10/05/2023 22:07

Hit post too soon… what I’m trying to say is don’t make the location or the dogs or a particular activity a hill to die on. (The ultimatum). Do what you are both comfortable with, continue to offer alternative invitations, and keep the door open. Both of you will be out of this life stage soon enough.