I’m not being ‘unsociable’ or ‘difficult’

[Itsjustnotmything]

DP has much older siblings. Their dc are now all teens or in their twenties. Our dc are very young. I’m also terrified of dogs

When his siblings dc were small, MIL used to have them round a lot , it was all very child centred. As they grew up they started socialising differently and all got dogs….. lots of meet ups for dog walks etc, country pubs that kind of thing.

MIL is always inviting us round or to join them but I can’t !!!! It’s very much ‘adult’ socialising as in the evenings or dog centred as if they’re something at one house then everyone takes their dog.

Im being called unsociable and difficult!!!!

Ive suggested meeting up places but whatever we suggest doesn’t suit or they can’t bring their dogs. I’ve invited them to ours but they won’t come !! I don’t think I’m the one being difficult !

This issue aside OP

i am guessing you don’t get on with your MIL and DH’s family?

I have two dogs and 4 kids. I have friends and family who either don't like dogs or dog like kids and I make the time to see them without the one they don't like.

How often are you expected to see the family? I see my ILs about 4 times a year and that's plenty. DH sees them more (and visa versa). Surely you can reach a compromise for a few times.
DH can take the kids the rest of the time and you can chill out.

Honestly you sound a bit like hard-work...

It is understandable that your relatives don't focus on ''child-friendly'' activities since their own kids are grown.

The activities you describe (walks, pub) are just common ways that people enjoy themselves.

It is understandable that you have child-care responsibilities and can't regularly join in, but I really don't see why you can't join on occasion to have a drink in the evening or to enjoy a quick walk.

No one would expect you to do that all the time but you could arrange childcare for your kids and catch-up with your relatives once in a while.

As for your fear of dogs if it is an actual phobia you should do something about it because you will always come across dogs especially as it sounds like you live somewhere rural. Is that phobia something you really want to risk passing on to your kids?

Frankly to me it just reads like you expect everyone else to accommodate you but make no effort to try to find solutions.

I think you just have to accept that they have different priorities, lifestyles and interests and has you are the one that has a completely different outlook on things and don't really fit in, it is likely that they will continue to socialise in their group without including you.

I would encourage my husband to take the children to visit them often & keep a close relationship with his blood kin. I would hate to be the one to stand in way of that & I would be delighted that my children via so much exposure to a variety of canines lacked my dog-fears.

Yes, this is strange. Do none of them want to spend any time with their nephew/ niece or grandchild?

I love dogs but wouldn't assume it's a good idea to have any dogs around small children in the way you're describing. And of course normal people would naturally take your phobia into account.

I think it's shocking that they are not coming to see your children on your terms. They've obviously forgotten what it's like to have small children. Have they established any relationship with them?

This must make your DP feel really sad and like his family is less important that the other siblings' families.

I think definitely a country pub with kids' playground to start off.
"Enjoy your doggie walk, you lot - I'll be on the swings - see you in a bit"

if your mother in law has a phobia of say snakes maybe say to her - my fear of dogs is the same as your fear of snakes. Imagine I had a 12 foot python and insisted on bringing it with me and draping it around your shoulders every time we met up. Would you want to meet with me?

We have a similar issue with MIL although it is my DD (5) who is nervous around dogs. MIL is very dismissive of this and seems to think if DD gets used to her dog, it will all be ok and then we will stop being "awkward". So she has done things like turn up at our house with dog and expect to be allowed in, promise to keep the dog in the kitchen when we are visiting and then it "accidentally" escapes into the room we are in, agree to babysit DD (at our house) but at the last min come up with a reason she has to do it at hers, when it is too late for us to make other arrangements. We KNOW if we weren't there she wouldn't keep the dog away from DD who would be terrified. We also get the guilt tripping of her having to leave family parties early as she needs to get back for the dog because she wasn't able to bring it with her. Sad face. 🙄

It is shame as DD doesn't actually have a phobia of dogs, she is just nervous around them. MIL's dog is actually pretty good natured but it is very boisterous and will jump up and climb over the children/knock them down etc. DD has just lost all trust that will be dealt with, as it is always brushed off as "he is excited" or "see, he likes you!" when he is jumping on her. She rarely goes to MILs house now.

If anything, the way MIL has handled it has exacerbated DDs fear of dogs as she now very apprehensive about all dogs off leads.

I agree.
What is it with some dog owners that they can't bear to not spend an hour or two of their day without them?

I adore cats. I really, really do, but when we had cats I could manage perfectly well not seeing them for a few hours while going out to work, out in the evening or visiting friends.

Sounds like their life has moved on now and naturally they want to do activities that suit their circumstances. Not sure how far away they live, as I’m sure they could leave their dogs for 2-3yrs for Sunday lunch (though I do know people whose dogs can’t be left at all, mine is fine for 4-5hrs). I love my dog but he doesn’t come everywhere with me and I wouldn’t expect all my friends and family to want a dog around all the time. So yes you’re not being unreasonable. They aren’t in the way they live their life but they are by not coming over to see their grandchildren without their dogs for a few hours.

Op, I’m amazed at some of the replies on this thread. I have kids of similar age to your little ones and no way would I have them with four dogs running around in a house like that. To me, it seems common sense not to. I love dogs, but all too easily accidents can happen in that type of situation. I’m not sure I would want to be in a room with four most likely excited dogs and definitely not trying to supervise the kids aswell, as it is that can be tricky because it’s not your own house and chances are won’t be baby proofed as such so it can be tricky trying to hold conversations and keep kids safe all at once unless you have others helping out and keeping an extra eye. It’s bad form they won’t even visit without the dogs ever, and quite frankly bizarre . Before I had kids, my friends had them and I remember well suggesting activities that accommodated the kids which meant nobody needed to stress about childcare and it was so relaxed and nice. I don’t know why they can’t do that on occasion for you!

YANBU.
I don’t see why something can’t be arranged occasionally that doesn’t involve dogs or evening activities. I do think people forget to what it’s like to have young kids sometimes.

My parents have dogs. As much as they are (mostly) good pups, my siblings and I have often felt frustrated by the lack of things we can do with our parents because of them.
It felt like everything had to revolve around the dogs.

I just invite my parents round to our house now for lunch/tea once a week, they get a break from the dogs for a couple of hours & abit of quality time with us & our young dcs.

I feel for you OP.

I like dogs. My sister has two and I love them to bits. One day, when I have more time, I want to get a dog too.

But I hate to see dogs in cafes, dogs in pubs etc. My friend wanted a “pub dog”. Except it hates being in pubs and barks and generally annoys everyone. I have another friend who will only socialise if she can bring her dog so everything has to fit around her. This trend of taking dogs everywhere really winds me up! THEY’RE DOGS.

Well that wouldn't help me at all.

So you're just saying that's tough on the OP and she has to suck it up? And not only that to empathise with everyone else's situation just because it happens to be similar to yours.

Fabulous.

YANBU. DS has a bad phobia of dogs, he's also autistic so having a dog go near him can cause really bad meltdowns.
We had a long term friend refuse to come to our wedding because she couldn't bring her dogs. This was after a huge fall out after a mutual friend told us she was planning to bring them without telling us, had apparently said "Well when we just turn up with them they'll have to deal with it."

I have nothing against dogs btw, would absolutely love one as a pet, but other people's phobias come first.

There are dog walkers who can mind or walk dogs if they really think they won't cope with a couple of hours on their own.

I don't think things should all revolve around young children but there has to be give and take and it's very hurtful in families if it's only one family that has to do all the compromises.

We had a long term friend refuse to come to our wedding because she couldn't bring her dogs.

Why are some dog owners so completely lacking in social awareness?

They are dogs FGS, not people.

It’s unreasonable to refuse to visit any of your partners’ relatives or have them to your house, ever, on the basis that you don’t like dogs

See, I don't think that's unreasonable at all. My bil has a dog which makes their house smell so much it makes me gag constantly. I also don't like them sniffing at me and the unexpected pointless barking. Some of us just don't like dogs.

OP is expected to either be in a small house with FOUR dogs, or long walks with them. Not one, but four! That'd be a no from me. Strange dogs in the park, you can walk past and leave them behind - but to have them as part of your group for hours I agree would be intolerable and I wouldn't enjoy it at all.

I also don't allow dogs in my house. Any reasonable dog owner should understand and respect that. To be fair I have a few friends with dogs but none of them would expect to bring their dogs either here, or to anyone else's house.
It's very presumptuous to expect others to accommodate an animal they don't like in their house. I think OP is perfectly reasonable and apparently so do most of us.

You are being absolutely reasonable, I am with you all the way. Just pull back and do your own thing.

I think DH needs to speak to with his Mum and remind her that you both have little DC and your lives are how the others lives were 10-15 years ago. And ask if she remembers taking the other children out for the day / spending time with them. All she is doing is bullying you. I also don’t see why the others can’t leave their dogs at home for a few hours.
They are making the choice to be assholes, do not blame yourself.

What about suggesting a day out that ismore children friendly.

Eg national trust place, dogs can come but on leads

Or local farm park

Or swimming

Tell her she’s part of a dog phobia family.

OP is expected to either be in a small house with FOUR dogs, or long walks with them. Not one, but four! That'd be a no from me.

And that's fine, but if you choose not compromise because of the dogs, you can't really expect the family to compromise for you either. It goes both ways IMO.

The family are constantly inviting OP and the children but they're choosing not to go - which is fine but it's equally valid for the rest of the family to then choose not to visit them in return.

They're being very insensitive and unkind. YANBU.

Long walks are great with kids your age, 3 year old in the buggy, six month old in a carrier, loads of aunties and uncles, grandparents and cousins on board to help. You don’t want you children to develop a fear of dogs. Personally I’d try and sort the phobia, it is stopping you from doing so much. His family probably go for a nice walk, see loads of young kids, head to the pub where there are children and babies of all ages and feel your family are missing out. It sounds lovely personally. My in-laws are miserable as sun and have never invited us to do anything like that. Why don’t you go next time they ask and see what happens. If it’s awful then you’ve proved your point and they’ll stop asking.