I’m not being ‘unsociable’ or ‘difficult’

[Itsjustnotmything]

DP has much older siblings. Their dc are now all teens or in their twenties. Our dc are very young. I’m also terrified of dogs

When his siblings dc were small, MIL used to have them round a lot , it was all very child centred. As they grew up they started socialising differently and all got dogs….. lots of meet ups for dog walks etc, country pubs that kind of thing.

MIL is always inviting us round or to join them but I can’t !!!! It’s very much ‘adult’ socialising as in the evenings or dog centred as if they’re something at one house then everyone takes their dog.

Im being called unsociable and difficult!!!!

Ive suggested meeting up places but whatever we suggest doesn’t suit or they can’t bring their dogs. I’ve invited them to ours but they won’t come !! I don’t think I’m the one being difficult !

I would go on a walk but leave mil with 3 year old and pram with 1 year old. Maybe suggest a nice ploughed field. See how far they get.

Can't you just suggest you all go to a big park that has a kids play area and also space for a picnic in a field/ dogs to run around etc? Then you can each do your own things and reconvene for food/drinks?

I don't get why it needs to be so complicated?

Hi @Itsjustnotmything

I get the sense they could well be , i think mother in law could be deliberately being arkward and uncompromising on this issue around dogs,

I wonder if you are percieved by them as being unlike them in other ways too, that they just don't get you understand you as a person,?
So they sense ,or have picked up that you don't like dogs cause of their smell and slobbering,

So mother in law and siblings might be a bit offended that you feel this way,

What I mean body language can be a bit /or a lot a give away,( even if someone tries to hide a dislike of something, in your case dogs,

Just a thought,

It sounds like your mother in law is a character likes to get her own way quite often..or often as possible can get away with,
Is mother quite manipulative in general or is just around you and dogs situation @?

(I am just thinking cause you also mentioned about that you definitely not up for dog sitting for obvious reasons if anybody in husband family needed went off on a break hol ect.

By the way, what breeds of dogs have they each got ?
Just curious,

I totally get the disliking doggy smell and slobbering and jumping up constantly, afraid that they might tear rip your tidy clran clothes, @Itsjustnotmything which is disgusting quite frankly , don't understand why some breeds of dogs are like this too..

(I mean slobbering eww🤮🤮🤮

I can tolerate dogs , some dog breeds I prefer to be around with more, cause of certain factors mentioned ubove,

I am not a dog owner too

I don't think you are BU and honestly even if you weren't afraid of dogs every single meetup revolving around dogs is a bit much imo. Btw I have two dogs myself but I wouldn't want to take them everywhere like that. This babying of dogs gets right on my nerves, it won't kill them being left in the house occasionally.

DHs family are like this, everything is centred around the dogs. If it doesn’t work for the dogs then it doesn’t happen! ‘Oh let’s go to x beach the dogs love it’, ‘Let’s go to y country estate, the dogs just love it’.

This is fine by me until they get in a huff that we won’t join in. For example, I was considered the biggest party pooper for not taking an hour long drive to the beach in the rain to walk the dogs. At the time I had a 4 year old who got car sick and a 18 month old who I didn’t fancy dragging out in the freezing December rain.

We also have a dog! So it’s not that we aren’t dog people.

I dislike dogs too. When I visit BIL and SIL, they shut the dogs away in another room. It's the polite thing for them to do. YANBU.

You know what, I love dogs and am soppy about them but I’d never be so arrogant to think that anyone who doesn’t like them is a weirdo. I have friends who have no interest in dogs and when we had our dear departed Fido, I just used to leave him at home when we met up. I can’t understand why a parent would prioritise their dog over their son and his wife-they’re not being asked to get rid of the dog, just to do something without it occasionally. You are not doing anything wrong! It’s good your dh has your back-his family are BU. Hopefully they’ll reflect on it and realise it!s no big deal to do something without the dogs sometimes. However, it seems more common these days that people get resentful when asked to leave them behind-it seems they treat their dogs better than the people in their lives.

@JemimaTiggywinkles

@StarbucksKaren

Ubove both posters have totally nailed this dog situation dilemma on their head. !

Your in laws family are deliberately being this way...

even other posters who have got dogs have picked up on this as the major stumbling block, too.

Your in laws are treating the dogs like children. They could be left at home for a couple of hours while they visit you. Everyone seems to have a dog these days, I live near a seaside resort, it’s nightmare going there now, we can’t move for dogs: they are on the beach, the prom, the narrow cobbles streets, in the pubs and don’t get me started on the retractable dog lead: the thin, hard to spot dog leads that the owners just let the dogs loose with. Tripping people up.

Haha, I love how you added "and not let go" as if biting then letting go is perfectly OK! Dog owners are a breed apart.

OP and her DH have suggested things while her in-laws have said no to their suggestions because “it’s not fair to the dogs”.

What more can they do and if they’re main reasoning is it’s unfair to the dogs, what stops them from saying the same with that idea because they want the dogs to be able to be in the kid’s part as well. From what I’m gathering from OP’s posts, they want the 4 dogs around the kids too despite them being only 3 and 6 months.

Even if I wasn’t afraid of dogs I feel like they suggest such non child friendly social activities. Long country walks , pubs, dog shows , evenings drinking at each others houses .

sorry but even as a non dog person ive done that with friends snd family, i dont think that is not child friendly.

I'm an animal lover but tbh OP your family sound like a bunch of nutters. You don't have to pander to them. You've offered compromises and they've refused to meet you in the middle so it's unfortunate that you won't be able to meet up as much then. You're not a 'dog family'. The members of your family who have dogs have decided to make this commitment and sacrifice so it's up to them to work around that not you. Grey-wall any drama that they're trying to create around this and concentrate on doing what's right for your little family

Leaving aside the issue of the dogs, they are making it much harder to socialise if they’re insisting on everyone doing everything together all the time. Surely they could easily pop in and see your kids without the siblings, nieces, nephews and the whole clan. My children when small would have found the number of people overwhelming. Then, bringing the dogs in, I suspect you’d manage far better with one set of people and one dog at a time.

Realistically you’d probably always pull away a bit. Your children’s needs will be very different to teens/young adults but it is your mil’s choice not to come over the play with yours.

Perhaps you could meet for one of the "long walks" .Baby in carrier ,3 year old pushchair? Also maybe " pop" in to MIL separately at a time she will be in.I think all family meet ups take some negotatations TBH .Its worth trying in the long run though .DC will be closer to their Aunts an Uncles ,maybe a strapping Uncle or teenage Cousin could do a piggy back or two? Unless they have a dangerous /out of control dog then YABU I think .Wherever you go there will be dogs somewhere .We get lots of attention with our girl ,however we were at the River nearby and there was a little boy who was "terrified"of dogs! Well strange place to choose as every other person had a 4 legged friend !

even as a non dog person ive done that with friends snd family, i dont think that is not child friendly.

Their children are 3 and 6 months. The 6 month old find but 3 is the age where walks are difficult - they are too big to carry but don’t walk like adults on long walks. As a guide they can walk the distance of their age, up to 7. Then 7+ they can cope with anything pretty much.

I suspect your idea of a long walk isn’t long if you think you can take a 3 year old.

YANBU OP. Dogs are a PITA on walks anyway, you get attacked by cattle, they get muddy and stinking, they eat shit. They sound completely self absorbed to me.

Perhaps plan to do the first mile or two so not too much for 3 tear old and then go home (skipping the pub)

I think DP should go one last time with a prepared speech, reminding them that when their kids were the ages yours are the suitability of places and activites took the children into consideration. He can give examples. He can point out that the age he himself was then meant that he wasn't particularly interested in child-centred activities but heenjoyed being with them all and getting to know his nephews and nieces, and watching them grow. He can finish by saying hiw sad he is that they are not as interested in getting to know HIS children that they, like he did, cannot put their own wants to one side every so often, to take the children into account. He could even say that he is particularly saddened that his ownmother seems to have no consideration for her last grandchildren.

See what they say.

I think both sides could compromise a bit here. Neither of you are right or wrong - you're both just in different life stages with different preferences. And that's okay.

As an example, I totally understand why you don't want to take small children on long walks, but why can't you and DH do your own thing in the morning and meet up with everyone for a pub lunch? I understand you'd rather not be around the dogs but I don't think it's fair to say the dogs can never be there because of you. Long walks with the dogs followed by pub lunches are pretty standard weekend activities for many families, even those with small children.

Equally there's no reason why they can't leave the dogs at home occasionally and come to yours for Sunday lunch. You could alternate around so everyone gets a weekend doing their preferred activity, even if that means everyone has to compromise a little bit occasionally.

But as a PP said it sounds like neither you or MIL are willing to do that - and it's sad that the end result is a distant family.

Sorry OP, it’s incredibly sad and frustrating for your DP, where his family are all choosing their pets over seeing him and his children (their nieces/nephews). We live in a world now where dogs are prized above humans and no one ever leaves their dog at home and is typically affronted to be even asked or expected to do so.

I had a bbq recently and 3 of the 6 families invited asked to bring their dog. They’ve all been made aware at various times that I am allergic to dogs (and cats) and that we would have 11 primary aged kids milling about.

I don’t understand why people cannot cope with leaving their dog at home for a few hours to visit friends and family. It’s all just a bit pathetic and selfish tbh!

This. I am not afraid of dogs but I don't want to eat when they are wandering around. I don't want to go to houses that smell overpoweringly of dog. I don't want to sit on sofas that dogs sleep/ have their shitty backsides on. I don't want to be slobbered on whilst I'm trying to balance a cup of tea and a cake somewhere where the dog can't get it. We had golden retrievers for years. No carpets. No going on the furniture and no going in rooms where we were eating. If we were having food they went in the hall. My son has a dog. If we go round for a take away they shut the dog out whilst they get the food laid out. That's very calm and nice. Sadly once we are sitting they let the dog back in. She's big. She's everywhere all the time. Pushing under the table when you're eating, sniffing round your hands or the table. Vile.

But equally, when you're part of a family you can't make it about your dog all the time.

I love dogs.

Still wouldn't want them all at my house for Sunday lunch though!

Less of a “family” and more of a group of people that don’t really like one another.