I’m not being ‘unsociable’ or ‘difficult’

[Itsjustnotmything]

DP has much older siblings. Their dc are now all teens or in their twenties. Our dc are very young. I’m also terrified of dogs

When his siblings dc were small, MIL used to have them round a lot , it was all very child centred. As they grew up they started socialising differently and all got dogs….. lots of meet ups for dog walks etc, country pubs that kind of thing.

MIL is always inviting us round or to join them but I can’t !!!! It’s very much ‘adult’ socialising as in the evenings or dog centred as if they’re something at one house then everyone takes their dog.

Im being called unsociable and difficult!!!!

Ive suggested meeting up places but whatever we suggest doesn’t suit or they can’t bring their dogs. I’ve invited them to ours but they won’t come !! I don’t think I’m the one being difficult !

But they should own their choice, and accept that this will limit their time with people who have this phobia, and not accuse the latter of being 'unsociable and difficult

This ^^

You are Totally being difficult.

go hang out with the dogs.

its coming off as a shitty excuse to hide behind. Ya meet the dogs and everything is good and nice, great. you end up having a panic attack and pass out, at least they will believe you, still think poorly of you, but believe you.

@NoThanksymm

eh?! Are you ok Hun?
do you really think people would think poorly of someone who passes out out of phobic fear?!

Well , they are not coming round today after DP ultimatum as ‘it’s a nice day it’s not fair to leave the dogs cooped up at home all day’

So i guess that’s it they’ve made their choice !

Honestly @Itsjustnotmything your DCs are not going to be missing out from not having a close relationship with their GPs if those GPs think more of their dogs.

You've given them alternatives, make it clear that those non-dog options remain open and leave it at that. Don't give them any more headspace.

WTAF are you banging on about? Put the wine down!

What was his ultimatum?

He had invited them to ours this weekend (again ) for lunch and to see the dc without the dogs

Did they agree? What was the ultimatum aspect - that they need to come or...what?

The idea that people miss out on family life if they don't like dogs is ridiculous. I don't mind dogs but there's no way I would let someone bring one round to my house and none of my friends would ask. My cats would be terrified. Most people accept that their dogs aren't actually small children and can be left on their own for a couple of hours.

How far do they live from you all?

I'd be fairly wary of separating out your DH from what sounds like a large and loving family for a fairly silly reason. It sounds like the kids will miss out as well. We had friends that went through something similar and ultimately the DH began to resent his wife and started seeing his family without her. The marriage failed ultimately and the family certainly didn't try to stop it falling apart. He remarried and went on to have more kids with someone who fit into their family much better. The first wife is still so bitter about the whole thing. It's a pretty silly move to give family ultimatums. I'd try to compromise and meet somewhere they can walk the dogs and the kids can play in the park then all go to the pub together. I don't see why something like that wouldn't work?

It sounds like they all enjoy the same lifestyle and that includes their dogs. It may not be everyone's choice but it is theirs. No one is right or wrong here. I think the dogs must be a bit of a red herring really. No one in this scenario can like each other all that much if they can't find a compromise.

I would add for balance that you also need to accept their choices, and not nag them to leave their dogs for long periods if they feel they can't. But they should not moan about your not participating in dog-related activities.

I would also add that the fact that there are FOUR dogs is relevant. Many people who are mildly phobic of dogs could control their fear sufficiently to meet up with one person/ family and their one well-controlled dog; but not to deal with what is practically a pack.

I’m old enough to be a MIL and several of my friends actually are. Most of my friends have dearly beloved dogs-sometimes 2. Not one of them would shun their dil with the excuse that they’re a ‘dog family’. They all want to include their kids’ partners and if it means leaving the dogs at home, so be it. They even visit me without their dogs as they’re considerate enough to think of our cat. Not wanting to be around dogs isn’t weird or anti social-and as I’ve said before-people who put their dogs above the human members of their family have something wrong with them.

Agree with this.

I find it hard to believe that her DH’s family can’t come one on one especially MIL since she is the one making the most fuss about it. She could leave her dog with one of his siblings, visit them for lunch and head back to her house or even one of the siblings could drop the dog off at her house for her. I don’t blame OP and her DH for not wanting four dogs roaming around their home since all of them with their dogs always have to come together.

it’s a nice day it’s not fair to leave the dogs cooped up at home all day

Why would they need to if they came over for lunch they sound completely ridiculous.

And as if dogs care about the weather. I imagine they like it best when it’s cloudy.

Plenty of times I’ve said for DP to just go and when he has he’s come back and there’s then an issue that nobody gets to see the dc. I’m frequently sent stuff about how pets improve children’s immune systems 🤦‍♀️

God, they sound tedious.

I don't mind dogs, I've had dogs but people are batshit crazy about their pets at the cost of their relationships. Madness. Surely you can meet with a dog being present.

Well no, of course they don't get to see your DCs, because they won't leave their dogs. Parents are the gatekeepers of access to their children, so as long as you and DP are together on this, the GPs will miss out – some PPs suggested that both parties have to compromise, but you absolutely do not.

I would put it back in the past 'return to sender'.

Don't they just?

I'm not remotely afraid of dogs. But in OP's position I would also not want my very young children around a pack of four dogs. It's basic safeguarding.

Nor does OP need educating about her own parental safeguarding decisions. That's a matter for her and her DH. The in-laws have a simple choice: respect the parents' very reasonable safeguarding decisions, or limit their own interaction with their DGC.

As OP says, it's their call and they've made it. The situation is ridiculous with or without the phobia, but their latest response makes clear that it's less about the dogs and more to do with 'my way or the highway'.

So be it. Unfortunate though it is, you and your DH have played this right, OP.

Omg this sums up pretty much exactly how I feel now.

I have a dog and previously had other dogs and now I pretty much hate dogs and it's not the dogs fault it's the fucking owners.