I’m not being ‘unsociable’ or ‘difficult’

[Itsjustnotmything]

DP has much older siblings. Their dc are now all teens or in their twenties. Our dc are very young. I’m also terrified of dogs

When his siblings dc were small, MIL used to have them round a lot , it was all very child centred. As they grew up they started socialising differently and all got dogs….. lots of meet ups for dog walks etc, country pubs that kind of thing.

MIL is always inviting us round or to join them but I can’t !!!! It’s very much ‘adult’ socialising as in the evenings or dog centred as if they’re something at one house then everyone takes their dog.

Im being called unsociable and difficult!!!!

Ive suggested meeting up places but whatever we suggest doesn’t suit or they can’t bring their dogs. I’ve invited them to ours but they won’t come !! I don’t think I’m the one being difficult !

Not being housebound by a phobia sets the bar very low. Who wants to live a life of anxiety when you see a dog, or being unable to socialise with people who have dogs - which won’t just be her in laws. It’s no way to live.

I think both you and them are being stubborn now and a middle ground could be found if you were both a bit flexible.

Coming to you for lunch without the dogs is reasonable. How far away do they all live? Surely they are able to leave their dog/s for 2/3 hours?

Going to a cafe without the dogs for lunch is reasonable.

Meeting up at a country park with the dogs for a walk is also reasonable. You don’t have to hike for hours-you could find a nearby playground and play there for a hour. Or I’d take a buggy for the smaller one. You could go to the pub/cafe for a drink/lunch afterwards.

YANBU

There’s no way I would be comfortable having a 6 month old and a 3 yo around four free-roaming dogs in an enclosed space with owners who obviously care more about their dogs than the children around. I can bet if something happened, they would blame you instead of taking responsibility for their pets. I don’t mind dogs as long as they don’t sit, climb, or jump on me but I would not be able to relax if there were four roaming around and mine are 5 & 8. One is different two at a push, but four, no thank you.

Well done for your DH sticking up for you , but unfortunately his family have shown what matters to them and it’s obviously not the children. I also don’t understand why they can’t put their dogs on leads outside. I don’t think that is an unfair compromise and it’s some massive entitlement to expect you both to dog sit when you have small children. They love their dogs so much, they could easily keep the dog sitting between them.

I am a dog person but it sounds a bit like they are obsessed and also potentially have not trained their dogs properly ;) walking on lead can be a pain if dogs pull. Otherwise it should be ok. And dogs can generally be left for 4 hours or so if you've done separation work with them from puppyhood. If they are rescues, or you haven't, then likely nor.

It’s no way to live.

Neither is having to bring your dog everywhere with you and expecting everyone to be fine and dandy with it.

The dogs are a red herring, other than for the fact that their wellbeing is prioritized constantly over the younger children of the family. And that's odd enough in itself.

What you have here is a set of in-laws who are determined it's their way or the highway, who won't socialize with their younger son on any terms other than their own, who are entirely immovable, and who are impervious to compromise.

If DP has offered alternatives and they won't meet him even 1/5 of the way, I'd say this was entirely down to them. As the much younger child, if he's always felt 'left behind' then his parents' behaviour gives some indication as to why. Not all families with one significantly younger child make that child feel like an outcast.

I don't have an issue with dogs either way but they are not more important than people. And in families, if dogs take priority over children then those priorities are badly askew. The idea that these people can't undertake any form of activity without four dogs constantly in tow is patently ridiculous.

OP, YANBU.

Dog people can be a nightmare who refuse to accept that some people just don’t want to have dogs around them the whole time! I grew up with dogs and love them and would have one if we could. The number of times bloody dog owners have told me “he’s friendly” or “he won’t bite” or “he doesn’t like wheels” (🙄) as their badly trained dog jumps up and scratches me leaving mud all over me or jumps up at the pushchair barking at my babies. I will speak to your dog when it has calmed down enough and I want to not when it’s slobbering and trying to nip my DCs. I have also taught my DC how to recognise “friendly” dogs and to not rush up to every dog they see to stroke it. Dog owners seem to take this as a personal insult.

When the DC were around 1yr, we were due to go to SILs with their untrained large “puppy” ie full grown dog that disked about the whole time. We said not a problem, but can we keep the dog away from the children? Major problems, completely insulted, the entire time we were repeatedly told “he’s just pleased to see you” etc. Needless to say the DC behaved perfectly and the dog ended up shut in the kitchen after he barked in the DCs’ faces, jumped on top of them (he was as tall as them) and was generally awful.

Dogs and young children do not mix! I bet you anything the dogs will bound about jumping on everyone and the 3 year old will get knocked over and it will be brushed off and minimised and OP will be unreasonable for not wanting her child pushed into the mud. We always had dogs growing up and they never came out with us unless we were taking them for a walk. Not sure when dogs became incapable of being left alone for a couple of hours or left in a different part of the house. It is thoroughly rude to impose your dog(s) and others.

I’m not keen on dogs to be honest (yeah probably a bit scared). I would absolutely draw the line at 2 small children around many unfamiliar dogs. I don’t think YABU at all.

I don't think I'd like that either. Drinking at night isn't my thing, when I have children. I have a dog but much prefer to walk him alone, as he's unfriendly with other dogs. I don't understand, why you can only meet at dog walks or the pub?! Maybe send your husband?

I mean it's good your other half is on board but on the other hand regardless of your hate of dogs you can't make it about yourself all the time when your part of a family

Sounds like my in laws if you took the dogs out the equation.

All have older children, disposal income, home owners.

We are skint, rent privately and our kids are mid-teens now.

When they were younger they went on holidays we couldn't afford together, drinks at night when we had no babysitter available, even going for a group meal in the daytime which we were chuffed we could take part in, until it was booked for not only a very expensive restaurant, but a restaurant that exclusively sold fish and our DD is very allergic, actually deathly so, to it and couldn't be in the same room as it. They knew this as well.

DH is thick when it comes to his family, they can do no wrong. They constantly have ignored our existence and forgot DD and DS birthdays the last 3 years.

Chalk it up to them being arseholes, not you. You picked your DH, not his family, they are an unfortunate part of the deal.

Let him go but you can just ghost them and do something nice yourself when you can.

Since I gave up caring I've been a lot better off. Why let these people upset you? You wouldn't put up with it in any other situation would you?

Irrelevant. That other people make odd choices is no reason not to address a severe anxiety.

It’s not severe anxiety though as much as you want to make it one.

OP has said she is happy to go on shorter walks with the dogs on leads. If she was as anxious as you are making her out to be, she wouldn’t be up for that either.

the fact is OP has a fixable problem
True phobias are not always “fixable,” so it is not a fact that OPs fear of dogs can definitely be fixed/cured. Besides, I’m not convinced she should have to try? She’s only asking for a token effort now and again.

Are we talking big breeds,small breeds ora mixture?
Is it the size of the dog that's a problem?

?? The OP used to word “terrified” - that is severe anxiety. She cannot sit in a house with dogs in it.

So the OP doesn't want to socialise with dogs and in-laws aren't prepared to socialise without them? Both are valid life choices, I guess, but GPs aren't going to see much of their grandchildren then are they. That's just an inevitable consequence of their attitude. The children's parents get to set the boundaries and are not under any obligation to facilitate access for GPs under conditions set by those GPs. It's entirely reasonable for @Itsjustnotmything to not allow dogs into her home. Her in-laws are welcome, their dogs aren't.

YANBU at all, OP, and some of the comments on this thread are ridiculous. You're not expecting anything to revolve around you or stopping them from having their dog frenzies, you're just asking for the odd hour now and again that you and your family can actually join in with.

I agree with the PP who said that the dogs are almost a red herring - it's all about what they want and they're not willing to compromise even to a tiny degree in order to see their son/brother. That's awful imo and if I were your husband I'd be spelling that out to them.

Specifically with regard to the dogs though, you really can't reason with some dog owners. Obviously some of them are perfectly normal, reasonable people but then you get a fair few who are complete fanatics and think the whole world should be tailored to bloody dogs. You won't make them see sense. They're like flat earthers.

Relatives of mine have two very large, very boisterous dogs. I am not a dog person. I obviously put up with the dogs when I'm at their house, albeit I don't really interact with the dogs (which I have been told, in a friendly way, is 'weird' because most people play with the dogs at least a bit when visiting!).

However, I have made it clear that I don't want them in my house. This caused quite an issue at first because they (owners) just couldn't understand it. They tried persuading me, telling my husband I had agreed when I hadn't, and finally just turning up thinking that I wouldn't refuse them at the doorstep. I did. Thankfully it's all fine now, we're all friends and the dogs don't cross my threshold but it was weird and difficult for a while.

Anyway all this to say that I think you should stick to your guns. Keep suggesting things for your husband's sake, but if they keep saying no then it's completely on them, not you.

It’s great that you have full support from DH as that’s usually an issue on these threads. The whole thing is a shame for him too. I can see why he feels this way - they all had things how it suited (and supported them) when his siblings had young children. It’s understandable he’d want that sociable family vibe for his too

I agree, it’s very fixable: don’t bring the dogs. A simple solution! The in-laws need to crack on and realise that life doesn’t revolve around their dogs. Life is a lot easier without having four dogs come round your house.

Rubbish. I have a similar phobia and I don't want to waste time and money fixing it. You can lead a very happy life with dogs not even being a factor.

OP I think the dogs are a red herring here, the fact is they aren't making any effort to see your kids and you.

I don't think OP needs therapy. Most people afraid of dogs wouldn't be expected to be regularly in an environment that included 4 dogs playing together. Without this family issue it would be easy enough for OP to manage to live without needing to have therapy to help her with her fear of dogs.

I say this as a dog lover, btw, but I understand the fear of larger dogs, as if they choose to be unpredictable then they can be dangerous.

I think there just needs to be some give and take. They do child-friendly activities without dogs sometimes, you make an effort to endure their dogs sometimes. But as usual both sides become entrenched and polarised and determined that they alone are right. End result is a distanced family through lack of empathy, a shame for all concerned but self inflicted.

People and their bloody dogs, eh? Not everybody is a dog lover. But those people who are often insist on pressing their precious animals onto everyone.

One of my DCs is seriously allergic and this has been described by the dog-owners in my family as "doesn't like dogs" or "just being awkward". The cherry on the icing was having a dog literally waved in his face while the owner kept on "say hello to Rover". DC ended up in hospital.

The trick is to learn not to give a shit what other people think.

Dogs will always be a factor - they’re everywhere.

Like I said that is very MN - refuse to face anxieties and let them rule your life.