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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I’m not being ‘unsociable’ or ‘difficult’

273 replies

Itsjustnotmything · 10/05/2023 21:21

DP has much older siblings. Their dc are now all teens or in their twenties. Our dc are very young. I’m also terrified of dogs

When his siblings dc were small, MIL used to have them round a lot , it was all very child centred. As they grew up they started socialising differently and all got dogs….. lots of meet ups for dog walks etc, country pubs that kind of thing.

MIL is always inviting us round or to join them but I can’t !!!! It’s very much ‘adult’ socialising as in the evenings or dog centred as if they’re something at one house then everyone takes their dog.

Im being called unsociable and difficult!!!!

Ive suggested meeting up places but whatever we suggest doesn’t suit or they can’t bring their dogs. I’ve invited them to ours but they won’t come !! I don’t think I’m the one being difficult !

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 12/05/2023 18:14

StrawberryWasp · 12/05/2023 18:08

Well everything is fine then.

Everyone is doing what they want and OP feels this is in her children's best interest.

Seems a shame for her kids to me, but they're not my kids.

Her DH could take them over so they can get more acquainted if he wants to but oh wait, that only makes the in-laws moan about OP more because she doesn’t want to be around dogs which a lot of people don’t fear or not.

StrawberryWasp · 12/05/2023 18:16

phoenixrosehere · 12/05/2023 18:14

Her DH could take them over so they can get more acquainted if he wants to but oh wait, that only makes the in-laws moan about OP more because she doesn’t want to be around dogs which a lot of people don’t fear or not.

Well you can't control what people say about you.

phoenixrosehere · 12/05/2023 18:20

StrawberryWasp · 12/05/2023 18:16

Well you can't control what people say about you.

Obviously, hence OP should just leave them to it because they obviously care more for their pets than family.

StrawberryWasp · 12/05/2023 18:25

Or, OP doesn't care enough about integrating her children with their wider family to address her fear of dogs.

She doesn't have to but it goes both ways

RampantIvy · 12/05/2023 18:31

@StrawberryWasp why can't you understand that someone who is OK around dogs on leads does not want to sit in a small house with 4 dogs?

What is wrong with you?

I'm OK with dogs BTW, but I get exasperated with people who just don't get that not everyone loves dogs.

StrawberryWasp · 12/05/2023 18:41

RampantIvy · 12/05/2023 18:31

@StrawberryWasp why can't you understand that someone who is OK around dogs on leads does not want to sit in a small house with 4 dogs?

What is wrong with you?

I'm OK with dogs BTW, but I get exasperated with people who just don't get that not everyone loves dogs.

I do get it.

But I also get people who want to socialise with their dogs.

Both a personal preference.

In this case it's complicated by the fact there is a whole family group who prefers to socialise in this way.

The group will not change what everyone else prefers for one person's preference. It's unreasonable to expect that.

So op can either try to address her issue or accept her children won't be involved in family activities.
And she'll probably be viewed as difficult for excluding herself.

Her choice.

Mumma212 · 12/05/2023 20:50

This sounds awful to say but it seems like they’ve been there and done the grandchildren thing and now they’re kind of over that phase….really sad as that means your children are missing out on that aspect with their grandparents.
Especially sad as they made that effort for the others.

As they are continuing to make no effort to do things that would suit your family and seem to only enjoy ‘adult’ socialising I would stop making any effort to see them.
Also sounds like they consider the dogs as important as or more important than your children…I wouldn’t tolerate anyone with that view point.

The dog thing and the children’s immune system is rubbish…there’s much better ways to build immunity!
A house full of dogs is probably dirty but that doesn’t mean it’s ‘good’ for the children.
And it sounds very unpleasant, I’m not sure I could even eat in the same room as one dog let alone multiple dogs.
And a load of dogs around a small child and a baby…that’s a whole issue in itself.

Your children deserve better than them.
I’m glad that your DH is standing with you on this one!

kitsuneghost · 12/05/2023 20:53

StrawberryWasp · 12/05/2023 17:13

Both.

You take responsibility for your own decisions.

People can choose to socialise primarily with their dogs, this will limit what they do.

People can choose not to socialise around dogs. This will limit what they do.

It's the assumption that your phobia should limit the choices of others that is flawed. In this case limit the activities of a whole group who would rather socialise with their dogs.

One person's phobia does not get to dictate the activity of a group.

People are not obliged to limit their choices because of your phobia.

I think you are missing the point.
It is not about socialising or not
It is about not being name called and bullied because of her choice not to be around dogs

StarryCup · 12/05/2023 20:59

Or, OP doesn't care enough about integrating her children with their wider family to address her fear of dogs

OP and her dh seem to care enough to invite all the relatives over to their house every weekend. But they won't come without their dogs. Doesn't sound like she doesn't care about integrating with the family. I can totally empathise with this being a deal breaker. A 6 month baby and a toddler in a house with 4 unfamiliar dogs sounds like a recipe for trouble. Can't put the baby on the floor for a start.

I've contributed to this thread a few times and I have lots of dog owning friends and relatives, but in all honesty only one of them in 40 years has actually asked to bring their dog into my house. It was the retired couple next door who never go anywhere without their dog and I invited them to a few neighbourly drinks and nibbles on NYE. (alongside a few other neighbours, a dozen or so in all)
They turned up on the doorstep with their medium sized mutt and I looked at them quizzically. They came forward to step in the door and without thinking I reacted by half shutting the door. It wasn't a good optic, I admit.
I just said through the gap "Why have you brought the dog"?

They said they couldn't leave it alone, it would cry and bark. I said 'there are a dozen people in here, the dog won't like it"

They said they would come in and if the dog was barky and didn't settle they they would leave. I had to say I didn't really want to disturb things as they were, and didn't know how the other guests might feel (half of them have dogs of their own that they didn't bring!). They then said the other neighbours knew their dog because they see them out walking. So I had to resort to pure honesty and say I didn't want a dog in my house.

At the time they mumbled a bit and one of them came in and stayed for a couple of hours, then swapped places with the other who went home to be with the dog. We'd been neighbours for 20+ years but they became decidedly cool for a year or two. They were so mortally offended by me that it was difficult for them to speak to me after I 'dissed' their dog. I mean, do dog owners have to take it so personally? I like these neighbours, they are lovely and friendly and I wouldn't ever want to upset them. But having their dog in my house, let alone having a dog significantly change how the gathering might go - you can't sit here, can't sit there, don't go near the dog it's asleep, don't feed the dog, don't stand on the dog, there's a dog around so don't step backwards without looking. . .that's way beyond what I'd do for my nearest and dearest.

Having said all that, and answering the yet unasked but anticipated question.
"Would you have shut the door on a baby or toddler?"

No, I wouldn't. Not ever. Babies and toddlers are human beings and are welcome in my house day or night, whatever the reason and no matter how taciturn they choose to be. And particularly on New Year's Eve, I would assume that the parents really wanted to come but had no childcare support whatever so chanced their arms and brought the babies. Some might think children at a New Years Eve Party is inappropriate. I would think it might be their only option of getting out and socialising and I would have gone out of my way to make them extra welcome and glad that they could engage with us and felt comfortable doing so. I would go miles out of my way to make parents of babies and young children welcome in my house. I would make all rooms and beds available for them to sleep, if that became an option. I would go out of my way to prepare food that they could eat.

But not dogs, never dogs, because dogs are, well, they are just animals.
Animals can be trained to be left alone for a couple of hours.
If you can't be arsed to train your dog then don't expect everyone else to accommodate your lack of commitment to being a responsible dog owner.

People who compare dogs to human babies and human children are, in my opinion, completely lost to reason. You just can't argue with stupid.

Tansytea · 12/05/2023 21:01

You are totally right @StarryCup

phoenixrosehere · 12/05/2023 21:24

StrawberryWasp · 12/05/2023 18:25

Or, OP doesn't care enough about integrating her children with their wider family to address her fear of dogs.

She doesn't have to but it goes both ways

OP again, doesn’t have to be involved and has already said she is ok with her DH taking the kids. Why are you choosing to ignore that part?

That is a decent solution but the in-laws can’t accept that and that’s a problem. She is not stopping her DH from taking the kids over so not preventing them from seeing the kids. The only thing she is preventing them from doing is stepping on her boundaries about dogs and forcing her into a situation she doesn’t want to be in and shouldn’t have to.

StrawberryWasp · 12/05/2023 21:39

phoenixrosehere · 12/05/2023 21:24

OP again, doesn’t have to be involved and has already said she is ok with her DH taking the kids. Why are you choosing to ignore that part?

That is a decent solution but the in-laws can’t accept that and that’s a problem. She is not stopping her DH from taking the kids over so not preventing them from seeing the kids. The only thing she is preventing them from doing is stepping on her boundaries about dogs and forcing her into a situation she doesn’t want to be in and shouldn’t have to.

No one is forcing her to go.

She chooses not to go, and they don't like it.

She doesn't get to choose not to go and get to control what others think of her decision.

Just like Starrycup could say no to her neighbour but couldn't control them being upset about that.

OP can only control her own choices and responses.

She can not go and they'll think she's difficult.

She can't not go and make them agree she's reasonable.

They can say no to coming to her house. They can't say no and make her think they're reasonable.

Everyone can make their choices and think the others are wrong.

OP seems to object to their view of her choice. She can't control that.

RampantIvy · 12/05/2023 21:45

People who compare dogs to human babies and human children are, in my opinion, completely lost to reason

I agree.

StarryCup · 13/05/2023 04:02

People who compare dogs to human babies and human children are, in my opinion, completely lost to reason

I agree

I think everybody does. But doggy folks on here get all het up and defend
their deepest doggie love for their smelly hounds that they inflict on us.

We none doggy folks actually despise them and hate that they inflict their hounds on us. Uninvited, unwanted, and most definitely we do not think they are cute. "Oh, he doesn't always lick people, he must like you very much"

Well surprisingly for you, I don't like him at all, so tell him to fuck the fuck off. I came here dogless for a reason,
Get your fucking dog out of my fucking face. Take it home with you and preferably in the next five minutes. Don't bring it out again until you can control the annoying little bastard and stop it jumping at people. And piss off with those long leads that trip everybody up. Dogs have ruined almost every fishing village in Devon and Cornwall.

I actually try to live here, and the number of dateless tourists with untrained undisciplined holiday mutts is wrecking the place. They just bark and shit.
And there are hundreds of thousands of them. All barking and shitting everywhere at will. Very few people pick up the turds, although some do, rarely.
Dogshit is even ruining the coastlines, You can't take ten steps without stepping in a pile of dog crap. It's ruining the ethos of the place. I walked this cliff path regularly 40 years ago and I never once stepped in dogshit and I never gave a second thought to the possibility. Now I can't stride out with confidence any more, The cliffs are littered with it.

Dog owners. Just pick up after your dog has shit .Pleas

Laura1685 · 13/05/2023 06:32

What age is your dc? Is dc scared of dogs? Dc might love it!

Teateaandmoretea · 13/05/2023 07:15

Comparison to human babies aside dogs are more cosseted than they used to be. It used to be totally normal to leave dogs in cars for example, meaning that you could go into places without them. This was kinda handy tbh.

Now before someone points out thx obvious you can’t do it if it’s hot, but for most of the year in the U.K. the car will be a safe temperature. Now it just seems unfashionable, MIL wont leave hers in the car for an hour ever and I’m baffled why not. Presumably the dog owners will be thrusting studies at me for suggesting something so —previously normal— inhumane.

StarbucksKaren · 13/05/2023 07:37

Some people really project on to their dogs too. It’s them who struggle to socialise without dog, not always the dog who can’t be left. I think there are a huge amount of unofficial support dogs.

There are obviously people who do that about their children too - they’re always with them when little and reach the point of hiding behind them and being a family and don’t know who they are without DC in tow - but that’s easier for other people to accommodate than dogs, or a ‘dog family’ like OP’s in-laws say she’s a part of?!?!

Teateaandmoretea · 13/05/2023 08:47

dog family

I know it’s completely batshit 🤣

phoenixrosehere · 13/05/2023 08:49

StrawberryWasp · 12/05/2023 21:39

No one is forcing her to go.

She chooses not to go, and they don't like it.

She doesn't get to choose not to go and get to control what others think of her decision.

Just like Starrycup could say no to her neighbour but couldn't control them being upset about that.

OP can only control her own choices and responses.

She can not go and they'll think she's difficult.

She can't not go and make them agree she's reasonable.

They can say no to coming to her house. They can't say no and make her think they're reasonable.

Everyone can make their choices and think the others are wrong.

OP seems to object to their view of her choice. She can't control that.

I agree she can’t but her in-laws could shut up about it instead of constantly telling her DH or telling her that and trying to force the issue. That’s really the cusp of the matter. They could choose to keep their opinions to themselves instead of making her the problem when her and her DH have tried to compromise.

At the end of the day, they’re the ones missing out with the children and they’ve shown OP’s DH how much they really care.

RampantIvy · 13/05/2023 08:54

It is the tone deaf dog owners who anthropomorphise their dogs that give the vast majority of dog owners a bad name.

Most dog owners love their pets, but recognise that they are pets not people and they aren't joined at the hip. They also appreciate that not everyone loves dogs..

I agree with @StarbucksKaren that there is a lot of projection going on.

Teateaandmoretea · 13/05/2023 09:00

OP seems to object to their view of her choice. She can't control that.

It’s not a few randoms down the pub though that the OP can take or leave. It’s DH’s entire family.

I imagine despite being different to then she wants to have done kind of relationship with them for the sake of her DC and DH.

Mamamia32 · 13/05/2023 09:48

Dogs aside, I just can't imagine my parents or in laws refusing to come over and see their own grandchildren when they've been invited every weekend. That is far more unreasonable and sad than someone who isn't comfortable with dogs.

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/05/2023 10:54

I can’t be doing with people who can’t go anyway without their dogs
sad and weird

thing47 · 13/05/2023 19:16

Most dog owners love their pets, but recognise that they are pets not people and they aren't joined at the hip.

This. Just spent a lovely morning with 2 very good friends at their house where their 2 dogs were present. They're lovely placid animals I was happy to pet briefly then they were told to go to their beds, which they did. No dramas. If we were going for a walk in the country I would expect them to bring their dogs.

But their house smells of dog, and I don't want my house to smell of dog so the dogs aren't allowed in my house. Luckily my friends are (relatively) sane and would never assume their dogs are invited. Doesn't stop them coming over for drinks or dinner…

ToWhitToWhoo · 13/05/2023 22:19

People are not obliged to limit their choices because of your phobia.

No, they're not. But they should own their choice, and accept that this will limit their time with people who have this phobia, and not accuse the latter of being 'unsociable and difficult'.

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