I’m not being ‘unsociable’ or ‘difficult’

[Itsjustnotmything]

DP has much older siblings. Their dc are now all teens or in their twenties. Our dc are very young. I’m also terrified of dogs

When his siblings dc were small, MIL used to have them round a lot , it was all very child centred. As they grew up they started socialising differently and all got dogs….. lots of meet ups for dog walks etc, country pubs that kind of thing.

MIL is always inviting us round or to join them but I can’t !!!! It’s very much ‘adult’ socialising as in the evenings or dog centred as if they’re something at one house then everyone takes their dog.

Im being called unsociable and difficult!!!!

Ive suggested meeting up places but whatever we suggest doesn’t suit or they can’t bring their dogs. I’ve invited them to ours but they won’t come !! I don’t think I’m the one being difficult !

Right, but it's very easy to live a perfectly normal, happy, free, full life without interacting with dogs. I'm doing it. I'm not missing out on anything.

That's not the issue here.

The issue is that OP's in laws have for some reason decided they're not prepared to do anything at all without dogs, which is far more limiting to their lives. Perhaps they should get therapy?

Taking dogs for a shorter o lead walk isn't being unfair to dogs. They could take them for a longer walk before meeting up or an extra walk once home

She's like me, she is ok with going on a short walk with dogs on a lead. I'm not terrified of dogs on leads either. If I meet a friend in the street who is out with their dog, that's totally fine. Dogs are absolutely not a factor in my life. I could not care less. I do not go to people's homes if they have dogs unless they put the dog in another room. I have never had anything but understanding and this has never affected a friendship. Most people are not massive arses.

Long walks and sitting in pubs are not good for 6 month old and 3 year old!

Your lifestyles are incompatible. It sounds like they won’t compromise as they have to centre their world around dogs. It’s not healthy to be so obsessed that you can never leave the dog for an hour or two, especially to see your grandchildren.

I mean, I love dogs. But this is obsessive on their part. It’s almost like they like having a reason to demonise you.

How much younger is your partner than his brothers?

Sure, this is standard MN. Don’t face your fears, expect others to accommodate them.

Personally I like to face fears and get over them. Then OP would be fine with dogs regardless of the doggy madness MIL likes to indulge.

But she may continue to dislike dogs even if not afraid of them and, reasonably, not want her baby around loads of strange dogs. Therapy isn’t going to solve that her MIL and family want to do things that the child and baby can’t do, such as sitting around drinking, going to the pub, or a dog show. She’s not ruled by her fear and has offered compromise: the in-laws don’t want compromise.

I’m not remotely afraid of dogs. I still don’t want them in my house and, with a small baby of my own, I don’t really fancy an evening drinking – I need the sleep. And my older kid would be bored at a pub, would hate a dog show, doesn’t drink in the evenings either, being four. That leaves long walks – she could do that, tedious yanking a small baby in a sling away from bouncy dogs all the time. I wouldn’t want to stop for feeds and nappy changes with off-lead dogs around either. All OP is asking for is that her kids’ family include some kid-friendly activities instead of dog-friendly ones. Anyone who prioritises dogs over humans needs the therapy, not OP.

Sure, but a dislike is a very different thing to ‘terror’.

Yet, she is willing to do short walks with the dogs on lead which is a good compromise for someone who is afraid.

Dogs will always be a factor - they’re everywhere.

Honestly, though, this just isn't true. I manage to go to work every day on public transport, I shop, I go to gigs, theatre, cinema, and restaurants and pubs, and I play sport and take exercise all without routinely interacting with dogs.

I actually quite like them and I'm not actively trying to avoid them. So anyone who is trying to avoid them can definitely do so.

Well I agree with the other posters that it would probably be a good idea to work on your fear of dogs as clearly they are a huge part of your in-laws lives. I have kids and my sister doesn’t but she does have two huge slobbery, hairy dogs who she treats like her babies. I can’t say I understand the love for them but I love my sister and therefore I will always make an effort to ask about them, buy them doggy Christmas presents, arrive with bones on visiting (to prevent any jumping up) and my sister positively beams with delight when I do these things. I probably look exactly the same when I see family/friends interact with my DC.

I suppose I see this as there has to be some give and take on both sides. We have two kids, younger than yours, and we will often do the family events but only for an hour or so before heading off when they start getting grumpy. Even drinks at other peoples houses shouldn’t be an issue if you say you’d love to see everyone but with the kids bedtimes can you meet early doors and you’ll stop for a couple of hours. It doesn’t need to be this big divide of dogs/adult activities v kids.

There is no way you’re the problem here, you can’t have your visits dictated by their dogs. Your in laws are wholly the problem. The good thing is your DP seems to recognise this and has your back.

DP has tried inviting everyone together and each person separately too but they all seem to want to meet up with everyone and all the dogs every time.

This having to meet everyone (even aside from dog issue) is problematic. Siblings and MIL are adults of mature age not teenagers. It all sounds really enmeshed. I wonder if just one of them could have got a dog? Or did it need to be all or none?

Turn it back on them. You’re not keeping GC from them, they’re keeping you and GC from the wider family life by their insistence on having it be this way.

DH is right they have left him behind. A lot of people move on to dogs when they stop having kids! MIL and his brothers have all done this but your DH can’t and they won’t accommodate him.

I do understand MIL can’t host at hers in quite the way she did when her older GC were little. She was younger then and it fitted with her lifestyle if she also still had a DC at home too

They sound like hard work.

YNBU, and I love dogs.

Why on earth should OP go through the time, expense and stress of therapy to try to overcome her phobia (I say "try" because there's no guarantee it would even work!) just to go along with her in-laws' demands? They haven't shown willing at all.

OP and her DH have offered various alternatives - some of which still include the dogs - but his family has refused to give an inch. I wouldn't go to the end of the street to spend time with people so unwilling to compromise, never mind therapy.

It's not a mental health issue if the OP would prefer to socialise without a literal pack of dogs underfoot.

You don’t need therapy OP, it is perfectly reasonable to be scared of dogs. They are unpredictable animals with Sharp teeth and claws!

I say this as a dog owner.
When I have visitors who are not fond of dogs, or small children visiting, the dog is put in the garden (in Nice weather, she loves it) or in another room with the door shut.

I don’t insist on bringing my dog anywhere; I ask if it is ok or not.

Your inlaws are completely in the wrong here!

I think your approach is totally "entitled dog owner".
Why is this a useful fear to face? You have no come back on that. She doesn't want to do the dog based activities either. I'm not afraid of saying I'm scared of dogs, not in the slightest. But I don't value them personally in any way. There would be literally no improvement in my life if I liked dogs. None. That's what dog people don't get. I respect their right to love dogs, in the same way as I respect people's right to love sport, but I don't share it and I don't care that I don't. I cannot stress my indifference to not wanting to be around dogs enough.

Feel for you OP.

I'm neutral towards dogs, with no strong feelings either way. But am honestly baffled by the obsession middle aged white people have with dogs. They smell, they shit everywhere, and you're tied to them for 10-15 years.

The dogs are a red herring here as someone said earlier. The dogs aren’t making all these decisions and blocking all of OP and her husband’s reasonable suggestions and invitations - it’s people who are doing that - the inlaws.

They’re putting you on the defensive OP by calling you difficult and unsociable. Do not get caught up in trying to defend yourself but take a step back. They are being difficult and unsociable if everything centres on lots of dogs, alcohol at home and in pubs, and long walks - when you have such young children.

It’s not like they don’t know life with young kids, they all had them. You’re just asking them to sometimes be in a world they very much do know

I concur that the dogs are a red herring. In our family, my elder sisters kids had reached teenage years when the younger ones started having babies. We (as a family) have been able to accommodate both! You don't have to always do adult activities any more than you always have to do child centred ones. In a normal family, all members' wants / needs are considered.

“I feel like they suggest such non child friendly social activities. Long country walks , pubs, dog shows , evenings drinking at each others houses”

Well I did my lot’s childhoods wrong then.
Admittedly pubs weren’t quite as often but at the end of a long walk, a treat of a fizzy drink was never turned down.

Nothing more to be done.
Perfectly reasonable, your DH and you are united on this, MIL been firmly told.
If she doesn’t like the arrangements on offer thats on her. If she moans about you and DH let her, people will soon get sick of her moaning.

For bigger kids, perhaps - walking with little kids is very different! Yes, you can walk, but it's very slow and fiddly, and I suspect the in laws would still not be happy!