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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m not being ‘unsociable’ or ‘difficult’

273 replies

Itsjustnotmything · 10/05/2023 21:21

DP has much older siblings. Their dc are now all teens or in their twenties. Our dc are very young. I’m also terrified of dogs

When his siblings dc were small, MIL used to have them round a lot , it was all very child centred. As they grew up they started socialising differently and all got dogs….. lots of meet ups for dog walks etc, country pubs that kind of thing.

MIL is always inviting us round or to join them but I can’t !!!! It’s very much ‘adult’ socialising as in the evenings or dog centred as if they’re something at one house then everyone takes their dog.

Im being called unsociable and difficult!!!!

Ive suggested meeting up places but whatever we suggest doesn’t suit or they can’t bring their dogs. I’ve invited them to ours but they won’t come !! I don’t think I’m the one being difficult !

OP posts:
Mirabai · 10/05/2023 22:14

What therapy have you done to address this phobia? It’s affecting your life to an unacceptable degree and yet you don’t mention trying to tackle it other than avoiding dogs which is not practical.

When you get to know individual dogs they become less scary.

Bababear987 · 10/05/2023 22:15

Could you all meet up for the big country walk and just take the kids and make everyone walk at their pace.... it might remind them a bit of how different life is with young children

JudgeRudy · 10/05/2023 22:19

ZenNudist · 10/05/2023 21:25

Surely you can meet in the park. If you're so scared of dogs you can't go to a park I suggest therapy. Surely you see dogs in the street etc. I don't like dogs but I can't avoid them all the time.

Are they really vicious kinds that look like they would bite you and not let go?

I dare say she could meet in a park but do you always meet your family and friends in a park or field. It's not unreasonable to want to do something without dogs for once.

GrassWillBeGreener · 10/05/2023 22:21

Maybe with a bit of luck the oldest grandchildren (now in their 20s) will start having children soon and there will be a role for family gatherings that suit yours as well again.
(I grew up with one set of cousins much older and another very much younger, overlapping the older one's children).

JudgeRudy · 10/05/2023 22:23

hesaidshesaidtheysaid · 10/05/2023 21:33

Pleased to hear your DH is onboard and dealing with this, just as he should be.
Sod the lot of them if they can't be arsed.

Yes, so often we hear you don't have a MIL problem you have a husband problem.

JudgeRudy · 10/05/2023 22:27

Mirabai · 10/05/2023 22:14

What therapy have you done to address this phobia? It’s affecting your life to an unacceptable degree and yet you don’t mention trying to tackle it other than avoiding dogs which is not practical.

When you get to know individual dogs they become less scary.

Im not particularly scared of dogs but I don't enjoy their company. I don't like sitting in hairy or smelly houses and some owners leave their dogs in the room your sitting in, panting and drooling away.

Mirabai · 10/05/2023 22:44

JudgeRudy · 10/05/2023 22:27

Im not particularly scared of dogs but I don't enjoy their company. I don't like sitting in hairy or smelly houses and some owners leave their dogs in the room your sitting in, panting and drooling away.

Show quote history

That’s not what the OP is describing.

thecatsmeows · 10/05/2023 22:49

@JudgeRudy I'm the same. I'm not scared of dogs, I just plain hate them. I have zero desire to spend any of my precious spare time playing second fiddle sitting in someone's stanky foul dog stinking home while their stanky pet jumps up on me and constantly interrupts the conversation with their barking.

My best friend of 20 years got a puppy 6 months ago. He's constantly trying to get me to meet the damn thing. I'm constantly telling him that just because he's now got one it doesn't change how I feel about them.

UndercoverCop · 10/05/2023 22:54

Some of those activities sound fine for children, DS regularly walks 5.5/6 miles on the beach round trip he's 4, baby goes in a carrier. You can always take a buggy if your 3 year old won't walk as far. Children would love a dog show surely? We stumbled across one when DS was about 2.5 and he thought it was brilliant. Watching the working dogs do obstacles etc.
DH and the DC go if you can't. There's no reason your children can't be around dogs because of your phobia.
Equally family should make an effort to attend things you invite them to. How far do you live from family? Is it possible for them to leave the dogs?
I'm not a dog person at all, I think they smell , slobber and get hair everywhere but you can't leave them alone for whole days.

JudgeRudy · 10/05/2023 23:10

Yes, I know. My point is I don't have a phobia and I think it's not unreasonable for me not to want 'dog company'.
I'm not sure if her 'phobia' is getting in the way of her life. Her ILs are refusing to do anything other than 'dog' activities

SlippySarah · 10/05/2023 23:41

I would not want to be around dogs that much either. MIL saying that they are a "dog family" is really being unfair and excluding you. For me, its not so much fear but they get in the way, are smelly and drooly. We went to a coronation thing in the local park on Sunday where there was a dog show as well as the usual stalls, games, food and drinks. The bloody dogs got everywhere- yapping, tripping people up, jumping up at kids, just generally annoying. My DD (12) said the backs of her legs were slobbered on by two different dogs while she was walking through the crowds - it's really not on to impose your filthy animal on other people.

Mirabai · 10/05/2023 23:49

JudgeRudy · 10/05/2023 23:10

Yes, I know. My point is I don't have a phobia and I think it's not unreasonable for me not to want 'dog company'.
I'm not sure if her 'phobia' is getting in the way of her life. Her ILs are refusing to do anything other than 'dog' activities

It’s unreasonable to refuse to visit any of your partners’ relatives or have them to your house, ever, on the basis that you don’t like dogs. OP is actually afraid of them though.

Of course it’s getting in the way of her life it means she can’t socialise with her in laws at all.

Newname2323 · 11/05/2023 00:29

They're weirdly dog obsessed

kingtamponthefurred · 11/05/2023 00:41

It is a pity that your in-laws prioritise their dogs above you, but dog people are weird.

JudgeRudy · 11/05/2023 02:41

Mirabai · 10/05/2023 23:49

It’s unreasonable to refuse to visit any of your partners’ relatives or have them to your house, ever, on the basis that you don’t like dogs. OP is actually afraid of them though.

Of course it’s getting in the way of her life it means she can’t socialise with her in laws at all.

Show quote history

No-one is saying the relatives can't come to their house. They've been invited lots of times and always decline. If you read again you'll see that OPs husband has said he'll invite them one last time and that's it, so she's not refusing to have them over for any reason at all.
She could socialise with the in laws if theyd give her an opportunity. There are lots of activities, or places to go that don't involve being in an enclosed space with dogs. OP is prepared to tolerate the dogs outside if the ILs chose something that the children can join in. The relatives just refuse to do anything other than dog related activities and are prioritising this over seeing their grandchildren. When their other GC were little they did family things with them. On that basis I'd say it's the ILs that are being very unreasonable.

Luckily her husband agrees

JandalsAlways · 11/05/2023 03:05

Have I understood this correctly? So basically if you're all to meet as a family the dogs have to be part of it, even though you're scared of them? YANBU. If you are in a pub and the dogs are just sitting there then YABU, as I'm sure you must encounter digs all the time?

AP5Diva · 11/05/2023 03:10

Itsjustnotmything · 10/05/2023 21:30

He’s had enough of it. He told MIL last weekend that she’s the one causing a problem and the one who is constantly organising things that she knows wont include us but then criticising us for not coming. He told her he’s invited everyone over enough times to know that he is making an effort and he’s not going to carry on if they won’t meet us halfway.
He said yet again the invitation is there this weekend to come round , to everyone , to see the dc etc but without the dogs and if it’s a no again then he won’t be offering anymore

Show quote history

Your DH is handling this fantastically. It is really his family choosing their dogs over your DH, you and your DC.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 11/05/2023 03:21

Your DH is a gem!

Keep on as you are doing, and make your own little family of friends to socialise with for your DC.

I can't imagine the dog situation getting any better. And boo fucking hoo for the poor things not having a dog sitter on tap... 🙄

bussteward · 11/05/2023 04:49

Mirabai · 10/05/2023 22:14

What therapy have you done to address this phobia? It’s affecting your life to an unacceptable degree and yet you don’t mention trying to tackle it other than avoiding dogs which is not practical.

When you get to know individual dogs they become less scary.

How is it affecting her life to an “unacceptable” degree? The only person it’s unacceptable to is her MIL, who sounds like a pain in the arse. OP is fine going to the park, she’s not housebound by her fear of dogs, she just doesn’t want to socialise with four dogs. Neither do I, and I’m not scared of dogs, I just dislike them.

The problem here isn’t OP, it’s her in-laws.

Lacoeur · 11/05/2023 09:06

kingtamponthefurred · 11/05/2023 00:41

It is a pity that your in-laws prioritise their dogs above you, but dog people are weird.

This!

SparklyBlackKitten · 11/05/2023 09:12

"Dogs on leads in a park etc it’s fine. I can’t sit in someone’s house with multiple dogs though "

So you are not scared of dogs then..
You are just maybe scared of them jumping on you?

I would get therapy if i was you.
You will raise kids that are gonna be scared too. Which is the worst as dogs are everywhere.....

DemonicCaveMaggot · 11/05/2023 09:13

YANBU. I love cats and DH and I used to have three of them. One of them seemed to think she was a shark and would test people by pressing her face against their leg, then coming back around for a bite. When we had visitors we shut the cats upstairs. We visited a work colleague who had a Rhodesian Ridgeback of dubious character - he was shut in the garage during our visit. There is no excuse for your in-laws, they could do things to make a visit easier for you, they don't even seem to try.

StonwEd · 11/05/2023 09:21

Agree with the poster who said they’re weirdly obsessed. To the point they’re excluding family and can’t go for a meal at their house if their dogs aren’t invited?! I’ve never heard anything like this and most of my friends have dogs!
we do, used to take them to my dads of an evening, then he got a cat, now we can’t. We also lost our dog sitter but that’s not my dads problem, it’s ours!
your dh family are weird, it’sa shame they’re pushing you out like his

TheNecessaryWoman · 11/05/2023 09:32

I'm from a dog family 😄. We currently have 4 between us. But if I had a close relative who couldn't be around dogs I'd definitely make the effort to organise stuff you could enjoy too. They all sound very selfish.

Mirabai · 11/05/2023 09:33

JudgeRudy · 11/05/2023 02:41

No-one is saying the relatives can't come to their house. They've been invited lots of times and always decline. If you read again you'll see that OPs husband has said he'll invite them one last time and that's it, so she's not refusing to have them over for any reason at all.
She could socialise with the in laws if theyd give her an opportunity. There are lots of activities, or places to go that don't involve being in an enclosed space with dogs. OP is prepared to tolerate the dogs outside if the ILs chose something that the children can join in. The relatives just refuse to do anything other than dog related activities and are prioritising this over seeing their grandchildren. When their other GC were little they did family things with them. On that basis I'd say it's the ILs that are being very unreasonable.

Luckily her husband agrees

Show quote history

They’ve been invited but without the dogs.

On MN people live lives completely dominated by their fears - can’t answer the door, the phone, can’t drive, can’t go on planes, can’t be around dogs - whatever and they accept their phobia/anxiety passively without any real attempt to address it.

In the real world people crack on, get therapy, face their fears and get over it, which makes life a lot easier.

I’m not saying theses aren’t a weird bunch of people, but the fact is OP has a fixable problem which would make her life easier in general and her life around her in laws in particular.