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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve never been hugged by either of my parents. I was wondering how usual/unusual this is.

204 replies

IdiotWhoDoesIdioticThings · 10/05/2023 19:48

Every once in a while when I read here about family hugging and even more so cuddling I just go ”people actually do that?!” and I was wondering if anyone else’s family is/was like that. Your childhood family or the one you’ve made.

And bonus question, for me this also extent to friends. Honestly I donmt think I even know how or when to hug. Is that sad?

For reference I was raised by boomers and I’m an only child and extended family is small also, no physical show of affection from anyone.

YANBU - no hugs here either
YABU - some or lots of physical touch in our family

OP posts:
Noicant · 11/05/2023 06:43

We always do hug and kiss on hellos and goodbyes though. Dh made it a habit which is good. My instincts are just absent in this regard.

SaltanVinegar · 11/05/2023 06:45

I know I was hugged as a child, because I’ve been told I was, but I can’t remember it at all, and don’t hug my mum now. I can’t imagine hugging her at all, it would feel so unnatural! My dad died years ago and I can’t remember hugging him either. Or saying I love you to either of them.

I hug my DD a lot, she’s 11, and still says love you to each other daily. Older son is not comfy with hugs nowadays, bit sad but I don’t push that, I still say love you to him and get a grunt in return.

Noicant · 11/05/2023 06:46

Oh yes and it wasn’t an emotionally healthy family who just didn’t do hugs. Fairly sure both parents had personality disorders.

NumberTheory · 11/05/2023 06:53

I’m 54. My parents were boomers and we hugged, not as much as I hug my kids, but it didn’t have to be a special occasion or anything. And we hugged extended family, including grandparents and great grandparents on both sides in greeting/farewell at get-togethers as well as various “aunties” & “uncles” (who were just adult family friends we were allowed to call by their first names!).

But I wouldn’t have hugged, for instance, my friends’ parents when I was young, though by the time I was mid-twenties I would, though in a very superficial way.

RK800 · 11/05/2023 06:59

Yeah I feel you OP, no affection from either parents growing up and neither of them have ever said that they love me. I was fed and clothed and “taken to stately homes” so to speak 🙂so I can’t complain as others have it a lot worse.

But to be honest, it really impacted my life in many ways by the choices I would make in order to get affection elsewhere. It wasn’t until I discussed this during therapy that my therapist said that it was emotional neglect.

I guess my parents have their reasons why but I hug my kids every day and always tell them I love them. I never want them to feel the way I did growing up.

Ellemeg82 · 11/05/2023 07:05

My experience growing up is the same. Never hugged, never told I love you, never given any praise/encouragement, always had to be 'fine', can't talk about or show emotions etc.

My parents are also of an age where they were born post war in the early 50s and I was born in the 80s.

With my own child I'm the opposite and want him to know he is loved, want him to know he can talk to me, want him to express his emotions and also I hug him constantly!

Years of me not being able to express my emotions have made me a very anxious awkward adult.

So you're not alone OP.

Banditdog · 11/05/2023 07:08

I have never been hugged by my parents and they have never told me they love me either.

gymwars · 11/05/2023 07:27

My DH was never hugged by his parents either as far as he recalls, and they never hugged our dc when they were growing up either. Weird family! As a result my dc were massively close to my parents growing up, whereas MIL has a very distant relationship with them.

WildRosie · 11/05/2023 07:41

I'm not a tactile person. I hate being touched by anybody. Probably a result of my upbringing.

Tootsey11 · 11/05/2023 07:46

Never had a hug from mine either, or any physical contact apart from being hit, hung upside down.

I hug my own son every day.

Original poster
IdiotWhoDoesIdioticThings · 11/05/2023 07:52

wandawaves · 11/05/2023 04:06

My mum's the same OP. No hugs, no I love you's, no compliments. And conversely, no criticisms either ie "your school marks are very poor, I think you need to study a bit". Also, no advocacy for when ermmm... bad things... happened to me as a kid. Basically no parenting whatsoever, we just co-existed really.

I have made very sure to not raise my kids that way. I'm honestly disgusted at the parenting I was given as a kid.

Oh my goodness!
This is me as well!

Basically no parenting whatsoever, we just co-existed really.

It’s crazy to read this, it’s like someone took my history and wrote it here!

OP posts:
Original poster
IdiotWhoDoesIdioticThings · 11/05/2023 08:01

Yants · 11/05/2023 05:46

Never hugged or cuddled or told I love you.

Both of my parents are two of the most selfish, self absorbed, self obsessed, self centred narcissists you could ever wish to meet. Neither of them are even cut out to be in a relationship with another person as they're both so utterly self focused.

It's always remained a complete mystery to me why they got together, got married, had kids, I'm guessing they did it just to conform to social norms rather than because they wanted to offer love, commitment and companionship to each other or their children.

100% parents!

I used to think me, my life, out family was a cosmic joke.
I never understood why they got and remaind together and had me.
When they clearly didn’t want any of it.

Neither of them see anything than their own misery….

OP posts:
Original poster
IdiotWhoDoesIdioticThings · 11/05/2023 08:01

Meant to say:

  • 100% MY parents.
OP posts:
Allschoolsareartschools · 11/05/2023 08:09

I can count the hugs I've had from my parents on one hand. Can't remember them ever saying they loved me although I do think they do!
They're just rather cold. Displays of any emotion were not welcome growing up, not easy especially as a teenager.
My father had a horribly unpredictable & unfair temper & dm has spent a huge part of her life making excuses for him. I honestly think she could've been a different person if they'd split but they're in their 80s now so nothing will ever change & it's pointless expecting it to (although it took me a good few years to realise this.)
I'm so different, I make sure my dds know how loved & fantastic they are, they also find my parents extremely odd.

BoobyDazzler · 11/05/2023 08:22

Lots of hugging here from my parents and lots of hugging for my children.

I still hug my parents and siblings a lot now, i’m mid 40’s.

boobot1 · 11/05/2023 08:29

I hug and kiss my parents, I hug and kiss my inlaws! Im a hugger, I hug friends and even collegues. I cant actually think of anyone who doesnt hug🤷‍♀️

wandawaves · 11/05/2023 12:02

boobot1 · 11/05/2023 08:29

I hug and kiss my parents, I hug and kiss my inlaws! Im a hugger, I hug friends and even collegues. I cant actually think of anyone who doesnt hug🤷‍♀️

I hug my inlaws! As a matter of fact, they're my ex inlaws, and yet I hug them, but can't even get a hug off my own mother. I don't even think she'd know what to do if I tried to hug her.

TabbyM · 11/05/2023 12:12

I don't hug randoms but both parents hugged and as an adult will still hug parent/aunt/sibling/ old friend on arrival/departure. Poor DH 's parents are very distant and never hug so I feel I have to hug him frequently (to be fair he is very up for that).

bluetongue · 11/05/2023 12:32

We’re not a huggy family. It was a bit of a joke during Covid that we were already Covid safe 😁

Both my parents show love in other ways.

Caramelsmadfuzzytail · 11/05/2023 12:53

I don't remember either parent hugging me during my childhood. When I was 17 my mother left my dad for someone else and decided that hugs were going to be a thing from then on. It freaked me out. Hugs from anybody else was and is awesome.
Both parents born in the 40's.

halfsiesonapotnoodle · 11/05/2023 15:56

I wasn't hugged at all as a child but I had a perfectly happy childhood and know I was loved. They gave so much in other ways. I do find some people are really OTT huggers and it gets on my nerves. I just save them for special people.

sparklefresh · 11/05/2023 16:10

No hugs or I love yous here. Emotions were generally hidden, except my dad being angry and getting shouty. I love my mum but I can't see myself ever hugging her, it's just not how I show affection to her and vice versa.

JudgeJ · 15/05/2023 13:06

Watching my very huggy teenager hug my very (boarding school educated, 75yo) unhuggy mum is so funny. Mum tries but doesn't get it!

So you find it funny that someone tries to force themselves on an unwilling participant? There are names for people who do that. If an adult was trying to force physical contact on an unwilling child not only would it not be perceived as 'so funny' you would probably be up on your hind legs bleating about assault.

44PumpLane · 15/05/2023 13:42

@JudgeJ I imagine as they are saying their Mum tries then they are not saying that their son is accosting his grandmother in an inappropriate way!!! Lord help us! 🙄

44PumpLane · 15/05/2023 13:45

OP this makes me sad to hear....I honestly didn't twig that it would be common that people haven't been hugged!!

I was hugged lots as a kid and told "I love you", I'm a total higher, my kids don't go a single day without being excessively hugged and told how special and amazing they are.

My friendship group are huggers, always have been, the men hug the men, women hug the women and women and men hug and kiss each other and tell each other we love each other.

I hug my god children, my aunt's and uncles, randoms that have stopped to help at the site of car accidents where applicable 😂

Is there such a thing as being TOO huggy? I would like to add I don't hug those who aren't huggers though!