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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve never been hugged by either of my parents. I was wondering how usual/unusual this is.

204 replies

IdiotWhoDoesIdioticThings · 10/05/2023 19:48

Every once in a while when I read here about family hugging and even more so cuddling I just go ”people actually do that?!” and I was wondering if anyone else’s family is/was like that. Your childhood family or the one you’ve made.

And bonus question, for me this also extent to friends. Honestly I donmt think I even know how or when to hug. Is that sad?

For reference I was raised by boomers and I’m an only child and extended family is small also, no physical show of affection from anyone.

YANBU - no hugs here either
YABU - some or lots of physical touch in our family

OP posts:
DelilahBucket · 10/05/2023 22:14

Lots of hugs from my mum, my dad more so later in life. I'm a hugger and always hug friends (I have one in particular who loves a hug and says I give the best!)
DS at 15 loves a hug from his mum which is nice. He went through a stage for a few years where he didn't, but he's gone back to liking them now.

Mayhemmumma · 10/05/2023 22:23

Polite peck on cheek at most.
I have a fairly good relationship with my dad but he's never said he loves me, I'm not sure I'm overly bothered but I'm always in a bit of awe of people who really love their parents and siblings.
My mum used to be affectionate as a young child but that's long since stopped.

JudgeJ · 10/05/2023 22:34

Clariana · 10/05/2023 19:53

Same as you OP, no hugs from family ever, or since I was old enough to remember anyway, and my parents have never said "I love you" either.

I think it's a generational thing. It really wasn't the norm for families to hug when I was growing up, 50s/60s as much as seems to happen now, it didn't mean that we were any less loved and I don't think I ever said I love you to my parents, I find it odd that it's such a throwaway remark from my grandchildren.

Mayhemmumma · 10/05/2023 22:36

This is actually really helpful to know it's not uncommon and that other parents are now telling their kids they love them all the time to do things differently.

I hate the thought of not keeping a close relationship with my children and telling them how much I love them, how proud I am etc etc is really important to me. I'm also in a caring/intensely emotional job and often wonder if it's as a result of wanting to do things differently.

Mayhemmumma · 10/05/2023 22:38

Tipster100 this is me! My DH complains about lack of affection when I'm thinking I'm being really affectionate!

Moreorlessmentallystable · 10/05/2023 22:38

That's so sad. I hug my kids every day, several times a day...

Missingmyusername · 10/05/2023 22:39

We were close, but didn’t really hug come to think of it! No I love you either, though they did. Guess I wasn’t very affectionate and I’m still not. Hugged my father when he was diagnosed with cancer, that was about it.

Only DD (and DDog - sorry dog haters) get lots of snuggles, cuddles, hugs, kisses and I love you’s etc.

NewNames23 · 10/05/2023 22:39

Never been hugged/kissed/said I love you by either of them

ChiChaNaYubi · 10/05/2023 22:44

My husband comes from a family like this and I find it really sad. Emotionally he’s a very underdeveloped. I come from a very touchy feely, close and fiery family and he loves that every member of my family gives him a huge cuddle and kiss when they see him.
Hes very affectionate with our kids which is nice.

U2HasTheEdge · 10/05/2023 22:48

My mum cuddled me as a young child. When I got older- maybe the tween years, physical affection did fizzle out.

We have an amazing relationship, we speak all the time and I have never doubted her love for me, but we aren't physically affectionate. My mum didn't have that growing up either.

I was always very physically affectionate with my children when they were young, but I seemed to have followed the same pattern- my teenagers and adult children would be uncomfortable with it too. My daughter used to cuddle me all the time, but then she turned 12 and stopped wanting to be cuddled or hugged.

My husband hugs everyone, friends, and funnily enough.. even my mum! She has expressed her regret recently that she doesn't hug us, but at this point, it would be too weird to start.

caringcarer · 10/05/2023 22:50

DH says the same. He had 2 brothers who never got hugged either. Strangely his parents did hug their dgd's. I think it is really sad. DH really loves a cuddle and a hug. He told me his Auntie and Uncle used to give him a hug and his grandparents did too. I hope you've found someone to give you a nice cuddle now OP.

TrishTrix · 10/05/2023 22:52

My parents were a similar age. I would have described my father as an unreconstructed scottish bloke who showed affection by washing my car.

Still got a hug when I arrived home and left until he died though.

Lots of hugs as a child too. Mum more than Dad.

Grandparents born in the 1920s also hugged. All of them.

Carsarelife · 10/05/2023 22:53

I'm the same, was never hugged or kissed, sat on any parents lap, held hands or cuddled on sofa. Never thought it was weird growing up, but now it makes me wonder was a every loved? Did they hate me? Why didn't they?
With my 2 DC I cuddle them everyday and tell them I love them, hold their hand etc to me it's normal and something you do when you naturally love someone.
Because I didn't feel loved, I jumped at the chance any man paid me attention as I wasn't used to it and I as I result I made some bad choices where men are concerned.

ThinWomansBrain · 10/05/2023 22:54

No, neither parent - my Mum actively disliked being touched, I'm not particularly keen.
Currently working with a Chief Exec who likes to hug people if she thinks they're making a huge effort.
Yuk. I normally manage to back away now,

caringcarer · 10/05/2023 22:55

This thread is so upsetting.

Wallywobbles · 10/05/2023 22:56

DSM and I hug hello and goodbye. Siblings kiss hello and goodbye.
Kids hugs & kisses hello and goodbye.
Friends hugs and kisses.
DH lots of handholding and kisses multiple times a day.

And I'm not very touchy feely so I'd describe that as the bare minimum.

Kona84 · 10/05/2023 23:00

I’ve only hugged my mum once- it was when I was leaving with my dad after she had an affair.
she didn’t even put the potato and peeler down while she gave me a hug goodbye.
I’ve never hugged my dad.
it’s weird because I have lots of younger siblings and the rest of them hug my mum often.

I have a poor relationship with my mum but an okay one with my dad.

i don’t really enjoy hugs, my partners parents give goodbye hugs and I’m often leaving to get out first before they can hug me.
I have a couple of friends I’ve hugged but it’s rare

gooseduckchicken · 10/05/2023 23:05

My parents didn't hug us when we were kids and we still don't. I don't hug my siblings either. We would have sat on their laps, fell asleep with them on the sofa, slept with them when we were ill, etc. They were loving, just not specifically huggy.

I live in a very huggy house now. DH and I hug every day and we hug the kids a hundred times a day, lots of "I love yous" too.

MidlandCatGirl · 10/05/2023 23:14

Can’t recall ever being hugged by my mum when I was a child. I was more of a hindrance so would often be sent to my room. As I grew older I started to resemble my dad and as she hated him, that disgust was directed towards me too.

She tries to hug now but it just feels weird and like it goes on too long and she feels, I don’t know, kind of brittle if that makes sense?

Despite being starved of affection as a child I’m totally the opposite with my own. I tell mine several times a day that I love them, I hug them frequently (they will often randomly request hugs too) and we have sofa snuggles when watching TV.

Thursa · 10/05/2023 23:45

We were never hugged, kissed or told we were loved, I’m not sure we were to be honest.

My husbands family is a huggy, love you family. I found it very difficult to respond, imagine me, stiff as a board, being hugged…

I made a conscious effort to hug my children and tell them they were loved every day.

WordOfTheDay · 10/05/2023 23:48

Gtsr443 · 10/05/2023 19:52

You lost me at "boomers".

“Boomers” can now have derogatory associations. I think “of the post-war generation” or “born in the 40s/50s/early 60s”, as applicable, is not construed as derogatory.

SparklyBlackKitten · 10/05/2023 23:48

Has nothing to do with your parents being boomers!!

Your parents could have been neurodiverse. Or just terrible parents. Or regretting having a child. Or a combination of both.

Its not normal op and you know it

WordOfTheDay · 10/05/2023 23:58

ladycarlotta · 10/05/2023 21:28

A hug, I think, would be a brief or brief-ish gesture of standing up and putting your arms round each other, esp when greeting or saying goodbye. I'd do that with my friends and family members. A cuddle would be more like snuggling up close on the sofa for an extended period. I'd have done that with friends when I was a student/house sharing but these days it's just for my partner and kids.

Show quote history

This, exactly.
Cuddling is extended in time, generally involves more body contact than just embracing (i.e. hugging) and often involves more movement (snuggling, finding a nook, getting warmth, moving about and varying the embrace a bit to give more affection/for fun). Usually, children and parents cuddle as do people with a romantic connection. Usually, friends and acquaintances do not cuddle.

MintJulia · 11/05/2023 00:03

I grew up in the 70s & 80s. Neither my M or D ever hugged us, and I never saw them touch each other either.

It's really not healthy, left me craving physical affection and got me into all sorts of situations in my teens. But they were a product of their age so I try not to blame them.

My ds, even now he's a teen, gets hugged at least once a week. 🙂

broodyat39 · 11/05/2023 00:06

IdiotWhoDoesIdioticThings · 10/05/2023 19:48

Every once in a while when I read here about family hugging and even more so cuddling I just go ”people actually do that?!” and I was wondering if anyone else’s family is/was like that. Your childhood family or the one you’ve made.

And bonus question, for me this also extent to friends. Honestly I donmt think I even know how or when to hug. Is that sad?

For reference I was raised by boomers and I’m an only child and extended family is small also, no physical show of affection from anyone.

YANBU - no hugs here either
YABU - some or lots of physical touch in our family

I was never hugged or felt supported during childhood, or never said " I love you ". She would write in a birthday card " love you " but never said it or showed any affection, I often wonder if it's why I'm so non affectionate with others now. I know as an adult now that she loves me, and worries about me and my siblings. I hug and kiss my little girl every day and tell her I love you every day! I never tell my mum I love her either, not even in a card, would feel weird